Am I too possesive?

[onvacation]

The pest control man came by today. I was home, my roommate wasn''t. He knocked on her door, and once it was clear she wasn''t home, he opened it up to spray her bathroom. I stayed at the entry to make sure he was just doing his job, when I spotted one of my best cushions on her bed, flattened like a Silpat! I remember that it''s been over a month since I''ve seen it on the living room couch. Then I notice one of my brand new cups sitting on her desk with old tea! Tea STAINS. And all this was after I had just taken three knives out of the stainless steel dish rack after I directly asked her a few nights ago not to jab them in there like that, because they damage the blades. This was probably her BF''s doing, since he''s the one who usually does the dishes.

Do you think it''s rude to take your roommate''s stuff into your own room, without permission? If you leave something out in the living room, which is shared, is that fair game for sharing? I don''t mind sharing the knives as long as they''re not abused, since we agreed it''s a waste to have two of everything when we first moved in together. But I personally think using something in the living room and taking it into your own room and not bringing it back out when you''re done with it is a bit different. Maybe it''s because her room is her personal space, whereas the living room is shared, open space? My FI''s roommate does it too; I left an afghan in their living room with permission to use when I am over there because they keep their living room on the chilly side, and I said it would be okay for a friend who was staying overnight to use it since they don''t have extra blankets. But after he left, the roomie started using it occasionally in the living room, until one day it flat out disappeared. Whaddaknow, we find it in between the roomie''s sheets! I say "oh that''s where it was!" a few times, and even ask him to put it back in the living room, but one day I finally had enough and just had to straight out ask for it. Is this normal? Am I too possesive? BF tells me that it''s only for a few more months, but our roommates and their SOs are driving me crazy! How do we resolve this while being civil?

Sorry this turned into a rant.. I was trying to ask if you guys think it''s normal behavior and I''m over-reacting. I know sharing and patience are virtues we need when living with other people, but I just think this is taking it over the limits... Should I talk about my peeves to them, or should I hold it in for a couple more months? I''ve tried really hard so far to get along!

 

[tberube]

I don''t pose to have an answer on this...but I will say that this is exactly the reason I can never have a roommate (that''s not a S.O.). They invariably live and act differently than I''d like, and it always results in a lot of resentment on my part.

 

[peridot83]

If you agreed that the teacups were to be shared, then I personally don''t think you can be upset about her leaving tea in a teacup. Same with the knives if they were placed improperly.

However, going forward...you may want to revoke the "sharing" idea and just keep everything strictly for yourself. If you care that deeply about your items, then do not share them. People aren''t always going to perfectly dry and place knives properly, and they''re not going to rinse and wash out their teacup after immediate use. These I feel are unreasonable expectations once you agree to share an item.

It is NOT unreasonable to say: "hey I thought I was ok with us sharing stuff, but honestly I''m just too paranoid...I think we''re going to have to keep our dishes, pillows etc. separate from now on."

As a roomate I would understand that, I wouldn''t, however, understand a roomate who was like..yea i''m totally cool with sharing stuff...and then...wasn''t.

 

[onvacation]

tberube, thanks for reading through that whole rant! I hope it hasn''t left you feeling too depressed. If anything, be glad you''re not stuck with a roommate! I mean, I love my roommate, she''s one of my best friends, but her BF just drives me and my BF nuts. My FI, who is an absolute angel and never says mean things to people unlike me, is reluctant to engage in social activities with them because the BF is an absolute jackas* j*rk.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/5/2008 3:18:32 PM
Author: tberube
I don''t pose to have an answer on this...but I will say that this is exactly the reason I can never have a roommate (that''s not a S.O.). They invariably live and act differently than I''d like, and it always results in a lot of resentment on my part.

I totally agree with you-I''m very possessive with my things. I have two sisters and HATE them taking my stuff as they don''t look after it. I cannot wait until May when I move into my new place with D and I won''t have anyone taking my things-bliss! I would definitely say it to your roommate about things that they''ve used. If you had said that teacups can be shared though I don''t think that you can say it to her about that.

 

[onvacation]

peridot, thank you for your input!

But the thing is, I never said I would share those things with her. Rereading my post, I didn''t make it clear, but when we first moved in we designated items to share. The cups were not one of them. She had her own set of cups in her own cupboard, and I had my own in a different one. We did that unpacking part together. So she knows the cups aren''t shared. As for the knives, yeah, I''ve given up on that, and I have promised myself a new set of knives when I get married. But I still think it''s irresponsible of her not to ask her BF to do the same after I''ve asked her many many times not to put them in the rack or the dishwasher.

I''m so glad I''ll be done with this portion of my life in a few months.

Then he''ll be her problem, and hers only.

 

[peridot83]

If an item wasn''t supposed to be shared, I see no problem if it''s really bothering you to bring it up! You don''t have to be confrontational about it, just mention in passing "hey, I saw that you had a teacup of mine in your room, I''m a little paranoid about my teacups so could you please rinse it out right away if you need to use it?"

Good luck! I love living with roommates cause I can''t deal with living alone, but it is tough and there will be confrontations; hopefully you can preserve your friendship in the process!

 

[Circe]

Nope. You''re not too possessive at all: a basic respect for the possessions of the person that you''re living with isn''t too much to ask for. My ex-roommate was a lovely person, generally, but when she used my college mug (with my NAME on it, for the love of Mike) as an ashtray, I kind of flipped out. Now, admittedly, I''d never specifically asked her not to ... but, well, I guess I kind of took it to be a given. That''s the tough part of living with other people, I think: our "givens" are all very personal, and very subjective. You mention that you discussed the knives with your roommate, but did you ever mention them to her boyfriend? Have you talked about the "borrowing"? If so, they''re out of line. If not ... even if it''s just for a few more months, it might be worth it (if only for your peace of mind) to mention, in a polite, low-key way, that it kind of bugs when your possessions are mistreated/appropriated.

P.S. - This will make you a much better person than me, as I reacted by washing the mug and tagging it with a post-it that read "NOT AN ASHTRAY."

P.P.S. - We did discuss it, as well, but I couldn''t resist. Passive-aggressive humor... moi?

 

[Hera]

Date: 3/5/2008 4:00:33 PM
Author: peridot83
If an item wasn''t supposed to be shared, I see no problem if it''s really bothering you to bring it up! You don''t have to be confrontational about it, just mention in passing ''hey, I saw that you had a teacup of mine in your room, I''m a little paranoid about my teacups so could you please rinse it out right away if you need to use it?''

Good luck! I love living with roommates cause I can''t deal with living alone, but it is tough and there will be confrontations; hopefully you can preserve your friendship in the process!

I agree with this. As for the knives, even though you say you''ve given up on them, it seems it''s still upsetting you so I would suggest that you refrain from sharing them. My mom has a set of Henckels knives that always invariably ends up being in the middle of roommate controversy. The bottom line is that people value and take care of things in a different way and asking others to take care of things in your way is probably unrealistic. While I myself have a set of Henckels knives , it has not been uncommon for my knives to be used for prying jars open every now and then.

 

[chiefneil]

I don''t think you''re being possessive at all. My mean streak would have me being passive aggressive and not only reclaiming my stuff (and keeping it in my room), but also claiming some of her stuff from the living room and stashing it in my room too.

The knife comments reminded me the last time my parents came to visit. My father is notorious for using and abusing knives - he even gardens with his kitchen knives. Well after their visit I noticed that about an inch was broken off the tip of one my henckles knives. I bought another one, but when I asked my father about it out of curiosity, he used my DD''s favorite excuse "I didn''t do it! It was already like that!" Yeah, like I wouldn''t have noticed breaking the blade on my $50 knife, LOL. [Hey, maybe I make "good money" because having to replace it didn''t bother me!]

 

[Fancy605]

I don''t think you''re being too possessive either. I myself got peeved about very few possessions when I had roommates, but there were some random things that I was completely a freak about. For example, if anyone "squished" the decorative pillows on the couch or kept shoes on and like put a foot on the table or the couch or anything, I would have an internal freak out and then mention to whoever the culprit was that I''d prefer he/she didn''t squish the pillows or put shoes on the furniture.

I agree with what others have said. If it''s your stuff and you didn''t agree to share it long term and you consider it stuff you''d like to keep nice, then be picky about who uses it.

 

[princesss]

I don''t think you''re being too possessive at all. But then, even though I hate being alone, I am trying to get away with not having a roommate after graduation for exactly these reasons. I''m picky and possessive and get weird about all sorts of things, and there are only 2 people who know what I get freaky about, and one of them is just because she gets weird about the same things! (The other one is my BF.) So I want to have my own place (I don''t care how small) and get a cat.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi onvacation,
i don''t think you are being too "possessive" as you put it. my daughter is a college junior and is now living in an apt with a girl with whom she became very close last year. they had a third roommate(can you say psycho?) who moved out before the holidays. her current and only roomie is super lazy. my dd has been taking 18-19 credits to graduate early as it''s out of state tuition and mega-expensive. my daughter is very driven, very tidy and very respectful of other people and their things.
one day she came home from class and her roomie said, " i have your leggings on" it''s very cold where they go to school and her roomie used these under her jeans to "bundle up" a bit. my daughter was livid, she said(to me) "it''s not like she texted me and asked, or said, hey are you going to wear these in the next day or so or may i wear them" they actually have their own washer and dryer in their apt and her roomie will let the laundry pile up for two weeks. my daughter, i guess to some, is a bit anal, but she does her bedding weekly(like at home) her towels as needed, every couple of days and clothing as it piles up. her roomie won''t take the trash out and never puts her dishes in the dishwasher. sorry, now i''m ranting! i always try and listen to my daughter, and try to help her realize that not everyone wants or needs to be super organized/neat/clean but she gets soooo p*ssed about this. just last week, she came home from being on campus for almost 12 hours, and the george forman grill was sitting there from the night before, dirty. she was thinking, "why couldn''t she just clean it?" so my dd cleaned it...
her roomie''s computer broke and she has been using my dd''s. one evening, dd came into her own room and said, "do you mind? i want to get dressed." her roomie said, "go get dressed in the bathroom" THAT was one of those moments i think my daughter saw red! being kicked out of her OWN room.
she can''t wait till grad school where she has explicitly said that her only roomie might be a small pet!
after 21 years of marriage, my roommate(hubby) is still not anywhere near as neat as me. i am kind of over it-i still b*tch and moan but try and keep up even tho he doesn''t care. now that i am breathing again, after having two more children(we have 5), i am starting to treat myself a little and feel that it''s fair "pay" for all that i do around the house.
good luck to you. i understand as my daughter vents often about this same thing! bless your heart.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Some people can be jerks. Some may not do it on purpose and they just might not think. Talk to her about it first, if it keeps happening decide whether it''s worth sharing things with her.