advice??

[bravesfan]

Hey everyone! I am new to this site (well not new... I have been "lurking" for about 6 months but I finally got the nerve to post!!) I need some advice...
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 71/2 years and we have been seriously talking about marriage for the last year to two years. We started looking for rings a while ago and ended up having one designed. So here is my predicament... I know that the ring was finished about 6 months ago and still nothing!!! It seems like he has just skipped the whole "proposal". He talks about where and when and how the wedding is going to happen but says nothing about proposing. I mentioned it once to him and he got defensive and said he wasn’t sure what he was going to do and that it was his thing to take care of.

I am starting to go crazy waiting for the proposal

... I have been patient for a long time!!

Any advice or is it as simple as "it will come when it comes"?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You said you discussed the wedding, any date he has in mind? I mean if he talks about a summer wedding I am guessing he will propose before then. Maybe he is just nervous about making it perfect and that is the hold up. I just would suggest talking to him. When he gets defensive, which he probably will, just explain YOUR feelings. I am sure he has no idea the frustration you are going through and once he does his timeline will shorten.

 

[bravesfan]

when he talks about a date he usually says in 2 years. That seems like a long time to have an engaement ring just sitting there.

I have talked to him about it here and there but he just says to relax (which I might add is a hard thing to do when you are a LIW

!! )

Is it normal for a guy to have the ring just waiting around for that long? I mean... if he wasnt ready to get engaged why would he buy the ring?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

First of all I am so rude!

welcome out of lurkdom. Maybe he is just throwing you off. I find it very odd to have the ring for 1+ years before he proposes. Hopefully he is keeping it safe BTW. My Fi had it for over a month and I thought that was strange!!! But he had his perfect plan and it was perfect for us. SO that is what it sounds like. Two years is a long engagement unless you are younger, short courtship, or still in school. Do any of these apply?

 

[bravesfan]

Thanks... I am glad to finally belong!!!!

We are still in school...And we have talked about not getting married until we are out...
however... i wouldnt think that it would be a problem to be engaged for the last year of school. I just feel frustrated knowing that there is a ring ready and waiting and he knows that I am ready to take that step soooo.....

I dont know... i just needed to vent and to find out if it is common for someone to wait that long when they already have the ring.

 

[MissAva]

Welcome to the LIW. Congrats on choosing the proper baseball team.

I think you are a saint! He has had the ring for six months and his dwelling is still intact which means that you are a far better woman then I.
I think Tacori is offering you wonderful advice. Ask him exactly what date he wants to marry you. Then show him a list of all the things which need to be compleated, such as a reservation for a local at least a year in advance, and ordering a dress 8 months ahead of time. Point out that he increases your burden by waiting and then ask him what you can do to make things easier for him. I know alot of my guy friends feel like if it is not the most fantastically amazing moment of their girls life that she will bear a grude forever.
Do not dispear over the time issue, I think Milly is in a similiar boat and BlueRoses has been with her SO a long time as well.
I have been with my SO nearly 5 years and here that seems like nothing. Welcome again to the LIW. *hugs*

 

[door knob solitaire]

Welcome to the forum.

I lurk on this subject, as I am a wife.

My first thought for you is this young man has a plan. I wonder if he hasn''t heard that the holidays are the best time to do these sort of things. It is possible he has big plans for a specific day.

You only have 60 days remaining in this calendar year...I would wait until the 61st day...after new years eve...and then ask if still necessary. Some guys just want to steer the ship for as long as they can. Try to get it off your mind...and enjoy his suprise on his time.

Hold on sweetie...DKS

 

[Erin]

Ring

Eighteen months and counting

 

[flutterby]

Welcome! Guys can be wierd about this. There are many reasons why. Maybe he is waiting for the right time, when you least expect it. SO the less you talk about it the least he assumes it is on your mind (WRONG). Maybe he has heard that the engagement is usually around a year before the wedding and wants to wait till then, and maybe just isnt ready. My FI bought a beautiful ring for his exgirlfriend, she helped pick it out, two years went by and he didnt give it to her. She was so frustrated she left, he wasnt ready (thank goodness for me!) There are so many things it could be, but a relationship is based on communication, you should be able to talk about it. You should be comforatable asking, will we be engaged in the next 6 months? I cant wait, are you excited as well. I dont think you should pry every detail out of him, but it is good to be able to discuss these things.

 

[bravesfan]

ok.......... so I took your advice and I talked to him this morning. He said not to expect it this year (2005) but he will give me more than a year to plan a wedding. So I guess that I will be asked before the end of the summer?! I am just so confused why he would buy the ring now and wait that long!! Men!!!! They have no I idea what they do to us by making us wait!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You are exactly right, guys just don''t understand, AT ALL. I was so frusterated and a mess before we got engaged. The anticipation was really stressing me out. I turned into a completely different person (for a short time anyways) I can really relate to LIWs because I was one for so long. The only saving grace to my sanity was knowing that he DOES love me and DOES want to marry me someday....He also gave me a "deadline" and said I would be engaged by my 25th b-day (he said this on my 24th so I had almost a WHOLE YEAR to wait) Actually last thanksgiving both our families came to visit us and it was the first time they really spent any time together all my friends and even my sister convinced me that this was when he was going to propose. It never really occured to me but after enough people suggest it you will believe anything, well I am sure you guessed it, he did not. I was SO depressed. The last night I even cried when I realized it wasn''t going to happen. It would have been great because our families got along so well. I talked about it with him and he said he thought about proposing that weekend but was so nervous about the pressure of our families getting along he thought it would be too much and then admitted that he should have. He felt horrible that I got my hopes up which is why I think he really planned and wanted it to be perfect. After all there aren''t that many true surprises in life and I think your BF wants it to be special for you. I also think he is concerned with school and finishes this part of his life so he can move onto the next (marrying you). I hope that helps ease your mind. Wait until the new year like door knob suggested and then talk about it again. If you are as crazy as I was as a LIW ask when you can expect it (like a deadline) I know it is not as romantic but I am POSITIVE he will over shoot the date so that you will still be surprised. Just vent your frustrations here because so many women can relate. I wish I found this site before I got engaged all my friends/family that I was insane.

Know we are all here to listen and help!

 

[bravesfan]

Thanks you guys for all of your help. l am so glad I posted! At least I have someone who can relate to my stress! I was going crazy not being able to talk about it! I appreciate it!

 

[snuga]

bravesfan,
i was also going crazy for a proposal, but got a deadline from my boyfriend. Although its longer than I want (10-11 months), at least it has calmed my nerves some and I know that a year from now I will be engaged to *him*. like tacori said, it''s not the most romantic thing, but it really does put your mind at ease..

it sounds like you sort of have one already, if he wants to give you over a year to plan the wedding, next summer seems good. he probably just wants to make everything perfect for you and that''s why he''s waiting. keep us posted.

oh and welcome!!

 

[anchor31]

Bravesfan said: "Men!!!! They have no I idea what they do to us by making us wait!"

Men definitely don''t realize what they''re doing to us. My boyfriend looked at ring last Christmas break, almost a year ago, and has been dropping anvil-sized hints about wanting to propose to me since then, but looking at it rationally, due to our present situation and all, I really don''t think it''s going to happen for another year or two... It''s a big boy-soon/girl-soon thing.

The thing is, I''m still in school and he has a few things to take care before we can get married, not to mention that we are long-distance at the moment. So, I wouldn''t have found PS and I wouldn''t be a LIW if he hadn''t done the ring-looking and the hints-dropping. He told me last spring that "because he looked at rings didn''t mean he wanted to propose now", but what was I supposed to think? Marriage and engagement is popping up more and more often in our conversation (he brings it up more often than not...), he tells me he told someone about wanting to propose to me, and just yesterday he called my sister is sister-in-law and in answer to my questionning look, said he''d "have to do something about that"... My point is: if he ever complains that I''m pressuring him, he''ll have to remember that he brought this upon himself, because I wouldn''t be "pressuring him" if he hadn''t done/said all those things. I wouldn''t even be thinking about getting engaged yet and waiting another year or two wouldn''t have bothered me. However, because of what he''s been doing/saying for months, now it does.

So, why would men start dropping hints if they''re not planning to propose for another two years or so, as I suspect my boyfriend is? How can they expect us not to start hoping and talking about it and eventually go mad?

Like Tacori said, what keeps me sane is that I at least know he does want to marry me. He is thinking and talking about it, which is already a good step.

Bravesfan, do come and vent. It''ll do you a lot of good, and it does us a lot of good too! It''s great to know we''re not alone in this, and a lot of us have no one to talk to except the other LIWs here. So, welcome and good luck!

 

[perry]

Bravesfan said: "Men!!!! They have no I idea what they do to us by making us wait!"

I know this is mainly a LIW forum. But I should point out that this goes both ways....

Women!!! They have no idea what they do to us by making us wait!

Couldn''t resist the counterpoint.

Overall, I suspect the overall anquish is about the same. Guys just handle it a bit differently - and are not likely to post their frustrations and concerns on a forum like this.

Perry

 

[decodelighted]

Perry,
I think the difference is that we women know EXACTLY what we''re doing making you fellas wait.

 

[MissAva]

I see to put it in man terms this is how females see what they are doing:

strip naked = talking about getting married
kiss them= going to look at rings
get dressed and walk out of the room= dropping the subject and being annoyed when it is brought up

 

[Shay37]

Oh, honey, I feel your pain. I personally am one person who thinks that whole surprise proposal is overrated. (especially if he makes you wait what seems to be eons for it) My husband and I had known each other for three weeks when he proposed. I said yes. It went something like this. So, you want to get married or what? This as we were driving back from my family reunion. Since knowing him longer, I know that he was scared and didn''t want to plan something big in case I said no. (fat chance) It was definitely love at first sight.

Now to the ring. It was August 13 when he proposed, and it was October 15 when he bought my ring. I moved to RI April 28 on my 30th b-day to be with him. I''m thinking that this is it. We now start to plan our wedding, but NO!

He would not even tolerate a discussion on setting a date. Talk about being confused. I thought I had been given the bum''s rush. I just tried to be patient and be myself as we went about our daily living. I will say though that there was one day he came home and I was cleaning the cellar. He came down to see what I was doing and I wouldn''t talk to him. He tried to tease me out of my mad, and I finally told him he would be best off walking right back up those stairs. I had actually come downstairs to pack my stuff and leave, and I just couldn''t do it, so I ended up with the cleanest cellar in the world.

It was a couple of months later that he finally explained to me why he was hesitant to set a date. (long and painful private story) As soon as that issue was resolved in March of 1997, he said, "Okay, when do you want to do it?" We set the date for the following year in June.

It was not that I wanted to jump right into marriage. I just wanted to know that that day was in fact on the horizon, and that we were both on the same page. Until he was willing to talk about what was going on inside, I just had to suffer through thinking that he was having second thoughts, and that he really didn''t want to marry me now that I was readily available in the same state. It was a very difficult time because my parents were putting pressure on me to come back home (Texas) if a date wasn''t set by a certain point. I basically had to tell my parents that I had made my choice when I came here, and that they would be the first to know when we set a date.

Let''s just say that if they gave frequent flier miles for guilt trips, I would now have enough to go to the moon and back from that period in time.

Bottom line: Realistic expectations. It is not fair in my opinion for someone to string you along with the knowledge of a ring held in their possession for you. It seems sometimes as if some men like the sense of power it gives them to make you wait until they say okay. It is not realistic for them to expect you to not be nervous, and happy, and scared, and filled with anticipation all at once at the mere thought of them proposing. Both sides need to communicate these thoughts without being judgmental. He may have something wonderful planned, or he may be running scared. It does happen for guys to realize all at once their dance card is full with just one woman and to be scared about that. They really want to marry YOU. They really love YOU. They are just scared because it all becomes so much more real once they buy the ring and propose. Talk is cheap. Putting themselves on the line is scary.

Chin up. Talk to him. Explain how you feel. Listen to him in return. It should work out. Good luck.

shay

p.s. My DH and I have now been married for over 7 years. We have two small children and love each other awful. I wish that for all the LIW''s as well.

 

[bravesfan]

Thanks for sharing that story with me... I appreciate it.

My hope is that he just has to plan something that is date concious and thats why he is holding on to the ring of my dreams while I am just sitting around!!

I am very happy to hear that every thing worked out for you and I think that it will for me too (If I can be patient: which I might add is not a strong point for me!!) At least my comfort is he said he will give me at least a year to plan the wedding and so that puts me waiting no longer than summer!!!

 

[AmberWaves]

Okay, now I don''t feel so crappy about the deadline my BF gave me, he said within 4/5 months from now. (Please don''t hit me!!)

At least he''ll talk over what we''re doing for a wedding theme and all that, but it''s driving me crazy. A lot of big dates, big proposal-type dates, I mean are coming and going, our anniversary last night (Hello, at Disneyland!! Any more romantic?) my birthday on Saturday... Is he waiting for new years? Christmas? Or LITERALLY 4/5 months away, when it''s nothing special (other than my brother''s wedding in Syndey). And I hope he knows I don''t want to get engaged at someone else''s wedding. After every occasion, my boss comes in to work and goes, What? No ring? What''s taking him so long?? Now that I''ve found the jeweler''s card, I''m like a dog with a bone. I am thisclose to calling (but I woudn''t ever, I trust him). He should know I am the most impatient person ever.

It''s hard when you know he''s looking, may even have found what he wants, but is waiting for something. What could it be?

 

[bravesfan]

"about the deadline my BF gave me, he said within 4/5 months from now."

Amberwaves--- I am soooo jealous!!

Your deadline isnt nearly as long as mine!!!

It seems sooooooo far away and knowing that everything about the ring is done is just to much to take!!!

At least we can all go through this together.

The only thing keeping me sane (beside all of you LIW) is the hope that maybe he is just saying that to throw me off his track!! Maybe it will be sooner. (and I guess if it isnt then I am no worse off... besides being slightly crazy from having to wait this long)

 

[cutes814]

Date: 11/1/2005 8:57:32 PM
Author: bravesfan

My hope is that he just has to plan something that is date concious and thats why he is holding on to the ring of my dreams while I am just sitting around!!

I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same situation. Sam has picked up the finished ring 7 weeks ago and it''s just sitting around the house somewhere, no proposal. My hope was the same as what I quoted you above. That maybe he''s hanging onto it for a very special date. Turns out he is not.

We had a talk last night and I found out that he is very nervous about this, about the fact of actually asking me to marry him. So he needs his time and space to prepare for it to make it perfect! Even though he said so himself that it probably won''t turn out perfect, he still wants it to be perfect. Guys go through their own phase as well, but it''s totally different than what we go through. We''re anxious awaiting that special day, but they are nervous and stressed preparing themselves for that day.

I understood where he was coming from. I''ve been so involved in my own feelings, that I didn''t even realize he could even possibly be feeling this way. I thought guys just ask and that''s it, but to them, it''s much more complicated. The pressure is there to make it perfect and memorable. Because you only get one shot and you will always remember that moment.

So maybe he''s just prepping himself for the magical day. I agree with most of the ladies here, ask him to give you a vague timeframe. Sam finally gave in and told me that it''ll happen after Thanksgiving, but before Xmas. I feel much better knowing the timeframe of when it''ll happen instead of second guessing myself and wondering, "Why isn''t he proposing? What''s he waiting for?!"

This waiting part is hard. We all feel your pain, so feel free to vent anytime! (Look at my thread! It''s 6 pages long and still no proposal....hee...and I started the thread after we had decided on the setting and almost bought the diamond...so we were way deep in the process already.)

We''re here to listen anyday and everyday. Welcome to LIW!

 

[AmberWaves]

It feels so much better to have other people to vent with. I''ve been at PS for months now, and just lately I saw LIW. Why didn''t I come here earlier? I see the card with the jewelers info on it- get this, it''s on the back of a business card from one of the parents of the kids he coaches for- who is a producer on South Park the cartoon. So my most treasured info is on the back of one of the least romantic and profane shows. Where was I? Oh yeah. so the card had been moved onto the dresser after I looked at it (he caught me) and hasn''t moved from there in over a week. I keep trying to check to see if it''s even been moved a fraction of an inch, but no go. He doesn''t know how this tortures me. Because if he needed it, he would take it with him, right? I need to be patient. See, I know my deadline is closer than some of yours (For this I make a sorry face) but then I think how it''s after christmas, and new years, and Valentine''s day, and his birthday, and think of how far away that is! Sorry guys! I must say though, he doesn''t have the ring at home, so at least you guys have the comfort of knowing it''s there in reality!

 

[bravesfan]

Date: 11/3/2005 12:23:15 PM
Author: AmberWaves
I must say though, he doesn''t have the ring at home, so at least you guys have the comfort of knowing it''s there in reality!

Sometimes I think that the fact of him having the ring available to him makes it worse. That just seems to cause more thoughts to surfice (Does he still want to marry me? or Did he change his mind and hope that I will forget that he has the ring hiding somewhere?) At least if he doesnt have the ring, then you can write it off as "he is saving his money" or "he hasnt found the right one" (You know, all the excuses that we tell ourselves in effort to perserve our sanity!

) I dont think I would be this crazy if I didnt know that he is just sitting around with nothing stopping him from asking me.

 

[bravesfan]

oopps! I fogot to tell you ....
Amberwaves: The puppy you have as your avatar is adorable!!!! I just want to kiss him!!!

 

[AmberWaves]

Bravesfan, you''re right. We totally have really crappy situations, but each one is horrible in it''s own way!! Sometimes I think it''s my impatience that is dragging the proposal out. I guess I couldn''t blame him, but I could hit him for it! Thanks, also. That''s my mini-dachshund Woofie. He was about a month and a half in that picture. And a pound! I just love him. That means we''re totally staying together, we have a dog together... right?

 

[ame]

Well that is just MEAN!

I can only think that he has a BIG elaborate proposal in the works...but jeez...hanging on to it for this long is so cruel! You might wanna go home, put nothing on but a robe, drop it and say "dammit where''s the ring!!!"

 

[bravesfan]

ame!!! That is soooooooo funny!!! I just might have to do that!!!!!!!!!!!1