another money question

[godaime]

We recently got engaged and started to plan our wedding. My parents offered to help out with the wedding and so did my fiance''s parents. Since we plan to have a year engagement, we need to start booking things asap. When your parents said they would help out... when did they exactly hand over the $$. My fiance doesnt think his parents will give the $$ anytime soon. Can anyone give me an idea when I should be expecting the help to come?

 

[Pandora II]

I think you need to ask them - it''s not like there are rules!

 

[oshinbreez]

Do parents actually give cash to the couple or just make payments to the vendors?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/2/2007 9:50:43 AM
Author: oshinbreez
Do parents actually give cash to the couple or just make payments to the vendors?

I think it depends. Our parents are just handing over checks and letting us pay everyone. On the day of my father will have the rest of the vendor checks to pay, but they will have been written out by me. But both sets of parents are contributing so we figured this was the easiest way to handle things.

But I think most parents don''t do this and are more likely to just pay vendors as the need arises.

 

[cara]

There is a big cultural difference. All 4 parents (both sets divorced) agreed to contribute to some extent. My parents gave specific amounts they said they would contribute, and when I mentioned a year out from the wedding that we were putting down deposits, they were like, "Oh do you want the money now?" My mother promptly mailed off her entire contribution and was done. My father mailed half and promised the rest the summer before the wedding. Its clear they have the exact amount they promised in their heads.

My fiances parents are just different, and it took me a while to adapt. They promised a certain amount initially, but its not clear that they remember this amount now or have any deadline in their head. They mail off little checks to us occasionally. They are both being completely generous but its not clear if these little checks will add up to the amount that they initially promised and that we were doing budget estimations with. For a while I was completely stressing until I realized that I just can't count on them to be treating it in the same way my family did. I looked at the rate of occasional checks coming in and adjusted our budget to that, and we are trying to make sure that we have enough in the bank to cover all the wedding expenses before booking a honeymoon.

My FMIL also is covering a few items directly, which is just what she wants to do and is a great relief especially when some item gets upgraded and we don't have to worry about paying for it! On other fronts, she is throwing money towards things that we wouldn't have prioritized but if it makes her happy that's great.

As to advice for you, you need to have some certainty that the promised amounts will actually materialize and when. I would tell your respective parents that you have to put deposits down soon and would appreciate an installment. But also really firm up their overall contribution IF you will be counting on it and signing the contracts yourselves. If they are going to pay vendors directly, especially on the big items like catering and venue, it makes a bit more sense for them to sign the contracts directly. This way they know what they are on the hook for. However this makes all the planning more intricate as you put parents in critical decision making roles... I much prefer the check route, except when one of the mothers wants to splurge on something they are "responsible" for. Then I like that I don't see the bill!

 

[monarch64]

My experience with this is that I called my dad after we announced our engagement and my parents told us they would either help us out with costs or give us a lump sum to help with a down payment on our first house, and told him what it would cost for wedding venues we''d looked at and were considering. That way he and my mother knew what they were in for, so to speak. We chose three sites that were good, better, best, and I told him the cost of a reception at all three, and also told him we would pay for bar costs, the officiant, and photography, so we just needed help with the reception costs. He and my mother decided they would pay for my dress, half of our flower costs, and the reception. It worked out so that we purchased my dress first, then they paid for our deposit on the reception site prior to the wedding (I think a month before), and then sent the reception site a check for the balance a week before the wedding as requested by the site. The florist was paid a couple weeks before by a check from us and a check from my parents.

DH and I put a 20% deposit down on our photographer fees probably 3 months before the wedding and paid the balance when we went to get our proofs shortly after. Our cake was made by a gal who works in DH''s office and he paid her the $100 (I know, we got a great deal!) before the wedding. Everything else wedding-expense related we paid for as we went...his tux, my shoes and underpinnings, jewelry, wedding bands, etc. HTH

 

[labbielove]

you really need to get specifics,
explain to them that you have to book asap and will be needing at least deposit $$

 

[jesterjigger]

My parents are giving us $6,000 and C''s parents are giving us $5,000. My parents so far have paid all of the deposits (photographer, cake, venue, band, officiant, flowers) and my dress. My mom has also bought the bowls for the centerpieces as well. My dad gave me his cc number to order my dress/veil/slip/headpiece. I''m not sure what C''s parents are planning on doing to donate their share of what they have said they''ll give. My mom has been with me for talking with every vendor so far, so she has just whipped out that checkbook, lol.

 

[lehcarm]

My parents and FIs parents get along pretty well. They''ve decided to just keep track of everything they each spend, and will get together after the wedding and sort everything out.

I agree that you need to set up an arrangement specific to YOUR situation. Chanced are, your situation will be completely different than any of ours.