Ack! stymied on wedding size! lopsided?? long

[firebirdgold]

I''m totally at a loss. Before we were engaged we had been thinking about an immediate family ( only wedding somewhere exotic-ish. But once we got engaged and started telling people, things changed although we still want a very small wedding. The public reason is that we don''t want anything complicated or fussy, but the private reason is that we''re worried no one will show up.

We only have a couple of friends each who can be relied upon to come. (+6 ~ Of course they''re also the ones we''d regret not having and they''re all assuming that they''re invited anyway.

The problems start to show up when it gets to our extended families which are not exactly balanced when it comes to size or closeness. (Mine is small and not close, his is really large and quite close)

Problem 1) His family collectively does not have much money and since they''re all going to his little sister''s wedding this fall would probably not be able to afford to come to our wedding in March. Both clans live in New York/ New Jersey and we''re not getting married on the east coast for them. So we''ve been assuming no family. Which leads us to

Problem 2) not only can I guarantee that my grandmother, an aunt and uncle, and another aunt will all show up, but they already expect to be invited and would be very very hurt if they weren''t. (+4) The problem here is that my fi doesn''t want the wedding party to be unbalanced in my favor as he''d feel badly at not having his family. Only he doesn''t want to play favorites and invite just a few of his relatives.

Problem 3) So I suggested that we actually do invite all of his family since we know almost all of them wouldn''t be able to come. Except he said that if we did that they''d probably all come. You know, one of these days I''m going to have to get a better count of his family. But I''ve gotten the feeling it''s at least 50 people. Which would mean it''d be massively lopsided in his favor.

I must admit that I''m worried that too small a wedding won''t be much fun for people or feel enough like a wedding. I suppose we can always make a big effort to make new friends so we have more people to invite!

Anyway - We really don''t want to fight about anything involving the wedding, but we''re kinda stuck on the size issue. I''m feeling a little .. distressed about it. I just want the wedding to be really enjoyable and to feel like a wedding.

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions??

 

[Tybee]

Your problem is confusing to me.
I can''t get the sense of whether or not you want a large wedding/small wedding.
Your reason for wanting a small wedding is because you are afraid people won''t come?-- or if you''re just worried that he''ll have a lot of his family there. Did you mention this before? Is cost an issue?
Can I ask you what the problem would be if the majority of guests were fromo his side of the family? They are really there for the two of you, to represent your union, not to cheer on separate sides.
I''m sorry, I really just need clarification here, they''d I''d love to throw some advice your way... or at least some support!

Just for something to think about, we really wanted a VERY small wedding-- we kept trying to cut the list down, and were really surprised at how many people ACTUALLY came considering that EVERYONE had to buy a plane ticket, etc.
But every RSVP that came made me so happy! It was much bigger than we originally envisioned, but having all that love and support was so lovely.

 

[ladykemma]

if this were your best friend, what would you tell her?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

wait why do they have to be even? I am confused. Ours is lopsided (more guests on my side) but I don''t care.

 

[galeteia]

I''ll be in the same predicament, Indie.

I have exactly 3 family members who will be invited to my wedding (mother, uncle, and his wife) and probably 3 friends. (best friend, and my two closest girlfriends as BMs). The rest of my family is NOT invited. Period.

My wedding party, including close friends: 6.

His family (+grandparents, uncles, aunts, and first cousins ONLY) is probably at least 50.

I will already be facing scrutiny because of what I am, and if I show up with a pitiful few folk compared to his huge clan (anyone seen Elizabethtown? Yeah. Yikes.) I worry that I will be viewed as a girl with no ''connections'' and no family to speak of. My accent earned me some smirks and snickers up their sleeves at his grandfather''s memorial service, which I preferred to interpret as them trying to distract themselves from grief. The point is, it will be my tiny group vs their huge clan, and I''m uncomfortable with that. I can''t really justify why via a logical arguement, I just am. I''m not sure how it is all going to play out.

I don''t have any advice to offer, just some empathy.

 

[Gypsy]

We decided on a first cousin cut off the first time. This time... Just two first cousin''s each (we both have MANY more)... that we are close to. And the aunt and uncle level cut off for the rest. Trimmed the wedding down by about 100 people. I kid you not.

 

[ocbride2007]

I wouldn''t worry so much about being lopsided, unless there are people on one side that would really like to come, but are unable to because of inviting too much on the other. It sounds like your problem is, you have a lot less people on your side, so if you invite everyone he would have more?? I''m not too clear on that.

But I really don''t think that you should be too worried about being "lopsided." I have really thought it out, and for our wedding I''m thinking 30 people max on my side - and that''s a stretch, assuming I invite some not so close law school friends and all my family (well,, sort of all - I don''t really keep in touch with my dad''s side, and since I don''t speak to my dad I think it would be really awkward to invite them if he''s not there, besides they''re on the other side of the country). All of my family would be travelling from out of state, and I have maybe 10 friends here. I''m not sure I can even get my total to 30, it may be more like 20. So it would seem like we are having a small wedding, but... my fiance has a huge family, and most live locally. He has probably 30 cousins stateside, and a lot of them are married with kids, etc, not to mention aunts, uncles, parent''s friends, etc.. We are looking at a minimum of 150 on his side. So that''s at least 5 groom''s guests for each bride''s guest. But I don''t care, because he has lots of family and he''s closer to them than I am with mine. So to me, the numbers may be uneven, but we''ll each have everyone there who we care about. There is no way to make it even close to even without us leaving out some people we really want to be there.

So you may consider, why shouldn''t it be lopsided? Yes, if one person gets to invite everyone at the expense of the other cutting back significantly, that can be an issue - but if you both have all of your close family and friends represented, there is no need to try and smooth out the numbers just to make it look prettier.

And I just have to mention, when I think of the lopsidedness of my wedding, it will be like that scene in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" - where his family barely fills a pew, and hers is overflowing the bride''s side of the church. It doesn''t seem like yours will be that extreme, I hope!!

Good luck with working out the numbers!

 

[VRBeauty]

One of my dear SILs is from upstate New York and that''s where she and my brother--the first of the sibs to wed -- got married. A lot of her family members and friends were there. My family lives in California. My family is emigrated to the US and there were only the 6 of us, including the groom, at the wedding. Two of my brother''s HS friends were there, as were two former neighbors who had moved to the East coast. So the wedding was a little "unbalanced," to say the least.

Did it matter? Not at all. Did anyone notice? I doubt it. We all enjoyed the festivities and shared our joy that my brother and his bride were finally married. My father hosted a rehearsal dinner for the participants and out-of-town guests regardless of "afiliation." My SIL''s family invited all out-of-town guests to a backyard brunch the morning after, and we enjoyed the chance to get to know one another. I don''t remember anyone at any point grumbling about the "his" versus "hers" balance.

Good luck!

 

[Fancy605]

I don''t think many people will notice as long as you don''t have a "bride''s side" and a "groom''s side" for seating. As long as you are going to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about one of you and want to spend their time celebrating your marriage, then I bet ya it won''t make too much difference if it is lopsided because everyone will be supportive of you both.

 

[Tybee]

Oh, Fancy''s post just made me remember a BEAUTIFUL wedding that I went to at the Botanical Gardens in Atlanta.
They arranged the seating in the round.
I wish I had a picture to post, but I don''t. Maybe someone on here can locate one.
The seats all wrapped around the bride and groom-- so that there was no bride side and groom''s side.
It was really intimate and lovely.

 

[firebirdgold]

Hmm, there's a benefit to having the majority being his family... they know each other and it'll probably make for a very jolly party. He seems far more uncomfortable with the it being unbalanced in my favor than vice versus. I'll be meeting most of his family for the first time at his sister's wedding in September but they all sound like wonderful and happy people.

I think we'd both like the wedding to top out around 30 people. It's a good managable size, small enough that it won't seem weird not to have bridesmaids etc.. Plus we'd have plenty of money per person so no cutting of corners. There's also the issue that one of us has problems hearing in crowded places.

We really need to get our location nailed down soon, which means nailing down the size a bit better. The first cousin cut-off idea is a really good one. I suppose I could always invite my two first cousins since I know they'd never come. And if we made the wedding child-free maybe that would cut it down even more.

Ok, hopefully I can convince him of this... but I say we invite his whole family to the first cousins and let the chips fall where they may as far as size. I really really need to find out exactly how many first cousins he has. My eyes tend to glaze over when he tells me about his family as I have trouble grasping one clan that size let alone two!

I'm just going to assume that his intial theory was correct and that most of his family just wouldn't be able to afford to fly out from NY/NJ to NM just 6 months after a wedding in Oregon. I'm figuring we'd only get the most dedicated of family members. And if we get lots more... well we'll figure it out then but draping every surface in fabric should help with the noise!

ETA: I do have this vision of the guests being in a semi-circle around us.

 

[Gypsy]

Yeah... the first cousin cut off is a good one. I had three third cousins (and their spouses)... or are they second cousin''s twice removed??? Whatever... anyway, they were close to me because we''ve always lived near them and they got invited... but beyond that first cousins all around.

I gotta tell you though. LOVING the aunt and uncle cut off though. NO cousins except two first cousins (and SOs) on each. Fabulous. Trim. Affordable.


Good luck Indie!

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, so far this topic is not meeting with the best reception. When I asked how many of his family are coming to his sister''s wedding he said it''s not his wedding so he doesn''t know. When I asked roughly how many aunts, uncles, and first cousins he has the answer was ''a bunch''.

Oh yeah, this is going to be a fun topic. I''d heard that the guest list can be the most volatile of the wedding related issues, but I didn''t expect it to apply to us!

 

[Gypsy]

Okay. Yeah. Not going well, huh?

I have to say I just pestered mine one night-- following him around the house with the laptop and the guest list file asking him... how many aunts was that? What are their names? Married, widowed? How many kids did she have? Names... finally he just sat down and gave it all up. I had his mother look it over to see who we missed and went from there.

A friend of mine just gave her fiance a deadline. Need guest list by next Friday at noon. Non negotiable, no excuses will be accepted. Emailed that to him. Also told him the locksmith was scheduled to come and change the locks at 12:00 that afternoon. If there was a guestlist in her mail box, he''d get a key. If there wasn''t-- she''d booked him a hotel for the night. His choice. He had a sense of humor about it, fortunately.

 

[griffitk]

I don''t know if this helps, but we''re getting married in an amphitheater so there is no "his side" or "her side" to speak of. It''s a close and intimate space. I can''t wait to get married there!

Here''s a pic of another wedding there:

 

[flopkins]

My take? If you can reasonably afford it, invite both sides up to first cousins. That is what we did, and we still ended up with 150!! Although 1/3 of those were friends.

Anyhow, I think that it''s not worth the possible hard feelings of family if they''re NOT invited... esp if it''s within a reasonable number, and the budget allows for it, and like you say, his family is close.

DH''s family is far more ''fun'' and definitely added a lot to the party atmosphere at the reception (imagine MIL and FIL taking tequila shots w/all the cousins..

) and one of the top priorities for DH and I when we were wedding planning was to have our families there.

What are your priorities? List all the things you think are important in your ''vision'' of your wedding day and rank them. then from there it will be much clearer what kind of wedding you will have.

At the top of our list? Family & Friends and Fun. So we centered our wedding around that - it nixed the idea of a destination, or a small (<50) wedding, for example.

HTH

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/5/2006 1:38:28 PM
Author: IndieJones

I think we'd both like the wedding to top out around 30 people. It's a good managable size, small enough that it won't seem weird not to have bridesmaids etc.. Plus we'd have plenty of money per person so no cutting of corners.

If it helps, my wedding was equally small. We had 26 guests, 1 officiant (who is also my friend), and the two of us.

My family was dad, mom, sister and BIL. His family was mom, mom's BF, sister, BIL, and grandmother. The other 17 people were all friends of mine.....hubby doesn't have friends here (grew up in diff area), and my friends consider him a friend too.

We simply put 12 chairs on each side, and everyone filled in. No lopsidedness at all.

And yes, you're right......we didn't have to trim corners as much. We had a very elegant event for reasonable money with the people who truly mattered most to us.

For a bit of perspective: I'd have been deeply disappointed if I couldn't invite my few close friends to our wedding just because he didn't have as many people to invite on his side. These people have been with me through a TON, and it was important to me to have them there. That may be how your FI feels about his family, esp. since you say they are "close".