Another FMIL Topic.

[Dannielle]

Bit of background- FI is one of 3 brothers, and he is the oldest. FI is 24, brother 1 is 21 and brother 2 is 18. Brother 1 is part of our friendship group, he and FI are quite close- because of this, FI has asked brother 1 to be in the bridal party. So our bridal party is made up of brother 1, and two of FI’s friends, his friends partners who are my closest friends and a good friend of mine from high school. This gives us 6 people, 3 on each side, 3 couples- Perfect!

Anyway.. on to the story. FI and I are very fortunate that his Mum has offered to give us $7,000 towards our wedding. This is a GREAT help and we know that amount of money is substantial for her. However, she has started making “requests” and I’m getting a little bit worried that because she is giving us money she thinks that she gets to make the decisions? For example, she wants us to have cupcakes instead of an actual wedding cake. This doesn’t bother me to much and I want her to feel included in the planning process- but she has asked (told?) us to do one thing that really bothers me. She wants brother 2 and his girlfriend to be in our bridal party.

We have two problems with this:
1. FI and I are not close with brother 2 or his GF, and do not want to ask them out of obligation
2. We have already asked our bridal party so that would mean adding another couple, and having a bridal party of 8 for a small, intimate wedding of 40-50. This is added cost and alot more messing around trying to co-ordinate more people.

FI said that he will talk to his Mum about it but she was very set on brother 2 being in the bridal party. She even suggested bumping our friends and just having FI’s brothers

I have a feeling that she isn't going to budge on this and it is going to get ugly.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach FMIL about this?

 

[Haven]

The nasty thing about accepting money from others is that it often comes with strings attached. Fair? No. Fact? Usually.

I would really consider whether this is a battle you two wish to have with FMIL. It sounds like you don''t want to let brother 2 be a part of your BP, and that is your prerogative. However, just be very certain that this is something you feel strongly about before you go ahead and potentially get into it with FMIL. For whatever reason, these things can cause great divides among family members during wedding planning.

If it were me, and if I didn''t want brother 2 in our BP, I would come up with another role for him in the wedding. Also, has your FI talked to this brother? Maybe *he* doesn''t even care either way, and if FMIL knew that, then that could ease this entire situation for you. And if he *does* really want to be involved, well, I''m not sure I would want to exclude him, in that case.

Good luck!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

These FMILs! I can see how you might give in and include your fiance''s brother, but his GF? That is a little much. I agree with Haven- check to see how involved the brother wants to be and if he wants to be involved find another role for him to be able to participate.

 

[Elmorton]

While I agree 100% with Haven's post, I gotta say... brother and girlfriend + bridal party that represents roughly a 1/5 of your entire guest list? Seems a little strange to me. Ditto the idea of finding something else for them to do (Ushers? Usher and a reader? Both readers?) and talking to bro2 before starting up with FMIL.

...still..the girlfriend...REALLY? Sigh. Anyway, just remember to take it easy and slow when talking to FMIL (oh, and make sure it's your FI and NOT you who has this discussion with her) because weddings make people get strange ideas and she's probably just dealing with other feelings (wanting family unity, wanting to be involved, wanting to see her sons look like adults together - who knows). A conversation for you to have with her to sidetrack her from this bizarre request might be something like "I've been thinking about this centerpiece versus this centerpiece (or insert another wedding detail that you don't care a whole lot about here). What do you think?"

 

[blackpolkadot]

I don''t know any history here, but it seems weird that she wants his GIRLFRIEND to be in your wedding in a year and a half. What happens if they break up?

 

[Dannielle]

Thanks for the advice so far guys! I love the idea of the reading

Haven: It probably is best to talk to his brother to see how involved he wants to be.. but to be honest part of me is worried that he wants to be a groomsmen and if he vocalises that we have to have him? *Feels like a massive B*tch*

Jersey: I am preparing myself for a life of requests from FMIL and step FMIL

Ugh!

Elmorton: We are going to a Bridal expo together in a few weeks but I will not mention anything about this- I think your right, this can be FI''s battle. I already feel like our bridal party is to big for our wedding size.. another couple is just ridicolous

 

[allycat0303]

Danielle:

USHERS!! That''s what the position was made for. We have 3. Yeah 3. That''s how I managed to escape from having 1 FBIL and sister''s husband in the wedding party. My cousin is also an usher, because FMIL wouldn''t tolerate my cousin being a groomsmen, eventhough my fiance WANTED him to be a groomsman.

 

[cocolaw]

Date: 6/7/2009 10:44:52 PM
Author: blackpolkadot
I don''t know any history here, but it seems weird that she wants his GIRLFRIEND to be in your wedding in a year and a half. What happens if they break up?

ditto! they could break up before the wedding, throwing off your plans....or right after and then you have this random girl in all of your wedding photos and memories. sounds like a bad idea to me!!

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 6/8/2009 8:25:52 AM
Author: cocolaw

Date: 6/7/2009 10:44:52 PM
Author: blackpolkadot
I don''t know any history here, but it seems weird that she wants his GIRLFRIEND to be in your wedding in a year and a half. What happens if they break up?

ditto! they could break up before the wedding, throwing off your plans....or right after and then you have this random girl in all of your wedding photos and memories. sounds like a bad idea to me!!

His GF lives with FMIL, hubby and brother 2. She has lived there for about 18 months- so she is very close with FMIL.

Ally- My FMIL issues do not even compare to yours! I''m so sorry you have to deal with all her ****

I actually feel really bad for even posting this.. she is a lovely lady and I know she only has the best intentions.. but still.. eh.

 

[KatyWI]

I''m going to go ahead and say that it was probably not the right decision to exclude him from the bridal party in the first place. It seems awful to me to ask one brother and not the other, even if he IS younger. Family''s family, you know?

That said, IMO the gf has no right to be in the wedding party. What if they break up? I understand she and FMIL are close, but you can say "We just don''t feel comfortable asking her to stand up with us since we are not close to her and they are not engaged or married." She is not family yet.

So if you have another friend you could ask, or female family member, you could even it out that way. (Or not. We may be adding someone to FI''s side at the last minute... and the balance doesn''t matter so much to me as letting him have his closest friends around him on that day.) I''ve seen bigger BPs at small weddings, and it just means you have more wonderful people who are willing to stand up for you! What''s so awful about that?

For the sake of peace in the family in the present and the future, especially considering your FMIL''s generous gift, I would definitely include him.

 

[Izzy03]

I actually agree with KatyWI on this one. I just got married and had to deal with everyone elses annoying opinions so I think I know a little bit about letting the bride have her way. However, when my brother gets married I will be pretty hurt if I am not asked to be a bridesmaid.

I think you should talk to the younger brother and ask him if he would like to either be in the wedding party or have some other job. However, I don''t think the gf should be in the bridal party. Even if they were married I would still say she has no business in there!

 

[Kelli]

Bummer. My brother and his wife are not in my bridal party either. Not because I''m not close with him, but because I''m pretty sure he wouldn''t care to be, and I had no problem not being in theirs recently. I suppose if someone was giving me a large amount of money and really wanted him to be in it, I wouldn''t have a problem with it. But he''s married, not just with a girlfriend. That''s a toughie. That is, unfortunately, a side effect of accepting money from people though. My fiancee and I are doing a less than formal wedding, but happily paying for it ourselves so no one else gets to tell us what to do.

Anyway, it does seem unreasonable that his GIRLFRIEND should be in all of your wedding pics. It seems they''re pretty young and with that comes a higher possibility of a break-up. I hope your FMIL will come around.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:07:15 AM
Author: Izzy03
I actually agree with KatyWI on this one. I just got married and had to deal with everyone elses annoying opinions so I think I know a little bit about letting the bride have her way. However, when my brother gets married I will be pretty hurt if I am not asked to be a bridesmaid.

I think you should talk to the younger brother and ask him if he would like to either be in the wedding party or have some other job. However, I don''t think the gf should be in the bridal party. Even if they were married I would still say she has no business in there!

+1 here. FI''s brother is 5 years younger than him (just about to graduate high school) and 9 years younger than me but I would never imagine leaving him out. I don''t think he really cares either way but we both knew it mattered to FFIL and FMIL so we never gave it a second thought. We figured this might be a way for the two of them to get a little closer.

 

[LadyBlue]

I will include his brother, not just because the money, becuase he is family and he will be there forever.

 

[Dannielle]

Hmmmm.. I see what people are saying about family being there forever.

We have already told our bridal party we will be paying for all their expenses (our friends are mostly students/partners support their student partner etc) and that is already going to be breaking the bank. If we decide to include brother 2 and GF is it rude to ask them to pay when we are paying for everyone else?

This situation is so akward

 

[KimberlyH]

I agree with those who stated it''s awkward/odd that the one brother was left out (unless he requested not to be in the bridal party or he and your FI have had a major falling out). I would use some of the money being given by your future in-laws to cover their costs and include them in the bridal party.

 

[Gypsy]

I''m with Haven, BUT have a couple of questions.

Who will be walking FMIL down the aisle (her husband?) If there is no husband, can her other son do this? IF NOT, can he be a reader instead of an attendant? Give him a nice reading, he''s in the ceremony, and BAM! And can his girlfriend be your guestbook attendant or something else? They can both be Ushers as well.

Family IS forever. You can''t get rid of them. And this is NOT worth resentment for the rest of your lives.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 6/8/2009 8:55:37 AM
Author: KatyWI
I''m going to go ahead and say that it was probably not the right decision to exclude him from the bridal party in the first place. It seems awful to me to ask one brother and not the other, even if he IS younger. Family''s family, you know?


That said, IMO the gf has no right to be in the wedding party. What if they break up? I understand she and FMIL are close, but you can say ''We just don''t feel comfortable asking her to stand up with us since we are not close to her and they are not engaged or married.'' She is not family yet.


So if you have another friend you could ask, or female family member, you could even it out that way. (Or not. We may be adding someone to FI''s side at the last minute... and the balance doesn''t matter so much to me as letting him have his closest friends around him on that day.) I''ve seen bigger BPs at small weddings, and it just means you have more wonderful people who are willing to stand up for you! What''s so awful about that?


For the sake of peace in the family in the present and the future, especially considering your FMIL''s generous gift, I would definitely include him.

Ditto. Even though I''m not huge on family in general (I know from experience they can make themselves so horrible that you legitimately don''t want them in your life), it still seems mean to include one brother but not the other. I agree with you on the gf though - that seems a bit excessive. I do think it would be probably good to at least find the other brother a role in the wedding of some kind.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 6/8/2009 7:24:55 PM
Author: Dannielle
Hmmmm.. I see what people are saying about family being there forever.

We have already told our bridal party we will be paying for all their expenses (our friends are mostly students/partners support their student partner etc) and that is already going to be breaking the bank. If we decide to include brother 2 and GF is it rude to ask them to pay when we are paying for everyone else?

This situation is so akward

Yes, I''m afraid it would be rude (because word would get out and you''ll end up looking like
the bad guy)...take it out of the $7k.

 

[Dannielle]

It seems the general consensus is to have him in the bridal party.. and I can see where everyone is coming from. I think that is just going to be the easiest option. Unfortunately the $7,000 just covers the cost of our reception so we will have to find the money elsewhere but we have plenty of time until we need to start purchasing the bridal party attire.

Just to clarify why one brother was asked and not the other. Brother 1 and FI are best friend whereas Brother 2 and FI don''t really get along. They are total opposites.. at family functions there is a real akwardness because Brother 2 thinks FI is a ''conformist'' and ''only cares about money'' because he has a degree and has a strong work ethic. FI thinks brother 2 is a ''lazy mooch'' because he has been finished school for a year and doesn''t have a job/study

Regardless of this though, I am starting to see that sometimes its easier just to bite your tongue and do what your told.. Now just to convince FI that this might be a battle not worth fighting