Anniversary Gift Woes

[monarch64]

Alright, I am having a selfish, ridiculous moment here. I think. Our 3rd anniversary is coming up in September, and DH (who is not very good at surprises) has told me that his anniversary gift to me is a weekend in Cincinnatti to take in a Reds/Cubs game and stay at a lovely hotel on the riverfront. (The Reds are my team, Cubs are his--we live in Chicago but my dad, who is a lifelong Reds fan, made me promise him before I moved here that I wouldn''t ever convert.) Anyway, although I am excited and happy about this gift, I am also feeling selfishly disappointed. DH knows I am a jewelry addict! He knows all about my PS addiction, my love of diamonds, all things sparkly, and my fondness of the ultrasonic, my favorite appliance in the house. I know that he is also planning on purchasing a plasma or flat screen theater-sized t.v. in the next month or two, and that combination leaves our budget for entertainment/gifts with a sizable dent in it.

A few months ago, I let DH in on my jewelry wish list. He likes to choose things on his own, and has been very dead on with past purchases, but he wanted to know "what else" he needed to get me to fill in my collection. There were just a few basics and one or two less realistic items. He even asked me to "ballpark" some figures so he knew the bottom line, lol.

But I have a feeling that anything on that list will now take a back seat to the t.v. and weekend he has planned for us.

I can''t believe I am even posting this, but PS seems to be the land of guilty pleasures, and a place where I feel comfortable bouncing this type of idea off other members. I guess my question is, am I being completely selfish here and expecting more than I deserve? We don''t have children yet but are planning to start a family soon...our finances are in order and we are living a comfortable life...

I did choose one thing from my list that I would really love to have for my 30th birthday next May: an EC emerald RHR in either a three stone setting with diamonds, or a pave type setting with a very thin band and halo. Budget of $5k was ok with him.

Jewelry and my desire for it are one thing I don''t feel comfortable discussing with my friends or family. I would rather be berated here than in person by people I have to deal with every day, I guess.

Anyway, this issue is making me sad and I would love some advice/constructive criticism/smacks on the hand, whatever.

 

[Sundial]

Now Monarch why on earth would you be berated on pricescope for this? And I don't think you are selfish either. Frankly for some of us there is just no other gift quite like jewelry. Sadly most men just do not get this. Keep in mind though that your dear hubby has planned a very nice outing for your anniversary so he gets points for that. Is there something HE wants so that you have an excuse for a jewelry gift for yourself? Can you say that the television would be HIS gift and you get something sparkly just for you? Even if that doesn't work out you can always work on him for Christmas or your birthday.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Monarch, no you''re not being selfish at all! Are there any (relatively) inexpensive items on your list that hubby could get you? Maybe something in the several hundred dollars range? I really think it''s important to train ''em early! It''s going to be a long marriage so you want to make sure he knows to get you something *every* year even if it''s not extravagant.

 

[Kaleigh]

Who knows maybe he will surprise you??? He knows what is on your wish list and likes to do things on his own.....

 

[monarch64]

Dee Jay: yes, there are a couple of things in the $300-$500 range. He has also been really good about giving me something jewelry-wise for the past few years, whether it is for anniversary, birthday, Valentine''s, etc. I haven''t lost all hope, just feeling a little dejected because it seems like his budget is spent with this trip and the t.v. he wants. I know he won''t delay the t.v. because football season is upon us and heaven knows men need their big screens, lol!

Kaleigh: Maaaaayyyyybeee he''s got something up his sleeve, but I can''t be sure...I just feel guilty for even wanting anything besides this trip he''s planned. I feel like an LIW right now, wondering when I''m getting the ring, hee hee!

DH has always been great with jewelry gifts. He chose my diamond with one hint from me: that I would like a RB, and it''s more than I hoped for. On our first anniversary he presented me with a lovely diamond halo pendant, and last Valentine''s Day he got me a gorgeous Tag watch with diamond markers. I did ask for the watch, but didn''t expect the diamond markers...the pendant was a total surprise. I guess my time spent here on PS has added fuel to my fire, and I know he''s comfortable with spoiling me a bit, as well. So I get a little deflated knowing that there may not be a gift in the form of jewelry this year. Yes, it''s a comforting thought that Christmas will be here before I know it, and my birthday is 5 months after, but like Dee Jay suggested, I DO have several things on my list that aren''t too extravagant. I would think about purchasing said items myself, but I always want to give him a great anniversary or other occasion gift as well, and I have a smaller budget than he. Yeesh.

I know I''ll be over this in a day or so, but right now he''s out of town and I have time to hang out here and get some opinions. I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this sort of situation (I know, of course, many women here have waited years and years for an upgrade, I don''t mean to come across as superficial or materialistic, but maybe I just am, especially before we have children and I start putting their needs before my own desires.)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

What about some china?

What about buying yourself a little treat? I am ALL about treating yourself.

 

[diamondfan]

I would also feel a bit disappointed. The trip sounds awesome, and maybe a romantic dinner can be had during the trip, but the trip is not just a gift for you, not somehting you have asked for. You will have great memories, which can never be taken from you, but a little tangible bling is not bad either!!! I am guilty of this too. I am very well taken care of. I got my 9.22 emerald cut within the last year, and also did a lot of furnishing in my home and threw a wonderful bar mitzvah for our oldest son without much complaint from him as to cost. I wore a gorgeous diamond cuff and hoops for the party and my dh bought them for me. He let me trade in my new car that I did not love (paid for) for another new car and paid the difference on the loss without complaining (I think he did not like my other car too much!). I got the Hello Kitty pendant for Mother''s Day and then we went to Europe and he let me shop in Louis Vuitton, Chanel and Hermes to my heart''s content. (something I do at home without his support, but I always wanted him to say, "Get both if you like them!", not his normal response!) I made the plans, he said he was happy to go where ever I wanted, but still... Anyway, even knowing all this, I still was upset that I just got to go to dinner on our anniversary, which was Saturday. I got him a gift he has wanted, I made sure he did get it because he tends to pass up those things, and I am thrilled for him, but I kept hoping for a little something too.

There is always something I want, and I have also made a sort of wish list so he knows, running the price gamut from small to bigger. So, it sort of upset me that literally I did not even get a card (I gave him 4) and it makes me feel petty to be upset, but I am. So I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. It''s like, gee, the trip sounds great, but that is not what I want for my gift...and you would feel bad saying it. Is there a way to gently broach it so that he just knows how you feel without him getting upset? It sounds like you have your priorities in order, and are just feeling a bit wonky about this...which I sure do understand, it is not a rational thing but an emotional one!

And there will be so many other great times to get all the stuff you would love to have, no worries!

 

[monarch64]

Tacori: I just informed him AGAIN that one of my goals this year is to fill in our china and flatware, and to purchase a china cabinet (we have been using the excuse that our dining room is too small, but it looks like we will be staying in this house for the next couple of years, until the market starts to pick up again). He asked me for a ballpark figure, and didn''t balk at the # I gave him at all. He is good about those kinds of things--my father never was, so thank G. I married someone who isn''t totally cheap, lol!

Diamondfan: You are my PS idol, seriously! You''re the Ivana Trump (or Melania, I guess) to my Hillary Clinton--that''s the only comparison I could think of, sorry! ANyway, I think my DH just doesn''t and will not ever understand the premise of gift-giving without self benefit. I think almost every gift he''s ever given me in some way benefits him (save the diamond pendant). I am one of those "creative" types who loves nothing more than to give a gift that has meaning only on the other parties'' behalf. I.E., for his birthday, I threw him a party with a Chicago Bears theme (his favorite football team, and there is nothing else I can give him which he hasn''t already purchased for himself), got him a Bears grill cover, Bears handmade, hand-decorated cake, clothing to wear to his games this year, and to top it off a framed 8x10 photo of just him fishing with our beagle on a boat at sunset...brought tears to his eyes!

I guess I am the more emotional gift giver in this relationship, and that is fine with me. However, I feel I have expressed to him many times that although I appreciate his every gift, why do they always have to be of mutual benefit? (For example, the DVD player he talked about ended up being my 25th b-day present--I made him take it back because it was a gift he wanted for himself). Gift -giving to me means thinking about what would please your partner (or whatever recipient) the most, not yourself! I think some would say he''s being economical, but I feel he''s being sort of selfish in assuming we will both get enjoyment from these gifts. Btw, I asked for my watch because he bought himself a Tag on my 27th b-day and guess what? No jewelry for me that day. He took me out for a small get-together with close friends at a local restaurant and paid the tab but there were no gifts in the form of packages to open--I think he gave me a card with some gift certs. to buy flowers/plants for the house.

Should I just change my mindset to match his? I know it is probably more economically safe to give gifts which benefit both of us, but he is the spender and I am the saver in our marriage. I love him dearly, but at times like these I feel he loves himself more than he loves me!

Oh dear, I think I''ve completely spilled my guts here without wanting to. I hate to burden anyone else with my thoughts but they are just about getting the better of me. I apologize for sounding so woebegone, but apparently it''s just one of those days and I know my fellow PS''r''s have either been through this or know someone who has. Thanks everyone!

 

[diamondfan]

Monarch, I feel your pain! And trust me, I had to train my man, we are married 16 years...and he did not have a great example at home. I laughingly told him that I never wanted a gift that needed to be plugged in and that if it was a joint gift, i.e. a big screen, that I was allowed to get something just for me...even a small thing. I mean, a home theater is great and you might watch it and enjoy it BUT...it is clearly not for YOU. A small distinction and not everyone would agree with us, but the gift should be what the recipient wants. There was some comedy show where the guy wanted some manly man thing and so he bought it for his wife for her birthday...when she looked at him oddly, he said something like, Oh, not your thing...well, I can always keep it...(how clever!). Yes, the thought is what counts, but part of the thought, to me, is "what would the person getting this gift like to have?" My dh wanted something for our anniversary, not my taste or style really, but it was for HIM. So, I helped him decide and then I got it for him. It was not about ME. Anyway, I am a believer of finding a mellow time to say something like, honey, I love everything you give me, but for certain occasions I really love jewelry (or X or Y) and it would mean a lot to me if you kept that in mind". Finesse is important, or guys can get their feelings hurt and there go future gifts for a while!!!

 

[lizz]

I don''t think you should feel selfish for wanting jewelry. I guess I just tell my husband what piece of jewelry I want for special occasions (within our budget, of course), and he gets it. That is the kind of relationship we have. Is it possible your husband has a surprise planned (jewelry) too?

 

[Ellen]

Monarch, the first year hubby and I spent xmas together, I got a non-stick skillet and a dust buster, in their original bags.


Feel better?

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/16/2006 12:37:29 PM
Author: Ellen
Monarch, the first year hubby and I spent xmas together, I got a non-stick skillet and a dust buster, in their original bags.


Feel better?

Ellen, I have to say that I do feel better after reading that, lol!

Thanks everyone for your sympathy, hee hee. I''m finished feeling sorry for myself, but it was great to come here and vent a little.

SDL, I do remember when you didn''t get your ring...and I had the utmost sympathy for you! I guess I just have to count my blessings and know that I''m with a great man, whether he gets me jewelry for important occasions or not.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/16/2006 6:32:49 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 8/16/2006 12:37:29 PM
Author: Ellen
Monarch, the first year hubby and I spent xmas together, I got a non-stick skillet and a dust buster, in their original bags.


Feel better?

Ellen, I have to say that I do feel better after reading that, lol!

Thanks everyone for your sympathy, hee hee. I''m finished feeling sorry for myself, but it was great to come here and vent a little.

SDL, I do remember when you didn''t get your ring...and I had the utmost sympathy for you! I guess I just have to count my blessings and know that I''m with a great man, whether he gets me jewelry for important occasions or not.

Good!

Obviously things are better, or I wouldn''t be here. But yeah, it takes awhile to get there sometimes. However, it does sound like you''ve got a great guy, it''s just early in the game.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Monarch, I really appreciate your honesty. I think we can all relate to some extent. I do agree with Diamondfan and others that gifts that plug-in are not gifts for ME! Early on I made it clear that I never wanted an appliance for a gift. Later I had to train him to never pick out jewelry for me. I have to pick it out and give him a list. And never give me clothes unless I pick them out. This means that I always get things I really like! And he doesn''t have to worry about finding something out of the blue. It works really well!

Your husband sounds just a liiiiiiittle spoiled and self-centered. I don''t mean that in a mean way at all. We all know guys like that, I''m sure. I''ll tell you honestly, I wouldn''t be excited about a trip to a baseball game as an anniversary present. But I am sure he is honestly clueless that that wouldn''t be your hearts desire.

But like we''ve said many times on this forum, men often do not pick up on hints. They need very specific directions. Like: here honey, I know you really like to surprise me, so here is a list of the three things I want most in the world for our anniversary (birthday, or whatever). And then tell him how much it means to you that he''d want to get you something that would make you SO happy!

I am a saver, too, and nothing makes me crazier than money spent on me for something I don''t even want. So he rarely makes that mistake anymore. You just have to train them early.

 

[diamondfan]

Monarch, lest you think my guy never messes up, one year he got me foot cream and socks!! He was so excited, he had been on a plane and got it in the skymall catalog, because he remember I had complained that my feet were dry. I nearly threw it at him. I said, there better be a nice gift here SOMEWHERE. He then went out and got me a three stand pearl bracelet with a diamond flower clasp to redeem himself! I told him the thought of the cream was nice and to just get it because he was thinking of me was ONE thing, NOT AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT. The silly actually seemed surprised I did not love it! This was years ago, and he has yet to live it down (I will never let him!!!) I have gone so far as to buy something, wrap it, hand it to him to give me and say, Wow! Look what you got me!!! He cracks up, but I think also he appreciates knowing I am happy and it was easy for him.

Hinting does not work. Men do not do subtle, period. "This is something I would like for our next gift giving occasion". Etc...and again, just me, but nothing that required an outlet or batteries, unless I wanted it. This year, since he has been quite generous all year, I decided I really did not NEED anything, so I asked for the I Mac computer. I am thrilled with it. So it is fine, he got something pricey that he wanted, and I am happy too. I even remembered that in China last May, he got me lovely south seas and a three strand of really nice quality pearls...honestly in the last 18 months I have been well taken care of, but as I said, TRAINING. He would never have known what to get or do if I had not been specific. Now he will recall getting me something and hit himself on the forehead and say, " I got you THOSE recently? Boy, am I GENEROUS!!!! Of course I concede that he is and give him a big hug and kiss...(and get ready to mention the next gift I would love to have.) But seriously, you have time, do not fret and just be clear and non emotional if the subject comes up!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Monarch, I totally know how you feel. DH and I recently had a big to do about the new wedding band I have wanted for the past nine months.

I think we approach gift-giving the way we want others to give to us. Growing up we were always very frugal, but on special occasions our parents would take us on a shopping spree or buy all those things we wanted but hadn''t gotten for ourselves. So I think my approach to gift-giving and shopping is to encourage DH to get the things he needs and wants and wait for him to do the same for me. And of course the end result is that I wait and wait . . . We''ve solved this by making our own budgets more defined, so as long as something is within my budget, I don''t need him to go, "Of course you need new shoes! You should go this weekend!"

And I know what you mean about giving presents that he seems to want. DH will often pick up a new CD for me of a band that I mentioned that I like, but he is really the music lover. It''s not that he wants the CD for himself -- I think he just wants to imagine me as a music lover too, and he would want somebody to get him a CD as a surprise. So I''m glad that he thinks of me and gets me little gifts, but why can''t he think of me and get me a pair of earrings or something?

Ok, as for advice. How will you react if you don''t make your hopes/expectations clear? When DH and I went to France, I waited during the whole 10 day trip to see if he would produce a ring. Finally on the last day I couldn''t stand the suspense and asked him if he happened to have any gifts in his pocket for me like he did the last time when we got engaged. At first he was sympathetic and sorry he hadn''t thought of it, but then it devolved into this big angry fight. Not a nice way to spend your last day in France! In retrospect, I should have just gotten somebody else to tell him what I was hoping (my friend offered, but I thought DH would be upset that it couldn''t be a surprise).

So if you think you''ll just hope for a surprise all weekend and then be horribly disappointed if you don''t get jewelry, you better tell him now.

A lot of this conflict was caused by DH''s understanding of jewelry etiquette: you can''t change your engagement setting or diamond because then it''s not the ring with which you got engaged anymore. And you can''t receive a wedding band on a day that isn''t some super important anniversary (we''re coming up on our 2nd -- he was thinking 5th) because it has to be referred to as an anniversary ring. Last night I told him how people on here upgrade their engagement diamonds to bigger diamonds all the time, and he really seemed confused. I had to point out to him that lots of women have very large diamonds, and probably very few of them could afford such a big diamond upon first getting engaged (unless you''re like Anna Nicole Smith and marrying some much older, rich man). Thus, we can see that many women upgrade their diamonds and yet somehow still call them their engagement rings, since that is what the thin band with the big diamond on it is generally known as. I could see he hadn''t thought of the upgrade angle before and had to adapt his stringent etiquette to incorporate this new knowledge. He decided that the upgrade was ok as long as it was called something other than an engagement ring. Yeesh.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

The keys to successful training are:

Calmness
Consistency
Repetition
...and...

Reward

 

[monarch64]

Thank you all for your responses--they have been very interesting and helpful!

Madame Bijoux, love you advice on training, lol!

The more I think about my situation, the more I think what bothers me most is that DH has taken it upon himself to spend a large chunk of money without consulting me first. Sure, we each have our own accounts for spending, and do not usually consult each other on purchases of a couple hundred dollars or less, but this trip will end up totaling around $900, with the tickets, hotel room for 2 nights, gas $, and spending $!

I just wish he would''ve asked me first, and we definitely need to have a discussion about it so this doesn''t happen again in the future. If I didn''t love jewelry so much, I don''t know if I would have such an issue with the whole thing...he IS trying to make me happy by doing this, and I love him for it, but I''m still disappointed that he seems to be so "forgetful" when it comes to sparkly purchases.

So I''m thinking this opportunity for a new something sparkly may have passed me by...I know it might really hurt his feelings for me to come to him now and say, "but honey, I REALLY wanted some jewelry instead." I think I had better re-submit my wish list NOW so when Christmas rolls around he has no excuses, hee hee.

 

[mrssalvo]

monarch..

I just wanted to say GO REDS

. my hubby is from Chicago but I grew up in Cincinnai so we''ve got a bit of a cubs/reds rivelry going on

. We actually went to a cubs/reds game at Wrigley field a few years ago. Anyway, I hope he comes up with something that sparkle''s for you for your anniversary. There is a Tiffany''s right downtown so you might want to venture over there if you decide to go on a walk

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/17/2006 12:06:24 PM
Author: mrssalvo
monarch..

I just wanted to say GO REDS

. my hubby is from Chicago but I grew up in Cincinnai so we''ve got a bit of a cubs/reds rivelry going on

. We actually went to a cubs/reds game at Wrigley field a few years ago. Anyway, I hope he comes up with something that sparkle''s for you for your anniversary. There is a Tiffany''s right downtown so you might want to venture over there if you decide to go on a walk

Thanks Mrs. S! Another Reds fan, that is so funny because around here (Chicago) people just ask "Sox or Cubs?" They give me very strange looks when I tell them Reds first, Cubs second.

I''m so glad you mentioned that there is a Tiffany''s in downtown Cincinnatti! We are staying at the Marriott on the riverfront (I think it''s on the KY side...that''s what the address says, anyway.) Anway, do you know if it''s within walking distance? Not that we couldn''t take a cab, but it certainly would be convenient to have to pass by old Tiff''s while out for a stroll, lol!

One more question: I currently do not own any Tiffany''s pieces. And honestly, the only item I have ever really loved from there are the tag bracelets, either the heart or round...are they still "in style?" I see a lot of high school age girls wearing them here. I''m 29, so I guess I worry that I will look silly wearing a style the younger gals are wearing now. However, my SIL''s are both in their 40s and wear their bracelets daily, but friends my age who have them aren''t wearing them so much anymore. Please advise!

 

[mrssalvo]

My sister is 27 and wants a tag bracelet. she actually tried them on when we were at Tiffany's last week. To get to the store you'd have to walk across the bridge which is doable but not a short few blocks. But it is right downtown near the Omni and not to far from Sax if I remember correctly. It is in pretty easy walking distance from the stadium, depending on what time the game is

 

[ephemery1]

Poor Monarch... don't feel bad!!! I'd be reacting the same way as you... yes, for the most part, the baseball game trip seems lovely and thoughtful... but my idea of thoughtful gift-giving means something coveted and special, which amounts to more than just a mutual trip or night out. I am a HUGE fan of spur-of-the-moment random gifts... when I'm in a bookstore and see a mini zen garden kit that would be perfect for my stressed out friend, or a funny novelty item in Urban Outfitters that my brother would love. And spontaneous trips are great. But when it comes to special occasions... like significant others' birthdays and anniversaries... I firmly believe the best gift is something they openly want but wouldn't normally buy for themselves. Like jewelry!

My fiance is a semi-creative gift-giver, but often the gifts he is most proud of, actually never get used (one lovely but untouched fondue set comes to mind). His mom, on the other hand, has given me gorgeous jewelry on several occasions... so has he... and those things, I always find a use for!! When I begged for jewelry for my birthday a few weeks ago, he flat-out refused on the principle that it was "boring" and he'd given me jewelry-gifts before.

My theory is, the gift is supposed to be about the receiver... if he knows it's something I want, who cares if HE thinks it's boring!!

ANYWAY, don't feel guilty... it may take a few more future conversations before he starts to understand what your idea of the perfect "gift" really is... but have faith. And in the meantime, enjoy your trip and the fact that you have many more anniversaries to look forward to... hopefully involving sparklies the next time around!!

 

[monarch64]

Quick update: we leave for Cincinnati tomorrow at noon...and this "gift" is actually looking better and better! I should''ve known better than to let my selfish side get the best of me when I first posted this thread.

First, the weather is predicted to be absolutely beautiful--sunny, highs of 80-85 degrees, lows of 60-65 degrees, low humidity. Second, our accomodations are very nice (DH is one of those who doesn''t scrimp when it comes to a nice place to lay your head down at night, hee hee). And third, best of all, I might add...we have "diamond" seats right behind home plate to take in the Reds game Saturday evening! There is also a concert in the "FanZone" adjoining the park right after the game, which we plan to attend. We are going a bit early, in hopes of catching batting practice and possibly an autograph from my personal favorite player, Ken Griffey Jr. I actually have his 1990 Upper Deck rookie card which has been encased in one of those hard plastic thingies since I was 12 years old, LOL! I have a Sharpie marker packed in my handbag already, and I''m crossing my freshly manicured fingers that I''ll get a photo-opp and an autograph!!!

The thought of jewelry is much less important to me now...funny how my feelings have changed, once I realized that the best thing about this anniversary gift is that DH did this just for me (the Cubs are his team, and he knows the Reds have been mine for life), and that we are both just so excited about spending a really fun, carefree weekend together taking in a sporting event about which we are both very passionate. That''s not to say that I wouldn''t still love something sparkly in addition, but if that doesn''t happen I will count my blessings anyway. Still, I hope to come back to this thread next week with SOMETHING fun to show, whether it be an autographed baseball card/ballcap/program/pic, or a piece of jewelry!

Thanks for tuning back in! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Oh, have fun!

 

[monarch64]

Thanks, Tacori!

 

[Sundial]

I''m glad that you are looking forward to your anniversary getaway Monarch! Have a great anniversary and a fun trip!!!