Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Another bridesmaid issue ...

E

EyeElle

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 24, 2008
Messages
251
Hey everyone.

I am a bridesmaid at my friend''s wedding. I am feeling a little annoyed about the cost of the dress and was wondering if or how, I can bring it up to the bride or if its all in my head and if so I need to know before I snap
26.gif


The bride is having a pretty frugal wedding. She doesn''t want to spend alot on the wedding, she isn''t upgrading anything, she isn''t getting colored linens but staying with the basic white her venue offers, she isn''t having any flowers to save money, no decor at all, she is having 2 stag and doe''s to raise more money for the wedding etc etc

So here is my dilemna.

The dress she has picked out for us costs $250.
Now I think in relation to her wedding, that is a bit to much for me to spend on a dress.

Here is how I see it:
She seems to go very inexpensive on anything that she has to spend money on herself (wedding) and yet when it comes to bridesmaid dresses she kind of has this "sky''s the limit" mentality. I kind if take it badly since I see it as if she doesn''t have to pay for it, it doesn''t matter the cost.

It really got to me when she said that her wedding dress costs $600!! And my bridesmaid dress is to cost $250!??
My bridesmaid cost is almost half of her wedding dress!!!


And this is where I need advice. Am I selfish, stingy (whatever word you like) to think that she should not be requesting we pay that much for a dress when she herself isn''t willing to spend money on her own dress and her own wedding??!!!

I have spend $200 on a dress for a wedding I was in last year. I was ok spending that because the bride went all out for her wedding I didn''t want to be the one thing to ruin her vision. So I kind of see it all relative to the bride herself and her willingness to invest. If she doesn''t want to spend the money then why should I have to be forced to?

I bet if she was to pay for our briedesmaid dresses she would pick out an $80 dress, but since I am paying the bill, she doesn''t seem to mind.

To add to this, all the other bridesmaids (4 of them) all are willing to pay that much and don''t think anything of it - except for me.
I know if I say something I will be the odd one out and they might not be to pleased with me, especailly the bride.

I don''t want to upset her or ruin her day but I reall see this as unfair and not sure how to be rational about it.
Do I say something or just spend the money and not say anything.???
 
I can understand why the price of the dress would upset you. If the other bridesmaids are willing to pay for the dress the bride probably won''t change it. Why don''t you approach the bride and tell her money is tight for you right now and ask her if she would split the cost of the dress with you? That would be a good way to assess how she feels about the price!
 
I don''t think you''re being selfish at all. These days money is a big concern for most everyone (clearly the bride is concerned about HER money!). I think you need to speak up and voice your concern over the cost of the dress but do not, I mean, DO NOT bring up the fact that you feel the cost of the dress is our of proportion with the cost of the event. That''s just tacky and yes, does make you appear selfish. I would simply say, "You know Bride, I love the dress, it''s gorgeous, but I''m not sure I can swing the cost of the dress and everything else. Have you price shopped for the dress to find the best deal or could we perhaps look for a similar yet less expensive option?"

You can often get dresses at a discount from places like RK Bridal or Pearl''s Place, maybe you should try calling them with the style number to see if they have it or could get it for less money? Or do some research and try and help the bride find an alternate dress that''s less money? If she refuses to budge, then you''re going to have to make the decision to suck up the cost and go with it or back out of being a bridesmaid.

But again, DO NOT bring your opinion of her wedding planning, priorities, or spending into the conversation. That''s really none of your business.
 
"If she doesn''t want to spend the money then why should I have to be forced to?"

You aren''t being forced to...well, that is based on the assumption that she didn''t come up to you, put a gun to your head, and say, "BE MY BRIDESMAID OR I''LL BUST A CAP IN YO'' FACE!" She asked you to be a bridesmaid because you''re someone she values in her life enough to want you up there with her. Personally, I''d get over it and pay for the dress, provided you can afford it, and if you can''t, then explain to her that while you''re honored she asked you to be a part of her wedding, your finances are too limited to afford the cost, but you''d be more than happy to celebrate with her in another way. I don''t think it''s your right to tell her you have a problem with the cost of the dress in comparison to how much she''s spent on everything else--that''s none of your business, IMO.
 
Thanks for the reply guys.

Hudson_Hawk - I would not, by any means, ever say that to her. I just wanted to be perfectly blunt on here to get everything out there and to explain my view better.

doodle - I know it sounded like I had a problem with how much she is spending and I don''t. Not in the least. She is very open about it all and constantly jokes about how she is the cheapest bride there is and doesn''t care about it that much. I never ask her about costs or anything of the sort.

Its when she talks like that and then turns around and says this is the dress I want and its costs $250, and how excited she is for us to wear it.
I just think that it would be nice for her to give us the same consideration that she is giving herself. If she thinks something it to expensive she will go a different route and yet there is no different route for the BM.

I would normally say something to the bride of course, but the fact the no one else seems to care (or at least is not open about it as even I haven''t mentioned anything to them only on here) I just don''t want to be the bad guy and ruin it for everyone else.

Maybe its still to fresh and I still feel a certain way about it. Pre-mature post maybe lol
 
I can understand being miffed about the cost if she has a general attitude of disregard for your budget, but I agree with others that the cost of her dress and wedding has nothing to do with the cost of the dress. If she was trying to get you to pay for things like your bouquet or meal, then she''d be way out of line, but the cost of the dress is your responsibility. If it is too high for your personal budget, then do speak to the bride about possibly looking for a better deal or a similar dress.

That being said, I am just hoping that my SIL picks a more expensive dress so that I will have a nice material and fit in all the family photos. I am afraid that she will pick something cheap in an effort to save costs for the bridesmaids (recent college graduates), and I''d sooooo much rather pay a little extra money for something nice! She''s really considerate and easy-going and the other bridesmaids are young (in grad school) and look good in anything... so I''m afraid I''m going to end up in an $80 dress with no lining that shows every bump.


Does the dress at least look good on you, or is it something that could easily be found for cheaper?
 
I don''t really think how much she is spending on her wedding is relevant to the cost of the bridesmaid dresses. I mean, there are people who have weddings that cost under $500, but it would be hard to find a decent bridesmaid dress proportional to that, know what I mean? There are people who have platinum weddings, and the bridesmaids aren''t generally showing up in $2,000 dresses. I am sure she found a dress that just looked lovely, she liked, was not over the top in price and chose it.

I agree with others that her priorities, wedding planning, wedding budget, and so on are none of your business. And I don''t think telling her you are upset at the cost of the dress in comparison to what her wedding budget and priorities is (or her own dress was) is at all the way to go about it.

You are not OBLIGATED to be a bridesmaid and it is not at all unusual for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. I would first see if you can find the SAME dress anywhere else for a lower price (i.e. even second hand) and if not, if you really cannot afford it, you can decline to be a bridesmaid and it is alright to tell her that you are concerned about your budget in being a bridesmaid, however, would be delighted to be a guest (and then hopefully you don''t end up spending $250 on a dress to attend...ha ha!).
 
I want to be there for her and I will be a BM regardless.
I am just surprised how this whole thing bugs me and wanted to post to see others views. It could be my paranoya ....

Guilty Pleasure - I am paying for my own bouquet. And the kicker - the BMs have a different florist then she does.
The florist she went with for the BMs bouquets is more expensive then the florist she went with for her own bridal bouquet and the centerpeices.

And this is where these things pop into my head - since I have to pay for my bouquet she went with a more expensive florist. But since she is paying for her own bouquet she went with a cheaper florsit.
(I am sure the question will come up so - I know this because she said it. She said she wants the BMs to have the more expensive bouquet because she feels we deserve to have beautiful, good quality flowers on the day, whereas she doesn''t care to much about flowers so she went with a different one. Nothing more was said about it)

I don''t know - it could be just me reading to much into this, but that is how I see it, I can''t help it. And that is how this whole relative to wedding thing comes from. I would not give it a second though it things didn''t seem so off to me.
 
I was in a similar situation while I was in law school. I simply could not afford a dress that was that expensive. All of the other maids were willing to go with the flow. After I voiced my concerned, a few hours slowly started to agree.

Same thing goes for the wedding that I am currently in. Whenever the bride made an unreasonable request (i.e. the $80 body shaper), I quickly hit reply all and shared my concerns with the group. The other bridesmaid followed suit. My intent wasn''t to gang up on the bride, I actually only knew one of the other bridesmaids, but to have an open forum about it.

Trust me. I''m sure the other brides wouldn''t mind a less expensive dress either.

I agree with HUDSON. Definitely don''t bring up the cost of the dress in relation to the overall wedding budget.
 
uh really???? You are paying for your bouquet? That is SO WEIRD!!!!! This is definitely over the line. Those flowers are decoration for her wedding, and she should be paying for them. OR you should get to buy whatever flowers you want. I am quite capable of making a lovely bouquet out of grocery store flowers for $15 or less and would be angry if I was expected to pay HER choice of florist for HER choice of wedding decor.

I can see how the little things are adding up, and the dress is just an example of an overall lack of concern for you.
 
Date: 5/25/2010 10:45:41 AM
Author: EyeElle
I want to be there for her and I will be a BM regardless.

I am just surprised how this whole thing bugs me and wanted to post to see others views. It could be my paranoya ....


Guilty Pleasure - I am paying for my own bouquet. And the kicker - the BMs have a different florist then she does.

The florist she went with for the BMs bouquets is more expensive then the florist she went with for her own bridal bouquet and the centerpeices.


And this is where these things pop into my head - since I have to pay for my bouquet she went with a more expensive florist. But since she is paying for her own bouquet she went with a cheaper florsit.

(I am sure the question will come up so - I know this because she said it. She said she wants the BMs to have the more expensive bouquet because she feels we deserve to have beautiful, good quality flowers on the day, whereas she doesn''t care to much about flowers so she went with a different one. Nothing more was said about it)


I don''t know - it could be just me reading to much into this, but that is how I see it, I can''t help it. And that is how this whole relative to wedding thing comes from. I would not give it a second though it things didn''t seem so off to me.
Click to expand...

Pay for your own bouquet?! What has gotten into these brides?
 
I'm going to take pretty unpopular opinion here...but here is my side...

This is her day. And if she asked you to be BM, that means you're pretty important to her, it's a honor--but not an obligation. Her choices are her choices...from venue to dress...it's not really your place to say "if you're only spending that, why do I have to spend this"...weddings are incredibly expensive, and although you may see it as frugal event, $250 probably does pale in comparison to the entire shebang that she's spending. They're doing the best they can...try to remember that.

When I was a bride, I has a small bridal party and I footed the bill for pretty much the whole thing. I made certain requests and I felt like-because I could-I should cover the cost of those choices. I was fortunate, blessed really, to be in that position...and I was the exception, rather than the rule.

But, if I hadn't been in that spot, I would have still hoped that my friends would love me enough to come out of pocket for my wedding and not felt resentful of me for having to do so...I would have made different selections, true...but still...

If you're sincerely unhappy about being put on the spot to spend the money...then speak up. Not to us, we're powerless...but rather, put it where it belongs and talk to her. She's your friend, and if you come across as honest and compassionate but put in a pinch, she'll more than likely understand. If you can't or won't spend $250 and you're bitterly going along with this 'obligation' because you 'have' too...then better you shouldn't be in the wedding, because emotions like resentment don't mix well with joy.

I do agree that some of this is unreasonable...like paying for your flowers, but times are changing and maybe in this new economic culture we're living in, that will become normal--who knows.

However, if you take this stance with her...when your turn comes, be sure to remember to practice what you preach.
 
This kind of stuff really bugs me. I believe that if someone wants a certain type of wedding, that person (or their family) should pay for it - not their guests, not their bridesmaids, not whoever. If she wants expensive bridesmaid dresses and bouquets, then she should pay for them. I know it's traditional for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses but it just makes no sense to me.

I would tell the bride that you are on a tight budget and while the dress she picked out is lovely, you're going to need a cheaper alternative or some help with the costs. It's not your fault she's trying to throw a wedding she can't afford.
 
ETA:

Yes, I would find it unreasonable unless it was a dress I really liked and could see myself wearing again. I don't spend that much on my own clothes, forget about a bridesmaid's dress I don't like.

I will say that I found it distasteful to dictate to my loved ones that they need to buy $xxx dress in this colour in this style, which they may or may not like or feel comfortable in, so my bridesmaids are choosing their own dresses, which also allows them to choose their own pricepoints. I know this is common practice though, and often considered part of accepting a role as bridesmaid.
 
So I will look at the situation from the other side. My BM''s dress will be about $250. Those were the dresses that fit my wedding at the best price. I looked at some that were $350 plus. I had 2 bridesmaids tell me mid $250''s is that they expected to pay, 1 objected but bought the dress, and 1 dropped out of the wedding. I am letting them wear shoes they already own, and was going to split hair and makeup with them because it is so darn expensive to get a good artist in Napa. My dress is on the expensive side, and I am having a fairly nice wedding. Not a platinum wedding, but it will be a formal evening affair.

However, I have never herd of a bride making their BM pay for their own flowers. And I have never herd of the BM and brides getting flowers from 2 different places. If I were in your situation, I would bring that one up. Your stuff should be the same quality as hers.

If you say something to her, bring it up once (after talking to the other girls to find out how they feel) and be direct and polite. Do not attack her or her decisions. What made me mad is that the 2 who had issues started making not so subtle comments in their phone conversations and e-mails and one wrote a nasty group e-mail about how "cheep looking" my dresses were for being so expensive. Those actions made them look selfish and like they were putting their own wants before mine to myself and the other 2 bridesmaids.

For the dresses, I would probably not say too much. For the flowers I would state, "you know from what I have read about weddings, it is usually the bride who is responsible for the flowers, is their any reason we are doing it this way?"

I would also ask for all the expenses now. Tell her you need everything upfront. That will hopefully force the bride into thinking how much she is asking of you. Also, if she adds more stuff later, you can say that you thought you already knew about all the expenses.
 
I agree with Italia in that resentment and joy don''t mix; I also think that some of the other bridesmaids might follow suite if you mention that $250 is a lot to pay for a dress.

I don''t think it really matters how much the rest of the wedding costs. Sometimes, its hard to get why people spend money they way they do. My cousin married with a $400 bouquet and $500 makeup. But, her table favors were dollar store tealights and faux roses. But, I don''t think its something you should bring up, at all.

I''d politely, yet directly tell her that $250 is more than you were expecting to spend, and ask if she might consider an alternative solution. Of course, I''d do this only after scouting out Ebay/discount dress sites/bridal boutiques.
 
Date: 5/25/2010 11:38:01 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I''m going to take pretty unpopular opinion here...but here is my side...

This is her day. And if she asked you to be BM, that means you''re pretty important to her, it''s a honor--but not an obligation. Her choices are her choices...from venue to dress...it''s not really your place to say ''if you''re only spending that, why do I have to spend this''...weddings are incredibly expensive, and although you may see it as frugal event, $250 probably does pale in comparison to the entire shebang that she''s spending. They''re doing the best they can...try to remember that.

When I was a bride, I has a small bridal party and I footed the bill for pretty much the whole thing. I made certain requests and I felt like-because I could-I should cover the cost of those choices. I was fortunate, blessed really, to be in that position...and I was the exception, rather than the rule.

But, if I hadn''t been in that spot, I would have still hoped that my friends would love me enough to come out of pocket for my wedding and not felt resentful of me for having to do so...I would have made different selections, true...but still...

If you''re sincerely unhappy about being put on the spot to spend the money...then speak up. Not to us, we''re powerless...but rather, put it where it belongs and talk to her. She''s your friend, and if you come across as honest and compassionate but put in a pinch, she''ll more than likely understand. If you can''t or won''t spend $250 and you''re bitterly going along with this ''obligation'' because you ''have'' too...then better you shouldn''t be in the wedding, because emotions like resentment don''t mix well with joy.

I do agree that some of this is unreasonable...like paying for your flowers, but times are changing and maybe in this new economic culture we''re living in, that will become normal--who knows.

However, if you take this stance with her...when your turn comes, be sure to remember to practice what you preach.
Click to expand...
Ditto completeley. Where I live bridesmaid dresses are $150-$300 so you are right in the range. You can maybe find one for $175 and save a few bucks. I also like what GuiltyPleasure said about quality and looking good in pictures too. I was trying to find my bridesmaids really affordable dresses because I didn''t want to burden them, but they actually insisted on quality over cost.
 
my wedding dress (a Jim Hjelm BM dress) was $200, so yeah, I think a $250 dress for being an actual BM is ridiculous!!
 
Paying for your own bouquet!!? and a 250$ bridesmaid dress. I would certainly have a problem with that!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top