Advice for the Past-You

[madelise]

SHARING TIME!

So Disney and Nicolas Sparks movies have skewed most perceptions of what our soulmates are supposed to be like. Tall, dark, and handsome.. Willing to risk his life to save yours.. Living in a magical castle (what, there's no such thing? ) and etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Then came the movie, He's Just Not That Into You. to try and beat out our nonsensical ideas of some impossible perfect man and relationship.

If you can tell yourself one thing about finding your true love to a past-you, what would you say? I'm sure we've all had those "OMG I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND MY PRINCE CHARMING" moments, and I'm sure we all have friends who have confided the same sentiment to us. What's one thing you wish your single, almost giving up best gal pal would realize?

I'd love for my old-self, and for people now to throw away their lists. I remember making lists with my GFs in school, labeled "my perfect soul mate" or something the like. We'd put a whole bunch of make believe perfections.. how he'd look, things he'd say, things he'd do.. I created a "type" for myself. I secluded myself from accepting that there were plenty of available, and perfectly decent and goodnatured men out there, and instead forced myself to stay in relationships that were less than, because I thought it'd be impossible to find another to fit my ridiculous list. I would love to have gone back and time, and told myself that lists only limit the possibilities. Maybe I would have been happier, with happier guys.

By the way, SO would have never made my list. I was previously only attracted to extroverts that were ladies' men. Something about other women wanting my man seemed to validate some weird.. "he's worth it" thought in my head. After all, if other women wanted him, he must be a catch, right? SO's more of a homebody, and though he can hold out perfectly fine in a social setting, he's introverted. And I'm happy as a clam.

 

[Mico]

Great idea!

To the old me, points to ponder: (sorry madelise, i can't just do one thing... or just focus it on boys)

- as much as I hate to say this, listen to your mother, she really does know best (and look for the little cues your dad gives her behind your back, he's really speaking through her on issues that he may have).
- don't date men who are perfect physically and have potential on paper, or if you do - don't do it seriously. Their assets will only depreciate in time while yours will continue to appreciate.
- don't listen to madelise ( ), make a list and STICK TO IT. You deserve all of it, and if you play your cards right you will end up with someone who is EVERYTHING on your list. The one you made in 9th grade was perfect... just don't lose it. Your mother will somehow find it and throw it away - unfortunately.
- Tattoos are awesome, but the men you decide to date that have them are usually crazy... with extreme baggage. Fair warning.
- Don't let others influence you, stick to your guns, you WILL become everything you wanted - even if you don't see the clear path in front of you.
- take time in your responses, don't be so rushed in getting your ideas out without hearing them out once in your head.
- just gonna put this out there... but becoming a doctor TAKES FOREVER. I'd move to wisconsin and meet your future husband early so you can both travel europe and then finish a 6 year program together instead of meeting/dating/dating long distance when you're almost 30. He's the cute nerdy one with blue eyes and messy brown hair that likes to booze (don't worry, he grows out of that later).
- trust your gut, when ever you think something is wrong YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT - and if anyone tells you that you're wrong or tries to shift blame on you, punch them. Hard. Never doubt yourself.
- why the hell did you give up piano lessons? on that note, shame on you for dropping out of ballet too - you were good dammit.
- wear sun screen... no really, and use lotion more often

Finally: Don't ever let your surroundings run your life - you define your life. Never forget that.

*bows*

 

[missy]

My advice to myself in the past would be not to be afraid of marriage but to do everything (almost) the same because if I got married in my twenties I wouldn't have yet met my now dh and my true soulmate. The only thing I might have done differently would have been perhaps to marry my dh sooner than the 5 year mark so we could have started our married life together sooner. But I am a big believer in things are meant to be and so not sure that would have been a wise move. Things happen in their own time and with (often) good reason so I think I would be content to let things happen as they did all over again.

Advice to my past self not having to do with my love life would be Stop worrying about things you cannot change and worry less about all the other stuff!!!!! Only problem with this piece of advice (for me) is it is still difficult to take to heart and truly live that way. It seems there is always something to worry about and I hate that about myself and it is the one thing I so want to change...I am working on it every day though and I am at least conscious that it is a problem for me and I am making progress.

 

[peonia]

i love reading this thread!

i don't feel i have that much to contribute, because i've always kind of wandered along the love part of my life and things seemed to just... happen. but i would have liked to known just a few things:

- do not mistake the specialness of your first love with "the" love.
- don't be swayed by other people's opinions of any guy. you should make up your own mind from what you know about them.
- try not to drag on the issues you took on in a previous relationship into your current one.

 

[audball]

Don't drag drama from previous relationships into your current one. It's different, let it be.

DO make a list. But make it REALISTIC. IMPORTANT things. Like kids, money, religion, child rearing, where to live, HOW you spend your free time, HOW you spend your money, the real stuff, the stuff that can make or break you. Looks change with age. If your ideal guy is 6 feet tall, buff, tan, and all that jazz, well, you'll have to trade in for a new model every few years. Age changes you. Take looks out of the equation. Do you need to feel chemistry? Do you need to feel attracted to your partner? I think absolutely! But remove those MUST HAVE physical characteristics and open up to considering partners who match you on CORE VALUES.

LIsten to your gut. In my experience, it's NEVER wrong.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Guys don't read minds. Neither do we. Don't expect him to KNOW what you're thinking or feeling. Tell him.

No coddling. No acting like his mother early on trying to impress with your cooking and home making skills. Encourage a JOINT partnership where you BOTH help with monotonous daily tasks. Keep the playing field level so NOBODY feels like they're putting in more of the effort. If you BOTH feel like your'e putting in more than 50% of the work, you're probably doing really great.

Don't sweat the small stuff. PIck your battles. Sometimes it just doesn't matter that he put the toilet paper facing the wrong way. Forgetting to pay the electric bill? Different story.

Take time out for just the two of you. School, work, life. It all gets you busy. Always make time for each other to reconnect so you don't feel neglected or distant (especially important for persons with the Love Language "Quality Time").

Love yourself. Get to know who you really are and what you really want. IF you do and you love that girl, prince charming will find you too.

 

[pandabee]

I don't have any advice really...I need some!! haha half kidding. DBF is my first real and serious relationship so I jumped right in the deep end after flailing around in the shallow for quite some time.

 

[madelise]

I love reading your responses. Thank you for sharing. Little tid bits of your self-advice is good realization-advice pour moi as well.

I was just talking to an old coworker who's stuck in a rut with relationships after she has been through 1 failed marriage AND 1 failed almost 10 year relationship. Poor girl's just losing hope. I was able to share some of this knowledge with her, and she now has a bit to think about and she seemed like she hit some sort of epiphany.

And Mico/Aud, it's totally cool if you don't like my no-lists rule, lol. If you saw my old lists, you'd hate em too. HAHA! It was seriously IMPOSSIBLE. I think I required him to have magic or something of the like.. because he literally does NOT exist.


and I definitely thritto the sentiment about not bringing in drama from a past relationship. I wish I knew that sooner.

 

[audball]

I love reading your responses. Thank you for sharing. Little tid bits of your self-advice is good realization-advice pour moi as well.

I was just talking to an old coworker who's stuck in a rut with relationships after she has been through 1 failed marriage AND 1 failed almost 10 year relationship. Poor girl's just losing hope. I was able to share some of this knowledge with her, and she now has a bit to think about and she seemed like she hit some sort of epiphany.

And Mico/Aud, it's totally cool if you don't like my no-lists rule, lol. If you saw my old lists, you'd hate em too. HAHA! It was seriously IMPOSSIBLE. I think I required him to have magic or something of the like.. because he literally does NOT exist.


and I definitely thritto the sentiment about not bringing in drama from a past relationship. I wish I knew that sooner.

Your poor coworker! I hope she's able to pull herself together and keep trying. I think I'd be in a bit of a rut after all that too.

I'm sure if I was going off how you described your old list, that I would also be in the no list camp. I think it is important to know what you're looking for. But I firmly believe that no list is better than an unrealistic one (which it sounds like your high school one was...with the magic and all )