advice on "and guest" invites

[cleokizzy]

our guest list has exploded to a number that is wayyy beyond our budget! to cut our cost, i was thinking of not inviting the husbands of those married guests.

now before everyone freaks out here, FI actually pointed this out to me: a lot of my married friend''s husbands doesn''t even talk to me or bother being friendly to me. example scenario: if we were to pass each other along the street, i''ll be with a ready smile and the husband would just walk pass me pretending to NOT see me! and as for the married friends of mine, they always come together as a group (like go out on sunday brunches) and leave their husbands behind. so i''m thinking it would be less guilt on my part...

FI & i might go this route UNLESS we come up with extra $$$.... but thinking about it, even if we have extra $... i''d still go this route and use that money elsewhere. if we were just millionaires, this wouldn''t be a problem!

what are your thoughts on this?

 

[cocolaw]

i don''t know! that''s a tough one. have you eliminated everyone that you really don''t need to invite to your wedding? if there are some people that you don''t really care about seeing at your wedding, but that you would invite if you had the money to have a really big event, would you want to send them marriage announcements instead? just a thought!!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I would only do this if it was a really small guest list, as in under 50 people.

I knew that personally, I probably would not attend a wedding if my husband weren't invited, and would think it's a little strange given it's a wedding..A private party just between close girlfriends is one thing, but weddings are about celebrating love and marital happiness, I would find it odd to attend one without my husband.

If you do go this route though, I'd just be sure to make it a solid rule without making exceptions for any of your guests since that would probably cause hard feelings.

It's definitely going to raise eyebrows though, people will probably assume you're very tight on cash to be going against normal, expected etiquette. In which case, I'd hope that the rest of the wedding resonates with it, because if I was told my husband wasn't invited for financial reasons, and then arrived at to a super lush and expensive wedding, I'd be a little hurt at my friend's priorities.

 

[charbie]

i''m going to be brutally honest here...i think it''s rude to do so. even after i got engaged, i was invited to a wedding where my FI wasn''t invited, and thought about not going. i think it''s inconsiderate. i understand where you are coming from, but once your friends are married, they kind of come as a pair to events like this. i think if you can''t afford to invite your girlfriend''s husband, than she must not be that gread of a friend that you would consider not inviting her husband, and then would eliminate both.

i think its tacky.

 

[choro72]

Do whatever you want, but be prepared for hurt feelings and many of the invited halves NOT attending. I know I would be upset if FI was not invited. If you have problems with the significant others, I don't think this is the appropriate way to let it be known.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Hmmmm... yikes. Tough call.

My first thought would be: bad idea! You would just need to make SURE they knew husbands were not invited. I don''t think I would attend a wedding if my FI (as my husband) was not invited. I would just feel out of place b/c I love dancing and romancing. But, as you said, these ladies get together all the time without their men.

I would just be so embarressed to get the phone call, "Is it OK if I bring hubby along? He wasn''t on the invitation." Could you tell one of your friends and get her to spread the word for you? You''d sure hate for them to assume it''s OK to bring hubby, then have unexpected guests coming.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 8/25/2009 4:56:17 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I would only do this if it was a really small guest list, as in under 50 people.

I knew that personally, I probably would not attend a wedding if my husband weren''t invited, and would think it''s a little strange given it''s a wedding..A private party just between close girlfriends is one thing, but weddings are about celebrating love and marital happiness, I would find it odd to attend one without my husband.

If you do go this route though, I''d just be sure to make it a solid rule without making exceptions for any of your guests since that would probably cause hard feelings.

It''s definitely going to raise eyebrows though, people will probably assume you''re very tight on cash to be going against normal, expected etiquette. In which case, I''d hope that the rest of the wedding resonates with it, because if I was told my husband wasn''t invited for financial reasons, and then arrived at to a super lush and expensive wedding, I''d be a little hurt at my friend''s priorities.

Ditto this, especiallly the highlighted part. I would absolutely understand if my friend were having a tiny wedding and she were pinching pennies everywhere and did this. However, I would question her priorities if I showed up and seemingly the only cuts were my and other friends'' SOs (I''m in the camp of those that believe it''s rude not to invite committed couples as a unit).

 

[brooklyngirl]

No offense, but IMHO inviting only one part of a long-standing couple (especially a married couple) is just plain rude, especially if you''re having a large wedding. If these friends aren''t close enough to you that you would cut their husbands, perhaps you should cut the wives form the list too.

Perhaps you need to give some further thought as to what type of wedding you want to have, so that it fits within your budget. Someone mentioned on the bridal party picking thread, that if you have a hard time choosing who is close to you, perhaps it''s time to change your criteria, and narrow down the pool.

 

[swimmer]

Why not invite your gal pals out to dinner and put your cards on the table? They could make a ladies weekend of it, celebrating sisterhood and getting their nails done together or whatever before headed to your ceremony. Quite frankly the husbands that you do not hang with will probably be relieved to not have to attend...but I am very firm in my belief that you HAVE TO HAVE both their names on the invite. I was PISSED to recently be invited to a wedding without my husband. It was disrespectful to my DH, to our relationship, and my friendship with the couple getting married is pretty much over. Had the groom called me to say, "hey, we have a space thing, it is just going to be a few people, but I want you there"...I probably would have gone. But nope, just an invite for me to fly across the country solo and no call to explain why. I know that I am not a valued friend and that DH does not exist to them. Not a great foundation for future friendship. So, I would just suggest openness and honesty, the ladies will probably understand and have a blast dancing together.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 8/25/2009 7:15:51 PM
Author: swimmer
Why not invite your gal pals out to dinner and put your cards on the table? They could make a ladies weekend of it, celebrating sisterhood and getting their nails done together or whatever before headed to your ceremony. Quite frankly the husbands that you do not hang with will probably be relieved to not have to attend...but I am very firm in my belief that you HAVE TO HAVE both their names on the invite. I was PISSED to recently be invited to a wedding without my husband. It was disrespectful to my DH, to our relationship, and my friendship with the couple getting married is pretty much over. Had the groom called me to say, ''hey, we have a space thing, it is just going to be a few people, but I want you there''...I probably would have gone. But nope, just an invite for me to fly across the country solo and no call to explain why. I know that I am not a valued friend and that DH does not exist to them. Not a great foundation for future friendship. So, I would just suggest openness and honesty, the ladies will probably understand and have a blast dancing together.

Great post, swimmer.

I''m with the others on this one. If either one of us received a wedding invitation that didn''t include the other DH nor I would attend unless it was the very small wedding of a very close friend. I hope you are able to find a way to work this out that doesn''t include alienating your friends.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hmm.. i see where you are coming from and i am planning on doing something similar, although it''s for my work friends, I work with a very small, close knit bunch of people and i had considered just inviting 3 or four of them with their partners but then i was feeling really guilty about not inviting the others so i have decided that i am going to invite everyone from work (i work in a research study, we are team of 11) but not invite any partners, i plan on explaining to everyone why (it''s a small backyard wedding with under 60 people) but also state that if they don''t feel comfortable attending without their SO''s then i completely understand and i wont have any hard feelings.. i just wanted to include everyone and that this was the one way i could do it. It''s not like they wont know anyone else there... we are a close bunch and i actually think that they would probably have more fun without having to make sure that their partners (who don''t know anyone) are ok.

So to make my point... i think it''s ok if you explain it in person and put the ''girls night'' spin on it.

Good luck!!

 

[cleokizzy]

*sigh* i kindda know that it is rude to take out the husbands *sigh*

since these girls aren''t too special enough for me to even think of inviting their husbands, i might just take them off my list and invite them to a girls night out event. i think the tough part for me is that i always see the girls (have a few chat once in a while) every week that i feel guilty of NOT inviting them (them meaning the girls only, not the husbands! haha). oh well, i have to do what i have to do. i''m no millionaire anyway.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/25/2009 7:52:07 PM
Author: Clairitek

Date: 8/25/2009 7:15:51 PM
Author: swimmer
Why not invite your gal pals out to dinner and put your cards on the table? They could make a ladies weekend of it, celebrating sisterhood and getting their nails done together or whatever before headed to your ceremony. Quite frankly the husbands that you do not hang with will probably be relieved to not have to attend...but I am very firm in my belief that you HAVE TO HAVE both their names on the invite. I was PISSED to recently be invited to a wedding without my husband. It was disrespectful to my DH, to our relationship, and my friendship with the couple getting married is pretty much over. Had the groom called me to say, ''hey, we have a space thing, it is just going to be a few people, but I want you there''...I probably would have gone. But nope, just an invite for me to fly across the country solo and no call to explain why. I know that I am not a valued friend and that DH does not exist to them. Not a great foundation for future friendship. So, I would just suggest openness and honesty, the ladies will probably understand and have a blast dancing together.

Great post, swimmer.

I''m with the others on this one. If either one of us received a wedding invitation that didn''t include the other DH nor I would attend unless it was the very small wedding of a very close friend. I hope you are able to find a way to work this out that doesn''t include alienating your friends.

Ditto - when I first read your post I thought, well it''s your wedding so invite who you want. Why should you invite people you don''t want to be there. BUT then I thought about it and if my husband was invited to a friend''s wedding but I was specifically not invited, I''d be pretty upset and knowing my SO he wouldn''t like it either as he likes us to go to social gatherings together. He likes to ''show me off''

I completely understand that you don''t want to feel forced to invite '' the world and his wife'' so I agree with swimmers suggestion about being honest with your friends

 

[purselover]

I have to be honest if one of our friends did this the group of us would be talking about her, and definitely not in a good way. If you can''t afford to invite their husbands don''t invite them.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Hmmm...

I''m going to be really honest here...but I think your explaination is pushing it a lot and you''re stretching to find a comfortable way to say I''m just not inviting them because I can''t afford. I think you really need to step outside of **your** situation and consider how you''d feel, as a guest, if your husband wasn''t invited to a wedding that you were invited too. I think you''d feel pretty bad, upset, and maybe even pissed off...so you can pretty much bank on these women feeling exactly the same thing.

Girls only brunch...that''s apples and oranges from the type of event you''re talking about right now--your wedding. I do girly things with just my lady friends all the time that my DH isn''t included in...but I wouldn''t count a wedding as one of those things, ever actually. I view my husband as a continuation of myself...and for formal events, you don''t get one without the other...sorry.

I''m a big believer in not having a bigger wedding than you can afford...but I don''t think you need to hack etiquette to death either. Find a happy medium, even if that means not inviting the women. I think people will look more favorably on "we''re having an intimate wedding" than they will "we just couldn''t afford to invite your husbands" if you know what I mean.