merbear1215
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2010
- Messages
- 70
Hi Ladies,
As you may know, I posted about family dynamics and the different ones that my fiance and I have. I thought the advice you gave was great. Particularly when someone explained how you have to accept other people''s families, they grew up differently than you, etc. And also, that some people are just toxic and what not.
Still, I need to vent!! So the other night, my fiance lets it out that his mom thinks he is too young to get married and I am forcing him into it. Obviously, this is upsetting to me. So, the next, day I decided to give her a call. I said that I understand she has some reservations about our marriage or that I might be forcing him to get married and that I want to talk to her about that because it is obviously disconcerting to think you are not supported in your marriage.
I will hit some of the highlights for you all: She said that she thinks I have done good things for him, he has really grown up, I have instilled things in him she couldn''t, but that she always prayed he would marry a Christian woman (I am Jewish) and that now it is between him and god and if god is not ok with it, there will be repurcussions.
She said she IS happy that we are getting married since we already live together and so at least if we are married we will not just be just shacking up. My thoughts: wow, way to demean the relationship...must have missed that part where we have been in a committed, monogomous relationship for 3.5 years, but thanks for that
She said "everyone" was so surprised that we got engaged. And I asked who, since everyone who knows us well was not surprised at all, in fact totally expected it. and I said "well, are you surprised it happened now, or that it happened at all." She said, "that it happened at all, I thought you would just break up and go your separate ways." Hmm, ok, a little insulting.
She wanted to know who proposed to whom, since she thinks I was forcing it. For the record, he proposed to me but we did have adult conversations about it. It wasn''t out of the blue. I think the fact that we conversed about it makes her think it was forced.
She says he won''t talk about the wedding at all to her, he says nothing to her about it. So, I said...does he talk to you about other things? and she answers, no, which I know. The guy avoids her phone calls, kind of wants nothing to do with her, discusses nothing with her, so not talking about the wedding is kind of par for the course.
AARRRGH, there are just so many more things that were kind of rude, kind of inconsiderate. I think I was super calm during the call, but the thing is, the more I think about it, the angrier I get.
Here is the worst part: I just think she has NO idea who her son is. He is the most kind, generous, patient person I know. She is a person who always assumed he was getting into trouble (even though there was zero evidence of that) despite him being such a good guy. (example: she has always assumed he is a player, like having all this sex. Reality, he never had sex before were together (sorry if that is TMI), but she is convinced. In fact, when he first told her we were engaged, she said "you know that means you can''t sleep with other people." Oh, really......never thought of that (sarcasm) forgetting the fact that he has NEVER done that).
I think she has histrionic personality disorder....like everything has to come back to her in the most dramatic way. AAGGGHH, guys, I don''t know what to do!!!! I am so irritated. Should I email her all my thoughts (calmly and politely of course?), leave it be? stop including her in any of the wedding stuff??
As you may know, I posted about family dynamics and the different ones that my fiance and I have. I thought the advice you gave was great. Particularly when someone explained how you have to accept other people''s families, they grew up differently than you, etc. And also, that some people are just toxic and what not.
Still, I need to vent!! So the other night, my fiance lets it out that his mom thinks he is too young to get married and I am forcing him into it. Obviously, this is upsetting to me. So, the next, day I decided to give her a call. I said that I understand she has some reservations about our marriage or that I might be forcing him to get married and that I want to talk to her about that because it is obviously disconcerting to think you are not supported in your marriage.
I will hit some of the highlights for you all: She said that she thinks I have done good things for him, he has really grown up, I have instilled things in him she couldn''t, but that she always prayed he would marry a Christian woman (I am Jewish) and that now it is between him and god and if god is not ok with it, there will be repurcussions.
She said she IS happy that we are getting married since we already live together and so at least if we are married we will not just be just shacking up. My thoughts: wow, way to demean the relationship...must have missed that part where we have been in a committed, monogomous relationship for 3.5 years, but thanks for that
She said "everyone" was so surprised that we got engaged. And I asked who, since everyone who knows us well was not surprised at all, in fact totally expected it. and I said "well, are you surprised it happened now, or that it happened at all." She said, "that it happened at all, I thought you would just break up and go your separate ways." Hmm, ok, a little insulting.
She wanted to know who proposed to whom, since she thinks I was forcing it. For the record, he proposed to me but we did have adult conversations about it. It wasn''t out of the blue. I think the fact that we conversed about it makes her think it was forced.
She says he won''t talk about the wedding at all to her, he says nothing to her about it. So, I said...does he talk to you about other things? and she answers, no, which I know. The guy avoids her phone calls, kind of wants nothing to do with her, discusses nothing with her, so not talking about the wedding is kind of par for the course.
AARRRGH, there are just so many more things that were kind of rude, kind of inconsiderate. I think I was super calm during the call, but the thing is, the more I think about it, the angrier I get.
Here is the worst part: I just think she has NO idea who her son is. He is the most kind, generous, patient person I know. She is a person who always assumed he was getting into trouble (even though there was zero evidence of that) despite him being such a good guy. (example: she has always assumed he is a player, like having all this sex. Reality, he never had sex before were together (sorry if that is TMI), but she is convinced. In fact, when he first told her we were engaged, she said "you know that means you can''t sleep with other people." Oh, really......never thought of that (sarcasm) forgetting the fact that he has NEVER done that).
I think she has histrionic personality disorder....like everything has to come back to her in the most dramatic way. AAGGGHH, guys, I don''t know what to do!!!! I am so irritated. Should I email her all my thoughts (calmly and politely of course?), leave it be? stop including her in any of the wedding stuff??
I don''t know if I really have any helpful advice, but if I were in that situation I would be really sad. I had this serious boyfriend years ago (like when I was 18 or something) and his parents were really horrible to me (at the time, it looked like we were probably going to get married). They were orthodox Jews (although it was funny because they treated me and us so poorly, there was nothing ''G-dly'' about it) and I am conservative (although I love going to Orthodox synagogue and during college I spent most shabbat''s with the chabad group...I actually love doing that. But I myself am definitely not Orthodox) which they had problems with. I remember feeling so sad about it
he would talk to her. 
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