2 sets of divorced parents

[rainbowtrout]

So as the wedding gets closer and actually starts to feel "real" I'm having serious doubts about the wisdom of the whole idea. BOTH sets of parents are divorced, his paternal grandparents are still suing his mother, his father is estranged from the oldest brother, and his parents HATE each other. His mother dislikes his father's new wife but the children really, really dislike her.

My parents can be civil but dislike each other so much that even though they try, I still feel alkward taking their phone calls if the other is in the room 20 years after their divorce. My stepmother and my mother at least don't crazily hate each other, but my father's religion prohibits him from talking to or having anything defined as "communication" with my mother (scientology, she was excommunicated, don't ask). So there's a chance he'll balk at wedding photos, and I really wanted a wedding photo with both my parents in it.


And worse, in a Jewish wedding, the parents BOTH walk the child down the aisle. My mother already pitched a fit before I knew this and had thought about dad walking me down the aisle (But *I* raised you! Don't you think that's terribly UNFAIR?) But both his parents and my parents less than three feet away during the ceremony----I don't even know if I want their negative marriage karma under the huppah! I mean, I think I was just deluding myself into thinking this could actually be a happy celebration---we can't afford to make the wedding large enough that they won't all run into each other or see each other fairly often (50 people).


I would say, have the grandparents walk down the aisle, but he dislikes his paternal set (the granmother is the only person I have EVER heard FI say he "hates"), and his maternal grandfather just died, plus my father would become irritated that my "adopted" grandparents (You're not even related! They stole time from me when you were a child!) were walking me down the aisle.



Ugh I don't know what to do. My parents at least say they will try to be on their very best behavior and are supportive--but I still just feel like I've been insane to think this could work. Even is everyone is on "best behavior" they will still be insanely tense, they can't help it. And no, I can't ignore a room full of tense family members for a whole day. Argh.


Has anyone else had to deal with this? Everyone (including me) would be so disappointed if we eloped.

 

[Independent Gal]

AWww, Rainbow, that sounds AWFUL. We''re only dealing with one set of divorced parents, but even so, I so hear what you''re saying. So far, relative civility has reigned. But I am definitely going for bigger than I would have to sort of dilute the situation.

People say ''can''t they just get a grip?'' but even if they can, that doesn''t mean you won''t be able to feel the tension.

Sorry hon! I really feel for you.

I can only say what people have told me, which is that the joy of the occasion might make people relax and be warm with each other in a way you don''t expect. Let''s hope so.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Thanks IG. I keep getting the feeling from my parents that it''s my wedding to choose to be unhappy about "We''ll be on our best behavior, if you choose to be upset it is your problem."

I don''t know, I mean, I appreciate the sentiment, but I am very sensitive to both of their moods, and it is hard to just "get over it." His parents I''m hoping just don''t come to a screaming fight.

Can we say non-alcoholic wedding?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/11/2007 9:40:58 AM
Author: rainbowtrout
Thanks IG. I keep getting the feeling from my parents that it''s my wedding to choose to be unhappy about ''We''ll be on our best behavior, if you choose to be upset it is your problem.''


I don''t know, I mean, I appreciate the sentiment, but I am very sensitive to both of their moods, and it is hard to just ''get over it.'' His parents I''m hoping just don''t come to a screaming fight.


Can we say non-alcoholic wedding?

I actually think that you''re on your way to a happy wedding if your parents have already agreed to be on their best behavior. In my experience, the parents that cause trouble are parents who are screaming at each other from the outset and say that they will NOT behave with their x in the room. I think they will both be so overcome with happy emotions on that day that they will both just be so proud and beaming all day.

BUT I think this happiness rests on the fact that they don''t think that they are being treated unfairly. So since the custom is for both parents to walk you, you can''t just choose ONE or else it will start trouble. Either both or none IMO.

I say screw tradition and do what you want. What about you and FI walking YOURSELVES down the aisle? Or do you have a close brother who could do it?

 

[rainbowtrout]

No, I''m an only child, have a stepbrother I''m not that close to. I suppose we could walk ourselves down the aisle, we''ll have to see. The only truly alkward thing would be if one of us had the parents walk and the other didn''t....

I''m hoping you are right about my parents, that they will just be happy. His parents, on the other hand, haven''t had an interaction not mediated by the police since a year before the divorce 10 years ago...

 

[Erin]

I hate to bring up WCScenarios - but at least, for starters, they are all agreeing to participate. You know? Things could be so much worse - "I''m not going if She''s going" and so on.

I say: plan your wedding exactly the way you see it in your head the way you think/want it to go. If they can''t all be grownups about it that''s their problem.

Everyone should be mature enough to realize this is your day and they want to make you happy. You will never be able to make everyone else happy but it should be easy for everyone else to make you happy - for one day.

Good Luck!

 

[griffitk]

I don''t know if this helps, but here''s what we did to try to mediate family conflicts:

1. Before the wedding we sat down with each potentially conflict-causing guest (mainly divorced parents) and told them how excited we were about the wedding and having our WHOLE family there and that while we knew that were some hard feelings, we were really COUNTING ON THEM to make sure our day was conflict-free and happy. We were so sure that they could be the bigger person in any situation because they love us and no matter what barbs were thrown their way they would ignore them for us. This put the responsibility for no-conflict on their shoulders, not ours.
2. We also explained to them another source of conflict and asked them to help us keep that situation calm during the wedding day. This gave them even more responsibility and something to think about besides their own conflict. A task to do, if you would. (For example, I asked my grandmother who doesn''t like my great aunt if she would be so kind as to befriend my FIL who is divorced since he didn''t have much family coming to the wedding and we didn''t want him to be lonely. This occupied both my grandmother and my FIL and kept them out of trouble.)
3. We then asked neutral individuals (who weren''t on either side of any conflict and didn''t know the conflicted parties well) to be moderators and if anything started to go down to quiet the situation and keep us from knowing. We wanted no part of any conflict on our wedding day. (For example, I sat family friends with my grandmother and asked them to make sure she was happy and not rattled by my great aunt. I sat a bridesmaid with my great aunt to make sure that she was relaxed and not rattled by my grandmother.)

This worked great for me. I hope you can find an equally pleasant way of mediating family conflict. If it helps at all, I think our wedding actually turned out to be a healing event for many family conflicts and people are getting along better than they have in 50 years.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Wow, that actually helps a LOT! What a great psychological strategy! I had already thought about asking my grandfather to be the "mediator" bc he used to be a colonel in the air force and has a good "Now you two quiet down" voice.


Thanks!