A Newbie Needs Advice

[Dani511]

Hello all!

I have been lurking around Pricescope for months now, and I felt the time has come for me to join. I am certainly a "lady in waiting", and feel that perhaps some of you may sympathize with my current situation.

Warning: this may be a lengthy post and I apologize in advance- it has been a long time in the making.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. He is 3 years younger than I (I am 25- nearing 26- and he is 23), and although we have endured a long distance relationship for all of that time (I live in NY, he is form the Boston area), he has recently moved to NY (I am very happy about this!). We are both teachers- I am a special educator (just completed a masters degree) and he is a music teacher, however teaching positions are extremely competitive in the area of NY where I am from, and we are both struggling to get full time positions for the fall of ‘08.

Now, all of that being said...we used to be the sort of couple that always talked about getting engaged/married, even when we were younger. He would be the boyfriend that would not be afraid to speak openly about it, let me try on rings, etc., even as all of my other friend''s boyfriends cringed. He even insisted that I wear a CZ ring on my left hand for the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship.

Then, all of a sudden, there is an "engagement boom" amongst our close friends. One after the other, little sparkly gems are popping up on my friend''s left hands while mine remains bare. I begin to feel this weight sitting upon my shoulders and I can''t help but bring it up. We had argued a bit about it, because, understandably, he wants to be secure in a job and living with me before we become engaged.

I knew I didn''t really have a choice in the matter, so I became quite about it. Then, around November of 2007, he decided that as soon as he "moves to NY in January" ( this is obviously prior to him moving, as he lives here now, although not yet with me) we will get engaged. We go to several jewelry stores, to which I bring my grandmother''s engagement ring (the diamond I will be resetting when we get engaged- approx 1.04 carats, F-G color- tons of sparkle and fire- set in a platinum fishtail setting), and check out semi-mounts. We narrow it down to 2 that we both love (a Verragio, from the Paradiso collection, and a Simon G with pave halo and double split shank). I am overjoyed and begin to wait expectantly.

Now, I have always been the type of girl who has daydreamed about a nice proposal, enduring love, and fairytale wedding. I have spent hours checking out websites pertaining to diamonds and wedding ideas, and thus I had found Pricescope. So, you could imagine my disappointment when, shortly after graduating from a rigorous 5 year music education program at the Berklee College of Music, my BF had something similar to a nervous breakdown, said he is not ready for this, doesn''t know if he wants to move to NY at all, and isn''t ready for an engagement. To top it off, he says I pressured him into this, and it is my fault.

Fast forward through a viscous brawl and bitter feelings lasting approx 1 month, we work it all out. He has moved to NY, is a substitute teacher and private guitar teacher for now, and is actively looking for full time posions for the fall. He says he loves NY and is saving for the engagement ring.

As an aside: It is not all about the ring for me- I love this guy very deeply and can''t imagine being without him. He is my best friend. I really want his commitment more than anything. I would be willing to wear my grandmother’s ring as is, however he doesn''t like it at all, since it is very plain and small, and truly wants to reset it for me.

That being said, here are my hang-ups: 1. After the first disappointment, I have reservations about believing that this engagement will actually happen without him going through another "phase". 2. I have become obsessed with thinking about this prospective proposal- I am constantly looking at rings online, constantly on Pricescope looking around, and constantly planning imaginary engagement parties and the like.

What I am asking here is: is there anyone out there in a similar situation? And also, how do I handle a situation like this? I don''t know when this engagement is coming, so how do I calm myself down so as to not drive him and myself crazy? I have never been more ready for this, and the wait and uncertainty is excruciating!

Thank you in advance, ladies, for all of your help.

 

[Nitza1124]

Well you already know that he loves you and wants to marry you, which is the most important thing.

My advice to you is just to give him a little space right now. He just graduated, moved to a new state, and is trying to find a full time job. I know waiting is hard, but theres nothing else that you can do. You already know that he wants a secure job before getting engaged, and the last thing you want is for him to break down, and blame you for pressuring him to get engaged. So just give him his space, and when you feel like you just can''t wait anymore just post here...We''ll understand

 

[Dani511]

Thank you so much for your reply and support, Nitza1124!

You are right- he does need some space right now and I really need to make sure I contain myself so as not to push him away!

I''m already glad I''ve joined the Pricescope community!!

 

[surfgirl]

counseling, counseling, counseling...I think he needs to talk to someone neutral because he''s already had a major meltdown and another one might do serious damage to the relationship, if it already hasn''t. He sounds like he''s not ready, but there might be other insecurities that have nothing to do with you and are his baggage. Can you talk him into trying some counseling to work out his apprehension?

 

[Dani511]

Thank you for your reply, Surfgirl!
I agree, actually, and I would love to go to couples therapy with him, even though the relationship has improved greatly since he has moved to NY. I have mentioned it to him briefly in the past, but he does not believe in it at all, unfortunatly. He would not be receptive to it. He has this false notion that only "crazy" people go to therapy. I, however believe the opposite- I think everyone could benefit form talking to a nuetral party/professional- but then again, I come from a more open-minded family than he, and I also have an undergraduate degree in psychology and health counceling (prior to my deciding to become a teacher).

I will bring it up to him again. We have been through a lot, and he is appologetic for his last meltdown, and there has been no sign of another one as of now. He is content being here with me, which is a big hurdle overcome. However, you are right, and there be other issues that do not have to do with me. Thank you so much for the insight. I''ll talk to him and see how it goes.

 

[Patchee]

We have all felt like you at one time or another. Whether is was the man melting down or you as a anxious LIW.

Give him a bit of time to settle ... BUT NOT THAT MUCH TIME. At 4 years regardless of his situation financially if he loves you and wants to marry you - why not now? Just something to think about.

 

[Dani511]

Thanks Patchee!

That is what I have felt- I know he needs time (he is younger, he moved to a new sate, we are looking for better jobs, etc.), but the fact remains that 4 years is 4 years. I can''t help but feel if it is going to happen, why can''t it happen now?!

But all things considered, I am going to give him a bit of space with it, keep an eye on his "meltdown" tendencies (he isn''t interested in couples therapy and I can''t force him into it-but things really have been improving lately, anyhow), and see if he really is going to do it "this year", as he has said recently. After that, I am not sure what will happen.

But, my optimism is slowly growing, our relationship seems to be getting much, much better, and so I will cross that bridge if I ever come it.

Hopefully, everything will work out for us!

*Thank you ladies, for all of the support and advice*

 

[lliang_chi]

I know the wait will be unbearable. But like everyone says, he''s been with you for 4 years so you guys really have something special. On days that you feel like you''re going CRAZY, if you have any mementos/keepsakes/pictures, you should go through them and remember all of those lovey dovey moments. It''ll make you remember why you want to marry this guy. And don''t forget to keep making more lovey dovey moments too

 

[Dani511]

Aww thanks lliang chi!!

That made me smile, and you are very right. I should think of that more often and be thankful for all of the great memories we have and continue to make.

 

[Dani511]

P.S. lliang chi- Congrats on your engagement!

I just sent one to your thread as well!