Am I pushing a timeline on him?

[Lanie]

Ladies, I''m new...PLEASE help me! My BF and I have been together just about a year. We knew our first date that this was going to be it. Blah blah blah...fast forward to now.

We''ve been talking about getting engaged for a couple of months now, after talking in generic terms of marriage for the last 6 months or so. Well, we live in different apartments, but he pretty much lives with me. My lease is up in July. His lease isn''t up until November.

We''ve been looking at houses to buy in the area, and starting to talk financial, etc. The market is very good to be a first time buyer, and so I had it in my mind that when my lease was up in July, we''d be engaged by that time and move into a house. Silly me, being practical. I talked about this plan of mine with him, and now he is upset that I''m trying to make the timeline. He says that when my lease is up should not dictate when he proposes. I understand that BUT, if May/June were to come around and there were still no ring, I''d have to move into another apartment and start a whole year lease. Keep in mind that I could break that lease, BUT breaking a lease around here costs at least 2 months rent, and I''m already paying 1000 a month. Also understand that neither of us want to move in together unless we are engaged.

I''m mad because he knows he''s going to propose. He doesn''t have the ring to my knowledge, but he told me he knows exactly where he''s going to get it, he''s been talking to his married best friend about ideas, and he knows how he wants to do it. We went ring shopping and he knows what I want.

If a guy knows he''s going to propose, why wait and make it more complicated, i.e. make your girlfriend sign a whole year lease, move, and then have her break the lease in 3 months or so?!?!? So my questions is...am I really pushing a timeline on him? I should be happy because I know we''re going to be together anyway, but why drag your feet unecessarily? He said he has "a few things to take care of" before he does this, i.e. save up some money so he doesn''t have to make as many payments on a ring. He also tells me to calm down and have a little faith in him. Yeah, I have faith, but it''s not fair that he''s going to make this more expensive for me in the long run!

Thoughts?

 

[Independent Gal]

Call your landlord. Explain you''ll be househunting, and ask if you can go month to month when your lease is up, while promissing to give one (or if they prefer two) monnths notice when you decide to leave. I betcha s/he says yes, because for them it puts off the stress of finding a new tenant. Problem solved.

I''m also a practical girl, and most of our timing, both engagement and wedding-wise, was dictated by practicality, so I hear ya! But this may be an easy practical problem to solve.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

Although I understand your fustration, it sounds like he has every intention of proposing when the time is right. Normally I am all for a timeline estimate, however since you have only been together for a year, I would hold off a bit and see what happens.

Regarding the lease thing, I was in a similar situation and choose not to live with my FI until we were engaged. I told him if he choose not to propose by X date, I would have to renew my lease for the next year, and would not be able to move in with him for another year. He ended up proposing BUT if he didnt, I would have renewed my lease for a year and tough for him.

Try not to get discouraged and just see what happens. It does sound like he is planning on it, just wants it to be a suprise.

 

[krispi]

Just a thought - maybe he doesn''t want to feel like you are dictating the timing, but rather that he is choosing it? Guys can be weird like that, and maybe he just wants you to be surprised instead of feeling like it should be coming? I agree with the others, have a back up plan in place, whether that''s negotiating a 6 month lease (usually cheaper than month to month), agreeing to stay where you are another year, or going month to month. But my guess is that when he feels like he''s getting to have some say in the decision, he''ll be swayed by the practicality of the situation.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I agree with Independent Girl. Try to see if your current landlord would allow you to go month-to-month on a lease (a/ka tenancy at will) with reasonable notice when you intend to vacate or if s/he would be willing to sign a 3 or 6 month lease. As a homeowner, I can tell you that it does take awhile to find a home, close on a home and move in. So, while 6 months may sound like a lot of time now, you may find yourself using every last day on a 6 month lease.

It sounds to me like your BF is just trying to get the last bit of money together for the ring. He could also be waiting for a specific event or time of year to propose. If he’s indicated that he will propose and has asked you to have faith in him, I’d relax. Talk to your landlord (sooner rather than later) and see what your options are in the summer when your lease is up. If you can work out an arrangement with your landlord, perhaps some of your stress and anxiety will start to dissipate.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 2/20/2008 9:45:39 AM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

I agree with Independent Girl. Try to see if your current landlord would allow you to go month-to-month on a lease (a/ka tenancy at will) with reasonable notice when you intend to vacate or if s/he would be willing to sign a 3 or 6 month lease. As a homeowner, I can tell you that it does take awhile to find a home, close on a home and move in. So, while 6 months may sound like a lot of time now, you may find yourself using every last day on a 6 month lease.

I agree with KTF & Indy Gal. Try to see if you can negotiate a month-to-month or 3/6 month lease option. Many times, depending on where you live, you can also negotiate an additional home purchase clause in your lease where you can get out of your lease with notice (30 or 60 days) if you do purchase a home - it''s worth asking about. That''s what I did with my apartment management when I was looking for a house. Closing on a house can be a very quick process or a very slow one, even in a buyer''s market like this, so try to find an option that''s as flexible as possible for you. Good luck!

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/20/2008 10:14:15 AM
Author: Patiently_Waiting

Date: 2/20/2008 9:45:39 AM

Author: Keepingthefaith21


I agree with Independent Girl. Try to see if your current landlord would allow you to go month-to-month on a lease (a/ka tenancy at will) with reasonable notice when you intend to vacate or if s/he would be willing to sign a 3 or 6 month lease. As a homeowner, I can tell you that it does take awhile to find a home, close on a home and move in. So, while 6 months may sound like a lot of time now, you may find yourself using every last day on a 6 month lease.

I agree with KTF & Indy Gal. Try to see if you can negotiate a month-to-month or 3/6 month lease option. Many times, depending on where you live, you can also negotiate an additional home purchase clause in your lease where you can get out of your lease with notice (30 or 60 days) if you do purchase a home - it''s worth asking about. That''s what I did with my apartment management when I was looking for a house. Closing on a house can be a very quick process or a very slow one, even in a buyer''s market like this, so try to find an option that''s as flexible as possible for you. Good luck!

Yeah I think that this is a great idea also. Then you don''t have a whole years lease and your bf can have the time to do what he wants with the proposal.

 

[Aloros]

Agreed with Independent Gal. Fiance and I are looking for a house right now, and are a month-to-month lease. It''s really a better idea, since you won''t know exactly when you''re going to get into a house!

And consider that you saying "Oh, we''ll be engaged by July" might take the wind out of his sails a little. He might want it to be more of a surprise even though, in a practical sense, you''re right.

 

[Lanie]

Thanks so much girls! I agree on the month to month. I just didn''t want it to sound like I was waiting around, but technically I am, and he knows it, so I guess it''s not that big of a deal.

I can also totally seeing him wanting his say in this. If I''m pushing it along, it''s not HIM making the decision. Good good. I feel so much better!

 

[LegacyGirl]

I''m glad you feel better! These girls give some great advice.