advice needed

[akw94]

I need a little advice. There''s an antique fair coming up next weekend that will have jewelry, as well as tons of other stuff. I mentioned it to my bf awhile ago, and he said he would like to go w/me to look at ring styles. Well, that was when I was more into antique rings and now, i''m leaning away from them a bit. I told him I wasn''t sure I wanted to go w/an antique style and he said we should still look at them anyway, so he can get a feel for what I like/dislike. Ok, that''s all fine.
My problem is that since that time, he told me he didn''t feel ready to propose and needed to slow down on all the ring talk. I mentioned this in a previous thread. So do I bring up the antique fair? I thought about bringing it up, giving him the option to go or to opt out given lots of antique stores in the area and saying we could do that the same weekend or any other or go to the fair. I also thought about bringing up the fact that he said he''s not ready. I''m a bit hesitant to go the fair or anywhere else right now, b/c I want to feel free to talk about rings and what I know and be excited and happy. If he''s not feeling the same thing, it will bring me down. I also don''t want to feel like I have to hold back b/c if I don''t, he might feel pressured, etc.. But is even talking about that too much and should I just leave the email about going to the fair or not?

What does everyone think?

Thanks!

 

[laurel_aurelia]

lkjh

 

[sumbride]

hmm.... that''s a tough one, but my hunch is you shouldn''t mention it. If you''re pulling away from antique rings anyway, there''s no reason to bring it up and have it cause another issue. He may say later "when is that antique fair we''re going to" and you can say "it WAS last weekend" or whatever, but since you have other resources this isn''t a "do-or-die event". If he feels time pressure and what he perceives as pressure from you, it may go badly. Find something else fun to do this weekend.

 

[jesterjigger]

I wouldn't mention it to him unless he asks...especially since you don't really want an antique ring anyway...no sense in taking him, having him find something he loves and buying it when it's no longer what you want! I like the idea of going on your own without him if you still want to go and browse though. Then he knows that you are capable of doing that kind of stuff on your own...

 

[firebirdgold]

Other than rings, are there other things at the antique fair that you''d like to see? If so you have two options: you can treat going to the fair like it has nothing to do with him, and casually invite him along. (A bit like you''re going to go to a movie that you''re pretty sure he''s not interested in, but you ask him anyway because he''s your bf and it''s polite.) Or you can say what would you like to do this weekend, the antique fair or ___ (insert fun day-long activity here)?

OTOH if it really is rings you''re interested in, wait until he asks ''what would you like to do this weekend?". Then you can say ''well, there''s the antique fair or we could do ___(option B)". Make sure you have a fun viable option on hand, though.
If he doesn''t ask, then don''t bring it up. He either a) remembered but doesn''t really want to go ring shopping. Or b) meant to go look at rings with you but forgot when the antique fair was(is). Yes, men are perfectly capable of forgetting stuff like that even though they have it in their heads to go. If it was option ''a'' be glad you didn''t bring it up, if it was option ''b'' then there are always those antique stores.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 4/21/2006 1:54:23 PM
Author: IndieJones
Yes, men are perfectly capable of forgetting stuff like that even though they have it in their heads to go.

They really are. My boyfriend CANNOT remember any plans we have. Ever. Unless it was his idea... then he has a chance of remembering it but won''t get the details right, like the time. I keep a calendar in the kitchen and that helps some, but I still get phone calls at work: "Are we busy Saturday?" I say "Yes, we have to do such and such then dinner at YOUR mom''s house..." or whatever. He just doesn''t have the capacity for stuff like that. Of course he teases me about not remembering phone numbers but I rarely bring up his no mind for dates issue. It felt good when he realized he could ask me rather than just blow it off. Usually in the morning I give a bit of an update to him... i.e. "Tonight is the neighborhood association meeting." "WHAT TIME?" "7, like usual." or "Tomorrow we''re having dinner with your brother, right?" "Oh yeah, thanks."

 

[froufrou]

i would say do not mention it to him, especially since you dont think you want an antique ring anyway. if you want to still go without him and look over all the antique rings there again to see that youre sure you dont want an antique one, that way you can have your mind all made up when he''s ready

 

[akw94]

Thanks for the responses so quick! You guys are great!
Wow, I wasn''t expecting the advice to be don''t send the email at all. Hmmmm....
Laurel, I definitely can''t just go w/o him b/c we always spend the weekends together. If I just went on my own w/o telling him, that would be weird. Plus, when I talked to him about it before, he said he would go w/me. I know that if we had talked about going to something together and then he just went on his own, I would be hurt. Plus, the reason we would go is so that he can see what I like. If he''s not there, he can''t really do that. And he was the one who wanted me to look at antique rings even though I was leaning away from them.

Jester, I''m not worried about him buying something we see w/o me saying I like it. For him, the whole point of us going is so that he knows what I like so that he can make the purchase.

Indie, There really aren''t other things there that I would go for. I do like antiques but i''m not an antique shopper. Also, he already knows why we''d go b/c I brought it up before specifically in the context of rings.

Now, I could just not bring it up as most of you suggested. Sum, I kind of like the idea of it being brought up at some point in the future and me saying it already past. He would probably find it odd that I didn''t bring it up. But it''s really hard for me not to tell him what i''m thinking and all weekend, I know this is happening but don''t say anything. Yuck!

I think it''s likely he forgot it is next weekend b/c i''m sure he didn''t make note of when it was. And as suggested, if he brings up the weekend, then mention it casually.
So I guess the concensus is to not bring it up.

The problem is, I do want to go look at rings and even though I don''t think I want an antique style, it''s exciting to go, and I really don''t know what I want yet. But I know me and i''ll want to do a lot of talking about styles and the 4 c''s and all my newfound knowledge from PS! How frustrating!

And makes me feel a little sad.

 

[akw94]

Frou, if it was more usual for me to just go somewhere w/o him on the weekend, I probably would just do that. But our normal way of doing things is to at least talk to the other about our weekend plans. So if I were to go w/o him, i''d still tell him and say i''m going to ..., wanna come.
And I do want to go, but with him. I have no desire to go w/o.
Sorry, I feel like i''m whining at this point...some days are tougher than others.

 

[Scooba]

amy- I can see how it would make you a little sad but I wouldn''t say it anything either, especially if I was already feeling a little hurt I would play it a little cool and not bring up something that has to do with a subject thatg may be a little sensitive to you both, you don''t want to start a fight or end up even more sad. Since it sounds like you are just getting ideas and not super close to buying there will probably be other antique shows, the outdoor season is just beginning so maybe there will be many more in your area throughout the summer. Go shopping for something else that would be exciting for you this weekend, ask you boyfriend if he wants to go to the mall and pick out some sexy shoes and wear them to dinner with him or something, that would tide me over a little...

 

[akw94]

Diamonds, I''m already thinking about going shopping! Actually, I was way before I remembered the fair and now, it sounds like an even better idea!!
I think you''re probably right, it could make me feel worse if the weekend didn''t go as I hoped or if our conversation didn''t go as I hoped. And I am pretty proud of myself for not bringing up rings for the past few weeks or so. I am trying to respect his feelings as well.
Luckily I have everyone on PS!!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 4/21/2006 2:48:09 PM
Author: Diamonds are Hot!
amy- I can see how it would make you a little sad but I wouldn''t say it anything either, especially if I was already feeling a little hurt I would play it a little cool and not bring up something that has to do with a subject thatg may be a little sensitive to you both, you don''t want to start a fight or end up even more sad. Since it sounds like you are just getting ideas and not super close to buying there will probably be other antique shows, the outdoor season is just beginning so maybe there will be many more in your area throughout the summer. Go shopping for something else that would be exciting for you this weekend, ask you boyfriend if he wants to go to the mall and pick out some sexy shoes and wear them to dinner with him or something, that would tide me over a little...

I''m laughing so hard at this!!! I don''t have the kind of guy who would go along with this but sometimes I wish I did. Mine would say "do I want to??? Hell no!" But I love the idea!

 

[akw94]

Well, I decided not to mention it at all. I think the thought of getting more upset if he didn''t respond according to my expectations is enough to keep me from saying enough. I am really enjoying us right now and our relationship. I don''t want to push things just to push them. I try to remember that I wasn''t thinking of us being engaged right now until he brought up looking at rings. So I know that i''m ok w/waiting awhile..not forever but certainly another year. Don''t get me wrong, i''d be happy if it was now. There kind of is a part of me that wants it before we move in together over the summer. But i''m also ok w/waiting until after that happens, which i''m pretty sure is what he wants to do.
So, he did bring up a couple of times what to do this coming weekend but I just didn''t mention it. If he remembers or brings it up, then great but otherwise, i''ll let it go. I think the idea of going was what I wanted more than actually going to this particular fair.
Thanks again to everyone! You really helped in this decision, and i''m very happy w/what I finally decided.

 

[Scooba]

Aww, you''re cute sumbride, I just LOVE SHOES!