am i being fair to my daughters? i told them i would support them...

[Dancing Fire]

through college(if they make it

) and pay their tuition,no... i''m not gonna kick them out of the house after graduation but,i expect them to find a job so they can support themself.

 

[valeria101]

Well... are they looking ?

With some 50% unemployment rate going strong when I graduated college, my parents certainly did not expect me to find a job. Hopefully this kind of argument doesn''t hold for you

 

[michela002]

My mom and dad helps to supports me while I''m at university (I also have a job) but they''ve made it very clear that once I graduate I''m cut off without a cent ... lol

Not in the mean way, but yeah, help your daughters through college but then they''re on their own!

I have a few friends whose parents can''t/don''t support them during university and they just can''t do it - don''t sleep, work too much, never have money, eat ramen noodles as their staple diet.

It is nice you are willing to do that for your daughters, but then they gotta be like thanks for the help and now I''m gonna do it on my own.

There''s nothing unfair about what you''re doing

 

[valeria101]

Date: 3/13/2005 8

:43 AM
Author: Feydakin

valeria, 50% unemployment rate?????? That had to be in just your field, right??

No... not quite. Stranger things have happened earlier on during the fabled "tranzition". I used to tell friends that it took five years to find a job in my country and one hour to find one in the UK.

 

[Momoftwo]

My 2 boys are currently in college. We pay room, board, and tuition and a car and insurance. They pay for books and spending money. I also send them an extra $30-$40/month because I can. We always said we would pay for our kids school since neither of our parents did and our grades suffered due to the hours we worked. The deal also is that they actively search for and have a job when they graduate as well as moving out even if it requires them to have roommates to make the payments. It''s part of growing up. The unnemployment rate currently is extremely low everywhere so there is no reason they can''t find a job, maybe not in their field, and maybe they have to move to another state, but a job to pay their bills. My oldest son who is a Junior is working on his resume right now. He already has a lead on a full time job after graduation. They both have full time summer gov''t jobs for this summer which can also be a way to find a full time job. I''m a federal employee and there are several programs for college students. There is nothing wrong with expecting your children to support themselves once they have a college degree. If they choose a field that is difficult to get a job in, then they need to figure out a way to support themselves til they find a job in their career field.

 

[Patty]

We did not set any hard and fast rules. We paid NOTHING for our first daughter to go to college or her first year of graduate school. She had full scholarships including living expenses. We did not give her any spending money...She worked part time for that. We did give her a car, though, and we paid the insurance on it too. BUT...when she was in graduate school she became ill and had to move home. We have now supported her totally for two years. She is slowly starting to take classes again and we are paying for those.

Our second daughter did NOT get any scholarships so we pay her tuition totally. (Neither girl has any loans.) We also pay for her car expenses and insurance. She is supposed to earn her own spending money but somehow the money she saves over the summer is often gone by October! She doesn''t understand that when she buys a designer purse in August "with her own money" that WE are the ones who end up paying the price.

This second daughter was accepted at the State University which she attends as well as a more expensive private school. She really wanted to go to the private school. We took her out to eat one night during her Senior year of high school. We told her that we would pay for the private school only if she earned ALL of her spending money and she kept her grades up. We said that meant that she would have to work full time over the summer and work over her Christmas and Spring breaks too. She thought for a moment and said, "I don''t want to work full time this summer! I won''t have enough time to see my friends!" We laughed and said, "Okay, that is fine. The state school will be great!"

It''s a fine line...We want our kids to understand what it costs to live and yet we also want to help them out too. It''s not always easy to get a job in your field without a graduate degree these days. And don''t get me started on insurance. It''s an absolute MUST and it scares me to death to see so many 20 somethings out there with no health insurance!

 

[Kaleigh]

Our daughter isn''t in college yet, she''s a junior in high school. She has a part time job working for a retail store on Saturdays and works full time during the summer. She is paying for her car insurance. We will pay for her tuition for college, and will see how things go work wise. I don''t think she would work during her freshman year in college, but then again I could be wrong. She will work full time in the summers, she loves her job. I guess what I am trying to say there are no hard rules with us, we will take the situation as it comes, but our daughter already has a strong work ethic which is nice.

 

[Bagpuss]

We have two kids in college. Both live at home. We pay tuition fees, bought each a car and pay for their insurance, and we give them both a small living allowance. They have both taken out small student loans to supplement their allowances.

Our son will be moving out this autumn to live on campus, so we will be paying for his living expenses for the next two years.

We haven't asked them to find work as yet, because neither of us had to study and work and I feel it could badly effect their grades. I think too much pressure is put on young students to 'do it all' - work, study and be totally independent. Neither of us had to do it all this way yet we both have a very strong work ethic which I'm sure that we've passed on to our kids. Of course, a lot depends on family financial circumstances - some don't have a choice, their kids have to work to help out.

It's only a personal perspective, but I think after graduation is soon enough for the hard world of work, though I know many people who totally disagree and have insisted their kids work as soon as they hit 16 years of age. I think that you just have to go with what you feel is right for your family and with what you can afford.

As far as what will happen once they finish college, we'll play it by ear. If they get jobs straight away then great - they can stay at home if they want or move out and be totally independent. If they don't get jobs in their field then I would expect them to do some sort of work. They can still live at home, but their personal finances should be on their own shoulders by this stage. I think that's fair without being too draconian!

 

[longtimelurker]

I fully intend to do what my parents did for me (and my siblings) -- They paid tuition, room & board (as defined as the standard meal plan & dorm room) and car insurance. Period. I paid for books & lab fees, clothes, gas, car repairs, and all entertainment/food costs via a summer job & then PT during school if I ran low on funds. They didn''t slip us anything extra, including b-days and holidays (We''d get a little picture at Xmas of a car & college). I think that was more than fair--they paid all the big & fixed cost & I paid all the lesser & controllable costs. What a great way to learn to manage your money & live on what *I* made.

My dad, for as long as I can remember, kept saying he''d pay for 4 years AND THAT''S IT. And they had control over which college they''d pay for (which was a private school for each of us), and there were limits on what major (i.e., it had to be something I could get a job with). They also made it quite clear that since they were funding, they had veto authority over my plans on where to live (apt vs dorm vs sorority), and what I did during all breaks. Oh, and there was a minimum GPA that we had to maintain.

My dad also (for as long as I can remember) said we couldn''t live at home after college (designed to motivate you to get a job and move on in life). I did live at home for about 5 weeks, before my job started, but maybe I was just visiting

In the end, all of us graduated in 4 years or less, had a reliable car, a positive net worth (no student loans or cc debt either!) and a job.

 

[movie zombie]

ltl, the goal of parenting is [or should be] to raise progeny that can exist on its own. your parents did a remarkable job! i really like the idea that if you pay you get to make the decisions, if i pay i make the decisions and set the ground rules. if you don''t like the ground rules, you''re free to change them and support those decisions with dollars.

i used to work with a woman whose son lived with she and her husband. son was over 30. supposedly he moved home to save money to buy a house. but he did nothing but complain about the house, she did the laundry and cooking, he argued with dad all the time, seemed to spend the money he was saving on going skiing and other trips. i still have periodic contact with this woman and i have yet to hear a report that he bought a house......

peace, movie zombie

 

[snow_happy]

DancingFire,

Yes I think it''s more than fair for you to pay tuition through college and then turn the responsibility over to them after graudation. Even for graduate school, depending on the field, there are tons of scholarships to be won. In fact, some professors who have served on scholarship committees have said that often everyone gets money because there are simply not enough applicants. I wish I had applied for scholarships for undergraduate but have found many generous funding agencies to support my graduate studies.

My parents also said that they would pay for my education but once I received a degree I had to find my own way in the real world. Low-income and all.

I have several friends whose parents said the same thing to them but then paid for them to mess around for a year or more after graduation. If your child is actively searching for a job though I think 6 months of support after graduation is reasonable. Other people I know had to take jobs that weren''t "ideal" to pay the bills and study for their "ideal" job in their spare time. This is more realistic, don''t you think?

I personally think that removing financial support after graduation is crucial and supporting them through the education is beneficial as well. I really appreciated the financial support my parents gave during my undergraduate studies, it allowed me to concentrate on school without having to worry about working 40 hrs/week to pay tuition. I know my parents will always be there to help me in case of an emergency but I don''t expect them to pay for day-to-day expenses.

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

My husband and I fully intend to financially support our children through college. Our parents supported us and we will support our children. I will be happy to do it.

If they wish to continue on to higher than a bachelors, they can pay for it themselves after that.

 

[pearcrazy]

My parents paid my entire way through college. I was grateful to graduate and not have any loans to pay. After college, my mom practically had my stuff boxed up and on the front porch when I returned from my graduation ceremony on Sunday. She told me in no uncertain terms that their financial obligation to me was completed and I was to start pounding the pavement in earnest first thing Monday morning. I had a job by that Wednesday and moved out the next weekend. I haven''t been given so much as a dime in support since. I did borrow some money from them to buy a car which I repaid at 9% interest. At the time, the finance rate for new cars was 13% so I was glad for the great rate.

 

[Ann]

Our 20 yr. old daughter is at UT Austin. We pay for everything. She was able to find a small pt job last summer and earned a little spending money, but overall we consider school her job. She is on the dean''s list every semester and is involved with a campus magazine, hoping to get experience in her field. She is moving into an apt. in Aug., which her share will be $850.00 per mo., just for rent! But she will be close to campus. Rents are horribly high around the campus. She is also looking for an internship, often unpaid, so that will leave little time for work. But she is hoping she can find some time to fit in a job. Our son will be entering college in Aug., so we will have 2 in school. And we will pay for him also. But he is not the student our daughter is and probably will work after his first year. They both have cars and we pay insurance. Yep, it is a lot and we are grateful we can do it.

 

[codex57]

My dad paid everything for me in college. Tuition, car, rent, food, everything (ok, so it was a state school and not that expensive, but still). I didn''t have to pay my own way until grad school. He helped a little with expenses, but I''d say 90% was paid for through loans or a part time job and what I earned in the summer.

Looking back, I wish he hadn''t paid for everything in college. Learning to juggle a part time job while handling school just made me more efficient. My dad wanted me to concentrate on school which is why he paid for everything in college. I honestly think that held me back b/c I didn''t learn to be independent and as efficient as I should have. It''s possible I may have gotten better grades in college had I had to work part time b/c not only would I have been more focused on life stuff, but in school as well cuz I gotta make sure my schoolwork is finished before my job.

I think a main reason why my dad is so hardworking and successful, is cuz he had to be starting at a young age. While he had every good intention in the world and I am eternally grateful for his support, I think I was spoiled too much.

I think paying their tuition while making them pay for living expenses is a good compromise for college. My parents paid for everything when they were in college. Had two jobs and all that stuff. Their grades could have been better as a result, but a part time job would have given them plenty of time to get the best grades they could.

 

[Jennifer5973]

I think your approach is very sound. Even if they live at home, they need to be working, even if it''s just a starting position or part-time work until they find positions in their chosen fields. What esle are they going to do? Sit home all day?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

This sounds like a great deal

My husband and I will help out our kids with tuition/books/possibly more depending upon how mature our kids are AND how much we can afford to contribute. My boys are only preschool age now, but we''re already investigating and *planning* to do private school, so we''re were expecting that we''ll be paying education costs for a ***long time!***

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/13/2005 12:22:51 PM
Author: Bagpuss

We have two kids in college. Both live at home. We pay tuition fees, bought each a car and pay for their insurance, and we give them both a small living allowance. They have both taken out small student loans to supplement their allowances.

Our son will be moving out this autumn to live on campus, so we will be paying for his living expenses for the next two years.

We haven''t asked them to find work as yet, because neither of us had to study and work and I feel it could badly effect their grades. I think too much pressure is put on young students to ''do it all'' - work, study and be totally independent. Neither of us had to do it all this way yet we both have a very strong work ethic which I''m sure that we''ve passed on to our kids. Of course, a lot depends on family financial circumstances - some don''t have a choice, their kids have to work to help out.

It''s only a personal perspective, but I think after graduation is soon enough for the hard world of work, though I know many people who totally disagree and have insisted their kids work as soon as they hit 16 years of age. I think that you just have to go with what you feel is right for your family and with what you can afford.

As far as what will happen once they finish college, we''ll play it by ear. If they get jobs straight away then great - they can stay at home if they want or move out and be totally independent. If they don''t get jobs in their field then I would expect them to do some sort of work. They can still live at home, but their personal finances should be on their own shoulders by this stage. I think that''s fair without being too draconian!

Bagpuss
i agree with you,study and work might effect their grades,even after graduation and they find a job i still prefer for them to stay at home so they can start saving money for down payment on a house.i look at it this way,for every dollar they save is every dollar i save

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/13/2005 5:25:59 AM
Author: valeria101
Well... are they looking ?

With some 50% unemployment rate going strong when I graduated college, my parents certainly did not expect me to find a job. Hopefully this kind of argument doesn''t hold for you

Ana
my oldest one just started college,i''m just thinking a few yrs down the road.

 

[Layne]

wow, as a recent college graduate I must say that I wish my parents had been as generous as you all were.

 

[innerkitten]

My parents didn''t support me at all when I went to University. I got a job right after high school ( minimum wage) got an apartment with two of my friends and paid my own tuition. It was really hard to make ends meet and I wish my parents had given me some kind of support. I think there is a happy medium.

 

[tanuki]

There was an article in Money magazine a few years ago about kids moving back home after college and never going out on their own.

This one mom was fed up that her kids were at home sponging off of her but she didn't know how to get them out of the house.
So one day the neighbor across the street put their house up for sale and the mom got an idea. She called the realtor that was selling the neighbor's house, found out what houses in her area were selling for and put a for sale sign in her yard. It wasn't long before she had a buyer.

So then the kids had to move out.

The next place she bought was in a retirement community and she intentionally bought one too small for her kids to live with her.

The magazine did a followup on the family later and the kids were totally embarassed. Everyone in town had seen the magazine and knew that their mom had to sell the house to get them to stop living in the basement. So they had caught a lot of ribbing about it while the mom was happily living in Florida in her new house.

 

[rfath]

I''ve got to say.. you''re terrific parents to be paying for college for your children. I think that it''s one of the best things that you can do to help them start out ''right'' after graduating - no loans (and hopefully no debt) to follow them for years. I think it''s only fair to ask that they support themselves after getting an education, no matter what the job is once they graduate. But be VERY upfront with your deal.. my parents never quite came out and said that they weren''t going to be paying for my college education, but they managed to help my sister out (and still are); unfortunately, there wasn''t a whole lot left for me. It''s a HARD road to try to manage several jobs as well as to make the time to study to get grades sufficient to keep scholarships... and even then I''m still up to my eyeballs in student loans.

 

[njc]

My parents supported me through state college (tuition, room & board, books, car insurance etc.) but anything extra (trips, drinking, clothes, concerts) was all on me from money i earned working summers and breaks from school. I even got a PT job during my Jr year for a little extra money. My Sr. year though i was able to get my mom to up my income. I was interning full-time plus school full-time and didnt have much time for working. I just mentioned that i was actually going to graduate in 4 yrs vs. the 5 years my brothers took. The extra $100 a month was WAAAAYYYY cheaper than another year of school!

After graduation i moved back in with my parents for 2 years, but always had a full time job (6 months at my old summer job till i got a "real job") and was cut off, except for food. I paid them a small rent which they kept and gave back to me when i left (a way to help me save). It was a great. I love my parents and get along well with them. When i did move out i was finacially stable, debts paid off and ready for totally living on my own. Now 9 months later, my FI (who also lived at home for a little while) and I getting ready to close on a townhouse of our very own in April! Having that little bit of time to get ourselves on our feet as ment so much to both of us.

 

[JCJD]

My dad had a deal with his father - grandpa would pay for dad''s college education if dad would pay for his childrens'' college educations. Now, I have the same deal with my father. He paid tuition, room & board, and fees, while I payed for books and unnecessary items - late night pizza, new shoes, etc. I went to a private liberal arts college 2 states away too, so it wasn''t cheap, but I had great federal support (and now, great federal debt!). I had a work-study job all 4 years of college, but if I hadn''t been able to work during school, I know my dad would have helped me with the book expenses. It was great - I could concentrate on schoolwork without having to work a full-time job (or two!!) at the same time as full-time classes like some of my friends.

When I graduated, I lived at home for a month before moving into an apartment with my sister. That was partly because Dad didn''t want me "mooching" at home but mostly because I didn''t want to live at home! Four years of independence at college makes the idea of living with your parents again pretty unpleasant! I love my father, but I don''t want to live there anymore! I think this is great DF. Your daughters will thank you - just make their end of the deal clear!

 

[flopkins]

DF- my parents made the same deal w/me, they supported me entirely through 4 yrs of college, (tuition, room/board, books, spending money, car, insurance) but made it clear I was on my own afterwards, whatever I decided to do... I''m now in grad school on fellowship/stipend... I agree w/some of the others- I am very grateful to my parents for supporting me through college- many of my friends were not as lucky, and had a much tougher time... this way I got to enjoy college, study, and graduate!!

I think my parents also had an expiration date too... if I didn''t graduate in 4 yrs... maybe not so generous w/supporting me! hehe. Made sure I graduated on time!

 

[ClownFishFunk]

Wow, what an interesting thread. DF, I think this is an excellent decision and a great compromise.
I definitely agree that it is a must to be straightforward and as clear as possible!

My parents seem to be more of the go with the flow type, which can be both good and bad. Sometimes it works out well for me, and other times it can work against me. My 3 older siblings all took longer to graduate than just 4 years, (my one brother took 8 years to graduate, however about 3 of those years were due to serious illness and injury) so I guess my parents were kind of forced to work with it.

For two of my siblings, they paid for both tuition and an off campus apartment, and I believe a car (my siblings helped a little bit, i''m not exactly sure of the details because they are a lot older than me), and my other sibling wanted to go to a private school in the city, so in compromise they told him he would have to wait on his license and a car since his private school was more expensive. I go to a state school, they pay for my room and tuition, but I have yet to be allowed to get my license (i''m hoping to get it this summer), and I split the costs of food with my parents. I also work full time over the summer. I don''t plan on taking more than 4 years in school (currently am a junior), but I''m sure if I needed to come for an extra summer or anything like that, they wouldn''t mind paying for it. As for whether i''ll be living at home after college, I probably will for a little while as I search for a job and save up some money to move out. I don''t think my parents will mind too much b/c all of my older siblings have been moving in and out for many years now (while all of them are incredibly bright, they chose difficult career paths, such as English, Art, and Music!), and I’ve also been a very good and determined student/person so I think they know I wouldn’t be living there for long.

I think watching my older siblings take so long to settle in makes me want to do it faster than them! My competitive side I guess, haha. But as you can see, my parents took a different approach to all of us, sometimes for the better (getting to go to school a little longer if necessary) and sometimes for the worse (my randomly not being allowed to get a license). But hey, I still appreciate not having to take out loans!

 

[tanuki]

My kid is only three but here''s the plan.

We started a college fund for her when she was two months old. Her grandparents were generous enough to give it a good start.

Every month a certain amount of money goes from my checking account to the college fund and we also have a credit card that puts 2% from every purchase into the fund. It is calculated to amount to the tuition you would need for an in-state college for five years 15 years from now. I keep it on track as needed as interest rates go up and down.

When it''s time to go to college - the amount in the fund is all that will be spent.

I have a car fund and a wedding fund too.

If she fools around and doesn''t graduate with a degree that will enable her to support herself I will consider it her problem.

 

[perry]

When I went to college (80's) I fully supported myself, sent money to my folks, and helped them with other stuff. It helped that I saved almost all of my money when I was in the US Navy for college and had the GI Bill. But I also worked. I graduated with less than $850 in education debt.

I believe that it will help your children adjust to the real world to require them to work for something - even if it is only expense money. They will adjust to real jobs and life better after college.

Of course since then life has not been so kind. Loss of job in chosen field and medical problems withoug insurance created a multiyear situation where I could not function well enough to hold a good paying job. Now that the problems are under control and I do have a decent job... I'm still digging out of the debt.

Hope your kids have fun in college.

Perry

 

[Dancing Fire]

2 summers ago my older daughter (16 yrs old) earned like $4000 so i kept 3k and i was gonna open a roth IRA account for her but, i was told you can''t open a roth for a minor

got to teach them about financial planning early in life.