Am I just being a bridezilla?

[BigDiamonds]

Let me preface this by: FI and I are planning a destination wedding at a resort in Mexico. We would love to keep it as small as possible, because we''re just not huge party types of people. We really want to the wedding to be an intimate group of family and friend who care about us and care about being there; we don''t want random people who are there just for the party.

So the issue is this - we had an engagement party a few weekends ago. I invited around 10 friends, all of whom I intended to invite to either the wedding itself, or the reception back in the States afterwards. I have made it very clear with people that our wedding will be very intimate, and we are expecting to do our main celebration after the honeymoon.

Anyway, of the 12 friends, 6 RSVP''d "No" with a variety of really lame excuses, and 2 of the people who RSVP''d "Yes" didn''t show up. That left only 2 friends who cared enough to come and celebrate with us.

I''m pretty hurt by it, especially because I feel like there were a lot of people who could have made it if it was a priority to them. I''m the type who would have found a way to make an appearance, even if it was only for an hour to say congratulations. I understand that people have other things going on in their lives, but with a month''s notice, I expected a little more from my "closest" friends.

Some people had legit reasons, but some of the excuses were pretty thin (e.g. "I took my Mom out to lunch and it went longer than I thought." Um...our party was at 7 pm.)

So tell me - is it rude to bump some of those people off the wedding invite list and down to the reception-only list? Or not invite them at all? I feel like if they didn''t care enough to come to the party, they shouldn''t be able to complain if they''re not invited to the wedding. I don''t want to be petty, but I also don''t want people at my wedding if they don''t really care about us.

What should I do? Do I just need to get over it?

 

[Haven]

First of all, I''m so sorry to hear that this happened to you. It sounds like your "friends''" rudeness has less to do with you and much more to do with them.

Traditionally, anyone invited to the pre-wedding social events should be invited to the wedding. However, since you are planning a small, intimate destination wedding I suppose it would be perfectly acceptable to omit any of the people who have left a bad taste in your mouth, and if they have the audacity to confront you about this choice, you could simply respond by saying something to the effect that you are terribly sorry but your small, intimate wedding cannot possibly accommodate everyone that you love dearly, which is why you planned an engagement celebration, and how horrible it is that they weren''t able to attend the party. And if you are having a post-wedding celebration, then it is perfectly acceptable to only invite people to that. I''ve been a happy guest at many a celebration that occurred after the destination wedding, and never once was I resentful that I wasn''t invited to trek across the world to join the couple during the actual ceremony.

Good luck, and please don''t let this setback take away from the enjoyment of your engagement period.

 

[BigDiamonds]

Thanks Haven! It''s nice to hear that inviting people to only the post-wedding events is not uncommon for destination weddings. I particularly like the idea of mentioning that part of the reason we had the party is because our wedding will be so intimate, and how just AWFUL it was that they couldn''t come!

LOL.

 

[Harleigh]

Ditto what Haven said...I LOVE that idea of how to respond to the slackers! Haven, you always know the right things to say!

 

[neatfreak]

I don''t think you should have people at your wedding that you don''t want there. Period.

BUT...is this something you will regret if it turns out there was something else going on in their lives on the day of the party that you didn''t know about at the time? A breakup? Hard time at work? Other personal problems? Sometimes people don''t want to rain on your parade so they hold things that are negative back from you. So if it is at all possible that this is going on, I wouldn''t "disinvite" them yet. Was this totally out of character for them? Or just one of many flakey things?

If these people are flakey in general and aren''t real friends, then I would do what you feel in your heart even if that means not inviting them.

That being said, I don''t think people who don''t care enough to show up for your party will travel to Mexico for your wedding...it is a LOT of money once it is all said and done, so you could just invite them and see what happens too.

 

[BigDiamonds]

Neatfreak - thanks for your thoughts. I hadn''t considered it, but it is probably true that people don''t want to share if there is something negative going on. I have some time before save the dates or invites need to go out, so I will try to feel things out a bit. There were a couple of people who sent sincere, "Sorry I cant'' make it, but congratulations" and so on...they''re still on the invite list. I don''t expect the world to stop for my engagement (ok, maybe a little

.)

As for the $ involved, I am really hoping that even people who are invited will self-select. I know that a lot my more distant relatives whom I don''t really know probably won''t come, which is a relief since that saves me the headache of figuring out how to not invite them! With my friends though, I feel like it could go either way- either they don''t come because it''s so expensive, or they make extra effort to come because it''s a vacation too. Have to wait and see...

 

[havernell]

I kind of agree with Neatfreak- is this the FIRST time these friends have let you down, or has there been a pattern of dissapointments with some of these friends?

If it has been a pattern with some of them, then yes, think long and hard about whether to invite them to the wedding. However, if this is the first time you''ve felt dissapointed by these friends, then I would be inclined to not cut them off so hastily. Perhaps try to set up another time to see them individuall (or in small groups)- get together for a dinner out, go see a show, etc... If during those times everything seems normal, I''d chalk up your party as a big fluke.

Also, how long have you been friends with these people? Are they best friends for life that you''ve know since second grade or are they more recently aquired friends from work or something? I''d be more open to the idea of bumping "new" friends and keeping old friends on the list.

Good luck with the decision- it''s a tough one!

 

[janinegirly]

i agree that ultimately invite who you want there rather than following etiquette to the T. The fact that they blew you off for the engagement party means they are not as close friends as you perhaps think they are.

this might be something you want to get to the bottom of? it just seems odd to have them be yoru closest friends (with only 10 invited) and for such a high % to decline or not show.

sorry to hear you''re going through this, but better to know now than at your wedding!

 

[Pandora II]

You might just have been unlucky - I''m sure that each one probably thought they were the only one that wasn''t going to be there.

That said, if I had been one of the two that did show up, I would have had a ring round the others and had a few choice words to say.

Re the after-wedding party, my FI and I invited all our friends (but no family) to our engagement party. We have huge families and a limit of 120 guests so we''re throwing a party a week later in London for all our work collegues, political collegues and general friends (and vaguely hoping that a lot of people are on holiday to keep the $$$ reasonable

)

 

[BigDiamonds]

I think I have kind of a mixed bag in the friends category. Very few of them are friends with each other, so it''s kind of a random group and I''m sure none of them knew that the rest of my friends weren''t going. A couple of them are chronically flakey, but I always thought they would be there when it counted. I think the worst part is that a couple of them that were on the wedding list are close friends who are generally reliable and they had really lame excuses.

I guess part of the problem is that I would really go out of my way to attend an event like this, but maybe that''s not fair to expect from other people?? I know I should just get over it, but I''m having a hard time.

FI has a ton of close friends from high school that are going to be at the wedding, and I''m suddenly feeling like I have no one.