another newbie-need advice

[Kem]

hi everyone, so far I have only posted in the diamond forums because my boyfriend and I are looking at rings for a proposal (hopefully) soon after I graduate, which will be this June. I guess I was reluctant to post because my situation is different than a lot of people here. I am not waiting for him to propose, he basically already has without the ring, we are just waiting for circumstances to get better, we both need to graduate.

My problem is more with his family and the idea of a wedding. I don''t know if this is even the right place to post, but I am just so upset thinking about the wedding, or lack of. I don''t really get along with my boyfriend''s family and I am upset because I don''t want to get married in front of these people who don''t like me and don''t want to get to know me or love me but just wrote me off so fast. I''d rather elope with just the two of us then have a whole fake smiley wedding when everyone there knows it isn''t genuine. I keep imagining his mother crying as I walk down the aisle because she doesn''t want it to happen. I am afraid, even though we are about to get engaged, that this is the wrong decision. I don''t want to pit him against his family but they''ve been so hurtful to me and I am thinking at this point maybe we shouldn''t even get engaged until this calms down. family infighting tears families apart, i''ve seen in firsthand with my own family. but I honestly consider my boyfriend the love of my life and i get even more angry at his parents for ruining that feeling for me and making me question.

even my friends yell at me for being so unforgiving and harsh about his parents, but I can''t help it! I have been someone who has had huge struggles with self esteem and knowing his parents have said to him almost word for word that I am "not good enough" is something I just can''t deal with. especially since i want nothing more than to be close to his family. my mother is not big into ceremonies and weddings, just not her thing, so i always imagined my boyfriend''s mother looking for dresses with me and thinking about wedding colors and seating arrangements and being all excited with me. and his mother is the type to do that sort of thing, just not with me. and now i feel like the only reason i want to get engaged so quickly is to "stake my claim" on him and show them that they can''t get rid of me, which is just awful of me. when I am thinking rationally i realize that getting him to "choose me" over them is not a solution, even though he has said he will. it doesn''t help that i feel like his parents are uneccessarily controlling and hard on him and just make him feel so bad about himself when he is such an amazing person (i admit I am biased).

Sorry for the long post, but I just need to hear from people who aren''t yelling at me for causing trouble between my boyfriend and my family when that is not what I want to do at all! I feel like no one understands just how badly this whole thing has hurt me. Even if I am just being too sensitive, Words of wisdom would be so appreciated- just don''t tell me to walk away, because I won''t. And sorry again if this is the wrong place to post this type of rant- I just want to vent to somebody who understands!!

 

[KimberlyH]

You give no indication as to why there is so much turmoil between you and his family, that makes it hard to give sound advice.

If you are pushing engagement to "stake your claim" as you say, I say stop. Even if your boyfriend is going along with it. It is not a healthy way to begin a marriage, it''s hard enough without the turmoil. And he may end up resenting you later on if getting engaged/married means isolation from his family.

You say your friends tell you that you are being unreasonable, listen to them, the love you and want what is best for you. You cannot help that you feel hurt, but you do control how you react, what you do and say, and that is what really matters. Most people struggle with self esteem at some point in their lives, it''s not an excuse for being unforgiving and resentful. Life is way too short to spend it harboring resentment.

If his parents are controlling it''s because he allows them to be, and if they are hard on him it is, in all likelihood out of love, even if you don''t see it that way.

I''m not telling you to leave him, but I am telling you to take your time, don''t push getting engaged and married, see if there''s a way to work things out so that when that time comes it''s a happy occasion for everyone, including his family. Try forgiveness, it''s a wonderful thing and could change how your b/f''s mom views you.

 

[Kem]

i honestly have no idea why his parents have a problem with me. i have been nothing but nice to them and then they are nice to my face... even if it seems slightly fake, and lecture my boyfriend about me behind my back, which i only know because he has such a bad poker face and, masochist that i am, i drag it out of him. i am perfectly willing to be forgiving, I honestly just want everyone to get along. i don''t know if his parents even know how much I know about their feelings toward me. my boyfriend says that they would hate whoever he ends up dating and it''s not personal, but that just doesn''t make sense to me, especially since he a grown person. i am just completely confused as to what i have done to deserve their poor opinion. my boyfriend had some trouble in school last semester, but his grades are more a reflection of the difficulty of his classes, although he is so smart i also don''t completely understand it. I made him go to his classses, helped him with his work, quizzed him before exams, and i feel like maybe i am getting blamed for his poor grades anyway, because his parents didn''t take the time to ask him what happened, or didn''t believe him that i had nothing to do with it.

i am not exactly pushing engagement to "stake my claim," in fact he is just as excited about getting engaged as I am and my original excitement was just at the idea of being with this person for the rest of my life because we are genuinely happy together. It''s just that I am all of a sudden anxious about getting an actual ring, something that didn''t mean as much to me before, because i want to send a signal to his parents that this is serious and that maybe they should try to get to know me a little better before they pass judgment. my parents love my boyfriend and have had him over, talked to him, he has come with us to my little brother''s baseball games... his parents maybe just aren''t as open and friendly and i am intimidated by them, which makes me feel like i am giving them an even worse impression of me. when his parents came to visit him last i made sure it was when i was traveling because i am afraid to see them and end up crying in front of them.

 

[KimberlyH]

It sounds like the two of you are determined to get married and don''t want to get to the bottom of the issues that exist with his parents (your avoidance of them, etc.) so the best I''ve got is that you and your b/f need to establish some ground rules now about his parents involvement in your
life now and in the future. That could mean that he always visits them without you, or whatever, but make sure you come to a clear understanding that both of you agree to about how these relationships will function so there is no resentment and anger.

You need to stop digging for information from him about what they say about you. It only hurts your feelings and again, it sounds like no one is seeking resolution, so you''re just pouring salt on a wound for no reason.

 

[mirre]

Could it be that they don''t like you because they don''t know you... maybe they never gave you a chance for whatever reason and with you not going around when he does that isn''t giving them a chance to really get to know you also.

Is he an only child? I think many parents of only children have a hard time "letting go" this could be the case if his mom is used to having him to herself and now would have to "share" him with another woman. Maybe she''s upset that you''ll be the one to take care of him for the rest of his life and she won''t be? If that''s the case it''s most definately not you... it would be that way with any girl.

Have you ever seen Monster-In-Law? It kind of sounds like you''re going through what she went through.

Even if it''s hard for you to forgive them for what they''ve said maybe try to ACT like you have. Invite his mom for lunch show her you aren''t going anywhere and that he really does mean the world to you, that you would never do anything to hurt him, his grades, etc. I know it would probably be hard for you at first but my advice would be to let one of his parents get to know you at a time... maybe it''s not his mom maybe it''s his dad and he is influencing her decision? Maybe it''s the other way around? If she''s cooking dinner one day maybe offer to help her? Try little things at first... maybe if they see that you are trying they''ll try too.

Whatever happens... He obviously loves you and and wants to marry you so his parents haven''t had any influence on his feelings toward you!

Don''t call off the engagement... you''re already planning on waiting on a ring anyway so there''s really no reason to call it off. Don''t second guess being with him... that means that his parents have won and they''re probably trying to run you off for whatever reason... maybe they''re scared you''ll hurt him.

I don''t know if this is a good idea or not... I don''t know that I could do it.... BUT if you really have no clue and he doesn''t either as to why they dislike you... try asking them. Something like "Have I done anything to offend you?" "If so I''d like to make up for that..."

I hope everything works out well for you and you end up having a very happy engagement... with ALL the family involved and happy too!!

 

[louisvgirl]

Like they said, don''t ask him what they do or don''t say about you anymore. This only builds the resentment that you have already towards his family. Just let it go. I think that there has to come a point, where your BF needs to say just "stop, I don''t want to hear it anymore." If he lets them talk and talk and talk, well then they will. I feel bad for him, because he loves you and has to hear them saying these things about you. I''m sure it hurts him. You''re right about having this "two-face" wedding.
I speak from someone going through something similar to your situation. I don''t like his family(only his dad) and I know they don''t like me either. They still can''t get past the fact that he divorced his ex-wife and has moved on with his life. They''re the types who believe in staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids, no matter what. I don''t like and avoid going to their family functions, which I''m sure they notice and only makes things worse. But why am I going to be a hypocrite and be around them. So because of all this, my BF has started to stick up for us when his mother starts on her,"oh your poor kids". HE''S TIRED OF HEARING IT. AND SO AM I. I don''t mean to sound like a b@#!%, but enough is enough already. this is why we have planned to have a destination wedding in the bahamas. He is not inviting them, because he doesn''t want to get hurt when they say they''re no going. So he''s psyching himself for them not to go PERIOD. My mom and dad will be going. He''s basically going to tell them about a month or maybe the weekend before, that we''re going to the bahamas to get married. If he were to tell them after we get engaged, forget it. He doesn''t want to go through all those months of them telling whatever more they want to say. So needless to say, when we do get engaged, they will not know until later. My BF doesn''t need to go through this. I don''t need to hear them ....... It''s just better this way.
I know it''s hard because you want them to like you and you want it to be all harmonious,,but the reality of it is,, maybe one day it will..but more likely it won''t. You could take off a lot of the pressure with a destination wedding..."oh your not coming....you will surely be missed" Just a thought!! Hang in there, I know it''s tough

 

[Kem]

thanks for the advice. i think you are right and I need to stop asking him what they say about me. It does just sort of rub salt in the wounds and make me more angry, which doesn''t help. I am still holding out hope that things will work out, especially once his parents realize that i love him and want the best for him just like they do. he is not the only child but he is their oldest and only boy, so i imagine it is hard for them to let go. and thanks for the well wishes, i appreciate it!

louisvgirl, i am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation! my boyfriend is planning on talking to his family about it when he goes home for thanksgiving so he can do it face to face. its hard for him and i hate to push him to confront them though, so i am glad he decided on his own it was time. is that part of what makes you mad, the fact that his family is making it so hard for him to be happy? the thing that worries me more than anything is that I know I make him happy, but I also realize I am part of the reason he is fighting with his family and in that sense I make his life so hard and I feel so guilty! I feel like I would care less what they said about me if it didn''t upset him so much, it''s awful to be at odds with family. I am glad to hear that you seem to be making the best of it though. my boyfriend and I have discussed eloping, it would save a lot of money and it is sort of what I realized I wanted anyway underneath the little girl wedding fantasy, to get away and be alone with him and not have to deal with the stress and drama that often goes along with a big wedding (and we both have BIG families) and then we might do a party/belated reception once we get home. it sounds like you have found a similar solution and a bahamas wedding sounds amazing (and it''s great that your family gets to go

i am close with my parents too and i am so lucky I have them supporting me and my boyfriend through this)

 

[louisvgirl]

Wel good, you''re right, why add more salt to the wound. The fact of the matter is...there may not be anyone good enough for their son....so be it. Only you and him know. what''s right. I know exactly what you mean about the little girl dream wedding fantasy..but wouldn''t the pictures look awesome along the beach!!! Yes it will definitely be less expensive...there are all inclusive resorts that provide the ceremony for free,,and then we can honeymoon right then and there. All I want is a nice dress,,then again don''t have to spend a lot of $$$ because many people won''t see it. why spend 25k on a wedding..I''d rather have a nice ring..we thought about the party thing when we got back....but first things first...we need to get engaged first..still working on that...and still doing homework on the destination resort for now. What''s important to me is that my mom and dad are there. Unfortunately your mom is not one for this, but maybe she''ll surprise you with dress shopping . He''s told me that he doesn''t want to deal with scheduling their flights, hotel, ceremony, what they''re going to wear, etc....although i think these are excuses,,,it''s ok....he''ll be less stressed out..again why do I want to be thinking the whole time....i know you don''t want to be here...I know you don''t care for me....your probably thinking my dress is ugly...etc...we don''t need that. I just want to marry him, have a great time, and come back with beautful memories,, and pictures!!!