And the wedding is OFF......

[IrishEyes]

OMG. My good friend and his soon to be bride are supposed to be getting married this Saturday, in 3 days. Well, DH just got a call from the best man letting us know of the news: they just called the wedding off!!

I guess they had a heart-to-heart yesterday and discovered that they weren''t ready and all that. Apparently they just discovered that neither one of them believes in divorce and that means that they would be stuck together forever ( ummm.... is marriage supposed to be about that anyway?!), so they just figured it was too soon to get hitched. Now they have to cancel everything and the poor best man has the job of calling everyone and letting them know the news. I just can''t beleive this!! How do you have a heart-to-heart about something so serious only 3 DAYS before the wedding?! Shouldn''t that be done before you even get engaged?! Geez....

Well, at least I hadn''t bought the gift yet!! I was going to get it tomorrow!! But I''m mad cause I had a really cute dress I was going to wear and now I have to find another occasion for it!

Has this ever happened to anyone? Know of someone who did this? It made me curious to see how many have had this situation occur, either as the guest or the bride or groom themselves!

I guess it''s better they figured it out before!.....

 

[Bikergirl]

As upsetting at it may seem....I would say better to call it off 3 days before the wedding, than to go through with it and have regrets. But that''s just me.

No, I don''t know anyone who''s been in this situation before.

 

[FireGoddess]

I was supposed to be the maid of honor in a wedding that ended up getting called off (this was about 6 years ago)...though not 3 days beforehand...it was around 3 months beforehand. (Thank God there was a bm dress snafu and our dresses had only JUST been ordered...so we could get our money back otherwise I'd still have that freaking unworn dress in my closet!!) I could tell the bride was unsure what to do...to call it off or not...and sometimes it really is in their best interest to delay. It's a bit of money to lose, a bit of inconvenience for several people....and a very difficult decision. Yikes.

ETA: Did I mention I am now going to be the matron of honor in that same person's wedding...though to a different groom...later this year? I hope this time it's a go!

ETAA: At least she didn't go running, secretly buy a bus ticket, and just disappear...

!!!

 

[Rockchick]

Date: 7/6/2005 5:35:19 PM
Author: Bikergirl
As upsetting at it may seem....I would say better to call it off 3 days before the wedding, than to go through with it and have regrets. But that''s just me.

No, I don''t know anyone who''s been in this situation before.

I agree, better now than later. A friend of a friend (LOL) did that 6 months after the wedding, and she took a lot of S**t from that!

They should have thought about it before the wedding, but I do think its pretty ''brave'' to actually say it. Its not an easy task to decide that you are calling off the wedding..

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree, better to do it now, then make a big mistake. I think it took a lot of courage. They did the right thing and who knows maybe down the road it will be right for them.

 

[icekid]

Date: 7/6/2005 5:28:56 PM
Author:IrishEyes
How do you have a heart-to-heart about something so serious only 3 DAYS before the wedding?! Shouldn''t that be done before you even get engaged?! Geez....

wow! this was my first thought as well. my bf and i have discussed MANY times that we are in this for the long haul, no divorce, etc. how do you make it to 3 days pre-wedding without discussing this sort of thing?? oh well, i guess 3 days before is better than 3 days after

 

[perry]

I understand why some people wait until the end to have some serious discussions. They may have discussed it before; but now it is real, imminant, and the significance of the situation sinks in.

They are to be commended for having the guts to admit the situation and call it off.

Far better to call it off - even at the last minute (or second), than to complete the cerimony and be married and not want to be.

Irish Eyes, I am sure you will find a use for that cute dress. The couple will do well in life, and perhaps they will yet get together after some time and more discussions.

Perry

 

[jellybean]

This was about 10 years ago...a friend of mine''s brother and his fiancee called off their wedding on their wedding day! We all knew they were having problems in the months before the wedding but we did not realize how serious those problems were. They were up all night the night before the wedding deciding whether or not to actually go through with it. I got a call at around 10am from my girlfriend telling me it was off. They had to pay for almost everything -- flowers, catering, etc. Fortunately their parents were very understanding and picked up most of the bills.

The couple wound up breaking up for good a few months later. He got married a couple of years ago to a different woman. I''m not sure what happened to her.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Although it wasn''t 3 days before, I was previously engaged about 13 years ago. We had agreed to live together before the wedding for about 6 months after I graduated college (we lived in different parts of the same state) to get reacclimated. On the 1st day of finals before my graduation, I got a phone call that went something like this....

Him: I don''t think I''m ready to get married...
Me: Okay. Well...we''ve got 6 months before the wedding. We can always postpone it and I''ll still come up to live with you and we''ll figure things out.
Him: I''m not sure I want you to live with me...
Me: *pick jaw up off floor, tears in eyes and e-ring off finger* So you want to break up?
Him: No I don''t want to break up...
Me: So you want to carry on your life up there while I''m down here and when you''re ready to work things out then I''m supposed to drop everything and run to you!!!!???
Him: Well no...

Anyway...you get the idea. So with everything signed, my parents had to help me tell everyone that the wedding was off. I still had finals to go to that week and a graduation that I didn''t want to be at. My parents didn''t lose money because it was still early enough for the reception site, photographer and florist to book other events. The dress was the only money down, but in the scheme of things, that wasn''t much...

I met my real DH just over a year later!! And I''m SO glad we never went through with it!! I could''ve been miserable and/or divorced...

Things really do work out for a reason!!

 

[movie zombie]

i have seen two marriages go to the alter only to be split and getting a divorce a year or less later. its hard to tell someone that the monetary costs and emotional costs of divorce are far higher than the costs of calling off the wedding and just paying what you have to to the caterers, for dresses, flowers, etc. like so many things in life, hindsight is 20/20. so many people get caught up in the fun of being engaged and planning the wedding that they have lost sight of the fact of why they are supposed to want to get married. i have a lot of respect for people that call it off before the ''i do''s'' are said....and think those that go through with it only to keep up appearances are fools.

peace, movie zombie

 

[onedrop]

My cousin called off her wedding the week of. The wedding was supposed to be on a Saturday, and I got notice on a Wednesday. Apparently she "saw somethings she didn''t like." That said, she ended up marrying the guy anyway a few months later. But some two years later....they are now going through a divorce and have a child. In this case I think it was probably for the best to call off the wedding, but I have absolutely no clue why she went through with marrying him if she was aware of some issues.

I would always err on the side of calling things off before going through with a marriage that I knew would be in trouble from the very beginning. What I think is that many people know from the beginning that there are severe problems but with the outlay of cash and all of the emotional build-up, cancelling the wedding seems like the worst thing possible.

 

[IrishEyes]

I do feel real bad for them, my husband just talked to another friend of ours and he said that the groom is having a real hard time with all this. I do know that is better done now than later, I just can''t imagine how painful saturday is going to be for the both of them when they wake up on what was to be their wedding day. They live together, and I wonder what is going to become of them now. I like both of them, they seemed like a real great couple, but you never know what is going on on the inside of a relationship! I do hope they find happiness in the future, whether it be with each other or other people. I don''t know how much their wedding was costing them, but I hope they are not losing too much

 

[diamondlil]

Wow, this is a tough one. I give them a lot of credit for calling it off rather than going through with it to please everyone else. The friends and family will be disappionted, but they''ll get over it. Dissolving a marrige is much more painful -- emotionally and financially.

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 7/6/2005 7:28:01 PM
Author: movie zombie
i have seen two marriages go to the alter only to be split and getting a divorce a year or less later. its hard to tell someone that the monetary costs and emotional costs of divorce are far higher than the costs of calling off the wedding and just paying what you have to to the caterers, for dresses, flowers, etc. like so many things in life, hindsight is 20/20. so many people get caught up in the fun of being engaged and planning the wedding that they have lost sight of the fact of why they are supposed to want to get married. i have a lot of respect for people that call it off before the ''i do''s'' are said....and think those that go through with it only to keep up appearances are fools.


peace, movie zombie

this happed to one of my best friends. 3 weeks before the wedding she was having doubts. I try to talk her into slowing it down and at least postponing the wedding but it''s very hard to stop that ball once it''s rolling. She was divorced in 10 months and was miserable from the get go. However, 2 years later she admits to wishing she called it off no matter what the financial and emotional considerations were at the time.

at least Irisheye''s friends had the smarts to do what was best for THEM and didn''t feel the pressure to go through we something they knew they weren''t ready for.

 

[MissAva]

Good for them, and at least it was an mutual decision. We had a groom call us the night before the wedding to say she called it off. And he was the one who had to call both of their lists. All I could think was what a bitch. If you call it off (affair) you do the calling.

 

[sjz]

I only wish that my first husband HAD called off the wedding! As it turns out, he wasn''t finished dating yet, and continued to do so after we got married.

Our marriage ended approx 18 months to the day after we said "I do". I had already become pregnant and had a child with him by that time, however.

My cousin''s bride left him standing at the altar. She didn''t even have the decency to call off the wedding...she simply didn''t show up! When they finally tracked her down, all she had to say for herself was that she''d changed her mind and decided she didn''t have the "heart" to tell him, so she thought the best thing to do was not to attend the wedding! Give me a break! Anyway...I''ve expressed my feelings to my cuz that even though what she did was humiliating and hurtful, it was a lot better than going through what I went through with the broken vows, the divorce, etc...

I''d have to say this couple showed a lot of maturity, if a little late in the game, by calling off the wedding if they were having any doubts. I know a lot of people get "cold feet". I think that''s pretty normal. But I think most people know the difference between cold feet and serious doubts. Better to err on the side of caution, even if it DOES cause a few eyebrows to be raised.

 

[Momoftwo]

I hope most people get married with the idea that it is forever. That's what "til death do us part" means. That makes me wonder what else they hadn't talked about. Sounds like they needed some real premarital counseling (or better yet, preengagement). My DH's cousin went through with the wedding even though she didn't want to. Her mother basically emotionally blackmailed her into it. They were both great people, but they shouldn't have gotten married and she knew it before. It lasted 2 years, 20 years ago, and now they're both happily married to other people and both have several children.

Also, the couples I know that have been married the longest (we've been married 24 years) did not have cold feet at all. My DH and I have talked about it. We weren't nervous, we were excited and we were 21(me) and 24(him).

 

[IrishEyes]

I do commend them for their courage to make such a huge decision before the big day. I think alot of people these days get married with the notion that if it doesn''t work out later, they can get a divorce and be done with it. I guess "cop out" would be a good word. Now, I do realize that for many people, divorce is the best option, I don''t think it''s wrong all the time. But for those who want so badly to be married and then when the going gets tough, they don''t even try hard to make it work - just get divorced, those people are wrong, IMO.....

 

[diamondfan]

It does take courage to make a tough choice like that. I think divorce is painful and so much worse with kids involved. I also think there a people who really want to be married, they see the wedding as the end and not the beginning of a life together. They think things they do not like will disappear or they overlook things to get to the big day. My sister, already divorced, became engaged very quickly. They were long distance and did not really know one another well when they got engaged. Over time things came out and she called it off. Money had been spent, but, even when money is tight for people, I think most parents want the kid to be happy...and if the couple is paying for it, the debts may be awful but better than a divorce especially with kids. I know another guy who has been engaged twice and gotten cold feet...this time, called off the wedding a couple weeks prior. They still live together, she still wears her ring. They have gone to family events that occured after the suppsoed wedding date and she has to stand there in limbo, not his wife and who knows when or if she will ever be? I wonder how she stays after that, but maybe she hopes if she hangs in there, she will prove to him that she loves him no matter what and he will be so amazed at her loyalty that he will marry her eventually. I personally have too much pride or whatever, I do not think I could do it!!!!

 

[aljdewey]

Has this ever happened to anyone? Know of someone who did this?

No, but I know of someone I *wish* did this.....my best friend.

She''s been married for 11 years now......and is miserable. Playing the game because she''s now a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids and is so firmly entrenched/dependent she cannot get out.

She met him at 21. She moved to his region of the country a year later for grad school - moved in with him for year 2. They fought mercilessly when they lived with each other......to the point of breaking up and her moving out. Unfortunately, they dated on and off, and relationship resumed. At the time, she said to me "I''m 27.....and I''ve been with him 6 years. I can''t imagine starting from scratch now". She convinced herself that this was as good as it would get, so she settled....and he''s the biggest jerk on the planet. Abusive in so many ways to her - doesn''t hit her, but mentally abuses her.

At the time, I told her that I thought it was better to do without than to make do....that settling wasn''t the answer. But it was her choice to make.

Having really believed in that credo myself, I refused to settle---clear in the knowledge that such a choice might mean never finding the right person. And then, at 37, I met Rich. When we married last year, my friend was my MOH. At a quiet moment between us at the reception, she said we looked really happy. I said "I hope we always are this happy"......and she said WISTFULLY "you will be - because you picked the right person." A very bittersweet moment - knowing that she was having regrets.

I''ll keep your friends in my thoughts, IrishEyes. What seems horrible now will end up being the best thing.