shape
carat
color
clarity

A little sad...

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

SparklyGirl*

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 7, 2007
Messages
147
I just wanted to share my feelings because noone else in my life now would really understand how i feel and like you ladies, maybe you are having the same feelings as me which means you are more likely to understand my reasonings and thoughts! So thanks for listening.

So I am traveling with my bf''s family to a camp about 2 hours away from where we live now where we will be staying on this coming Friday through next Wednesday. Both of his parents will be there and then his sister and her new husband will be traveling up to stay with us Saturday through Tuesday. I had thought that it would just be both of his parents and the 2 of us but his sister and her husband are joining us on the days i said above.

This kind of made me sad because as the guys go hunting on Monday and tuesday ALL DAY, I was so excited because then his mother and i could get in a lot of bonding time when the guys are hunting. but now that his sister is coming up it will be the 3 of us. She is nice and i like hanging out with her but this is why i am sad. I was around her the whole time that she as planning her wedding this past summer and even before that so I had to listen to all of the stuff that a person goes through when planning for a wedding. which i am not bashing her at all, i love her it was just hard because i wanted that so much. Now that they are married B and I are now the only non married people that will be going on this trip. I just feel..... inadequate is what i think the word I want is..

It sucks because i feel as though because we are not married and his parents and sister are, i will feel kind of left out. and i know that they dont think any less of us as a couple but there is always that whole, ''welcome to the family we can bond now and be closer'' time when you are engaged. I just feel like i am the only person not a part of their family, it makes me feel ackward around the rest of his family, like realtaives not immediate family members.

I feel this way also about the upcoming thanksgiving trip to see all of his family. I just feel left out and it will definetly make this whole me waiting for the ring thing a little more difficult because i will have to see how happy his sister and her husband are and all of the other married couples too. I guess that I will be just sad. And also we are the only couple that isnt married. of course besides his cousins who are like 14 and 15 and i think that is what makes it all of the more harder to deal with. I feel like I am not taken seriously as his gf. they havent shown that at all though just how i feel.

I''m sorry if i cant explain it using the right words, i really tried to make it understandable. B doesnt understand it but he did say it went along with that whole women competing with women thing. which in the end maybe that is what it is. We feel ackward and not taken seriously because the family around us are all married, we feel like we have to be engaged to be taken seriously and to stake our claim as coming into the family soon. Does that make any sense or am I just alone on everything? I guess that I am just bummed and sick of being the only ones in his family that arent even engaged. I am grateful for his family and I hope that I can get some good insight.I dont mean to make anybody mad if i did..just trying to explain how i feel.

But who knows...he seems excited about going so maybe he is planning something. that would be great..we''ll see. Our anniversary IS on thanksgiving this year...4 years. I still am excited to go with him and his family and to see his extended family on thanksgiving but I feel sad also and just sick of waiting for him to ask me.
7.gif
 
You poor thing!

I had a very similar conversation with my FI''s brother''s gf a few weeks ago.

She had a fling for a couple of weeks in April last year, they split up and then she found out in late November that she was pregnant (she''s on the larger side and was on Depo so didn''t suspect a thing till she went for a medical to join the RAF!) We all basically found out that she was having the baby 3 weeks before the birth which was a shock!

FBIl had a paternity test done and the baby was his, they have all moved in together and are trying to make a go of it - which is hard as they never had a relationship to start with.

She''s finding it really hard, as FI and I are engaged, older brother and his FI got married in September and youngest brother has a very serious girlfriend who he dotes on. She is only 21, where as we are all late 20''s to mid 30''s. We all have degrees and she dropped out of school at 15, so she feels that she can''t contribute to the conversations properly. Her relationship with my FBIL is also pretty awful - he doesn''t understand that she wants something emotional as well as a secure place to stay. He''s just fixated on practicalities and soooo not in love with her in any way.

She is desperate to get engaged and it is so hard watching all the preparations and listening to the wedding talk. She feels as if she is attached to the family because of her daughter, but not part of the family. She is also convinced that she has got the ''bad brother'' and that the others are knights in shining armour. When I explained that my FI had not been exactly desperate to drag me up the aisle she looked really surprised and I think felt a bit better. I even explained about PS and the LIW''s and how many people feel exactly how she feels.

I totally understand your disappointment in your FSIL turning up. What sort of stage in your relationship are you? Also how long have you been dating for?

I would be very surprised if either your FMIL or FSIL felt the way you worry they do towards you. I''m not sure that people do feel much different once their engaged or married. I remember being told that once you had sex you suddenly felt ''different''. Hmmm, don''t remember that!

It is true that once you are engaged you tend to forget how other people might be feeling, in your joy at having finally got the proposal. You should also realise from reading this forum that a huge majority haven''t had a simple journey to that point.

I think you just need to relax and enjoy both their company. I''m sure there are plenty of topics that you can join in on - I doubt they are going to compare notes on their respective wedding nights! I do think that you need to respect your FSIL''s right to talk about her wedding and her happiness. Your time WILL come and you will want to do the same - not to make anyone feel left-out but because it is an exciting part of your life.

I''m not sure if any of this makes sense...
 
It sounds like you are looking forward to spending a lifetime with this family. That''s so nice to hear!

Well, alternatively you could play temporarily hard to get and tell him you can''t go on the trip. Since absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all.

I know how you must feel. The holidays are coming and indeed it would be wonderful to have this all said and done. But hey, this is the begining of a great story for YOUR daughter someday. Hang in there-! It''s just the first of many "wait and see''s" that can go on in a marriage, too!
 
thank you for the support ladies!!!
26.gif


his sister is already married if i confused anybody. she doesnt talk about it anymore but she does talk about being newly married at times. which is fine. i sometimes enjoy listening. i really want to go on the trip. i took off work for it and everything. My bf and i will have been dating for 4 years next thursday. We are both wanting to get engaged asap but his savings got pulled out by school fees so he said that he would have to build it back up a little bit so now i dont know when he will ask me. we talk about getting married etc a lot and talk about engagement a lot also. He said that if he wouldnt have had to take out money for school payments that he would have asked me already. so for him it isnt about him being ready to ask me because we both waant to be engaged asap and happy. it is about money. he feels bad about having to wait a little longer but who knows maybe he will ask by christmas. but for now i dont know. I will try to enjoy myself and you never know maybe by B seeing all of the married couples when we go to visit his extended family and then spending a while with his sister/her husband and his parents will make him feel sad that he hasnt made a bigger commitment to me and make him jump the gun and ask me sooner. he is the type to do that and i am sure that we will end up mentioning to each other how sad we are that we cant be engaged right at this second.

He also is the guy that doesnt want to upgrade a ring so getting a smaller one is out of the question..but i feel the same way so i can wait a little longer if it takes getting as he says the perfect ring. I have always wanted proposed to with a ring and i still do but there are times when out of spontenaity(sp?) we are in a position that would be great for him to just pop the question without a ring.. i would love for that to happen! Sooooo romantic!
30.gif
But of course he wont do that either. i dont blame him in the long run though. Hey maybe over the trip he will get sick of not being engaged to the point where he will just ask me!
23.gif
 
You explained it perfectly, and I know exactly how you feel and have felt the same way many many times. It especially hurts when people who are newer to the family have that status and you don''t. I go to many of my FF''s family functions and do feel "less than" the others even though I have been around longer than some of them. You don''t feel official and the "girlfriend" title feels so "high school" to me. I''m 27 and want to be a wife damnit! lol. So.... I feel your pain!
5.gif
 
YAY! you took the words right out of my mouth DMBsGirl! the title does feel young and highschoolish.
1.gif
 
Are you sure it''s not just your perception? I ask because although we are not official engaged, I haven''t felt that way in regards to my bf''s family in, well...years. They treat me like a member of the family, enagement or not, marriage or not. I don''t know if they just assume it will happen eventually or what, but my bf''s parents treat me like I''m their kid. Heck, his sister-in-law just had a child, my bf''s nephew, and she refers to me as his "Aunt." The same happens when it''s the extended family. I even said once, that I didn''t want to comment too much about certain things since I''m not an official member of the family and his cousin said, "yes you are." That put me in my place. I''m invited to any family function he is invited to, grandma asks us to visit and have lunch. It''s like we are already married.

Is it possible that his family accepts you as one of their own and know the enagement and marriage will be a formality (a much needed one but still). You shouldn''t feel out of place as long as you feel comfortable with them as people. I''m very lucky, I like my bf''s family more than my own!
 
Date: 11/14/2007 4:08:19 PM
Author: DMBsGirl
You explained it perfectly, and I know exactly how you feel and have felt the same way many many times. It especially hurts when people who are newer to the family have that status and you don''t. I go to many of my FF''s family functions and do feel ''less than'' the others even though I have been around longer than some of them. You don''t feel official and the ''girlfriend'' title feels so ''high school'' to me. I''m 27 and want to be a wife damnit! lol. So.... I feel your pain!
5.gif
Well yeah, that would be wierd to be in a situation where newer members to the family are official and you aren''t. And the whole being 27 thing. Yeah, after a certain point being called a girlfriend is very very odd. Got me there.
 
SparklyGirl, I understand your feelings! Especially about being the only not married people in the group. You do feel so unofficial and inadequate, and I HATE using the term "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" at the age of 27! Holy cow, am I 27 already? Dear god. Where have the last ten years gone?????
6.gif
1.gif


I'm lucky in that my BF's mom absolutely adores me and tells me on a regular basis that they choose me over him. LOL She always says if, god forbid, we break up she wants to adopt me. She wants us to get married more than I do, which is saying a LOT! But I went to a family reunion with him and we were the only non-married adults. His similarly-aged cousins were all married as were his aunts/uncles. That did lead to a ton of "When are you guys going to do it?" and him being called crazy by his relatives for not having asked me yet. Which I had to smile at, at least it wasn't me saying it!
1.gif
 
I wasn''t too keen on being the ''girlfriend'' at 34! Sometimes I think that word is the MOST annoying think ever when you are a LIW.
29.gif


Luckily FMIL always called me FI''s partner, so I never got that one. To be honest she was so happy someone had finally decided to date her 31 year old son (I was his first ''proper'' girlfriend) she practically prostrated herself at my feet!
31.gif
 
Date: 11/14/2007 5:17:00 PM
Author: Pandora II
I wasn''t too keen on being the ''girlfriend'' at 34! Sometimes I think that word is the MOST annoying think ever when you are a LIW.
29.gif


Luckily FMIL always called me FI''s partner, so I never got that one. To be honest she was so happy someone had finally decided to date her 31 year old son (I was his first ''proper'' girlfriend) she practically prostrated herself at my feet!
31.gif
I go through this all the time too...especially at work! Most of my colleagues know my BF as he has attended many work functions with me, but I still feel kind of childish everytime I or someone else refers to him as my "boyfriend."
6.gif
 
oh you poor girl. You''re not alone - you''re one of millions and millions of women (many on this board!) who are going through this, or have gone through this already. Yes, I agree it can feel a little less "qualifying" when you don''t have that ring on your finger like everybody else. I went through it for years and years. You are certainly not alone. Keep posting on these message boards, though, the gals on here are awesome and so supportive of each other...it really is a beautiful thing. I wish I had PS when I was going through the just-a-girlfriend woes.
9.gif


Best of luck to you! *fairy dust*
12.gif
 
Date: 11/14/2007 5:17:00 PM
Author: Pandora II
I wasn''t too keen on being the ''girlfriend'' at 34! Sometimes I think that word is the MOST annoying think ever when you are a LIW.
29.gif



Luckily FMIL always called me FI''s partner, so I never got that one. To be honest she was so happy someone had finally decided to date her 31 year old son (I was his first ''proper'' girlfriend) she practically prostrated herself at my feet!
31.gif


Hrmmm I must be an exception I am 27 but I HATE the word partner and prefer GF and as thus and am always introduced as his GF. To me the word partner has connotations that I am not comfortable with, this may have to do with different social circles and parts of the world. Who knows?

The wonderful thing about this forum is that there is at least one other person who can completely relate to your post 100% and thus it makes it easier to talk about it and then deal with it :). The feelings from your post could have come straight from my mouth :P.

Me and BF are the only unmarried people in his immediate family and most of his cousins are married in the start yeah it made a difference to me (and I am sure a fair few of his relies) and you feel on the outer but it does get easier. I found by getting involved even with mundane little tasks helps to make you feel more part of things.

I can''t comment for sure but I think it is more a perception thing I know I felt the same way for a very very did I mention VERY long time but sometimes you just have to change the way you feel about your role in the family and extended family and then things seem to change around you.
 
I can see how that would be very frustrating especially because there''s really nothing that you can do about it since you have to wait for him to propose.

I haven''t run into this personally with my BF''s family. We are the only ones in a LTR, nevermind married. But I have felt this way with his friends. They have all been with their SO''s for 5+ years. One couple is married, the other engaged, and another probably not far off from being engaged. I have definitely felt a little snubbed at times because our status isn''t as long established as others within his group of friends. Although, as pointed out by some of the other ladies, I''m not sure about how much of that was real and how much was just in my own mind.

I liked the advice that Deelight gave about getting involved in the "mundane little tasks" and just taking on the role that you would like as much as you can. It may feel silly to you because you may feel like you still have to be the courteous and cautious girlfriend, but if you start doing little things to change your status their reaction will probably be, "Well of course that makes sense, she''s been part of our family for 4 years!"

I don''t think, however, that his mother and sister are thinking, "Wow we''re married, she''s not." I think that as LIW we are just super sensitive to the difference between us and those who have that status that we would like so much for ourselves.


Good luck, I''m sure they love you; you sound like you''re very nice!
1.gif
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Top