angsty waiting issues!

[CNOS128]

BF has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to marry me someday.

He knows that I don''t want to move in together until we''re at least engaged.

He hasn''t made any kind of express timeline for engagement, but we''ve talked about living together when my lease runs out in July. He even told me again yesterday that he really wants/is planning for us to live together by sometime this summer.

YET, he hasn''t made any move towards looking at rings. I think he might not know how long it can take to have them made/sized. I think he might think it''s just like going to the store to get a pair of shoes. I suggested to him once a couple of months back that when he''s ready maybe we can go look at rings together. He said, "that would be good."

BUT, we haven''t. I''m trying not to be impatient or talk about it all the time. I know he''s waiting for job-related things to settle down. I''m just worried that time will slip away from us...

 

[KCCutie]

I wish I had some words of advice for you, but unfortunately I''m afraid I''ll be in the same place in August with my lease coming up. Sometimes guys have no sense of time and how long things take.

Maybe you just need to have an open talk with him about the lease. If It''s up at the end of July maybe in late April or May bring up that you only have 90 days and you need to know if you should look for a new place or resign your current lease.

I actually had the same angst last year b/c I had to sign a 13 month lease b/c I thought that was such a long time what if he decided to propose before the lease was up. Now I''m halfway through that new lease and I''m already wondering what to do the next time. If nothing seems finalized by May I fully intend to have a talk with my SO about time-lines I don''t want to wait another 13 months.

 

[Codependent Gal]

Looking back on my own relationship, I wish that I hadn''t moved in with him without being engaged first. Once you move in with a person, it is like you enter an altered universe. An entire year can go by without any change in the commitment area and you don''t even realize it. It''s like "Oh crap, it''s Christmas again and we''re still not engaged.". Even though the whole "Why buy the cow" line of reasoning seems like such a cliche, there is a lot of truth to it. I don''t think that people should necessarily be married before they live together, but I think that there at least needs to be a movement in that direction before cohabitation otherwise the guy doesn''t feel as compelled to ever propose.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Well, as a different kind of example,
I basically lived with my SO for about a year before heading off to grad school. And almost 2 years into grad school, we are not yet engaged although we should be soon. That brings us up to having dating for 3.5 years!

I don''t think my moving back out sped the process up ONE bit. I do think, however, living with him helped me confirm that I in fact, was willing to marry him.

Of course, he says if I had stayed in town for grad school (was not an option anyway so it''s just an IF), we''d be married by now.

Hehe, of course, my response is: well if we weren''t, then you''d also be... single by now. Heh.

It works both ways, living together can slow things down or speed things up, in the long run, I think it just shows you: each guy steps to his own drummer.

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/6/2008 3:04:09 PM
Author: Codependent Gal
Looking back on my own relationship, I wish that I hadn''t moved in with him without being engaged first. Once you move in with a person, it is like you enter an altered universe. An entire year can go by without any change in the commitment area and you don''t even realize it. It''s like ''Oh crap, it''s Christmas again and we''re still not engaged.''. Even though the whole ''Why buy the cow'' line of reasoning seems like such a cliche, there is a lot of truth to it. I don''t think that people should necessarily be married before they live together, but I think that there at least needs to be a movement in that direction before cohabitation otherwise the guy doesn''t feel as compelled to ever propose.

I agree. If I had it to do it all over again I wouldn''t.
This is just me (with experience) I would PLAN on renewing my lease without another thought. If he wants you to move in but not without engagement, you''ll be shopping for rings in order for him to get you to live together. I have to agree with CoDependent Gal. All the intentions and somedays and in the futures can go by so quickly when you''re living together without a PLAN.

 

[sunnyd]

BigT, my advice to you is to clue him in on how long things take. If your BF is anything like mine was, he thought a wedding could be planned in 3-4 months (which it can, but unlikely). He thinks his sister''s wedding cost about $40k, which I also don''t think is possible because of what it was. I''m thinking $10 for ours. But who knows.

Anyway, (you still there?

) guys don''t think about it too often and that''s just how it is. They don''t know how long or how much. So tell him! Can you give an example of someone you know? Or make someone up? From work or something. "So and so just got engaged. Can you believe it took 8 weeks to get her ring?" LOL that sounds dumb, but maybe you get the idea.

 

[CNOS128]

Thanks for the advice, ladies! I''m pretty firm about not living together before being engaged or married, for a variety of reasons. When we initially discussed it, he was pretty firm about Wanting to live together before proposing, just to be sure. But then, somewhere along the line, he budged a little in my direction. He rationalizes it by saying "Well, we''re PRACTICALLY living together now." Which is just fine with me!

I''ve had an open talk with him about my lease, because I have to notify the landlord of my intent to remain in housing fairly soon (law school housing...they like a lot of advanced warning). He told me I should tell them I want to stay but not enter any binding agreements. But then he found out that he might have to leave his apartment in the next month or 2 and he told me very plainly that he hates the idea of having to move twice (once in a month, and once to move in with me). So he came up with the logical solution that he''d find a place where I could join him after my lease ends. That''s all great! He wants us to live together -- and so do I...

...and in all honesty if he asked me to move in without a proposal, I''d probably cave and do it because I just love him so darn much -- but I''d really prefer not to. So I''m wondering when the ring part of all of this will occur to him.

Hmm, maybe it''ll be a ringless proposal... Do people still do those?

 

[choro72]

I think your bf has not thought about this issue. Men have an uncanny ability to not separate living location, timing, and other practical issues completely from marriage. It''s a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.
So...You might want to bring it up to him...Since he clearly told you that he wants to marry you, then I think it''s a safe conversation...