a sad vent

[cbs102]

as i sit here typing this i realize that people are going to probably pick this apart.. but i am so upset and i don't really think that i have a right to be,....

backstory:
my fiance and i are from different states... when we met through mutual friends, i knew right off the bat that he had been married and has a daughter. so yes, i have known this even before we started dating. we did the long distance thing and we both talked in length about the fact that IF the relationship were to last, i would have to leave my state and join him in his. he cannot move because of said daughter and i understand that. part of the reason why i love him is because he is an amazing father....

so.. i quit my job.. leave my friends and family and a place that i LOVE and i move in with him.. the first few months were rocky.. we were getting used to each other and i was getting used to having a little one around.. and i was dealing with her jealousy issues. i also found it hard to give up every other weekend because we had his daughter there. ( i was an independant girl who did not have to live my life according to anyone before i moved). it seemed to me that i was being selfish if something came up on a weekend we had her and i wanted him to switch..I would find myself in tears all the time... i felt that i could not verbalize the feelings i had because after all-- this is his child- and who am i to say anything...

months have gone by. things have been better because we are on a schedule. thruth be told, i still long for our weekends alone but i do love his daughter enjoy when she is there...

last night he tells me that he is going away with his father both of our "free weekends" and then we will have her 3 weeks in a row in october and also for thanksgiving... i feel so upset and anxious.. i am crying as i type this

... i am so upset but i know that i am not justified for feeling this way. that i knew going into this that he had a daughter... i guess i am just selfishly realizing that life as i knew it is no longer and that life now is being lived for said child.

i am now bracing myself for the pouncing.. i was just venting...

thanks for listening -er reading

 

[fieryred33143]

Well I’m not going to be hard on you as I don’t have children myself. But I have always felt that dating someone with children is only for the strong. It takes someone that really wants to be a parent and can accept that child as their own to be able to sustain the relationship.

She’s not going away ever. Her coming over every other weekend and on holidays will not stop ever. If it bothers you, talk to him about a new schedule that works for you both while keeping her in mind.

Also, have you made friends in your area? When you move to an area where you don’t have any friends and the only person you have is your spouse, life can get depressing. It’s hard to hear that but it’s a fact. If he’s all you have there and he is spending his time with someone else (albeit his daughter) resentment is bound to set in.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:01:30 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Well I’m not going to be hard on you as I don’t have children myself. But I have always felt that dating someone with children is only for the strong. It takes someone that really wants to be a parent and can accept that child as their own to be able to sustain the relationship.

She’s not going away ever. Her coming over every other weekend and on holidays will not stop ever. If it bothers you, talk to him about a new schedule that works for you both while keeping her in mind.

Also, have you made friends in your area? When you move to an area where you don’t have any friends and the only person you have is your spouse, life can get depressing. It’s hard to hear that but it’s a fact. If he’s all you have there and he is spending his time with someone else (albeit his daughter) resentment is bound to set in.

honestly, the schedule is fine for me.. every other weekend... we still have our free weekends and i love those.. this all stems from us not having any alone time for almost 2 months... its hard. i know that i come off as a selfish girl that cannot share her man with a child- not the case at all.. am i not entitled to liike spending some time alone with my future husband?

 

[Maisie]

I have 5 kids but I certainly won''t pounce on you for venting. I understand that you cherish the time you and your fiance have together alone. I think the problem is more with him offering to go away two weekends with his father and leave you home alone. That doesn''t show consideration for you at all.

As for his daughter, she is a huge part of his life, and could be a big part of yours if you let her. Try to see her as an addition to you rather than someone who takes your fiance''s attention away.

She won''t always be a child. Try to have a good relationship with her now and let that grow while she gets older. Before you know it she will be an adult.

I would focus on why things feel rocky at home for you both. Do you have a support network that doesn''t include him? Have you made any attempt to make friends or are you happy to just rely on him?

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:08:58 PM
Author: Maisie
I have 5 kids but I certainly won''t pounce on you for venting. I understand that you cherish the time you and your fiance have together alone. I think the problem is more with him offering to go away two weekends with his father and leave you home alone. That doesn''t show consideration for you at all.

As for his daughter, she is a huge part of his life, and could be a big part of yours if you let her. Try to see her as an addition to you rather than someone who takes your fiance''s attention away.

She won''t always be a child. Try to have a good relationship with her now and let that grow while she gets older. Before you know it she will be an adult.

I would focus on why things feel rocky at home for you both. Do you have a support network that doesn''t include him? Have you made any attempt to make friends or are you happy to just rely on him?

truthfully, the daughter and i have a really great relationship. i speak to her on the phone every night that she is not with us and we do things together -just the two of us- every time she is with us... i am very aware that i am having a hand in raising her and i am thrilled with that concept.. i feel like if i want to have a weekend with my fiance and i verbalize that- than i am being very selfish and it makes me look terrible...

 

[iwannaprettyone]

My best friend has this same situation, although they are married. It has been tough, but God love her, she is an amazing mom to the child and her hubby makes sure that they both feel attended too.

There are times when she would like to be with hubby, just the two of them....but it is the cards they were dealt and she made the decision to take on the full package when they married. She is the best (and the daughter is cool too!)

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:06:52 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/13/2008 2:01:30 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Well I’m not going to be hard on you as I don’t have children myself. But I have always felt that dating someone with children is only for the strong. It takes someone that really wants to be a parent and can accept that child as their own to be able to sustain the relationship.

She’s not going away ever. Her coming over every other weekend and on holidays will not stop ever. If it bothers you, talk to him about a new schedule that works for you both while keeping her in mind.

Also, have you made friends in your area? When you move to an area where you don’t have any friends and the only person you have is your spouse, life can get depressing. It’s hard to hear that but it’s a fact. If he’s all you have there and he is spending his time with someone else (albeit his daughter) resentment is bound to set in.

honestly, the schedule is fine for me.. every other weekend... we still have our free weekends and i love those.. this all stems from us not having any alone time for almost 2 months... its hard. i know that i come off as a selfish girl that cannot share her man with a child- not the case at all.. am i not entitled to liike spending some time alone with my future husband?

Absolutely you are entitled! You would even be entitled after having your own children. You are not wrong or selfish for verbalizing a weekend alone or some time alone. Have you asked him before? How is his reaction? I think a lot of times fathers that are remarrying feel a little bit of guilt too. Like, they know they want alone time with their new wife but feel selfish because it seems like they are pushing their child away. Does that make sense?
My best friend’s fiancé has twins and they went through a rough patch regarding the kids too. When the kids were over, he pretty much ignored her because he felt that if he paid any attention to her then the kids will feel abandoned. Vacations or special things they did together would get affected too because of his feelings of guilt. It took him some time to get over that. How does your FI feel about everything?

 

[Livinthedream]

Do you have a baby-sitter or someone who can watch her a night here and there? That way when those 3 weeks in a row come up, you will still get to have some alone, adult time in there. That is not unreasonable to ask for I think. Yes, his daughter is in YOUR lives, but there has to be a happy medium for all involved. I hope you can get into your own things as well!
Good luck

 

[Aloros]

Don''t be so hard on yourself! There''s nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do.

I think you need to talk about your concerns with your fiance, and you two need to set some clear "quality" time each week. It''s important!

How old is his daughter? My fiance and I have full custody of his son, but he always goes to bed earlier than we do, so we make a point to spend quality time together in the evenings. People get busy, and his daughter is always going to be a huge part of your relationship, but you have to make time.

Here''s a resource for you:
http://www.childlessstepmoms.org

There is a great community on there with women from all different situations. It''s a wonderful place to get advice, to vent, and to know that you are not alone.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:29:32 PM
Author: Aloros
Don''t be so hard on yourself! There''s nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do.

I think you need to talk about your concerns with your fiance, and you two need to set some clear ''quality'' time each week. It''s important!

How old is his daughter? My fiance and I have full custody of his son, but he always goes to bed earlier than we do, so we make a point to spend quality time together in the evenings. People get busy, and his daughter is always going to be a huge part of your relationship, but you have to make time.

Here''s a resource for you:
http://www.childlessstepmoms.org

There is a great community on there with women from all different situations. It''s a wonderful place to get advice, to vent, and to know that you are not alone.

thank you so much for the link.. i will certainly look around. the daughter is 4. we have her every other weekend so he shares custody. it honestly is not a problem UNTIL something like this happens.. where we will not get a week for almost two months.. THAT is very stressful to me.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Sweetie, please don''t feel bad or like you''re being selfish. You''re not at all! I think it''s great that you love his daughter so much, and that you spend one-on-one time with her whenever she''s at your house. You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to some alone time with your FI, and I think it was very thoughtless of him to schedule trips with his dad both free weekends. I definitely think you need to talk to him about this. Please let us know how it goes! ((((HUGS))))

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:27:38 PM
Author: Livinthedream
Do you have a baby-sitter or someone who can watch her a night here and there? That way when those 3 weeks in a row come up, you will still get to have some alone, adult time in there. That is not unreasonable to ask for I think. Yes, his daughter is in YOUR lives, but there has to be a happy medium for all involved. I hope you can get into your own things as well!
Good luck

Yep, you need to find a babysitter! There is nothing wrong with you two having a few hours to yourself while the gal is being watched by another person. In fact, it''ll be GOOD for the daughter as it''ll teach her that you and your fiance have a relationship between the two of you and that she isn''t the entire focus of attention when she''s over visiting.

 

[purrfectpear]

You''re right. You are being a wee bit selfish. Sorry, but the daughter comes first. Now everyone can debate till the cows come home whether that is fair, correct, right, or whatever. None of that debate will change the fact that the kid was there before the girlfriend, and the majority of single parents will always put their children first.

In fact I remember posting exactly this to someone in the last couple of months who was debating a relationship with a guy who had kids.

Been there, done that. Those kiddie weekends are typically graven in stone. Get used to it, or get used to being unhappy and having disagreements.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Hi CBS,

Just some quick clarification Qs: is the normal set up that your fiance only has his daughter two weekends a month, i.e. 4 days with her and 26 days without her? And in October, will you have her for three weeks straight (21 days), or will you have her for three weekends in a row?

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:51:53 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You''re right. You are being a wee bit selfish. Sorry, but the daughter comes first. Now everyone can debate till the cows come home whether that is fair, correct, right, or whatever. None of that debate will change the fact that the kid was there before the girlfriend, and the majority of single parents will always put their children first.

In fact I remember posting exactly this to someone in the last couple of months who was debating a relationship with a guy who had kids.

Been there, done that. Those kiddie weekends are typically graven in stone. Get used to it, or get used to being unhappy and having disagreements.

I don''t think the issue is with the weekends when the child is there . . . I think the OP is upset that her FI scheduled trips for BOTH weekends this month that they DON''T have the daughter. Personally, I think that was a bit thoughtless of him, especially since he knows she''s new to the area and doesn''t really know anyone yet.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:51:53 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You''re right. You are being a wee bit selfish. Sorry, but the daughter comes first. Now everyone can debate till the cows come home whether that is fair, correct, right, or whatever. None of that debate will change the fact that the kid was there before the girlfriend, and the majority of single parents will always put their children first.

In fact I remember posting exactly this to someone in the last couple of months who was debating a relationship with a guy who had kids.

Been there, done that. Those kiddie weekends are typically graven in stone. Get used to it, or get used to being unhappy and having disagreements.

honestly pear.. if you have not been in this situation, than you simply do not know.... i may come across as "selfish" but i am not. i have given up my entire life for this man .. and this man''s child. Yes, the child comes first. my relationship however will not suffer. my parents got babysitters.. why can''t we? just because he was married before and has a child does not mean that he and i will be put on the back burner.. i was really asking whether i am entiteled to these feelings and from what i have read thus far..i am.

we are also not unhappy. we are over the moon happy and this is an issue that needs to be worked on. it will not be the be all end all

 

[blondie23]

BUT have you talked to him about this????? This situation will never get better if you don''t talk to him. You ask, "I had babysitters growing up, why can''t we?"...well if you haven''t spoken to your FI about this situation then how can you expect it to get better? he''s not a mind reader...

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:01:17 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 8/13/2008 3:51:53 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You''re right. You are being a wee bit selfish. Sorry, but the daughter comes first. Now everyone can debate till the cows come home whether that is fair, correct, right, or whatever. None of that debate will change the fact that the kid was there before the girlfriend, and the majority of single parents will always put their children first.

In fact I remember posting exactly this to someone in the last couple of months who was debating a relationship with a guy who had kids.

Been there, done that. Those kiddie weekends are typically graven in stone. Get used to it, or get used to being unhappy and having disagreements.

I don''t think the issue is with the weekends when the child is there . . . I think the OP is upset that her FI scheduled trips for BOTH weekends this month that they DON''T have the daughter. Personally, I think that was a bit thoughtless of him, especially since he knows she''s new to the area and doesn''t really know anyone yet.

yes.. this is right. i would neer ask him to give up our weekends with the child-- ever. because i enjoy them as well.. i was just wondering if i was in the wrong in being upset that he made plans on our "free weekends". he too has mentioned many times that it is good to spend weekends just the two of us. especially since i recently moved here... we can explore the area together... and just kind of relax.

his bond with his daughter is beautiful and i love being with the two of them. i just really wanted to know if it was wrong to want to spend a little time on our own.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:06:45 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/13/2008 4:01:17 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 8/13/2008 3:51:53 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You''re right. You are being a wee bit selfish. Sorry, but the daughter comes first. Now everyone can debate till the cows come home whether that is fair, correct, right, or whatever. None of that debate will change the fact that the kid was there before the girlfriend, and the majority of single parents will always put their children first.

In fact I remember posting exactly this to someone in the last couple of months who was debating a relationship with a guy who had kids.

Been there, done that. Those kiddie weekends are typically graven in stone. Get used to it, or get used to being unhappy and having disagreements.

I don''t think the issue is with the weekends when the child is there . . . I think the OP is upset that her FI scheduled trips for BOTH weekends this month that they DON''T have the daughter. Personally, I think that was a bit thoughtless of him, especially since he knows she''s new to the area and doesn''t really know anyone yet.

yes.. this is right. i would neer ask him to give up our weekends with the child-- ever. because i enjoy them as well.. i was just wondering if i was in the wrong in being upset that he made plans on our ''free weekends''. he too has mentioned many times that it is good to spend weekends just the two of us. especially since i recently moved here... we can explore the area together... and just kind of relax.

his bond with his daughter is beautiful and i love being with the two of them. i just really wanted to know if it was wrong to want to spend a little time on our own.

If you just want to know if your feelings are justified...then YES they are!!!! You deserve to nuture your relationship with your FI just as much as he deserves to nuture his relationship with his daughter. It''s a balancing act, but it''s important. You still have to be fulfilled as a woman too...

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:05:36 PM
Author: blondie23
BUT have you talked to him about this????? This situation will never get better if you don''t talk to him. You ask, ''I had babysitters growing up, why can''t we?''...well if you haven''t spoken to your FI about this situation then how can you expect it to get better? he''s not a mind reader...

yes we have disgussed this.. at length. it is hard for him to really understand where i am coming from because afterall, this is HIS child.. and of course he wants to be with her.... he takes offense more than anything.. and i understand that too.. i know that he feels guilty about not being there for her everyday ect.. in regards to the babysitter issue... he does not even like her to be with the grandparents on his weeeknds because he wants to be near her... as i am typing this i am like "i understand where he is coming from...I GET IT!" but it is hard for me.. sorry- but it is.

 

[Sabine]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:27:38 PM
Author: Livinthedream
Do you have a baby-sitter or someone who can watch her a night here and there? That way when those 3 weeks in a row come up, you will still get to have some alone, adult time in there. That is not unreasonable to ask for I think. Yes, his daughter is in YOUR lives, but there has to be a happy medium for all involved. I hope you can get into your own things as well!

Good luck

This is exactly what I was going to say! I think sometimes weekend parents feel like they have to entertain their kids for the entire weekend they are with their kids. But that is not realistic, kids need time with other kids and adults need time with other adults. You can probably bet that the weekends the mom is with the daughter, she is not with the daugther 24/7.

So I second getting a babysitter, and also want to suggest signing his daughter up for some sort of playgroup/class/activity that she can do with kids her own age while she is with you (if she doesn''t have friends that she has playdates with already!)

 

[jcarlylew]

i third getting the babysitter, but had another idea

can the both of you take a day or two off of work and play hooky?

As a former nanny/babysitter, i understand the need for parents and children to have their "own" nights, even in multiply family/house situations. I never though anything bad of either side who needed a night off. thats what babysitters are for!

I dont think you are being selfish, especially if you havent said "over my dead body this is happening!!"... unless you did say that?

good luck getting through these next few months. I know you''ll get through it. You''re already one strong and loving gal (based on other posts and your commitment to your fiance and his family).

 

[meresal]

Since we are only talking about the weekends that the daughter isn't there, I'm not even going to touch on that subject. Not to mention I have never been in your situation and would be the last in line to offer insight if you were asking for it, which you aren't. I think it's great that you have such a wonderful relationship with his daughter.

Here's my question... Did he take these weekends with his Dad often, before you moved there? If he did, it sounds like he's having a hard time letting go of his old, LDR mentality. ("He could do whatever he wanted without anyone's permission because you weren't visiting "said" weekends") You made a huge change in moving there, and he needs to know that some of his regular activites need to change as well. Also, get youself out into the new surroundings and make some new friends!! This is a situation I CAN relate to. It's hard and I pushed away for a long time, but eventually I met one other girl, and then there were 6 or 7 of us. Best of luck cbs!!

 

[Maisie]

If I only saw my children every other weekend I wouldn''t leave them with a babysitter so I could go out. I would see that as precious family time. There are weeknights and the free weekends for going out.

I can see the problem cbs has. Its not with the little one, its with the arrangements to go off on the free weekends.

 

[blondie23]

I actually need some clarification...does he ONLY she his daughter every other weekend, meaning you have every weeknight together plus 2 weekends a month (so he only sees his daughter 4 days a month) or do you have the daughter for the week days too (preceeding the weekend) plus 2 weekends a month (meaning 15 days total)??? I feel like that makes a big difference.

If he only sees his daughter 2 weekends a month, then I think it is reasonalble for him to spend that time with his daughter (since he sees you 5 days a week), but however, if he is alternating weeks with his ex (so the daughter is there the entire week) then I think getting a babysitter for one weekend evening is fair. If he is spending his off weekend with his father but you see him every other day of the week then why can't you have "date night" on Thursday instead? why does it need to be on one of his off weekend???

Can you please clarify the exact situation because I feel like that makes a difference??

 

[MonkeyPie]

I''m guessing mom has her on the weekends that dad doesn''t? Well...does SHE ever take the little one for 3 weeks at a time to let you guys have a break/vacation?

If she does...then I''d try really hard to just keep visualizing those weeks in your mind, and you will eventually get your turn.

 

[Independent Gal]

You''re feelings are COMPLETELY normal and understandable, and I say that as someone who was once the resented child. Now that I''m an adult, I''m able to see the very difficult situation that a step-mum is placed in. But I have also seen how wonderful a step-family can be if they all own each other. My step-dad practically adopted us, and considers us his own. We have a wonderful loving family together with his son with my mother, and my other siblings.

It is a very difficult thing to do, but if you could somehow find it in your heart to think of this child as a dear niece, or even some day as a daughter, it would go a long way for all of you. If you can grow to love her and make her feel your love, you will all be happier. I know that''s easier said than done, though.

Just a warning, despite your best efforts, the girl can almost certainly smell your resentment of her. Because she''s a child, she may feel sad, threatened, and very upset by feeling unwelcome in the house now that you''re there. She may be tempted to act out, and that is juuuuust as natural as your feelings are. The difference is that she is a child and cannot be expected (depending on her age) to manage her feelings with an adult''s skill. So please be patient with her and understanding, even when she acts out. Remember that you are the grown-up!

 

[Efe]

I hope you are not offended by this, but I think your FI is being a total jerk. If I were you, I would be hoppin mad at him for making plans with his dad for those 2 weekends. Unless there is a very good reason, he needs to change those plans. Your life has completely changed and you are trying to process those changes. Sure his life has changed, but not nearly to the extent that yours has, and he needs to take a step back and make an attempt to understand what you are going through. You guys need to talk this out before you begin to feel really resentful.

 

[purrfectpear]

He''s a jerk because he wants to spend time with his dad? It''s not like he''s going out with the boys to gamble in Atlantic City. It''s his dad (or it could be his mom, sister, whatever). He should be entitled to take a few days when he isn''t committed to being a dad, for himself. They aren''t joined at the hip. I totally get that OP is feeling insecure and lonely, but unless FI totally abuses (and two weekends away with dad don''t sound abusive to me) the kid-free weekends, I don''t really think it''s FI''s issue as much as the OP''s clingyness.

Certainly she should calmly talk to him about her feelings but don''t be surprised if he feels a little smothered to think that he must spend every other weekend being daddy, and every other weekend being with OP to the exclusion of any time away - just for him. Hopefully the two of you can find a place where each person in the relationship still has time for individual time away. It''s never healthy to try to monopolize another person.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/13/2008 6:21:45 PM
Author: purrfectpear
He''s a jerk because he wants to spend time with his dad? It''s not like he''s going out with the boys to gamble in Atlantic City. It''s his dad (or it could be his mom, sister, whatever). He should be entitled to take a few days when he isn''t committed to being a dad, for himself. They aren''t joined at the hip. I totally get that OP is feeling insecure and lonely, but unless FI totally abuses (and two weekends away with dad don''t sound abusive to me) the kid-free weekends, I don''t really think it''s FI''s issue as much as the OP''s clingyness.

Certainly she should calmly talk to him about her feelings but don''t be surprised if he feels a little smothered to think that he must spend every other weekend being daddy, and every other weekend being with OP to the exclusion of any time away - just for him. Hopefully the two of you can find a place where each person in the relationship still has time for individual time away. It''s never healthy to try to monopolize another person.

He''s not a jerk for wanting to spend time with his dad, but he is inconsiderate because he did not discuss it with her. They''re supposed to be a team and he should have mentioned that he wanted to spend time with his father during their off weekends instead of making the decision without consulting her.