10 days to go - feeling a little down

[Aloros]

I chose my sister to be my MOH. She''s been my best friend growing up, and I really wanted her there with me. She moved to China about 1.5 years ago, and doesn''t have a steady job there. She does some freelance stuff part-time. She''s asked me what she can do to help and everything, but I don''t really feel like she''s "there" for me, and not just in a physical sense.

I get the sense she''s been doing a lot of partying and boy-chasing and not really focusing (okay more than a sense, I KNOW). She''s known she''s the MOH for seven months. I asked her to get a dress back then. Black, whatever length, whatever style. I went to the mall to look with her at Christmas-time. I''ve sent her links. I''ve offered to cover the cost. It''s ten days until the wedding, and despite prodding, she STILL doesn''t have a dress.

I try not to bother her too much because she can get defensive about things. She tells me she''s going to the market the next day. And then the next day she didn''t go, but she''s going the day after that...etc. etc. etc. She says she can ask our mom to modify one she has at home if she doesn''t find anything, but I really don''t want her to put any more pressure on my mom. My mom has done ENOUGH to help out (and to help her!). My sis has just been really flaky lately, and it''s bothering me. I''ve always known, I guess, but it''s really come to light recently.

I''ve finally just offered to go out and get her a dress on my own, since we''re the same size. I hope she takes me up on it, because she has really dragged this out for far too long! I''ve joked with other people that she''ll be walking down the aisle naked, but at ten days out it''s not so funny anymore!

Recently, due to a lot of different circumstances, I asked another friend of mine to be a bridesmaid. I''ve known her for 3 years, and she went to grade school with my FI. She is a lovely person and a great friend.

She''s super stoked, and has been AMAZING. She''s getting a dress and shoes TODAY. I''m really happy I asked her to be a bridesmaid, I''m excited she''s in the wedding, but the contrast really makes me feel down about the effort my sister has put in.

I love my sister so much, but I really wish she would grow up already and get it together. She''s turning 25 in a few months. I feel like she''s acting like she''s still in college, and she''s not.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Sorry you are going through this, hopefully, she will pull through for you!

 

[honey22]

Sorry your sister isn''t there for you, what a shame.

As for the dress, if you are the same size, I would go shopping with your other BM today and get the same dress for your sister. That way, you don''t have to worry about her showing up nekid

and they will be matching/in complimentary colours.

Good luck, and I hope the last few days in the leadup goes more smoothly for you and your FI!

 

[elrohwen]

I''ve always said that the only thing you should ask of your MOH and bridesmaids is to get a dress and show up. I''m so sorry for you that your sister can''t even seem to do that!! It''s really not too much to ask to get any black dress she likes, and I''m sorry she''s totally flaked out on you. I''m glad you can have your other friend be excited for you, because I think it is important to have at least one girlfriend who''s excited and willing to talk about this stuff with you (whether that girlfriend is in your wedding party or not).

Do you know if she''s having personal issues? Maybe she''s depressed or something? Just your general description of her being more distant lately makes me think something may be up with her that she''s not telling you about.

 

[Morgie44]

I too am sorry that you are feeling this way! I definitely would be hurt that your sister doesn''t really seem interested or excited about your wedding I were you. My FI is kind of going through the same thing with his sisters and it is really hurtful and just plain sucks! Hugs for you! But in 10 days you will be marrying your best friend, so I guess try to focus on that.

 

[tlh]

I am sorry you feel this way. I hope she gets a dress soon. Hugs!

 

[Loves Vintage]

I would totally buy a dress that you think is appropriate. Maybe go with your BM if you can, like Honey22 suggested. If, by chance, she shows up with a dress of her own, then just return the one you purchased. One less thing for you to worry about. Check.

As to your sister, wow! Do you have family in China that she is staying with? I've never heard of someone moving to China and not having a job there. I mean, really, wow! Based on your other comments, it does sound like she needs to grow up, and yes, it would be ideal if she were a better MOH and if she were "with you" (even if not physically with you) during this important time, but that's just not where she is right now. I know it's disappointing, but at least she will be at the wedding. Try to focus on all of the positives about your wedding, your FI and all of the family and friends that you do have around you!

Now, go get that dress!

 

[Aloros]

I hope she''ll pull through for me in the end. She talks and acts like she''s excited...I don''t know why it''s been such a chore to get her to find a dress!

I''m wondering if I should be completely straight with her, and tell her that I''m pretty unhappy with the way she''s been behaving. I just know she already gets lectured a lot by my parents and my brother. She actually does some work for my brother''s company, and he''s had to tell her that she''s the worst employee he has.

I guess I''m just feeling really frustrated with her. I know if it were the other way around, I''d have the dress the week after she asked me, and be planning right along with her. And I work full-time, parent an 11-year-old, take care of a cat and dog, and do a couple projects on the side. That''s what kills me - she could do it if she really wanted to.

Loves Vintage - that''s pretty much my FI''s take on things too. She''s just doing her own thing, head in the clouds, and I can''t really do anything about it. No family over where she is, she''s just living off savings and her part-time work for my bro. My parents paid for her airfare back for my wedding, and I feel sort of guilty for that. I think I will end up just getting a dress for her.

I am really thankful for the rest of our family and friends though. They have been a huge help with the wedding, and so supportive. I really shouldn''t complain too much. I have been very blessed.

 

[Inanna]

Aloros, I''m really sorry you''re feeling down. It sounds like you''re extremely concerned for your sister and hopefully she''ll get her priorities straight soon.

Now, I have a little confession to make. The last time I was a bridesmaid and the bride said "Just pick a knee length black dress" I didn''t actually purchase the dress until 2 days before the wedding

. Yeah, I''m a total procrastinator, but I also realized a black cocktail dress is extremely easy to find, and it was! Granted, I''d have probably been more on top of it if the bride expressed any concern whatsoever about my delay.

If you''re really concerned that she may show up without a dress, perhaps go buy yourself one that you could wear on your honeymoon. That could be your backup dress for her if she really shows up without a dress.

Hugs to you! I''m sure your wedding will be fabulous!

 

[cara]

Your sister may be 25 in actual years, but it sure sounds like she is taking her sweet time getting there in terms of maturity. My brother is definitely like that - both younger than me and acts young for his age - and it is really hard to watch him ignore the adults' advice and mess up and learn hard lessons in his early twenties. But you know what - he is going to have to learn those lessons his way. He's just not someone to do what people tell him or take the wise, responsible path until he's tried a few others and figured out the consequences. I enjoy him much more when I stop expecting him to go to college or try to lecture or push him to be what I want for him rather than just listen to him and ask him about his plans for himself and try to share his vision for his life. Even if he totally screwed up in getting measured for his tux for my wedding - he did show up in a suit, he did practice his reading and did a nice job speaking it.

Your sis also may just be fundamentally a less organized, procrastinating, cares-about-family-but-still-doesn't-get-her-s%!t-together-even-when-it-counts kind of person. Time will tell.

In the meantime, wanting her to be something she's not woln't help. If she still has some partying and boy-chasing bee in her bonnet, you wishing she'd grow up and her parent's lectures on similar matters are probably not going to help much. Her getting defensive suggests that that approach has been tried. Enjoy her for who she is, and adjust your expectations down from ideal bridesmaid (your friend) to what she's willing to provide, assuming she meets some minimums of civil behavior. As she has not yet shown up in your wedding naked or otherwise inappropriately attired, she is just guilty of being flaky and stressing you out.

So to keep yourself from going crazy, and because you are the same size, I think you should just go buy a dress you think is appropriate for your sister and looks decent on you and keep the tags on. That way you don't have to stress as your sister will have something to wear if she flakes, and you can return it or keep it yourself if she gets something more to her own liking. Cause 10 days from your wedding, this is just not something you should waste more time worrying about.

One last note. Of course its sad to have a great experience with your friend bridesmaid and think about what could have been with your sister. But either sister hasn't quite gotten the memo on weddings yet (entirely possible as she's youngish and maybe her friends haven't been tying lots of knots) or she's not a wedding/girly-girly person or you and her just don't have as close a relationship as when you were younger. Which does not mean you have a bad relationship, and doesn't mean you woln't be closer again in the future, but it is what it is for now. Some people are super close with their sisters, others are lucky enough to find that kind of closeness with unrelated friends, others are still looking...

 

[cara]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:25:42 AM
Author: Inanna
Now, I have a little confession to make. The last time I was a bridesmaid and the bride said ''Just pick a knee length black dress'' I didn''t actually purchase the dress until 2 days before the wedding

.

Ya know, I was told to buy a cocktail length black dress for a wedding and it stressed me out! I was hoping the bride would pick something not too awful and I wouldn''t have to! I definitely put off purchasing it but didn''t let the bride know how long

 

[wishinpink]

Sorry to hear about your sister!!

I would go out and buy a dress that you think is pretty for your sister. Then hold on to it as an emergency dress if she totally flakes out. If she doesn''t flake out and buys and ugly dress, you have an extra option. If you end up not using the emergency dress, you can return it! Just an idea!