Am I a LIW or not?

[rebecca_79]

So, here's my story...

We have been "talking" about getting married since about last summer/ early fall, like where we say, "oh, when we're married this..." and he started doing this thing when he's half asleep in bed saying "I'm gonna marry you". We started a joint savings account in September, because we both know that we are going to have to throw our own wedding. We really started talking about rings and getting engaged officially this past January. I think the big thing for him was one of his friends who has a long distance relationship for less time than we've been together got engaged over Christmas. Our relationship has been one of those where we "knew" almost right away. We have been together almost 3 years, we moved in with each other after a year. Neither of us has ever lived with a SO before. So I was never really worried that it was going to happen, being 31 (he is too), I feel as if I'm on a schedule, if you know what I mean...

So, about the ring...he has basically given me total control to pick it out. I am not fussy, nor fancy, all I want is a well cut 1 carat-ish solitaire, Tiffany style. We are paying for the ring out of our "wedding"fund, since we have been sharing all costs of our relationship since we moved in together, as a matter of fact, we are really good at sharing chores, pretty much everything. The weird thing is, he is not at all into the ring shopping! We have looked at stores, we live in Philadelphia, so there's a great jeweler's row, but after the experience this weekend, I knew I was going to get a better deal online (which after lurking on here, I pretty much knew ahead of time anyway). He wants me to pick it out, so that if I'm "not happy with it, he didn't do it". I'm not picky, I just like to get the best deals I can and know what I am buying, with clothes, furniture, electronics, everything, so same for the ring. I feel like I am taking total control over this and I don't want to. He doesn't even want to look online with me, but when I pick out stones, there is always something "wrong" with them, even though he doesn't even really know what the 4 C's are. I don't feel so bad about this because we are buying it together, but I wish that this was more of a joint effort. At this point I have 3 stones on hold at James Allen, and I am waiting for the gemologists report to decide, then we will have it set. So today, he tells me about someone at his work who went to Jared and got ring within our budget, but a bigger stone. I proceeded to tell him that it can't possibly be the quality I am interested in, and that the reason I want a nice smaller stone is so we won't have to upgrade. Then he seems all upset and alludes to me being materialistic. I know we aren't rich and are on a budget, which I am well within on JA. Arghh! He is frustrating me! He isn't playing any active part in this process, yet suggests things in the last minute? I don't know if it's that he wants to save money and just doesn't trust my choices, but uf that's the case, then help me pick it! I just want to get it over with and buy one of the stones I have on hold, and the setting I picked. I can't believe I feel like this when I am almost engaged, or am I? He says that when the ring comes, he is giving it to me right away, because he doesn't want to miss out on the return policy when I don't like it, plus, it's not like he bought it anyway. This is taking a lot of the fun out of this for me, I'm going to be 32 and all I want is a "real" surprise, like we know when it comes, and he does something cute within the 30 day window is this too much to ask? I sure hope he is playing me....because my b-day is in 2 months...I don't want to find it it in the mail and that's how I get my ring.

I sort of feel like I am engaged already, we've told my parents and his mom, so we are just waiting for the ring. Is it fair for me to still want a proposal? Because I so do!

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent!

 

[briolette]

or am I? He says that when the ring comes, he is giving it to me right away, because he doesn't want to miss out on the return policy when I don't like it, plus, it's not like he bought it anyway.

As unromantic as it is, it is pragmatic!
I mean really he could think of something romantic that doesn't involve the ring, ya know? A surprise dinner. perhaps matching earrings at a later date? You never know. He might surprise you alter.

Some guys really do not care about jewelry or the jewelry selection process. He may be one of those. It's just easier if he lets you pick the ring out. Have you told him that you'd like him to share in the process, that it would make you feel more respected and important if he did so?

His story about Jared may have been a lame attempt to get involved. Maybe propose that that the two of you could go look at it together and you turn this into an outing, teach him what you know about the 4 c's etc....I dunno, just throwing ideas out there. A reaction like "You're wrong, how could it possibly be better than what I have..." is not exactly something he wants to hear even if you are right. It'll only keep him from wanting to play an active role in this process.

 

[iheartscience]

He's behaving ridiculously, but I can't tell what his issue is from your post. Have you tried talking to him about this?

If I were you I would say something like "You're giving me a lot of mixed signals about the ring. You asked me to choose it but you seem to find something wrong with all of the diamonds I find that I like. What's going on?"

And in the same conversation: "Even though I'm choosing/helping choose the ring, I still really want a romantic proposal from you."

 

[rebecca_79]

He is definitely not a jewelry guy. He will wear a wedding ring, but mostly because he knows it's important to me. If I didn't care, he most likely would not wear a ring, he says does not like the way it looks for a guy. So I can understand his apathy in the ring process.

I think you are right, the Jared thing is his attempt to get involved, and I think I am taking this control to my head, maybe because he is letting me? "His story about Jared may have been a lame attempt to get involved. Maybe propose that that the two of you could go look at it together and you turn this into an outing, teach him what you know about the 4 c's etc...." This what we did last weekend at jeweler's row, and I'm sure it won't hurt again to go to Jared'd if he wants to. It will probably be good for him to get more re-affirmation that I am making the right choice.

"He's behaving ridiculously, but I can't tell what his issue is from your post. Have you tried talking to him about this?" I do think there is a bigger issue behind this. His parents got divorced about 6 years ago, after 3 kids and 25+ years of marriage, and it was over money, his mom always wanting more and over spending, hiding purchases, and things like that for years and I suppose it just got to his dad. We have talked about their divorce alot, and he knows that I am not like his mom, but I think somehow us buying this big impractical purchase for ME is bringing up some stuff for him.

""Even though I'm choosing/helping choose the ring, I still really want a romantic proposal from you." this I have said, alot I think maybe he gets the picture and I should shut up about this!
I just feel so lucky to have this guy, we have been through a lot together, and it has just made us stronger. I have all the confidence in the world in us, and I know there's a reason I didn't meet the guy I am going to marry until I was 29, so maybe I am expecting a lot in a proposal because I want a good story to tell. We have a great story of how we met..........

 

[Winks_Elf]

My husband is SO not a jewelry person, and he's intimidated by what I do for a living, so when we got engaged I picked out the diamond. He had it set into a plain solitaire, and proposed a week after getting the diamond (I did not know when he picked it up, although we put a deposit on it together). After he proposed, I designed my engagement ring. I still got the romantic proposal, complete with champagne and roses, but I also had control over what stone it was.

Some guys are completely overwhelmed by the choices out there, and are afraid of screwing up. So they leave it to the woman. Quite frankly, I'd much prefer to pick out the stone, pick three settings, and let him choose and surprise me that way than for him to completely pick out an engagement ring that I'm not supposed to want to upgrade in the future. That's a whole 'nother topic...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I called myself a LIW until I had the ring on my hand. Yes DH and I had discussed our plans at length, even so far as to talk about dates and locations for the wedding prior to the engagement. But we weren't officially ENGAGED until he asked me and gave me my ring.

 

[rebecca_79]

He is definitely leaving it up to me so that he doesn't "screw" up. But I know it's because he wants me to have something that I will like, and that he won't have to ugrade

I have 3 diamonds on hold at james allen, and we just got the reports back, so it looks as if we will be ordering my tiffany-style solitaire any day now....I chose that because it was simple, and I wanted to use more of the budget for the stone, and upgrade the setting rather than the stone later if i feel like i want to.

this morning he says, when i tell him i got the email back from james allen, that i better stop talking about proposals or else i'm going to be disappointed! i know what that means, something's going to be happening...

i also feel like i'm not engaged yet, b/c i don't have the ring...but i am so ready to be!