advice

[anxiousbee]

Hi all,
I''ve been with my SO for almost 2 years. I am almost 32 and he is 39. I have been ready for my engagement for almost 2 years! I''ve been patient and have not nagged that much. My birthday, holidays and our 2 year is approaching. I do not think he has bought a ring, although he plans to marry me....
I would like him to go with me to see the rings I have selected. I went today and found my top 4 choices at a local reputable jewelry store. The lady there wrote them down for me and will keep them on file.
SO likes to do things on his terms, not because anyone else suggets it. I don''t know if I should tell him I went to look at rings today, or if that''s weird. How can I approach the topic to get him moving his butt on this ring purchase????

 

[LaraOnline]

Hmm, hard to know. Maybe he will be a little cranky... but then a fortnight later, suddenly be more amenable to looking at rings.

You are probably doing him a favour of bringing it to his attention in a friendly and light way.

After all, how many men say - after the fact - that they had ''no idea'' their woman was hankering intensely (for many years sometimes) for a ring, or a baby, or a house of their own etc etc....I guess that''s what the LIW board is all about!

Men can be very good at ignoring the nose on their face when it suits them - it''s a survival technique, allowing them to have their cake and eat it too!

 

[bee*]

I''d firstly sit down and have a proper chat with him about your relationship. When do you guys expect to get engaged, married etc. I know you say that he wants to marry you but is that now or in a few years. Until you know how he''s feeling about things, I wouldn''t show him the rings you''ve picked. If he likes to do things on his own time, then maybe show him designs of rings that you like and then let him do his own thing with the proposal. Just make sure you guys are on the same page first.

 

[Inanna]

Date: 9/30/2008 12:56:24 AM
Author:anxiousbee
Hi all,

I''ve been with my SO for almost 2 years. I am almost 32 and he is 39. I have been ready for my engagement for almost 2 years! I''ve been patient and have not nagged that much. My birthday, holidays and our 2 year is approaching. I do not think he has bought a ring, although he plans to marry me....

I would like him to go with me to see the rings I have selected. I went today and found my top 4 choices at a local reputable jewelry store. The lady there wrote them down for me and will keep them on file.

SO likes to do things on his terms, not because anyone else suggets it. I don''t know if I should tell him I went to look at rings today, or if that''s weird. How can I approach the topic to get him moving his butt on this ring purchase????

This is a tough one. I know that if I had gone to look at rings without discussing it with my FF, he would have been really hurt, and perhaps even angry because he might feel I had taken the romantic gesture away from him. IMO, it''s also so much more delightful when he actually makes the ring shopping suggestion himself (coincidentally, for me, it happened around our 2 year point).

From your post I find myself wondering if you consider these 2 years as "time-served" or the healthy progression of a positive relationship. If it reassures you, please keep in mind that 2 years into a relationship is often milestone when men are comfortable taking it to another level - it may be time for a rational discussion about your future (but no nagging or guilt-tripping - that''s never productive, and that may even push him away from you). Be natural and let him do the same. Relax. I understand that you''re ready, really I do. However, from your post, I''m reading a lot of anticipation just to get engaged NOW and ''Ring, ring... I want a ring!!!'' I''m really sorry if that sounds harsh, it just seems from your post that your focus is on an immediate ring purchase and "your engagement", and not on whether you honestly feel your SO and you are in love and ready to spend the rest of your lives together.

So, I guess my suggestion is to communicate with your man, but not just dive into the topic of engagement rings. Discuss your future and your commitment to each other. Discuss what you love about each other and your individual goals. If all goes really well, perhaps let him have some input on ring choices when that time comes. I know this isn''t the case for all men, but A LOT of men actually enjoy being involved in the ring selection and/or design process.

Good luck and HAVE FUN!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 9/30/2008 12:56:24 AM
Author:anxiousbee
Hi all,

I''ve been with my SO for almost 2 years. I am almost 32 and he is 39. I have been ready for my engagement for almost 2 years! I''ve been patient and have not nagged that much. My birthday, holidays and our 2 year is approaching. I do not think he has bought a ring, although he plans to marry me....

I would like him to go with me to see the rings I have selected. I went today and found my top 4 choices at a local reputable jewelry store. The lady there wrote them down for me and will keep them on file.

SO likes to do things on his terms, not because anyone else suggets it. I don''t know if I should tell him I went to look at rings today, or if that''s weird. How can I approach the topic to get him moving his butt on this ring purchase????

That may work fine for household chores or how he does the shopping, but the whole engagement process (in my opinion) should be more of a team effort. I would suggest doing as the fabulous bee* says and have a serious discussion about the realities of getting engaged--not just ''yes, eventually'' but within how much time, possibly discussing financial implications as well (if the two of you want to be at a certain point financially before getting engaged, when you would like to buy a house, if you plan to contribute to your ring, what his budget may be if he''s thought that far ahead, etc.). Then let him know that you want to have some input on the engagement ring and ask to go shopping together at some point in the future. Even if he has some ideas of his own already, he (again, in my opinion) be open and willing to hear your thoughts on the matter (especially if you decide to pay for some of it).

Just be honest. Get all the important stuff out on the table, and then ask for what you want. Going to the store with you to look at rings isn''t anything wild or crazy, unless you''ve got your eye on hugely expensive rocks and he''s got a small budget, or vice versa! That''s why getting the financial stuff out in the open is important before you ask him to go with you to look--what he may have in mind and what you may have in mind could be miles away from each other.

Best wishes, and post pics for us so we can see what rings are your favourites too!

 

[dcgator]

Hi there,

I understand the whole "on his own time thing," as my FF is the same way. He doesn''t want you to steal his thunder as this engagement is his thing to ask you. My FF is exaclty the same way. That being said, he has wanted me to have a big hand in picking the setting and the diamond, as I am going to be the one wearing it, lol. In fact, I think I pushed him a bit earlier than he was ready for, and it did not end as well. After that we had a nice talk and a few weeks later, we were both happily searching for rings.

As far as what to do now, I agree with some of the other ladies in that you should have a frank talk about when the engagement is planned in his mind, and make sure you are both on the same page. When he is ready, I think you can both enjoy going to see rings together, without stealing his show.

However, if you are both not on the same page about the engagement thing, I think you just telling him you went to look at rings is probably not a good idea and may have a very negative result. You can drag the horse to water, but you can''t make him drink, you know? Pushing him in one way when he is not ready will undoubtedly push him in the wrong direction.

 

[Sha]

Date: 9/30/2008 7:27:59 AM
Author: bee*
I''d firstly sit down and have a proper chat with him about your relationship. When do you guys expect to get engaged, married etc. I know you say that he wants to marry you but is that now or in a few years. Until you know how he''s feeling about things, I wouldn''t show him the rings you''ve picked. If he likes to do things on his own time, then maybe show him designs of rings that you like and then let him do his own thing with the proposal. Just make sure you guys are on the same page first.

Ditto! Have y''all discussed timelines for possibly getting engaged/married already?

 

[vita*dolce]

i''m not sure i''d mention that you picked out engagement rings, he might feel like you''re rushing him, especially if he''s the type of guy who likes to do things on his own time. i think you should ask him what kind of timeline you''re looking at and go from there. good luck!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

If this were me, I would simply come right out and ask him. You guys have been dating for 2 years, you are in your thirties, you have talked about marriage in the past--asking him to go ring shopping with you can''t be a big surprise to him. If he hems and haws, then you know it''s time to have a "where in the heck is this headed?" conversation. Hopefully, however, he''ll just say "sure" and you guys will have a great time.

I probably wouldn''t break out the business card with the exact setting #s written on them--I''d just suggest that jeweller and then try on the rings you like and point out your favorites to him. You''ll be able to tell how interested he is in buying a ring when you''re with him at the jewelery store.

 

[LaraOnline]

This is very personal, isn''t it/
I think my man would hate the whole heavy ''Are we getting married talk'', straight up anyway. Ican''t recall actually having one (luckily for him - and me - he was veery quick off the mark!!)

Personally, it would work better if I said "I went looking at rings today" with a big fat smile on my face...
He''d probably respond, playfully, ''oh, really...''
...and maybe that would be all - until he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, that is!!