A little advice needed...

[saster]

Okay, so I'm simplifying this, in case anyone read the original

How do I handle someone assuming that they are in the bridal party when I never asked?? Does anyone have any advice?

 

[sonnyjane]

Jiminy Cricket that''s a tough one! Just one question (it affects how I''d respond), if she is NOT a bridesmaid, were you still planning to invite her to the wedding as a guest?

 

[saster]

Date: 12/10/2009 9:45:24 PM
Author: sonnyjane
Jiminy Cricket that''s a tough one! Just one question (it affects how I''d respond), if she is NOT a bridesmaid, were you still planning to invite her to the wedding as a guest?

Yes, I will be inviting her to the wedding... so ya, I don''t know if she will be talking to me, though! (she holds grudges)

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 12/10/2009 9:51:40 PM
Author: saster

Date: 12/10/2009 9:45:24 PM

Author: sonnyjane

Jiminy Cricket that''s a tough one! Just one question (it affects how I''d respond), if she is NOT a bridesmaid, were you still planning to invite her to the wedding as a guest?

Yes, I will be inviting her to the wedding... so ya, I don''t know if she will be talking to me, though! (she holds grudges)

Hmmm, okay, I was asking because if you weren''t going to invite her, you could come up with an excuse about having a "small ceremony, family only" or some lie, but not if she will still be invited lol!

Honestly, and this is the best I can say - you need to decide how important the friendship is. Just going off the vibe I''m getting based on your original post (which you have since modified), I think the chance is very real that she''ll be quite hurt if you tell her she''s not a bridesmaid. If you really want to GUARANTEE the preservation of the friendship, you could just suck it up and make her a bridesmaid, but if it''s just not worth it to you, then tell her NOW (NOT LATER!) that you actually were not planning on having her in the wedding party. To be frank, she SHOULD be embarrassed at making the assumption, NOT upset with you, but I doubt that''s how it will really go down Just hope for the best, but expect her to be pretty upset, at least initially.

 

[MagsyMay]

Hmmm, yikes. First off, no matter how close of friends I was with someone, I would NEVER assume I was in her bridal party. Who knows, she could only be doing 1 attendant (like I am) and perhaps has a sister or friend from childhood, etc.

How many attendants are you having? Has she openly said something along the lines (to YOU) that she is in the wedding party but you failed to correct her? Or is she just saying it to other people you know? Have you asked your attendants yet or is it still up in the air? Is there a definitive reason you do NOT want her as a BM?

These questions might help other posters and I better offer suggestions to your problem!

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but I think honesty is the best policy and your friend will probably appreciate you being upfront sooner than later, rather than letting this go too long and feelings getting even more hurt than they already likely will be.

ETA: Darn, guess I missed the gory details in your first post!

 

[saster]

Okay, so now I feel like I''ve taken away too much information, but I didn''t want to go into so much detail in case she happened across this (don''t know why she would, but I''d rather be cautious!)

She has a very strong personality, and tends to dominate things. She skipped being asked to be a bridesmaid and started telling me that she would only wear certain colors/styles of dresses!

This was in the same conversation that I told her I was engaged....

We are friends, but I have distanced myself from her over the years, because there tends to be a lot of drama around her that I don''t like being involved in.

I''m really not trying to sound rude or mean, it''s just that I worry if I cave and just go along with it, it could affect my wedding and the whole experience...

I don''t want to hurt her feelings, either, so I''m at a bit of a loss...

 

[saster]

Date: 12/10/2009 9:58:54 PM
Author: MagsyMay
Hmmm, yikes. First off, no matter how close of friends I was with someone, I would NEVER assume I was in her bridal party. Who knows, she could only be doing 1 attendant (like I am) and perhaps has a sister or friend from childhood, etc.


How many attendants are you having? Has she openly said something along the lines (to YOU) that she is in the wedding party but you failed to correct her? Or is she just saying it to other people you know? Have you asked your attendants yet or is it still up in the air? Is there a definitive reason you do NOT want her as a BM?


These questions might help other posters and I better offer suggestions to your problem!

I''m sorry you are in this situation, but I think honesty is the best policy and your friend will probably appreciate you being upfront sooner than later, rather than letting this go too long and feelings getting even more hurt than they already likely will be.


ETA: Darn, guess I missed the gory details in your first post!

Haha yes, the gory details were toned down. I added a few more, though, just to give a bit of a fill-in.

I totally agree. I would NEVER make that assumption, either! I''m having five bridesmaids, I believe, but it''s not nailed down, yet. I didn''t correct her at first because I was so gobsmacked at the statements that she was making...I have, however, said (and this is true), "Gee, I really haven''t made all of the decisions about the bridal party, yet." because that''s all I could think to say! I REALLY don''t like confrontation...

You''re right, I need to take care of this ASAP! I''m trying to get the nerve up!

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 12/10/2009 10:05:35 PM
Author: saster


You're right, I need to take care of this ASAP! I'm trying to get the nerve up!

My advice? EMAIL!!! I find it to be the best medium for drama avoidance, since I'm non-confrontational myself. This way, if she is extremely sad/hurt/angry, you are NOT there with her to deal with it lol. Plus, it won't be quite as embarrassing for her to have the news broken to her in an email.

 

[saster]

Date: 12/10/2009 9:57:34 PM
Author: sonnyjane

Date: 12/10/2009 9:51:40 PM

Author: saster

Date: 12/10/2009 9:45:24 PM


Author: sonnyjane


Jiminy Cricket that''s a tough one! Just one question (it affects how I''d respond), if she is NOT a bridesmaid, were you still planning to invite her to the wedding as a guest?

Yes, I will be inviting her to the wedding... so ya, I don''t know if she will be talking to me, though! (she holds grudges)

Hmmm, okay, I was asking because if you weren''t going to invite her, you could come up with an excuse about having a ''small ceremony, family only'' or some lie, but not if she will still be invited lol!


Honestly, and this is the best I can say - you need to decide how important the friendship is. Just going off the vibe I''m getting based on your original post (which you have since modified), I think the chance is very real that she''ll be quite hurt if you tell her she''s not a bridesmaid. If you really want to GUARANTEE the preservation of the friendship, you could just suck it up and make her a bridesmaid, but if it''s just not worth it to you, then tell her NOW (NOT LATER!) that you actually were not planning on having her in the wedding party. To be frank, she SHOULD be embarrassed at making the assumption, NOT upset with you, but I doubt that''s how it will really go down Just hope for the best, but expect her to be pretty upset, at least initially.

Yes, I have a feeling that she will be QUITE upset about it, and will not view it as her mistake. Eek. I''m not looking forward to this conversation!

As for just letting her be a bridesmaid, I would rather not, since I am trying to keep the size of the bridal party at 5, and if it was going to get larger there are other people that I would ask before her. I guess I may just have to take my chances on the friendship. I think it''s better to deal with the drama now than all the way up to the wedding, which is what I feel would happen if she was in it.

 

[MagsyMay]

After reading your additional comments (sorry for the bombarding questions!), I think you just need to be honest and potentially sacrifice the friendship if that is what it comes to. It is YOUR wedding day and you shouldn''t have someone in your party just to please them, possibly at the risk of compromising your happiness and enjoyment through the process and especially on your wedding day.

I realize that''s soooo much easier said than done, so (((HUGS))) in advance for working up the courage to have to deal with this!

 

[monarch64]

WithOUT reading the original, and trying to put myself in your shoes...I would just tell her the next time you speak (not via email/text/whatever) that you are really flattered that she wants to be part of your wedding, but that the roles have already been cast. Also, tell her that you thought she''d be more comfortable wearing whatever she wanted to wear (i.d. NOT a bridesmaid dress) and that you wanted her there as a guest and not a worker bee. I think that should do it, if she''s the sort who holds grudges.

And really...if she holds grudges she would''ve found something to get pissed about whether she was in the bridal party or not, or not invited, period. She was looking for MOH status from the get-go, and once that invite came and went nothing else will make her happy. You''re a very generous bride to even indulge her this much.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Saster, I had this happen to me. In the end I had my Matron on Honor handle it because the girl didn''t say anything to me about assuming, she expressed it to the bridesmaids. She at one point asked who the bridal party was and I named them (note I didn''t name HER). She proceeded to email them all talking about planning the shower. My MOH responded saying that they, the BMs would be planning it but she was sure they''d need help and would let the girl know. Coward''s way out I suppose, but it worked.

 

[saster]

Thanks for all of the advice!

sonnyjane - I have considered email, especially since we only see each other a few times a year when I'm home from school, but since I'm on my way home for the holidays, I feel like in person, or at least on the phone is more of the band aid effect - one conversation, it's done! There won't be any volleying of replies back and forth to add to the situation.

MagsyMay - I think you are right about the friendship. This will be a huge, if not final, blow to the relationship. But that's just how she is - I'm one of her longest lasting friends; she tends to have blowouts for one reason or another with most of her close female friends. And after analyzing this more and more, I'm not sure if I want to keep catering to someone in my life who would react so irrationally to a situation like this. If this is the final straw, it just shows that she really doesn't care about the friendship very much, just herself.

monarch64 - I totally agree with your theory that she would find something to be upset about no matter what!! Bridesmaid, maid of honor, ring bearer, whatever - I'm sure there would be some drama, which is why i don't want to cave and let her in just to appease the situation.

Hudson_Hawk - Is it bad that this is my ideal way that this would all play out??! haha. Goodness, I just really don't like to deal with drama! It sounds like I am dealing with that girl's identical twin! It's totally a move she would pull...

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 12/10/2009 10:00:17 PM
Author: saster
Okay, so now I feel like I''ve taken away too much information, but I didn''t want to go into so much detail in case she happened across this (don''t know why she would, but I''d rather be cautious!)

She has a very strong personality, and tends to dominate things. She skipped being asked to be a bridesmaid and started telling me that she would only wear certain colors/styles of dresses!

This was in the same conversation that I told her I was engaged....

We are friends, but I have distanced myself from her over the years, because there tends to be a lot of drama around her that I don''t like being involved in.

I''m really not trying to sound rude or mean, it''s just that I worry if I cave and just go along with it, it could affect my wedding and the whole experience...

I don''t want to hurt her feelings, either, so I''m at a bit of a loss...

Honestly, I would have a discussion with her and tell her that you are keeping the bridal party small or what ever. For what its worth, if she holds a grudge and doesn''t come to the wedding, trust me, you won''t even notice. I had a person in my bridal party that sounds a lot like the person you are describing. I made the decision to ask her to be in the wedding because I didn''t want any drama. I knew if I didn''t ask her that she wouldn''t come or better yet that she would talk about me behind my back to my other friends and other childish things. So....all was well for months but my bachelorette party was terrible and she made some huge drama for me when it came to the wedding. The stress wasn''t worth it. At my wedding she did everything she could to tear me down. She even took off the necklace that I gave my bridesmaids because she didn''t feel they matched. So, I wish that I would have not asked her and just dealt with it when we got engaged. It would have changed the way I feel about my wedding I think. Anyway, I think you sould address her and if it ends your friendship, it might not be the worst thing. I did that with this girl I''m speaking of after my wedding. That wasn''t fun either but now I''m done with her.