a vent session and intro

[aggal06]

Hey guys, I''ve actually been lurking on this forum for quite some time but I just feel like sharing a little about me since I''ve never really done that, and venting a little about what happened this weekend to me.

First of all I just turned 24 a few weeks ago. I also just finished completing my master''s of public health degree, YAY no more school!!! Right now I am in the process of job hunting and I haven''t been successful so far, but hopefully soon! I''ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and 2 months as of the 21st of August and we''ve been living together for 4 years minus the 6 months from last October to May when he got a job 2 hours away(long distance relationships suck! but we still saw each other every weekend). It''s nice to be back together again in the same house! He keeps telling me that as soon as I find a job that we can get engaged, he''s promised this and I am going to force him to uphold that promise .

As for my vent session here is some background info...My boyfriend''s brother just got engaged last week. First of all my boyfriend didn''t tell me about it until 2 weeks later after it happened because he didn''t want me upset about it(he knows how badly I want a ring, I''ve been going on about it for the last 2 years now when I got my bachelor''s) so he told me on Saturday before we met them to drive to see his mom and dad. Hey, I''m not upset about their engagement, they''re in their mid-thirties, its a race to have kids, who cares about if they beat me or not, everyone has their own timeline is how I feel about it. I think he thought I would be upset though because they''ve only been together 1.5 years, but yeah I don''t care. So part of my vent is that we went to eat dinner with his parents on Saturday and of course she''s "the new fiance" all enthusiastically as his mom kept introducing her to people. I''m just " the boy''s girlfriend" not in a enthusiastic tone which does hurt for some reason, I really don''t know why, It might be a little bit of jealousy, but still I don''t want to be that kind of a person. I do understand that I''m only a girlfriend but I''m tired of being called that. I know a lot of you ladies can relate to that. Its been 5 years I want to be something more.

So anyway, my real problem is that I''ve been feeling like his family has pushed me aside even though I''ve known them longer, spent more holidays with them and been around them longer than she has ever been. So my problem is at dinner his mom was saying how she doesn''t want to be the bad mother-in-law and will plan holidays "around her family"..not around my family, but only around her family''s holidays. Oh thanks, lady...I guess I have no family myself! Keep in mind she told me like 4 years ago that I am part of the family...WOW I dont'' really feel like I am

I just feel like I''m not important to them or something now that I''m not a fiance even though the boyfriend and I have lived together for 4 years already and they do know that we plan on marrying someday. Maybe she''s given up on us? I have no clue. The bad thing is the boyfriend takes up for her saying that the new fiance''s family lives in St Louis, while mine lives 2 hours away from his family...but still I want to spend time with my family on holidays too you know..I hope you guys understand this. I feel like I hardly see my family because he ALWAYS has to see his on holidays and I get dragged along instead of hanging out with my mom and dad. Maybe I should just start doing my own thing and going to my parents'' alone? His excuse is, "Your parents never do anything on holidays." They may not do anything, but I would still like to hang out with them and see them!

On a side note I''m also mad at his family for a Christmas two years ago. For some reason I just cannot let it go, it pisses me off so much. I drove an hour and a half to eat Christmas eve dinner with them at their house and guess what? They ate without me!! I text messaged my boyfriend to tell them when I was leaving to drive there, and then when I was about 30 min away I called to let him know where I was, and yeah...I walked in the door and they had empty plates sitting in front of them, the boyfriend too. I thought he would''ve at least waited for me to eat dinner with me

The boyfriend wouldn''t let me eat in the kitchen alone (I dont like people staring at me when I eat it makes me uncomftorable). The boyfriend said I was blowing it out of proportion and that it isn''t rude to eat without me....*grumble* So they knew I was coming and then ate without me regardless if I was there or not and this isn''t supposed to be rude and still make me feel like a part of the family.. This is something that my family will not tolerate by the way. Even if the food gets cold everyone waits until everyone that is coming arrives so that everyone can eat together..some people!!! I''ve talked to my sister about this and she said I should have just turned back around and walked out and drove back home, but I''m not that kind of person. I didn''t want to look rude myself.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent to you guys. I look forward to meeting and talking back and forth with all of you. This forum is the greatest! Please don''t be too harsh on me for this post. I really do feel like his family hates me and I don''t know why.

I just really don''t know how to deal with it, and I can''t get him to talk with them about it because he thinks that I''m always in the wrong with my feelings. Sorry for such a long post!

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Hello -

It seems like you really need to talk to your boyfriend about this. I know you guys have been together for a while and maybe these things happen between you, but why didn''t you express to your boyfriend how hurt you were?? Maybe it would help to express your feelings. I would have been MAD if my boyfriend didn''t stand up for me and make his family wait. It''s almost common courtesy, so I would have been mad too. Maybe just distance yourself from his family. His mom really has nothing to do with your relationship with your boyfriend so don''t let her get to you. You have your reasons for waiting, and they are good ones!!

It seems like you just need to hold your ground and maybe try talking to your boyfriend''s mom. Even saying things like "well I have plans with my family so can we do it another time" might make her notice how important your family is to you (and you have every right to hang out with your family when you want). Sounds like an ugly situation, but stay calm and if you can, it will work out eventually!

 

[aggal06]

Thank you for reading through my very, very long post haha. I have talked to him about it, but he keeps taking his moms side. He''s let''s say...a mamma''s boy. He used to drive home every month or so before I met him so his mom could do all of his laundry for him, but now I do his laundry on a weekly/biweekly basis and sometimes make him help out with hanging up his clothes. I''m so evil! And everything he does, he wants done for his mom, not his dad, his mom. Like I would really love to elope and not spend all that money on a wedding that a lot of people spend. I''m not a showy person and a wanting lots of people around me type of person, I want something for just him and me. No offense to you ladies that want a nice big wedding. Everyone''s different. Anyway to my eloping comment he always says, "I want something for my mom". My own mom even agrees that I should elope haha! She even said she''ll just give me money to elope when that time comes instead of paying for a wedding. She''s already been through two weddings though, but his mom is getting a huge wedding with the new fiance, about 300-400 people attending so I thought that I might now be able to get away with eloping

since I''m not the first one getting married. Muhahahaha I''m so bad. But yeah, he sides with his mom a lot because he''s a big mamma''s boy.

 

[bee*]

I''d say it''s just the engagement excitement that your FMIL is caught up in, which is understandable. I''m sure that they''ll be the exact same when you guys get engaged. Sorry to hear about the christmas-that must have been a pain driving the whole way out there to find that they''d eaten without you. If you really want to spend Christmas with your parents, then I would. I''m going to my parents this year and D is going to his.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I think it''s natural for his family to be making a big deal about this. If their son is in his mid-thirties I am willing to bet this is something his parents were probably a little worried would never happen. I think, unfortunately, you just happened to be there one of the first times the engagement has been celebrated by the family so it''s natural that there is going to be a lot of fussing over the new fiance. I do not think they were trying to put you down. I think your jealousy is certainly affecting how you feel about his family right now. I also think any derogatory tone you thought you heard was put there more by your own mind and less by his parents. It is exciting that his brother is getting married, let his parents have that excitement. I am sure when it is your turn you will get the same excitement and same treatment!

If your BF can''t learn to juggle time between both families on the holiday''s now you may have to teach him to. Getting engaged isn''t going to make deciding where to spend the holiday''s any easier. If your family is close enough that you can split the day between both families find a way to do it and stand firm. If that is not possible, you will have to find a way to divide your time up somehow. Because picking a family became so difficult, FI and I made a tradition out of spending Christmas alone. This way, neither family feels like the favorite and neither of us feels like we are commiting an injustice. Both sets of parents know they will see us at some point in time and they have made peace with the fact that we can''t be in two places at once. It was an understanding that was reached long before we were engaged.

You know what I get out of your post the most...the fact that you DO care. I think you are a little jealous of the fact that the new girl is getting all the attention. It''s normal to feel that way especially if you''ve been around longer. I am sure once the excitement starts to fade you will realize that you are important to his family.

 

[aggal06]

Yeah, I think I am just going to take your advice. I''m just going to start going to my family''s house for holidays from now on if they fall on the same day/time period. Maybe that really will make them see that my family is important to me just like everyone else''s family is just as important to them. I enjoy myself more with my own family anyway.

 

[HappyCat]

Hi there, welcome!

I can relate to your situation. My BF''s (younger!) brother got engaged last year (on my birthday, but that''s another story..). He had been with his GF for 3 years at that point, so it''s not like they rushed into it, but I have been with my BF for over 6. I noticed the change in their mother too, that suddenly I was "just the girlfriend" and she was "the future daughter-in-law!" Quite frankly, I''m not that fond of their mother, and I''m quite happy to have the attention away from me, but I feel like she is belittling the relationship that I have with her son. It''s like she feels that because we''re not engaged yet, we aren''t serious about our relationship, which is frustrating. But there is a bright side to this: I can see how BF''s mom behaves herself at her younger son''s wedding and plan my own accordingly to minimize trouble.

But *hugs* to you, you''ll be engaged before you know it! In the meantime, having a place to let it all out definitely helps!

 

[KimberlyH]

As for the newly engaged couple, it's exciting news and it sounds like your boyfriends' mom was simply trying to express her glee in their engagement. While it's difficult because you wish it was the two of you announcing your engagement I don't think it was done to hurt you, and if you were the newly engaged couples' shoes you'd want the same treatment that was given to them.

Regarding holidays, you and your boyfriend need to have a nice, long sit down and come to some sort of compromise about how you are going handle holidays. For some couples alternating holidays works, for some it's choosing the holidays that mean the most for each family, for some it's celebrating seperately, whatever it is, you two need to figure out a solution together. You certainly shouldn't feel like you're dragged along to his parents' home, you can absolutely chose to spend your holidays with your family and celebrate alone with him on an alternative day.

As for the eating without you incident, while it was crappy of them, it's not worth holding on to if you wish to continue to build a relationship with them. Some families are more formal than others, and people react to different things, in their family it may be normal to eat at an appointed time whether or not all of the guests have arrived. Your boyfriend didn't think it was rude, so this is clearly a common practice with his family and something you may deal with again in the future, even though it wouldn't be acceptable in your family, it is with his and that likely won't change.

In general, I it would be best for you to step back and try not to compare yourself to the brothers' fiance. You are in different relationships that have and will continue to run different courses. Over time she may become closer to their mother than you are, because they have more in common, because her family lives further away, because of a myriad potential reasons, and over time you may grow closer to your boyfriends' mom than she does. It doesn't make your relationship with your boyfriend any less valid. My point is you can't control the relationships other people have with your family, your future in-laws, etc. So instead of worrying about it, nurture the relationships you do have with them and let them do the same with each other. Comparing will get you nowhere but frustrated.

Best of luck to you.

 

[meresal]

My FI was a huge Mama's boy but he has changed, and can I just say, it doesn't involve me doing his laundry. It comes from respect of the one you love. He stood up for me, when his family upset me. Only going by what you have said, it sounds like you have given alot to this relationship, and don't really get much in return. That may be why you feel that the Future In-laws are "out to get you". I moved across the state to be with my FI, and felt this way for a while. It's just a very vulnerable thing to feel, being away from family that you know loves you. But, if you've been there for 4 years, I would think that would have passed a while ago. The fact that he is so against going to your home, leads me to believe that could be a problem in the future. Definitely something you need to talk about before getting engaged.

The dinner, sounds like maybe it was an engagement dinner, and then the family is definitely allowed to be excited. If the mother was really referring to you as "the boy's girlfriend" then she was maybe being a lil snippy. However, if she was introducing you as the girlfriend like normal, then that is correct becuase you ARE the girlfriend. Mybe you were just a little on edge becuase it was news to you as well, since you had just found out.

The Christmas dinner thing, Yes, it was crappy of them, but if you didn't say anything then, I think you probably need to let it go. It's been almost 2 years.

I really think you need to tell him everything you have said to us, and if these things really bother you then you need to express that. It's not fare for him to just rub off your feelings becuase he may not agree with you. If this is really just a vent then forget everything I have just said. Best of luck!!

 

[sunnyd]

Wait, what?! I would stop doing his laundry immediately!!!

My FF is a recovering momma's boy. She is an incredible mom, but she does EVERYTHING for her kids. He needed to learn how to take of his own stuff. He's still working on it...

But your taking it over will not teach him independance, ya know?

You need to make your FF see that all this is excluding you. When you get engaged, he should be relying on you, not mommy. Decisions about where to spend holidays should be made together. You don't have to always go along with whatever he wants. Kabosh it lady!

 

[aggal06]

The dinner wasn't an engagement dinner by the way I guess I should have clarified that. His parents were moving his younger brother (he has 2 brothers) into his dorm for college, and we met them an hour away from where we live for dinner that night. It was just because they were sort of close by. His mom wanted to see him and the other brother. His mom talks back and forth with the new fiance through e-mail all the time so they had already been discussing stuff for the past two weeks but I'm sure they were still excited about it since the news is still fresh. I understand she's excited though, and yes I am a little bit jealous, but I think it's only human nature to feel a little bit like that. I'm at that point in my life where I feel like I'm the last person on this earth that isn't engaged or married since all of my friends are and everyone I went to school with is (I know I can't be the only on in the LIW forum that feels like this). That's what this forum is for, right? I'm feeling a lot better about it today though than I was on Saturday. Like I said, I'm not a mean person, nor do I try to be and I'm happy for them both for finding each other.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Welcome!

I can relate to some of the issues on your post. I too have been together with my FF for a long time (almost 7 years) and I really understand the desire to move forward in your relationship. It just doesn''t seem to happen fast enough, does it? We also had to wait at least until we were finished school - which happened not too long ago, so we are working on it! It sucks being called the ''girlfriend'' when you feel like so much more (not that there is anything wrong with being a GF - it''s just that it seems so insignificant after many years). I don''t have too much advise for this, just hang in there and enjoy dreaming of the day it does happen.
I can also relate to the holidays thing - we almost always spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with his family, and when my family goes away for the holidays we don''t join them because he doesn''t want to leave his family. However, in time this is changing a lot. I said I would go to my family''s without him if he didn''t want to join me, because it was important to me. Once I brought it up, after some discussion, he realized spending the holiday with me was more important. It is just taking them out of their comfort zone, which can be hard at first, but they create new comfort zones. Stand your ground, and go with or without him, if he doesn''t come it may be lonely but you are not the only one who will feel that way

Or you can spend it with both families if you want and just divy up the time.
Good luck and hang in there - if you ever need to vent or chat just post (it really helps!).

 

[trillionaire]

Hi and welcome.

The "other girl" syndrome is just going to have to run its course. There is going to be a lot of fuss and attention about the wedding, so you are going to have to learn not to take it personally. When it's your turn, you will get to be the star. You really should consider yourself lucky, because you will be getting engaged soon! My BF told me, when his (younger) brother got engaged in Jan 08, that there would be no engagements this year.

Yup, the whole year. And his brother got married in July. And I was just the GF. The GF who has been dating BF for 5 yrs, and 3 years longer than the couple getting married. And every time someone referred to me as the fiancee, someone jumped into correct them. It FEELS like people are rubbing it in, I am pretty sure they aren't. Honestly, we are probably the only ones that care or notice.

In terms of family, you will need to discuss and negotiate how that will work for you as a couple. My BF and I are on the east coast, which is where my family is (extended, not immediate). After years of celebrating Thanksgiving with my family (we both go home for X-mas), I insisted that we go to his family's house for Thanksgiving, and I brought my whole family(immediate)! It was great, and I really think that meeting the families made it feel more like family, and there is more respect for that fact that yes, family time has to be divided. Just a thought. The bad thing is that now BF wants to go to CA more often, which hurts my little wallet!

And I hope you get to elope! I want to elope SO BADLY, and am praying that BF doesn't insist on a wedding

. Here's to hoping!

 

[LaraOnline]

Okay... you've been living together since you were twenty. In accordance with modern expectations, many people would say that 20 would be too young to marry. You are 24 now, and many people would say that 24 is too young to marry. You are in a hard spot, as you have been basically living a married life, but without the recognition of the fact. Hmmm.

So now the older brother has announced a wedding, to a woman that is presumably a bit older than you. Because they are older, there is a more public (and probably private) understanding that they are 'mature' enough to marry. She didn't have to 'pay her dues' as you have paid, and as you continue to pay.

The problem is, that as the older couple are actually getting married, she actually is the future wife. She is formally joining the family. Until your boyfriend asks you to marry, your in-laws might be a little reticent to welcome you fully as a family member, partly because you are so young and therefore perhaps not 'ready' (in their minds) to marry.

Or perhaps the family doesn't want to play it up too much, in case they think your boyfriend is still making up his mind / your boyfriend is too young / or your boyfriend would interpret their support for you as 'pressure' on him from them? (sorry, that probably feels quite yucky to consider)

I can't really see any option for you but to suck it up, and carry on. When your time comes, and apparently it's soon, you'll finally be on the other side of the fence. Hope the process is sweet for you!

Regarding Christmas, yeah, that was really rude for a special meal like Christmas dinner, particularly as you had texted ahead and all. Perhaps they're just ill-mannered. But if they have hearts of gold, it shouldn't really matter in the large scheme of things. Again, your youth may have encouraged them to 'go casual' with you on that.

all the best and hope you feel better by venting / chatting with us

L.