Am I demanding too much?

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

I am the queen of over analyzing and planning.....also the queen of indecisiveness.

With that said, my boyfriend brought up the topic of rings a little less than 2 months ago. He originally said I should expect a ring "very soon"....now he says within 6 months....which is NOT my idea of very soon. We''ve discussed wedding stuff (when, where, etc) and basically agreed 2010 would be good. The latest topic that''s got me bothered is that my lease ends in 4 months and I may have to move (property up for sale).

Let me interject here and give a little background....he lives 2 hours away and owns a home, but he''s a consultant so he travels all he time and spends more time at my house than at his. I recently moved to this area for a job.

So, I have two dogs and he''s concerned over me finding somewhere with space for them (like I have now)....while I want this, he say YOU are going to make sure you find a place with space right? I feel he should be a little more WE than me if you know what I mean.

Also, at a conversation with some friends today at work....someone said it didn''t seem like I knew what he was thinking because after 2 1/2 years of dating there''s some reason (she said lack of commitment) that I don''t have a ring yet.

Rather than just jumping into attack mode; I''m trying to think of ways he may see it....(I will see him this weekend and am trying desperately to hold off discussion until then).

He has given me a debit card for his checking account. My guess is that in my mind he probably feels there''s no real reason to discuss things because 1. I told him I wanted the engagement to be a surprise 2. I''m still unsure if I want to stay in this area (very expensive) but not sure of where else I''d like work 3. he feels he''s doing things to demonstrate his commitment other than a ring

So, basically after this extremely long post (sorry, but it helps me vent)....
am I being too impatient?
how do I discuss with him that I want a better timeline and idea of what he''s thinking without him thinking I''m simply annoyed because of no ring?

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Well.........................

No you just want more difinitive answers. All LIW''s do, but he wont be willing to give them to you.

Are you looking at living together before marriage or is that out of the question? Does he not want the dogs? I think that the best way to understand where you stand is to just ask him what he wants and decide what you want.

There is no right or wrong just what you feel. Just talk and see where it leads.....

 

[Independent Gal]

Do you mean you want to move in with him? Or that he should be helping you find yourself and the dogs a new place to live? And is your concern that you want him to propose sooner? Or are you worried that he won't propose at all?

I'm not sure I understand.

But whatever it is you want clarified, it is always fine and good to calmly raise a subject to see what page everybody is on. Just don't make it into a "talk" know what I mean? Keep it light. Just mention, while you're both in the kitchen or wherever "Listen, I was wondering what you think about X?" or "I'm so excited... how about we think about getting engaged in timeframe Y instead?"

That kind of thing. Just make it a conversation. No need for it to be accusatory.

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

Sorry for the confusion....he loves the dogs and wants to make sure I find a new place with a yard as opposed to an apartment buidling or complex with little grass.

We basically live together now. A few months ago I told him my I wanted to move in together by June 09 (based on leases)...which would be prior to marriage as currently planned. I''m for living together prior to marriage....not saying I want him to sell his house in this market, but he''s constantly driving back and forth to fly out of there when there''s an airport here! It''s Newark though and he doesn''t want to with it.

I think my concern is that I fear he doesn''t really want to get married and is just passifying me. In some ways I do want a proposal sooner, but that''s just my impatience....more importantly I want it to be special and meaningful and if that means more time that''s fine (I keep telling myself this . In reality, he hasn''t given me any reason (other than not proposing yet) that he doesn''t want to get married to me......I''ve expressed this concern and he says that''s not it...it''s just that there''s no rush.

Typing this post and writing some things out have helped me gather my thoughts....the main thing that I realized is that it seems to be other people that cause me to worry. It seems every time I bring up something about my relationship (good, bad, or neutral) it turns into a "point out problems I see with her relationship". This creates problems that don''t exist and stress me out, so I''m going to attempt to discuss my relationship less....especially with people that aren''t really close friends.

 

[Independent Gal]

I would just set a mental timeline (if he says 6 months, then 6 months) and then forget about it and relax! If, after 6 months, there''s no movement and no more certainty, consider your options. I''m sure your guy is not ''one of these'', but I know a whole collection of guys in their late 30''s and early 40''s who don''t want to marry, but want steady girlfriends. And keep girls around by saying all kinds of things for as long as they can get away with it. So your fears are not crazy ones.

But unless there''s a positive reason to think he''s "one of those" or unless there is a hurry, wait the 6 months, then reassess.

That''s what I''d tell ya if you were my sister, if you know what I mean.

 

[absolut_blonde]

6 months is relatively soon in my book-- I''d be thrilled if I knew it would be that soon for me! You never know, anyway, he might be saying that to completely throw you off.

As for your coworker, I hardly thing 2.5 years is overy long or necessarily indicative of some problem. I personally don''t know anyone who got engaged after less than 2 years or so. And most people my age (24) who are getting engaged now have actually been together for upwards of 5 years, some even more than that.

But I do understand your concerns as far as living arrangements go. Have you two discussed that in-depth? Doesn''t seem like it makes sense for you two to both be spending money on places if you are basically living together anyway (and since you''re both pro-cohabiting before marriage).

 

[Haven]

Looking at it from the guy''s perspective--if you two have discussed waiting to get married until 2010, my guess is that your bf probably doesn''t think there''s any rush to propose any time soon. In his mind, you two have planned to marry, and you''ve planned to do so in TWO years, which is pretty far away.

That being said, if you''re anxious to get engaged or move in soon, just talk to him about it. Don''t make it a giant talk or anything, but definitely bring it up.

 

[bee*]

I agree-I don''t think that six months is a huge amount of time. When D and I first had the talk, he asked me to give him two years. We had been together six years at that stage, however were just finishing college and getting ourselves together in terms of careers, so I didn''t mind. The time flew by! I''d give him the six months and if he doesn''t do it by then, I''d have a chat with him. In terms of seeing what he feels about your new rental place, just ask him.

 

[LegacyGirl]

The time will fly by! I''ve been with my SO for 5 years so 2.5 years is not long at all.

 

[choro72]

Isn''t it amazing how people around you can make you imagine things? No, I don''t think your BF has commitment issues. All my friends and family were talking and planning about our wedding before WE had even discussed it. It really made me feel silly, that I should be engaged already, and that my BF had serious issues.
I decided that I will not talk to anyone about how our relationship was going, and let us proceed at our on pace. It did wonders! It helped me focus on what we had NOW, not some distant future.

Also, another point to make is that men work at different clocks than women do. My BF also initially said "Summer". He was really confused as to why I was so disappointed. I have now learned to be content with the idea, but it took a while!