A Little Sad

[INdmbLove]

I read a lot of posts on here and rarely post myself... but after a discussion with BF last night I''m feeling kind of in the dumps...

Background:
We''ve been together for about 6.5 years. We met in college, graduated together, and have been out for almost three years (wow- has it been that long). We both experienced difficulties getting (good) jobs right out of school, and finances have been difficult for us- but finally we are in a place where we can breathe a little easier. We have a plan set in place so that we can buy a house together by (hopefully) the end of the year. He has also promised to propose to me by the end of the year... sooo you know exciting stuff for us! I''ve been very happy about all of this, and just had so much dancing around in my head.

Last weekend I found THE setting that I want from the Knox website (which I just found... OMG beautiful stuff) AND it was on closeout- so it was a super super good deal. I looked at the website on Thursday night and it was GONE (not surprised, but sad with a twinge of happy because MAYBE someone I know very well bought it for me!) I casually asked him (about a 100 times) if he bought it and he was kind of wishy-washy and finally said no... however he said something to the effect "even if I did I wouldn''t tell you"... so that left me thinking he did (he''s said things like this in the past when he did, indeed, get me what I wanted), but wasn''t going to spill the beans.

Cut to last night-
We''re in the car and we had a little heart to heart. I''m usually the talker (imagine) and he doesn''t always go deep into his feelings and whatnot TOO often. But he goes on to tell me he''s unhappy about the way his career is going (another background: learning about the real world has been difficult for him--- I think that he thought this fabulous 100k/yr job would fall out of the sky and be handed to him when we graduated college- and obviously that was not the case). He''s not happy about our living condition (apart), he hates his job (he has a very long drive to work and its very boring/not challenging for him)... blah blah blah. Basically he can''t ask me to marry him because he is unhappy about the way things are going. Which I respect, and offered (and have about a million times in the past) to help out in any way he needs me to (I''ve written his resume and set up interviews in the past- been his personal secretary) and he was saying that he doesn''t want for me to do those things- this is something that he needs to do himself.- Also I can respect that. BUT the problem is- he can''t get motivated to do these things himself. He then goes on another tangent about how motivation is a big problem for him (which is the reason that I often just do it for him) , he has a difficult time getting started on things.. blah blah blah. (Not necessarily news to me- I have been with him for quite some time- but it is a little different when it is coming out of his own mouth, and not just something that I have observed).
Also during the conversation, I brought up THE ring, I asked him to be 1000% truthful- if he bought it- and he said no.. so there''s that, too. (It wasn''t just me being a brat- I don''t remember how- but it came up and was an appropriate topic in the conversation)
So the long and the short of it is- he''s got some issues with himself that he needs to work out- before he asks me to marry him.

I know this sounds so selfish- because he just poured his heart out to me about this- but I''m sitting there thinking... Well where does that leave us? Can I even expect that these issues are going to be worked out within the year- two years??? I don''t want him to ask me if he''s not personally ready, but then again I AM READY- that 7 years isn''t that far away and I''ve been antsy for some time about getting married- moving on with our life together. I''m just starting to feel "done" (not the right word- but you know) with being a gf- I''m ready to be the fiance/bride/wife. I''m SOOOOO done with living 45 min apart (jobs). I''m just ready NOW.

So how do I help him, and wait this out myself? I just feel like there is no end in sight. I''m somewhat of an impatient person (when it comes to things that I want) to begin with.... I LOVE my job, I "payed my dues" and waited for the position that I am currently in for 2 years (haha, that sounds silly its not that glamorous of a job.. but anyways it is what it is- and I love it) - so getting a job closer to him is Not an option- he''s never even mentioned that once. We''ve talked it over and we really do not want to rent a house/apartment together- so that kind of ties our hands there. He does want to move his job closer to me- which has been the plan all along- but if I''m not kickstarting that process... will it get done? Then there is the economy- he''s in the finance/banking field so getting another job might not be so easy right now.

So... that''s my little rant- please be kind I really want some positive words because you ladies are so helpful and positive. The support you all offer to one another is amazing!

 

[zilaras]

The whole ''financially ready/happy with career'' card can be really difficult. Given, I have not been with my boyfriend for even a fraction of the time you have been with yours...but I hear similiar things coming from my own. He also is unhappy in his career but isn''t making any changes himself about it. He is upset because he as well expected the perfect career to come down after he graduated from college, now at 25 he feels really down about it.

It is a hard conversation to have especially when you are in a situation when you completely understand why he is having the feelings he is having. However one thing that lurks in my mind ( and I have voiced my opinion to my SO) that...won''t there always be something? Life is not perfect...so there is always bound to be a reason why marriage isn''t ''good'' this year. I have talked to my SO a lot about whether he wants to be a Career-man, whether he wants his career to define who is as person...is it really a measure of his self-worth? Is it really what he wants his life to be about?

This is a tough one...and what I always do is remember that he loves me, and that he is really caring about all of this so much because he wants to responsible and feel like he can provide for me ( which to me is a little silly...because well I am not the type of girl who needs to be provided for), but I can understand why he feels that way.

I would give him some time( a month or so) to collect his thoughts a bit on how he wants to change his situation. Then I would have a conversation about what YOU want...being sensitive to feelings of course. Bring up the fact that one of things he is unhappy about is being so far away from you....wouldn''t marriage/living together rectify that unhappiness in his life?


Once again ...that''s only what i would do. It''s hard not to feel sad about it....but he most likely wants to work out things with himself for the benefit of you...and to make you happy. He loves you.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/19/2008 8:17:24 AM
Author:INdmbLove


So how do I help him, and wait this out myself?

I just quoted your sentence above as I kind of had the same feeling when I first had this talk with D and he said that he wasn''t ready yet. The only thing that I can say after my own experience is that there is really nothing that you can do to help him. It''s something that they have to figure out on their own. Once D had figured out that he was ready and that''s what he wanted, wild horses wouldn''t have stopped him. In terms of waiting it out yourself, what do you want for yourself? Are you happy staying with him until he decides what he''s ready? Are you happy with him not being motivated?


I think we as women tend to do a lot for our men and obviously you''re no different, in terms of doing up his resume and trying to line up jobs for him. I think that it''s great that he''s realised that these are things that he has to do himself as a lot of men will just sit there and carry on letting their g/f do it. The problem seems to be that he doesn''t seem to have the motivation to do it. Is there any reason for this? Has he always had things handed to him or why does he not seem to want to get out their and work for this. For me, the lack of motivation would bother me as is he going to have this lack of motivation for everything in his life.

I hope that things get sorted for you soon. I was with D for nearly 8 and a half years before I got engaged, so I can understand being ready to move onto the next step. For me, if he was still not ready by the deadline he gave, I would have moved on as marriage is important to me. Not suggesting that you do that, but just make sure he knows that it''s important for you and that you''re not going to be there forever if he doesn''t get together. I know that it sounds like tough love but I think if you''ve done the supportive thing for a good while, he might need to hear things straight. Best of luck!

 

[Junkenpo]

ohhh... hugs to you, it''s frustrating to live apart and love your job and love your bf....

I''m in a similar situation myself, but luckily for me, it seems to be coming to a resolution.

BF & I have been together for 4yrs, LDR the whole relationship. Our distance is short plane ride. Originally he wanted me to move nearer to him, and then a few years later, we''d move back together.....but I then I was hired into the school I hope to retire from, so I didn''t want to move. He was doing very well where he was, and also didn''t want to move back at the time.

A little over a year ago, I felt COMPLETELY frustrated about the distance and lack of time we had to spend together, I questioned his dedication to our relationship...and while not quite making an ultimatum, let him know I was very close to calling it quits and telling him I loved him, but I was tired of waiting...almost a sort of "if we can''t work this out now, just look me up when you finally decide to move back...and maybe if I''m still single, we can try again."

We managed to talk and work things through, and began the process of seriously talking about our future together without the "assumptions" that love is all we need to stay together. We talked about commitment, made some choices, and I started researching diamonds, and gave him the all the specs.

Then I left it alone....hard to do, but late last year, he started throwing out hints that he was actively ring shopping and had informed his landlord he wasn''t going to be renewing his lease, and this past month, gave his notice to his employer... I''m happy to say he''ll be moving home in the next couple of months.

The thing with loving someone and wanting to tie your life to theirs is that you have to love who they are NOW (flaws and all) without the expectation that they will change after you marry them. Is who they are NOW enough for you? Becuase if not, you''ll unhappily be wishing for the person you think he could be, rather than loving who he is now.

((((hugs)))) I hope things work out for you.

 

[INdmbLove]

Thanks ladies- I knew that I could count on you for some kind advice. I think I''m going to just leave it alone for a few weeks, revisit the topic-"what progress have you made...." kind of stuff. Hopefully something will have been done and we can kind of map things out from there. I''m such a planner and he''s just fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of guy- so we''ll see. That whole opposites attract is so true for us- can you tell?

I completely agree about what was said about "isn''t there always going to be something?" - I don''t know if he was just always sheltered - but it seems like he''s been learning a lot of those tough life lessons that I guess I learned at a younger age -he''s slowly learning about how this all works.

I''m not trying to change him, by any means. He is wanting to change, himself, and I support that- although I am just scared that these self-changes are going to postpone the things that are important to what I thought was us- but I feel is just me now. I need to look at it in the long term sense I guess- if he works these things out now- than in the long run he''s going to be a better husband.

I don''t want to rush him into marriage- if he''s not ready he''s not ready- BUT on the flip side I wish he would hurry up and get ready! I guess that is something many LIW face.

About the distance thing- I guess when I read this board I realize how silly my complaining about 45 minutes is. Many ladies talk about across country and across the atlantic relationships- I need to look at it in perspective to what it COULD be (much farther- and not get to see him every weekend) ..... But even still---- I want him HERE with me!

Thanks again for your kind thoughts!!!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

If he''s having a difficult time with looking for a more rewarding job has he ever thought of hiring a "headhunter"? Given that he is in a competative industry having someone working for you putting everything together could help a lot.

When I was looking for a new job I met with a professional who looked over my resume and showed me how to tailor my experience into three seperate resumes depending on the job I was applying for. She also taught me very valuable interview techniques and negotiating techniques as well. Heck, she even told me how to dress for my interviews! In the end I landed the perfect job and couldn''t be happier. I have no doubt the skills she taught me, as well as the very valuable resume tailoring, helped me achieve what I wanted.