all or none?!

[sera]

As if I''m not stressing out enough over wedding decisions... we have NOTHING decided other than he wants a Mexico cruise and we will have a simple wedding. Now, a coworker says invites were a HUGE issue at the last wedding at work (prior to my transferring there). The issue was that you invite EVERYONE or none of them. WHAT?! Is that proper etiquette? Helloooo I work at an elementary school... how many more people would that be to invite?! And some of those teachers don''t even know my name! I mean, I''m assuming if they didn''t know me they wouldn''t go... but those who know who I am but don''t know me would go?! We don''t have the money to invite everyone.

I may be annoyed by this for no reason as I''m not even sure if we will marry while on the cruise and have the reception here, marry at the port of departure and the reception on the ship, marry on the beach here and have a reception here, and then should I have one reception for everyone or a small one for friends and family and then a more casual one for church and coworkers, etc?

Money is a concern. If I could have exactly what I wanted, I would have a beach ceremony and one reception here in L.A.

I''m giving myself a headache!

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m a teacher and I''m not inviting everyone I work with. My school is small but I still don''t feel inclined to invite all of my coworkers. I think it''s natural for people to feel closer to some and not others, and I don''t think you should be made to feel guily about that.

One of my friends got married in another country a few years ago. My friend and her husband threw a casual BBQ at a beach later that summer, once they got home from their honeymoon and had a chance to settle in a bit. Coworkers were invited to this beach party but I don''t think they were invited to the actual wedding.

I''d suggest first figuring out what type of wedding you''re going to have and then worrying about who will be invited. As you said, you may be annoyed by all this for no reason. Once you decide what type of wedding you want, other things may fall into place (or make more sense).

 

[CJ2008]

sera

I must warn you, I''ve had several glasses of wine.

But you know what, forget what the rules are, what they''re telling you that you need to do. And you know what? If that''s the rule, then don''t invite anyone and wash your hands of this issue.

I''m tired of people thinking you need to put them first before yourself and your feelings and your $ and your needs.

It''s as easy as that. Oh, that''s the rule? Great. I won''t invite anyone.

Done!

 

[sera]

I guess I''m just stressing because I''m trying to figure out how many we will invite so that I know what options are open to us. There is one venue I absolutely LOVE... but not sure if it''s financially possible even with a limited guest list. Then when the "all or none" thing was said, I freaked. And I know you''re both right... and I know it''s right... do what we want without feeling inclined to follow their rules on our day.

Another option is to rent a beach house for a casual beach party type of reception... or even without the house, just to do BBQ thing... but then the idea of finding tents and all those separate vendors. UGH.

 

[CJ2008]

sera,

I know it''s not easy...

but really, do what you and your FI really really want to do...

would it be worth putting your needs last so you can make a bunch of people at your school happy? I don''t think so...

 

[Gypsy]

Personally my rule would be that I would only invite those I had an outside of work relationship with, and actually considered a friend not just a coworker and actually WANTED at my wedding. Forget the rest. I''m with Claudinam!

I''m NOT inviting my boss for example. For all that I DO see that woman out of work on occassion (wouldn''t if I didn''t have to, believe me) as I can''t stand her (you know why) despite the fact that the last two weddings at work had the bosses invited to the wedding. The only person at work that I REALLY am friends with at work told me flat out NOT to invite her, as it would put me in a worse position with my boss. This way I can just have a NO work friends rule. I appreciated that very much.

If it creates too much friction, don''t invite any of them. Those who don''t understand aren''t your true friends, so you wouldn''t want them there anyway, and your true friends WILL understand.

 

[bee*]

I agree with Gypsy. I''m only inviting the people that I would socialise with outside of work. The vets that I work for have three clinics and I''ve worked in all three so know all the staff. I could not afford, nor do I want, to have all of them there. Plus our weddings on a thursday so the majority of them can''t go anyway. I might leave an invite to invite anyone that wants to go to the afters, but again as our venue is over an hour and a half away, I''m sure that not many will go. That all or nothing thing is ridiculous.

 

[Independent Gal]

Sera, I think the ''rule'' you were told is hilarious. Why hilarious? Because this is verbatim what elementary school teachers tell their 7 year olds about valentines cards so that no little 7 year old''s feelings are hurt. 7 year olds don''t have the developed sense of self and self worth that allows for them to manage complex social connections.

So it sounds like this woman is telling you that your colleagues have the emotional maturity and sophistication of their 7 year old students, and are unable to distinguish friendship from acquaintance, or to muster self worth without everyone - like and unlike - being treated the same.

I don''t mean to minimize your difficulties, because if your colleagues really ARE that childish, it could really be a problem. But that IS the most ridiculous rule I have ever heard.

 

[ladyciel]

I was thinking along the same lines as Indy - remembering the dumb rules about birthday parties. We weren''t allowed to talk about them, or give invitations to our friends, at school..UNLESS we invited the ENTIRE class. I''m sure all the parents LOVED it - suddenly required to entertain 20-30 kids, 10-20 of which their child never spoke or cared about, and having to purchase 2-3 times as many birthday gifts by the end of the school year.

You co-workers might work with kids all day, but that doesn''t mean they deserve the same coddling. Invite those, and only those, you want to be there.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/6/2008 8:33:09 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Sera, I think the ''rule'' you were told is hilarious. Why hilarious? Because this is verbatim what elementary school teachers tell their 7 year olds about valentines cards so that no little 7 year old''s feelings are hurt. 7 year olds don''t have the developed sense of self and self worth that allows for them to manage complex social connections.


So it sounds like this woman is telling you that your colleagues have the emotional maturity and sophistication of their 7 year old students, and are unable to distinguish friendship from acquaintance, or to muster self worth without everyone - like and unlike - being treated the same.


I don''t mean to minimize your difficulties, because if your colleagues really ARE that childish, it could really be a problem. But that IS the most ridiculous rule I have ever heard.

LOL. This is completely true and exactly what I was thinking.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/6/2008 12:34:29 AM
Author: claudinam
sera


I must warn you, I''ve had several glasses of wine.


But you know what, forget what the rules are, what they''re telling you that you need to do. And you know what? If that''s the rule, then don''t invite anyone and wash your hands of this issue.


I''m tired of people thinking you need to put them first before yourself and your feelings and your $ and your needs.


It''s as easy as that. Oh, that''s the rule? Great. I won''t invite anyone.


Done!

I so agree. Our guest-list has been a disaster lately, and we have so many people we can''t "cut."

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 4/6/2008 8:33:09 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Sera, I think the ''rule'' you were told is hilarious. Why hilarious? Because this is verbatim what elementary school teachers tell their 7 year olds about valentines cards so that no little 7 year old''s feelings are hurt. 7 year olds don''t have the developed sense of self and self worth that allows for them to manage complex social connections.


So it sounds like this woman is telling you that your colleagues have the emotional maturity and sophistication of their 7 year old students, and are unable to distinguish friendship from acquaintance, or to muster self worth without everyone - like and unlike - being treated the same.


I don''t mean to minimize your difficulties, because if your colleagues really ARE that childish, it could really be a problem. But that IS the most ridiculous rule I have ever heard.

Hahaha! I thought exactly the same thing! Invite who you want-since your wedding has nothing to do with your work, I don''t see how they can impose ridiculous "rules" on you. SO absurd.

 

[sera]

Date: 4/6/2008 8:33:09 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Sera, I think the ''rule'' you were told is hilarious. Why hilarious? Because this is verbatim what elementary school teachers tell their 7 year olds about valentines cards so that no little 7 year old''s feelings are hurt. 7 year olds don''t have the developed sense of self and self worth that allows for them to manage complex social connections.

So it sounds like this woman is telling you that your colleagues have the emotional maturity and sophistication of their 7 year old students, and are unable to distinguish friendship from acquaintance, or to muster self worth without everyone - like and unlike - being treated the same.

I don''t mean to minimize your difficulties, because if your colleagues really ARE that childish, it could really be a problem. But that IS the most ridiculous rule I have ever heard.

It''s not minimizing them at all. It IS ridiculous and I was absolutely astonished some would expect me to invite them. I had never heard such a thing before, so the thought never even entered my mind about inviting all of them!

I''m not going to worry about it.

Thanks all... glad to see you agree and that I wasn''t oblivious to some stupid etiquette rule!

 

[Haven]

I agree with the general consensus here--only invite those coworkers with whom you have a real friendship. Period.

I teach in a high school and there are 22 teachers in my department alone, and about 160 teachers in the entire school. I''m only inviting four colleagues and their significant others, that''s it. I don''t have friendships with any other colleagues, so why would I invite them?

And there''s no etiquette rule that states you must invite all or none. Your colleague sounds like an emotionally stunted adult, and I''m sorry to hear that you have to work with this person.

 

[sera]

Date: 4/6/2008 2:45:18 AM
Author: Gypsy
Personally my rule would be that I would only invite those I had an outside of work relationship with, and actually considered a friend not just a coworker and actually WANTED at my wedding. Forget the rest. I''m with Claudinam!

I''m NOT inviting my boss for example. For all that I DO see that woman out of work on occassion (wouldn''t if I didn''t have to, believe me) as I can''t stand her (you know why) despite the fact that the last two weddings at work had the bosses invited to the wedding. The only person at work that I REALLY am friends with at work told me flat out NOT to invite her, as it would put me in a worse position with my boss. This way I can just have a NO work friends rule. I appreciated that very much.

If it creates too much friction, don''t invite any of them. Those who don''t understand aren''t your true friends, so you wouldn''t want them there anyway, and your true friends WILL understand.

If she really feels miffed about not getting an invite, you can give her an invitation to get a full body wax a la The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

I''m sure many PSers would be glad to pitch in for the cost on that!