A brief history with some scary questions at the end...

[Keepingthefaith21]

I’ve been dating my SO since 2003 but we had been best friends since 2000 so our relationship may seem as though it moved quickly but having been friends for so long, we could by–pass all the awkward sets of “firsts”.

After a year of dating we moved in together to “test the waters” and make sure we could live together. That worked out well enough and within 6 months he suggested we look into buying a home together. We had the money for the down payment and with rents steadily on the rise, it seemed like a solid investment in our future.

Six months later we purchased our home, just in time for the lease on our townhouse to expire. It was an exciting time. We moved in three weeks before Christmas (thankfully the New England weather cooperated with us on our move date) and on Christmas Day we were pleased to open our home to both sets of parents and siblings. It seemed an engagement was imminent.

Now, as we approach the year anniversary of our home purchase, I still find myself a Lady in Waiting only instead of the positive LIW I once was, I’ve grown frustrated and despondent over the prospect of taking the next step. I know it is directly correlated to the fact that many of my friends have become engaged…some of whom have only been with their SO for as little as 3 months.

At one point, in an moment of sheer frustration, I emptied my heart to a mutual friend of my SO and I who confided in me that SO had said he wanted to marry me and was searching for a ring. However, it was this mutual acquaintance who announced his engagement soon after my SO confided his intent. From that point forward, all signs of possible engagement ceased completely. It was as though the announcement by our friend became an event my SO feared upstaging.

I could have wasted a lot of time and energy being mad at this friend who couldn’t hold off on his engagement plans (by the way, I am talking about the man who proposed to his SO after 3 months of knowing her so I believe his proposal could have been postponed) but after careful thought, I’ve realized that it’s been over 6 months and knowing this friend as well as I do, I know for sure he would never be upset if we had gotten engaged even as little as a month after his announcement. In fact, it was this same friend who said, “I am surprised there hasn’t been any moment on the engagement front yet.”

All that being said, my patience has been all but exhausted. I try to talk to my SO about it but I only receive aloof, annoying responses and the more I press the less informative his responses become. Believe me, he would make an excellent witness in a case as cross-examination fails completely on him.

I just wonder how many of you felt like you just wanted to give up? How many of you thought that maybe you should take your exit and leave while you still had time left to cultivate a relationship with man who seemed serious about your relationship? I’m at the point now where I feel so insecure about where our relationship is going I fear I may start to dissever it in very painful bit parts. I don’t want to walk away but I also have a growing fear that I will reach my 30’s and look back on all this time and think to myself, “why did you wait?”

Thank you,
~Bre

 

[Haven]

Bre--I''m sorry to hear you''re feeling so much anguish and confusion right now. I''ve been in a similar state that you''re in, and I also came on to PS to get some advice, and you are definitely in the right place!

The best advice I got was to have a frank, candid, non-confrontational discussion with my BF about what I was feeling and where I wanted the relationship to go, and to get some feedback from him about his feelings, etc.

Talking about this with your man is the only way to solve this situation, after all--you love him enough to want to marry him, so tell him that. I know it''s hard to do, but you have to do it if you want to make an informed decision of whether to leave or not.

By the way, once we talked my BF was shocked that I was feeling upset, and now just a few months later he''s already bought the ring and I''m just waiting for it to arrive and for him to propose, so the talk was a VERY good thing for us.

Good luck, let us know how it goes, okay?

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/17/2007 1:27:21 PM
Author: Haven
Bre--I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so much anguish and confusion right now. I've been in a similar state that you're in, and I also came on to PS to get some advice, and you are definitely in the right place!

The best advice I got was to have a frank, candid, non-confrontational discussion with my BF about what I was feeling and where I wanted the relationship to go, and to get some feedback from him about his feelings, etc.

Talking about this with your man is the only way to solve this situation, after all--you love him enough to want to marry him, so tell him that. I know it's hard to do, but you have to do it if you want to make an informed decision of whether to leave or not.

By the way, once we talked my BF was shocked that I was feeling upset, and now just a few months later he's already bought the ring and I'm just waiting for it to arrive and for him to propose, so the talk was a VERY good thing for us.

Good luck, let us know how it goes, okay?

Ah, a LIW that benefited from such simple advice. YAY! Ditto, ditto, ditto what she said, bre. Just talk to the man, don't whine, don't accuse, don't yell, just talk: "Honey, I love you but I need to know that we are headed towards marriage in more concrete terms because it is on my list of "must haves" in a relationship. How do you feel about this? Where do you forsee us in the next few years? Here's what I see/want/hope for...but I can't continue to just wait indefinitely because I'm beginning to resent you and us and that is not good for either one of us..."

ETA: No one can/should own a day/week/month/year for getting engaged...just because couples lives parallel or cross doesn't mean one is stealing someone else's thunder or other such strange notions. It's part of having friends in similar places in their lives as you, it just goes with the territory.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/17/2007 1:27:21 PM
Author: Haven
Bre--I''m sorry to hear you''re feeling so much anguish and confusion right now. I''ve been in a similar state that you''re in, and I also came on to PS to get some advice, and you are definitely in the right place!

The best advice I got was to have a frank, candid, non-confrontational discussion with my BF about what I was feeling and where I wanted the relationship to go, and to get some feedback from him about his feelings, etc.

Talking about this with your man is the only way to solve this situation, after all--you love him enough to want to marry him, so tell him that. I know it''s hard to do, but you have to do it if you want to make an informed decision of whether to leave or not.

By the way, once we talked my BF was shocked that I was feeling upset, and now just a few months later he''s already bought the ring and I''m just waiting for it to arrive and for him to propose, so the talk was a VERY good thing for us.

Good luck, let us know how it goes, okay?

What Haven said!!
Same thing here!

I don''t know what I was so afraid of, but in the beginning my little casual *hints* toward marriage were all that I dared to do. This caused me to mistake my BF''s aloofness with disinterest and annoyance at my "pestering"...HA! I did almost want to give up. Once I had the *real* talk with him, we found out that we were on the same page. We''ve been engaged for a week.

 

[happilyeverafter]

I agree with everyone''s responses, and wanted to add to remember not to let him skirt the issue. If you sit down with him and have an adult conversation, make sure to ask the question directly "do you want to get married sometime in the future?" or "do you ever want to marry me?". Those seem like blunt questions but if you ask an indirect question you''ll probably get an indirect answer. He needs to know that you need a real answer.

If he hesitates, ask him why. If he doesn''t have an honest answer (such as wanting the proposal he''s planning to be a suprise) then you''ve probably found yours. JMHO

Sorry to be so blunt but I went thru this already with my FF and luckily during our off-time he discovered he did want marriage, but I kick myself for not bringing up the conversation a LOT earlier. I went thru 2 years of wondering if he even wanted marriage, and I don''t wish that drama on anyone!

 

[janinegirly]

i would agree you need a serious talk. you are at that dangerous point where the resentment could turn into something beyond repair--where the resentment begins to poisons the relationship. at the same time he may come to resent you for what he feels is never ending pressure (not that any of us see it like that, but guys sometimes do).

so i would address this quickly, not so much for the ring or WHEN will it happen--but over the issue of why he is waiting so long and how it is affecting your state of mind, self esteem and therefore the health of the relationship. these are real issues that go way beyond just getting engaged before anyone else or vice versa.

i can relate to your frustration, there were times when i was there. thankfully it worked out for me, but sometimes i think if my bf dragged it out any longer (another 6 mos even), it might have been different. meaning i may''ve said, ok..if i''m not worth it to you to step it up rather than allow me to go through anymore painful waiting, than maybe this isn''t worth it. ask him upfront why the delay and if there''s anything wrong. ask for a timeline. many girls will say timelines are the death spiral..but you''re already at a crossroads in your "waiting-frustr-waiting" phase, so it''s time for of you to take the conversation deeper and find out what each of you really wants and when.

 

[bee*]

I agree with Haven-I had to sit down and have the same chat with my bf and it was definitely worth it instead of fretting about what he might have thought.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Thanks so much for all of your advice.

We have a lot on our plate right now (big party in the works for Saturday) but I intend to talk to him once things settle down a bit.

I am so thankful for this forum. Over the weekend I started to talk to a friend about my worries and instead of being supportive or attempting to be understanding he lashed out at me which only resulted in making me feel even worse.

There''s an element of comfort in knowing I''m not the only girl out there wondering when he''s going to do it....