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A father''s contribution - should I be disappointed?

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merrymunky

merrymunky

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Hey everyone.

When we set the date my father vowed to set aside some money each month to contribute towards the wedding. He estimated £400-£500. He sent the cheque today and phoned me to let me know, also telling me the total he is sending...£350. So it may not be far off the lower estimated bracket, but I feel rather saddened.

We are on such a strict budget as it is and have made cutbacks every step of the way, sacrificing my dream venue for a lesser one, sacrificing a proper reception hall for a function room in a pub etc etc.

We were hoping that his money would at least cover the reception food, but now it will only cover the cost of the evening buffet. The cost is going to fall to my Mym and Step-Father as we have no extra money to spare. I hve spent all my money on decorations and centrepieces etc, as well as invitations, my ring and such.

I hate that my Mother and Step-Father will end up picking up the tab for the rest of the reception. My FI'S parents have generously paid for our honeymoon so we couldn't ask them to contribute anymore than they have. We are all in the same boat financially.

The wedding is 3 weeks away so it is too late to make any cuts....if we did there would be no point continuing!!

I know it will all be ok at the end of the day...but we just feel so pressured financally.

Don't get me wrong...I am eternally grateful for any contribution from him. He has never been the most paternal of people and has never contributed to my upbringing financially in the past. I had just hoped it would be a little more. God, I sound SO selfish!!
 
I''m sorry to hear that you''re disppointed, Merry. You''re not selfish, you''re just a stressed out bride to be.

It''ll be okay. Just take a deep breath. Even if you cut back a little bit, it won''t be the end of the world and most people won''t notice. I''ve been stressing about how my wedidng will come together and whining a bit to FI. He said that everything will be fine and that all that matters is that our family and friends will be there to share our day. Just focus on that. Who cares about whether or not everything is perfect? I''ve been to my share of weddings and to be honest, I can''t remember the details of most of them. I just remember the feelings those weddings evoked.

Hang in there! All of this pre-wedding stress will soon be over.
 
Aw, I''m sorry. You have every right to feel disappointed. Don''t be too hard on yourself - it''s not like you''re acting like an entitled brat, as you recognise that people are giving what they can and that no-one owes you anything. So it''s ok to feel a bit sad, but try not to blame your dad.

Can you borrow the extra hundred or two from your mother/stepfather or your FI''s parents, with the understanding that you will pay them back in time, if it would make you feel better than just taking money from them?
 
In a way, I know what you mean....my parents are practically paying for everything!! FI''s parents are only covering the rehearsal dinner and that''s IT, no flowers, no honeymoon. My parents offered to pay for the honeymoon, but we kindly told them NO way because they''ve already done enough! So now, no honeymoon for us! I feel bad for my parents because they are taking out a personal loan this month to cover the final payment on our ceremony/reception venue. There is no way I can ask FI''s parents now, my parents just offered to pay, I didn''t have to ask! I just wish they would offer something else to lessen the burden on my parents
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Sorry to hear this MM-

It''s always disappointing when you think that something is covered and you discover that it isn''t and you have to pony up additional money!

This happened to me this week. Our wedding is next week and my BMs didn''t buy their shoes. It''s not terribly expensive (They were $49 each) but that is $150 that I thought I would have for a massage before the wedding!

I send you hugs and I hope it all works out in the end!

Good Luck!
 
it is frustrating. my dad hasn''t offered a penny, and i know he probably doesn''t have much to give anyway, it still is sad that he hasn''t offered. my mom doesn''t have any money either, but made a promise to herself that come hell or high water (her favorite saying) that she''s going to pay for my dress and at least part of my flowers. and my FI''s family is contributing 1/3 of the cost of our reception, so i feel guilty that my family can''t contribute more!



i went to the ROTB and knew that i''d find a dress there simply because i didn''t want my mom to have to spend a fortune on a dress, and that i wanted her to feel good about buying my wedding dress. (and let me tell you, i''m so in love with my dress and would not have done it ay other way- it''s perfect!). my flowers ended up a whole lot more expensive than what i wanted. but it was a vendor my mom picked, so i didn''t have a choice. again, i wanted to "cheapen" it as much as possible, but knowing how proud she is that she is able to contribute, i just had to let it go.
 
I see where you''re coming from...it''s a bummer. But, in the grand scheme of things, I think you should be thankful for anything at all.

Many parents don''t pay for anything, so to get a cheque at all is something to celebrate. If it''s what he could afford, then you can''t fault him...and to be disappointed means you were expecting more. I mean, you didn''t say that your father has millions of dollars in the bank and only contributed a small amount, he saved what he could and gifted it to you.

In the long run, everyone makes scarifices. Big, small...when you''re working on a budget it must be done. Having a plated dinner vs. having a buffet...you''re still feeding your guests. The real point of a wedding is to get married...if you manage that, then you''ve had the perfect day regardless of what is in the details.

((hugs)) Don''t allow yourself to get stressed...you''re almost to the finish line, enjoy the race!!
 
Date: 8/6/2009 3:45:52 PM
Author:merrymunky
He estimated £400-£500.
Click to expand...

I guess I''m wondering how 50 pounds could make that big of a difference unless you were counting on his high estimate (or more!). Personally until you have money in hand, I think the safest bet in any situation is to assume you will get none. If you had done that, and planned accordingly, would you have been thrilled to get the 350?

Your question was "should I be disappointed?" While I understand that you are disappointed, I don''t think you should be. Don''t you think your father probably feels bad that he wasn''t able to give you exactly what he estimated? He probably feels like he let you and himself down.

Being grateful is always a graceful way to respond.
 
that was the key to my planning as well. we can always add something, but its difficult to take things out of the wedding if you begin getting your heart set on it.
 
Don''t sound selfish in the least dear! My dad is contributing nothing! I will be lucky if he is still on the wagon and shows up. He finally got approved for social security disability and was given 2 years of back pay. He bought me an ipod. While I am completely thankful for the impressive gift, its the first in an eon, I am totally peaved as well! He has not offered a dime to help me in any way, shape, or form. And he knows FI''s parents are paying for the groom''s dinner and nothing else and being complete witches about it all. The rest falls to my saintly mother. What ever she can afford and H and I can save in the next 10 months is what we will have on our wedding day. I am not trying to sound whiny or selfish, but it is a shame when our fathers can be so disappointing.

(((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))
 
If I''m reading your post correctly, what you''re saddened about is that your father didn''t live up to what he had estimated... and I suspect you''re sad because it is a measure of what he is willing to sacrifice for his daughter... ? Not the extra food, flowers or whatever that the money could buy? And maybe that''s all mixed up with the bigger picture that you had dreamed of a different, "nicer" wedding than the one you''ll be having?

Sweetie, I don''t think you''re being selfish or childish. You had hopes and dreams that aren''t coming true... hopes that your father would step up for you in a way he hasn''t before, dreams for a wedding that transcends the everyday. I think it''s perfectly normal to feel some disappointment and perhaps even to mourn the death of those dreams.

The thing is that the wedding is really just a way to involve friends and family in what''s really important here -- I''m not even going to type the rest out because it would sound so trite
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even though it it''s anything but.

Please, give yourself some time to vent/grieve or whatever. Then turn your attention back to your fiance and the things that are really important as you start your life together.

>>>
 
I don''t think you sound selfish at all!

Although this is a wonderful time in your life, the lead up to the wedding can be very stressful, especially when you through in the mix financial worries. Just think, in a few weeks you will be on that honeymoon, sitting back and relaxing
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Thanks for all the responses. Definitely some interesting points raised.

I didn''t give any back story into the relationship with my Father...if I did it would be an essay...possibly a dissertation!

To be perfectly honest, I was surprised that he was willing to contribute ANYTHING towards the wedding. A little bit of backstory for you:

My father has never been the most paternal. After the birth of my older brother, he was very jealous that all the attention was taken off him and was very aggressive. He out my brother down constantly, called him stupid etc etc. As a result my older brother has grown up to be incredibly insecure with many problems. Agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, OCD. He can''t work, he can''t leave the house without spending hours getting ready, sometime he can''t leave the house full stop. Their relationship was terrible growing up. The arguements and fist fights were terrifying. My Dad was horrible to my mum too, I remember seeing him beat her when she was about 7 months pregnant with my little brother. And this was a man of God. A Salvation Army Officer. A minister treating his family like dirt. Growing up was not much fun a lot of the time. It wasn''t ALL bad but I was scared of his temper and was often on the receiving end of it physically.

Eventually my mother ended the relationship when I was 14. She met a wonderful man who she went on to marry...my awesome step father! My Dad remarried out of convenience laster and moved to London. That marriage lasted 7 years. In that time he had two children under 18 and did not pay ANY maintenence. My Mum did not take out an order for it to save any more tension. He vowed to pay £50 per month. For two children? That wouldn''t even feed us. But hey. As soon as my little brother hit 16, all money stopped.

My step father paid for me to get through university. He cleared off so many debts and helped everywhere he could while me own father paid nothing. Nothing at all.

I have an ok relationship with my father these days. I love him, of course I do. I just think he is a bit of a fool. He made a lot of bad decisions in his time and I think he actually regrets it now.

So yes, the fact he was willing to contribute anything was met with pleasure from myself and my fiance. I AM very grateful for the amount he is donating. I know £400 isn''t much more than the actual amount he contributed, bt it made a little bit of difference.

It would have meant that the whole afternoon sit down meal would have been paid for. But now my step father has to make up the difference again and then pay for the evening buffet too, as well as everything else he has already done.

Sorry to make this such a long post. As I say, that little backstory is barely scratching the surface.

I really want to save some money enouh to send my mum and step dad on a nice holiday somewhere, even if it is just a weekend break. Just to show my appreciation.
 
Your post has really gotten to me. In very few words, I feel your pain and understand what you have gone through. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now! How I will ever be able to repay my mother is beyond me. There really is no way. And the continual let down from our fathers is heart breaking every time. I have always equated the relationship to a roller coaster. Just when you think things may be looking up, you go plummeting back down. My father is a mentally ill alcoholic, and I have learned to try not to expect anything from him. But the truth is, we do. We expect something from these men who gave us life and then treated us horribly. MM I could go on, but it makes me tearful just thinking about it. This too shall pass.
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Keep your chin up deary, you are getting married in a how many days!
 
You''re not being silly and i understand your dissapointment completely. I ''planned'' my wedding before i got engaged with a budget that included the same amount of money that my mum and dad gave my sister for her wedding... well it turns out neither of them are giving us any money at all so my wedding at a beautiful resort on the beach has been downsized to a back yard wedding. Yeah i''m dissapointed, but at the same time i can''t reallly say anything about it because they don''t have to give me anything, but it still hurts.

I think the idea of sending your mum and stepdad away on a mini holiday as a thank you is a really lovely idea. I''m sure they will really appreciate it.
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Merrymunky,

I just wanted to send some love your way. You have been through too much. I hope that you will enjoy your wedding day to its fullest. You deserve all of the happiness and love in the world!

Wishing you joy.
 
To me, this is more about how a parent made a promise and then fell short, which is always disappointing but this is worse because a lifetime of disappointment is behind it. To me, it seems to be like falling back into his old ways when amends might begin to be made.

It is heartening that he actually did contribute something given his history with your family, but I understand your disappointment with a promise that was only partly filled.
 
merrymunky, given your history with your father, you are in no way being selfish and have a right to be disappointed, he promised a certain amount and didn''t follow through, but it''s wonderful to hear that you have a stepfather you can count on

i hope that despite this incident, you will enjoy your wonderful day, i can''t believe you are down to less than three weeks! best of luck!
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Date: 8/6/2009 3:45:52 PM
Author:merrymunky
Hey everyone.

He has never been the most paternal of people and has never contributed to my upbringing financially in the past.
Click to expand...
This statement really captures why you feel let down and has nothing to do with you being selfish.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 8:04:48 PM
Author: omieluv


Date: 8/6/2009 3:45:52 PM
Author:merrymunky
Hey everyone.

He has never been the most paternal of people and has never contributed to my upbringing financially in the past.
Click to expand...
This statement really captures why you feel let down and has nothing to do with you being selfish.
Click to expand...

In a way that makes me feel like I shouldn't be surprised than the contributed amount was less than expected. But on the flip side, still makes me feel selfish because I should be ecstatic that he gave ANYTHING at all.

It's silly. I am grateful. I am pleased. I guess I am just used to him LETTING my step father bear the financial brunt of such events.

He is going to be walking me down the aisle and giving me away, taking all the glory while my step father has shrunk into the background WILLINGLY to save any hassle.

It's reminiscent of my graduation from university. My step-father was the one to support me through that three year period of my life, yet my Dad showed up to graduation and sat there apparently pleased for me, when really he probably just felt like he coudl say that HIS DAUGHTER graduated because it made him look good!
 
Date: 8/7/2009 8:12:39 PM
Author: merrymunky


Date: 8/7/2009 8:04:48 PM
Author: omieluv




Date: 8/6/2009 3:45:52 PM
Author:merrymunky
Hey everyone.

He has never been the most paternal of people and has never contributed to my upbringing financially in the past.
Click to expand...
This statement really captures why you feel let down and has nothing to do with you being selfish.
Click to expand...

In a way that makes me feel like I shouldn't be surprised than the contributed amount was less than expected. But on the flip side, still makes me feel selfish because I should be ecstatic that he gave ANYTHING at all.
Click to expand...
I know what you are saying, but, this is just another example of when he has not lived up to your needs throughout the years. Sure, he tossed you a bone and gave you some money toward the wedding, but, once again, he comes up short. I am sure if he had been there for you all of your life, this would not even be an issue. Don't feel guilty about your feelings...they go much deeper than money.

With regards to your step father, he sounds like a great man. Perhaps you should honor him in some way during your reception.
 
Yes, he is a wonderful man. It would be great to honour him too yes, I don''t know how that woudl go down with my father though. Maybe something after he has gone home? My Dad lives in London so is only travelling down for the day. He''ll arrive late morning, then leave at about 7.30-8pm for the train back.

That''s another annoyance actually. He''s gong to show up, take the glory again, then leave before the evening reception is properly underway!!!
 
MerryMunky, sorry if I missed this, but who (if anyone) is going to walk you down the aisle? Your father or stepfather? This is (obviously) nothing at all to do with the money, only with your backstory about how great and supportive your stepfather has been and honouring him - just wondered if you had given it some thought.
 
I mentioned it earlier in the thread.

My actual father is walking me down the aisle.

I posted in another thread about this little dilemma quite a few weeks ago too. It was an issue that was on my mind from the day we set the date, something I thought a great deal about before we set the date too. Instinctively, and I expressed this to my mother as well, I would love my step father to give me away seeing as though he has always been there. But that in itself would be quite cruel considering my real father is alive and well and would be in attendance. I played out many different scenarios in my head: My father walking me, my mother, my mother AND father, my step father, father AND step father...someone else, such as my little brother. Every option seemed to throw out problems. If I decided against either father figure to save any heartache for them or awkwardness and had a brother walk me instead, I would want my younger brother as I am much closer to him than my older brother. But then my older brother would feel a little put out that it wasn''t him.

It''s so tricky. I was almost in tears explaining all this to my mother. My step-father, gracious as ever told me to let my father do it to save any hassle. He knows how I feel about it and appreciates the fact that I thought about him in all this. It''s sometimes easier to have damage control though and just get on with it, rather than fighting for it and casuing upset in the family.


So there we go, my father will be giving me away.
 
I''m sorry Merrymunky - I missed you mentioning it earlier in the thread. It sounds like a really tough decision for you and I hope I didn''t dredge up bad feelings for you by asking - sorry if I did
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Date: 8/8/2009 2:41:56 PM
Author: LilyKat
I''m sorry Merrymunky - I missed you mentioning it earlier in the thread. It sounds like a really tough decision for you and I hope I didn''t dredge up bad feelings for you by asking - sorry if I did
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Oh no not at all hun. Don''t apologise. I am at the stage where I just roll my eyes at the situation. My Mum does too. We know my Dad too well and know we should just get on with it. It''ll be fine, as long as he doesn''t trip me up or embarrass me on the day.

We do get on...much better than we used to. The distance is good. It''s the same with my older brother. The only difference is that after two days or so in each other''s company, they get on each other''s nerves again. So much so that my brother had a pretty disasterous short stay with my dad and after 2 days was desperate to leave.
 
Merrymunky:

I know that you're doing it in part to reduce the drama (a perfectly legit motivation, in my book), but still --

I am so impressed at your generosity towards your father, and at your mother and step father's generosity. I hope that someday he will live up to it in some small way.
 
Date: 8/8/2009 7:49:17 AM
Author: merrymunky
It would be great to honour him too yes, I don''t know how that woudl go down with my father though.
Click to expand...
If you would like to honor your step father, then I think your father will just have to deal with it. I suppose you could wait until your father has gone home if you want to keep the peace, but since your father is leaving early anyway, why should it matter if you honor your step father while your father is still there? Of course, I am not in your shoes, so you do what is best, as you will want to enjoy your wedding! :)
 
This makes me think of the saying "any man can be a father, but it takes somebody special to be a dad".

It seems that while your father is your father, it is your stepdad that has been your dad.

I am in a similar boat (haven''t seen my father since I was 11) however my mum remarried and my stepfather has definitely been my dad and been there for me at all times. Unfortuntely he has past away, but he will always be my dad to me.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 1:51:18 AM
Author: VRBeauty
If I''m reading your post correctly, what you''re saddened about is that your father didn''t live up to what he had estimated... and I suspect you''re sad because it is a measure of what he is willing to sacrifice for his daughter... ? Not the extra food, flowers or whatever that the money could buy? And maybe that''s all mixed up with the bigger picture that you had dreamed of a different, ''nicer'' wedding than the one you''ll be having?


Sweetie, I don''t think you''re being selfish or childish. You had hopes and dreams that aren''t coming true... hopes that your father would step up for you in a way he hasn''t before, dreams for a wedding that transcends the everyday. I think it''s perfectly normal to feel some disappointment and perhaps even to mourn the death of those dreams.


The thing is that the wedding is really just a way to involve friends and family in what''s really important here -- I''m not even going to type the rest out because it would sound so trite
2.gif
even though it it''s anything but.


Please, give yourself some time to vent/grieve or whatever. Then turn your attention back to your fiance and the things that are really important as you start your life together.


>>>
Click to expand...

Very well-said. Others may not agree with me here, but I''m going to say that if splurging on ONE thing for an extra 100-200 pounds will make you feel like you at least got ONE thing that you wanted, you should go ahead and do it and put it on a credit card to be paid off after the wedding. I''m SOOO not advocating going into debt for a wedding, but for an amount that small, it might be worth it to change your feelings of the upcoming day. If credit cards are not an option, I like the suggestion of borrowing the last bit from your mom and paying her back after. Good luck!
 
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