Am I a jerk?

[Izzy03]

A few weeks ago my BF was asking me what I thought of marquise (did I spell that right?)cut stones, and I told him that while I loved the cut, they are just not my style.

Later I found out that his mother had given him his grandmother''s ring with three marquise cut diamonds (about 2.5 carats tw) on a yellow gold band (really, really not my style) to propose to me with until he can afford the ring I really want. He didn''t seem to happy with giving me a ring that wasn''t exactly what I wanted. I told him that I was very flattered but I loved the promise ring he gave me and said it was more than enough until we can get something else (I also threw in all that cheesy "I will be happy with a plain band" stuff)

Today he kinda snapped at me saying that he didn''t think I was materialistic and should have been happier about the offer. The ring doesn''t have deep family value, his grandmother and grandfather divorced forever ago because he cheated on her all the time. I also don''t really want a used engagement! I want to wear ONE setting, that is MY OWN for the REST of my life (with maybe a stone upgrade)

Now am I a jerk for not jumping for joy over the used ring?

 

[gwendolyn]

I hate it when family dynamics get entangled in proposal plans. The proposal is about you and your boyfriend, no one else. If you''re happy with the promise ring and will get your own ring eventually, what''s the point of using the 3-stone marquise? Is your boyfriend just looking to score some points in the family by using that ring? If he only wants to give you the ring you really want, what purpose does the marquise serve? I don''t get it.

 

[justageek]

I agree with gwendolyn (you look adorable in your new pic btw)

 

[Quinnie]

"I hate it when family dynamics get entangled in proposal plans. The proposal is about you and your boyfriend, no one else."

I def. agree w/ Gwen. This might sound cynical but sometimes well-meaning gestures from families just end up hanging over peoples'' heads and causing drama. Also, it sounds to me like you handled the offer graciously and honestly, not in a "materialistic" way. Your BF probably just caught a little pressure from his family and deflected some of his frustration on you.

At least that is what happens to me a lot.

-Quinnie

 

[jewelerman]

Izzy,
I hear about this type of dilemma ofter in my line of work...to wear heirloom ring or not to wear heirloom ring?I think that it can be a win/win for both sides...marquises are coming back in style and i have several young women asking for this shape again...in a white gold solitaire.I would ask your fiance if you could have the center stone set in a simple inexpensive solitaire to wear until you can afford YOUR ring...a colored birthstone or c/z could be put in the old ring to be handed down to a future daughter.After you find your ring then the marquise could be a right hand ring.Keep in mind that your taste and fashion will change many times and it would be nice to have a nice size fancy shape in your jewelry box to be made into a pendant,bracelet or ring in the future.His family should understand that its the center stone that would go intro your ring and that its okay to allow you to change the setting to your taste.

 

[MoonWater]

No, you are not a jerk. But I do think your bf is a jerk for calling you materialistic and saying you should have been happy with an offer simply because it was offered. I''m sure once he has time to think about it, he''ll realize how absurd he sounds.

 

[Izzy03]

Now that I have cooled down a little I think his comment was coming from the frustration of wanted to get me my dream ring and not being able to. Oh well......

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/11/2007 10:42:44 PM
Author: Izzy03
Now that I have cooled down a little I think his comment was coming from the frustration of wanted to get me my dream ring and not being able to. Oh well......

That doesn''t make sense tho. Becuz if you don''t like the ring he''s offering and you clearly stated you are happy with what you have, what is the problem? Keep what you have, be engaged, and when you can afford the dream ring, buy it.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Nope, Izzy. I don''t think that you are a jerk at all! I would actually suggest that you are more compromising than some other ladies would be. What else could your bf ask for?

Good on you for being honest, first off b/c if you weren''t you would have misled your bf and he would have given you something both you and he, ultimately, would be disappointed with ... Secondly, you did not insist on getting a brand spanking new engagement ring right away. You expressed to him that you are satisfied and thrilled with what HE has already given you. This should mean a lot.

I do not, at all, think that it is unreasonable that you would not want to take a ring/stone that you do not love and especially one that does not come from a good place, so to speak. I''m sure, as far as you are concerned, it just doesn''t feel right and since this would be your engagement ring, why settle, for something less than what you truly desire.

I''m sure everything will work out fine. It''s probably just an uncomfy situation for everyone b/c maybe your bf doesn''t want his mom to say anything about you not wanting it or some such other complicated family type drama. As is always the case, it will pass. In this case, your bf can truly ''save the drama for his mama'' and you too can move on to selecting an engagement ring that works for you.

Good luck and I hope you feel better or at least not like a jerk soon!

 

[meresal]

Agree with them ALL....
1. Even if you fibbed, and said that you loved it, this exact delimma would come up again down the road, when you decided that you wanted to upgrade. It's a family thing, and they will always ask why it isn't good enough.
2. There is a good chance that he is getting crap from his family about not using the ring. It's hard for guys to stand up to their families, especially Mom's, so it's earier to project it onto you. Though, he might totally agree with you... he could just be frustrated.
3. I don't think that any rings that ended in divorce should be offered to a couple trying to start their lives... especially the story that you have told. I'm sure there are some exceptions to this(very FEW!!!), but that is my opinion.

What if he has the stone put into a pendant as your wedding gift, maybe... just not something you wear everyday, but the family will still know that it stayed in the family?? That way it's not the wedding ring, but you still have the history to tell. It's late and I don't have many great idea at this point... I'll sleep on it, and let you know what I've come up with in the morning.

All in all... You are not a jerk, ths just sounds like a difficult situation to be in.

 

[MrYoung]

Izzy,

Being sadistic, you may want to:

check the "The good, the bad and the UGLY" section of this forum. Pick out a nice picture of a ring for your boyfriend and say "I ordered this for you, so you can wear FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" He''ll understand, alright.

Next, you say "But it is soooo nice of you to offer my these marquise until NEXT SPRING when you can afford to give me a ring that I will truely enjoy and cherish forever; a symbol of our love (Batter your eyes here).

Come spring, you have and engagement ring and a new pair of diamond marquise earrings.

Good Luck.

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/11/2007 10:36:32 PM
Author: MoonWater
No, you are not a jerk. But I do think your bf is a jerk for calling you materialistic and saying you should have been happy with an offer simply because it was offered. I''m sure once he has time to think about it, he''ll realize how absurd he sounds.

Yeah I agree. Especially if you''re happy with the ring that you have at the moment.

Ps I love the avatar Gwendolyn!

 

[surfgirl]

You''re not a jerk! I think if you were pushing for an expensive ring that he couldn''t afford, that would be another story entirely, but you''re not. And you''ve said you are happy with the current ring you have until he can afford a real ering. OTOH, I can understand his wanting to be engaged with another ring - maybe to him it''s more "real" that way, since you''ve been wearing the promise ring for awhile?

Also, I wouldn''t want an ering from a known relative who had an unsuccessful and probably unhappy marriage! Can you talk to him and take that angle? That you would like rings that have no prior "negative history" associated with them? If you think he''d listen that argument, perhaps that would calm him down? It sounds like he needs a "reason" right now and that''s as good a reason as any, IMO...I mean, my ering is an antique and while I''d love to know it''s history, I''m okay with the ring because I DONT know the history so if it came from a bad marriage, I wouldnt want to know...I can totally relate to that sentiment!

If he does indeed want you to have a different ring for the time being (as opposed to wearing the promise ring), perhaps you can select a small, affordable stone, in a simple solitaire setting, with an eye towards him upgrading it when he saves enough money? To me, that would be the best of all cases because it might make him feel more engaged because he''s given you a different ring to wear, and you can trade up when he''s able to, and get what you really want...Alternatively, you could just get a simple band, like the Paloma Picasso band with one diamond at Tiff''s, and use that as a temp ering, and eventually as a wband?

 

[Pandora II]

Why do families do this????

I would have been pretty devastated if I had been offered a family ring or stone as my e-ring.

I don''t wear much jewellery and my e-ring is for life. For years and years I had dreamed about designing my own ring. I''m also very black and white in my likes and dislikes. All of that fun and excitement would have been taken away.

Not to say that I wouldn''t love a family stone as a pendant for my wedding day - but not for my e-ring.

It''s not being materialistic at all. I wouldn''t swap my tsavorite for a 2ct diamond ever.

It''s actually being the completely the opposite, you are much more focussed on the sentiment and the symbolism of YOUR engagement, not just jumping at the thought of getting some diamonds quicker.


I also have to say that marquise are not my cup of tea at all.

 

[mirre]

I like the one poster''s idea of using the diamonds from the ring as earrings. Maybe you could explain that you appreciate the gesture from his grandmother. But since you thought he and you had agreed to wait to get YOUR ering that you would rather wait. Not for materialistic reasons but for SENTIMENTAL reasons. Then see how he likes the idea of turning the ring into a matching earring and necklace pendant set. And ask HIM to ask his mother and grandmother''s thoughts on it. He could present it to you for a wedding present or give it to you to wear now. Given that the ring comes from a divorce that was result of a cheating spouse, they may not be as attatched to it and like the idea of it being turned into something "NEW" and making it your own. You could keep the setting and maybe have sapphires set in it for a daughter as jewelerman suggested. Another idea would be if your FF has two siblings you could have his and their birthstones set in the grandmother''s setting for a mother''s ring for FF''s mother. Then the whole ring is still in the family. My dad and I got my mother a gold mother''s ring with his, mine and her birthstones in it... mine''s in the middle, they are marquise shape... VERY PRETTY. (We put his, mine and my mom''s because I am the only child and to get her a mother''s ring with just the child''s stone would have been to get a December birthstone ring haha) She loved it. So there may be a chance because of the sentimental value the ering has FF''s mother would love it also.

Good Luck!

 

[sandia_rose]

No, you''re not a jerk at all! I''m wondering why there''s a fuss over this family ring - especially, as someone else posted, it was from an unhappy marriage. And I didn''t think you were being materialistic, either, since you''d said that your promise ring was perfectly fine for you.

I''m wondering if maybe your boyfriend''s family planted the idea in his head, and his snapping at you was a reaction to the stuff his family may have fed him? I''m just speculating, but maybe the fact that he can''t afford the ring you really want right now bothers them more than it bothers you two. Almost like they''d be embarassed if you two announced your engagement and there was something other than a big flashy blingy ring to show for it. There are a lot of people out there who put the wrong emphasis on a ring (ie - The larger the ring, the more he loves you / the stronger your commitment is), so if this is how they think, then the scenario you described makes sense.

Take it from someone who was married once before - family dynamics are something you have to pay attention to. My ex''s family was extremely controlling, and I didn''t fully see how controlling until we were married and I had much more contact with them. His mother is literally the family matriarch/queen - what Mama said, went. She attempted to tell me what kind of wedding to have, what kind of dress to buy, what to name my child, what town to live in and what kind of house to buy. I honestly think my ex is afraid of her, because he wouldn''t stand up to her, but as I told her at the time (and this made me very popular, as you can imagine), "I am an adult woman who is self-supporting and who has run her own life since she was 18. I do not take orders from anyone concerning my life and how I live it and am not about to start now." She still bullied my ex, but she gave up on me because I put my foot down. I''m not saying to come across a tough you-know-what. All I am saying is, decisions about your life and relationship are to be made by only two people - you and your boyfriend. If you allow either your or his family to have a say in major decisions (like your ring), they will continue to meddle. Not a good way to start off a life together. Again, I was there - been there and done that - and don''t want to see any couple repeat my experience.

You can do a couple of things here:

1) If you have a good relationship with his mother, you can politely thank her for the offer of the ring, but then tell her that you really prefer the promise ring he gave you and that it has important sentimental value to you. If she pushes, you can tell her that it''s like wearing someone else''s shoes or using someone else''s toothbrush - a ring is a very personal item and you''d feel uncomfortable wearing it. No one can fault you for feeling uncomfortable (and if they do, then they are being a jerk).

2) If you can''t do the above and the family is really pushing that you use the ring, ask if you could have it reset into earrings and a pendant to wear on your wedding day. You can explain it like, "I really love my promise ring and would prefer to keep that -- but, could I have the ring reset into earrings and a pendant, and I can use it as my Something Borrowed or Something New at our wedding?" If they are suggesting the use of the ring for some sentimental/family reason that you are not aware of, this request might fly.

3) If your boyfriend is secretly concerned that he can''t afford the ring you want now and it''s really bugging him, offer the alternative of using something other than diamonds. For example, you can design the setting you want, and just put another type of stone in there. White sapphires, pale yellow or lemon topaz, aquamarine and several other stones are just as stunning and impressive to look at as diamonds but cost much less. I''ve seen white sapphires cut in cushion, princess, pear, emerald and Asscher, and they''re gorgeous. Later, when you can afford to, you can gradually swap the stones out with diamonds. Or, you can choose not to and keep the stones...and use the money you would have spent on a diamond on a house, on your wedding/honeymoon, etc. There''s no rule that engagement rings have to be diamonds - they can be anything you like and don''t even need to have stones. My little brother bought an emerald for his fiancee because she''s not a diamond kind of girl - she wanted something with deep color that was unusual. They had it set in platinum - I saw pics and it is incredible.

I''m not against wearing a family ring that had a positive past. My grandmother wore a very dainty 1/4c Old Mine Cut diamond in a deco-ish rose gold setting, and I would love to wear it.....but I can''t wear gold unless it''s rhodium-plated. So, my other brother''s wife got that. My wedding band from when I married my ex was purchased from a jeweler''s estate-jewelery showcase. It was a WW1-era platinum band that was buttercups with diamond chip centers around the circumfrence. I liked wearing it and wondering what history it had, what the person who wore it saw and lived through, etc. I''ve already told my boyfriend that if he proposed to me, I''d love an antique ring. It''s cool to have a ring that no one else has!

Hope this helps!

Bridget in Connecticut.