Another moving in together thread. Not the usual topic though.

[Magpie09]

Hey ladies

Just venting a bit and wondering if i could get some advice about my current situation as i don''t really know what to do.

Recently the topic of moving in together has come up between my Bf and I (I initated the talk). It went well and moving in togther would be convenient financially and give us the ability to see each other more often as we are both very busy and find scheduling a little difficult sometimes.

The problem is that my Bf doesn''t want to move in together because he''s scared that what we have now will change and that the relationship will change (unfavourably i assume) and i don''t know what to say to that as i cannot really guarentee anything. Just have faith in us that even if things do change they do so for the better or that we work them out.

Has anyone had any experience in this or have any advice? I know i really can''t promise anything and my Bf has to decide this on his own but still i''d like to reassure him that our relationship might not change at all.

 

[NakedFinger]

Eeek. We'll I'm a firm believer in living together before marriage, because it definitely preps you for it. You get to experience spending more time together, handling bills, keeping up a home, chores, and seeing each other outside of your normal "date mode".

So if he is concerned about things changing, its kind of a red flag for how he views marriage would be as well. If he is concerned about things changing, how is he going to handle marriage, kids, etc? You cant keep things the way they are now forever or your relationship will never progress and you two will never have a future together. Have him think of it that way. A funny statistic....women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they wont change!

Truth is, if you live together and experience a great domestic partnership, not much will change once you get married. Hopefully not too much will change when you move in together (assuming you were your true selves dating, and didnt put on any fronts or walked on eggshells until now). However, he is correct some things will change. Its inevitable. Better to see whether you guys can deal with it now then before you get married I say. But assuming it will change for the worse isnt right on his part. Will it be different? Yes. Will be bad? Not necessarily. My SO and I just grew as a couple moving in together, and solidified our relationship. But living together is definitely a learning experience. You find out a lot about each other. Good and bad. Just let him know its worth it!

Show him this

:Living in Sin VS Living with a Wife

 

[misskitty]

What kind of change do you mean? A pressure to get engaged, or what?

If you do get married, you''re going to be living together at some point, so I guess I''m wondering what kind of change he expects that would be any different from living together once you''re married.

 

[Magpie09]

Date: 8/5/2009 10:13:09 PM
Author: misskitty
What kind of change do you mean? A pressure to get engaged, or what?

If you do get married, you''re going to be living together at some point, so I guess I''m wondering what kind of change he expects that would be any different from living together once you''re married.

Because when you live together things always chnage it is not the same as just seeing each other twice a week when not living with each other. I don''t know exactly what changes he expects but i guess a change in how well we get along now. We have yet to have a fight or proper argument. Sure we have dissagreements but we communicate well so issues tend to get discussed early on.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If he''s not ready, he''s not ready. Like with most things in life, you cannot push someone into something they aren''t prepared for...if you do, it spells disaster.

I believe in living together before you get married...but thats me. I think it''s really helpful to a relationship to experience someone day in and day out, you can''t keep much hiding when you''re all over each other every single minute of spare time--if he leaves huge globs of toothpaste in the sink, you''ll find out ASAP. I also understand that this is very "new age" and isn''t traditional--well, it''s becoming more common, but it still isn''t for everyone. I wouldn''t take back living my now DH...I learned a lot and it was a really solid experience. But I can see how if you''re not "there yet" it can be really bad and stressful and do more harm than good.

I think that maybe you should pursue baby steps with him. Stay together weekends, longer periods of time. Ease him into it. It''s not a race, and there is no for sure finish line. Don''t push him into things he doesn''t 100% want...it''s bad for you as a couple.

 

[purselover]

Date: 8/5/2009 10:40:26 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If he''s not ready, he''s not ready. Like with most things in life, you cannot push someone into something they aren''t prepared for...if you do, it spells disaster.

I believe in living together before you get married...but thats me. I think it''s really helpful to a relationship to experience someone day in and day out, you can''t keep much hiding when you''re all over each other every single minute of spare time--if he leaves huge globs of toothpaste in the sink, you''ll find out ASAP. I also understand that this is very ''new age'' and isn''t traditional--well, it''s becoming more common, but it still isn''t for everyone. I wouldn''t take back living my now DH...I learned a lot and it was a really solid experience. But I can see how if you''re not ''there yet'' it can be really bad and stressful and do more harm than good.

I think that maybe you should pursue baby steps with him. Stay together weekends, longer periods of time. Ease him into it. It''s not a race, and there is no for sure finish line. Don''t push him into things he doesn''t 100% want...it''s bad for you as a couple.

I think this is great advice, going from seeing each other 2 days a week to 7 can be overwhelming the more time you''re able to spend together now the easier the living together transition will be.

 

[Magpie09]

Date: 8/6/2009 9:48:03 AM
Author: purselover

Date: 8/5/2009 10:40:26 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If he''s not ready, he''s not ready. Like with most things in life, you cannot push someone into something they aren''t prepared for...if you do, it spells disaster.

I believe in living together before you get married...but thats me. I think it''s really helpful to a relationship to experience someone day in and day out, you can''t keep much hiding when you''re all over each other every single minute of spare time--if he leaves huge globs of toothpaste in the sink, you''ll find out ASAP. I also understand that this is very ''new age'' and isn''t traditional--well, it''s becoming more common, but it still isn''t for everyone. I wouldn''t take back living my now DH...I learned a lot and it was a really solid experience. But I can see how if you''re not ''there yet'' it can be really bad and stressful and do more harm than good.

I think that maybe you should pursue baby steps with him. Stay together weekends, longer periods of time. Ease him into it. It''s not a race, and there is no for sure finish line. Don''t push him into things he doesn''t 100% want...it''s bad for you as a couple.

I think this is great advice, going from seeing each other 2 days a week to 7 can be overwhelming the more time you''re able to spend together now the easier the living together transition will be.

I couldn''t agree more, unfortunately our schedules don''t allow us more than 2 days a week together.

 

[princesss]

Here''s the thing:

You can''t promise things won''t change. You will argue. You will fight. You''ll get annoyed by stupid little habits you didn''t know existed. He''ll move the furniture, you''ll change the towels, and both of you will find hair in the drain that couldn''t possibly be yours (stubble in the sink, hair in the shower). It''s going to take adjusting.

But you also get to wake up together, go to bed together, and see each other after a long day of work. You get to be there for good days and bad days and boring days. And that''s going to happen at some point if you get married. If he''s not ready, he''s not ready. But if he doesn''t want to do it because he''s afraid things will change - well, honey, things change every day. You''ll fight and argue whether you live together or not. Your relationship will change whether you expect it and want it or not, and telling him it won''t is a flat out lie.

BF and I lived together for 3 months, and it definitely changed us. We got into a nice routine, and saw the best of each other and the worst of each other (well, really, the worst of me). And it changed things, but we understand each other and ourselves better because of it. He moved out (we''d agreed it would only be short term until he got things together and got a job and his own place), and things have been great. But I will say, I''m looking foward to living with him again. It changes things, for sure. But in a great relationship, it changes for the better.

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t "believe" in living together, or not. I think couples need to make decisions about what is best for them, and it will be different for every couple.

You can''t reassure him your relationship won''t change, because it will. Living together, married or not, is a big life transition filled with both good and bad experiences. I love living with my husband, but it wasn''t easy making the leap; of course I''m glad we were married and I wouldn''t change a thing, but it was an adjustment. For some it''s not such a big deal, but it is different and things will change. This doesn''t mean it''s the wrong choice, it just means you both should be prepared to adjust to those changes. It sounds like he''s not ready and there''s nothing you can do to make him get there except talk to him about his hopes and fears and work together to come to a conclusion that is satisfying for both of you.

Best of luck.

 

[shertz1981]

I will say that I am really happy that SO and I lived together before we began our ring quest.

I will also say that I was hesitant, for the same reasons as your SO, but I was proven wrong. It was so much easier to develop our relationship when we didn''t have to worry about logistics like who would stay with whom, and when, and what stuff would be brought over from the other place.

We also got cats.

But, we were seeing each other really frequently before we moved in, so that eased our transition.

Bottom line ... if you''re both ready and excited for it, moving in can be a great way to ease some of the stress out of your relationship. But if someone isn''t enthusiastic, it''ll be hard, because there''s nowhere to escape when you''re living with someone.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/6/2009 9:48:03 AM
Author: purselover

Date: 8/5/2009 10:40:26 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If he''s not ready, he''s not ready. Like with most things in life, you cannot push someone into something they aren''t prepared for...if you do, it spells disaster.

I believe in living together before you get married...but thats me. I think it''s really helpful to a relationship to experience someone day in and day out, you can''t keep much hiding when you''re all over each other every single minute of spare time--if he leaves huge globs of toothpaste in the sink, you''ll find out ASAP. I also understand that this is very ''new age'' and isn''t traditional--well, it''s becoming more common, but it still isn''t for everyone. I wouldn''t take back living my now DH...I learned a lot and it was a really solid experience. But I can see how if you''re not ''there yet'' it can be really bad and stressful and do more harm than good.

I think that maybe you should pursue baby steps with him. Stay together weekends, longer periods of time. Ease him into it. It''s not a race, and there is no for sure finish line. Don''t push him into things he doesn''t 100% want...it''s bad for you as a couple.

I think this is great advice, going from seeing each other 2 days a week to 7 can be overwhelming the more time you''re able to spend together now the easier the living together transition will be.

+1

 

[Erinleigh]

Argh! Princess - stubble in the sink is my nemesis!!! Haha, it''s FFs worst habit by far
That being said, we''ve lived together for 2.5 years now (been together 4.5 total), and moving in was the best thing we could have ever done for our relationship! Things definitely change! You learn all the little weird things about your SO, but honestly, it''s brought us closer, made us more comfortable, and strengthened our relationship more than I could have thought it would. I''m a huge advocate for living together before marriage, and would recommend it to everyone!

 

[brendaman]

I always believed in living together and not necessarily marriage. FI didn''t at believe in living together. However, I became unemployed, and some time later the condo I was renting was being sold, so I needed a place. Other friends offered to put me up, but I asked then BF if I could live with him "temporarily". Our agreement was that after I found a job, I would look for my own place. Well, six + years later, we''re planning our wedding.

We did have some rules of engagement/living together:
- never go to bed angry (we have broken this rule once, but have to count is as we made up at 3am?); and
- identify and be clear on how expenses are to be divided (this is a constant item different expenses always will pop up, e.g. household maintenance).

My sister lived with her husband for four years, and even though they were committed to their relationship, it was not certain that they were going to get married. She moved out of his house and after about a year of this arrangement, she said that if they didn''t become engaged by end of year (in 8 months), she would start making arrangements in January to move back to be closer to family. It worked out anyway as he already intended on proposing and did so a few months later.

My other sister lived with her BF for 10 years (they were togther for 15), and it took her 2-3 years to gather up the strength and finances to break up and move out. Her BF was not really surprised (by that stage of their relationship, they were more like brother and sister), and they have remained friends.

So, if your BF is ready and willing to move in together. Be clear about each other''s expectations. Perhaps you could have an agreement to evaluate the situation in a year''s time. As others have suggested, you could also move gradually into spending more time there (weekends, etc.).

Oh, and BTW, yes, living together DOES CHANGE things. It changed us. It changed our family and friends. It changed our finances. In our case, it was all for the better!!

 

[katomm]

I personally believe living together before marriage is not a good idea but I ended up doing it because BF would never even consider marriage without it.

Initially, the first couple of months were a little rough in trying to get a routine going and get all my stuff in. After that it''s been GREAT!! He''s really an easy person to live with and now 4 months in we''ve refinanced the house into both our names and are getting ready to paint it

 

[Magpie09]

Update!
Thank you for all the replies. It really helped when i spoke to him about the issue. Basically he sees moving in together as the next step in our relationship and isn''t quite ready to make that decision right away. I''m actaully shocked and may actually make it to the Liw list this year

. There are still some issues with change that he needs to work through but they have more to do with how his friends changed once they moved in with their girlfriends/ wives and how they socialise less and go out less

(tried to reassure him that won''t happen as don''t mind him going out and wouldn''t mind having the place to myself to watch chick flicks or dance around to music without getting looked at weirdly). Still a little shell-shocked that the M word came up during our discussion as he is in his early 20s and it means that we are on the same page in regards to our relationship.

Thanks again

 

[purselover]

Sounds like a good update, glad the talk went well!

 

[PrincessDijon]

Good deal! Glad the talk went well. I moved in with my ex-FI too soon and it ended up in disaster and us breaking up...I am actually just moving back in to my own place in the next few weeks! PLEEEEEEEASE proceed with caution....and I ditto everything Italia said!