Another question about kids at the reception

[Iowa Lizzy]

Hey gals.

I''ve got an etiquette question. As much as I''d like to have an "adults only reception" my family would kill me if my little cousins and second cousins weren''t invited. Is it necessary to invite EVERYONE''S kids or can I just invite family with children.

For example, S and I both have co-workers and friends with children. We don''t have to invite their children, do we? I mean, I haven''t even met some of these people''s kids. Where do you draw the line? I''d hate for some of my co-workers to show up, see my younger family members and get ticked off that their kids weren''t on the invitation.

Is is okay to only have children who are relatives and not everyone''s kids? Our guest list would have to be cut dramatically if we were inviting whole families. I''m confused.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I worked around it by having all the immediate family kids (i.e, his direct nieces and nephews) involved in the wedding. So it was adult only except for wedding participants (flower girls, ushers, readers, etc). People understood, since if we had invited everyone with kids, our list would have grown by at least 50.

Regardless, I think as long as you are consistent with the rules, people will understand. I don''t think I''d be angry as a coworker unless another coworker had their kids invited.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Hmmm... this happened in reverse to my sister. She didn''t want kids, but her husband''s best man brought both of his anyways- they were the only 2 kids there. My dad was peeved, b/c his own grandkids weren''t invited, and then the best man''s kids showed up.

So, you might risk upsetting some people. However, at least they won''t be ticked until they GET to the wedding, and I would be shocked if they confronted you about it there. If they confront you about it later, just tell them that your family "didn''t get it" and that you''re sorry for the confusion.

I''m not sure what actual etiquette says, though...

 

[Haven]

You may invite whomever you please, and you don''t owe any of your guests explanations as to why you didn''t invite their children. In fact, it would be rude of them to confront you about it and demand an explanation, anyway.

We invited only the children of family and very close friends. If we invited all of our friends'' children that would have added a lot of tables to our reception, and we just plain couldn''t fit it into the budget. I loved having kids there, I made them colorful little buckets of fun things to do, and we set up a table for the kids with the buckets and coloring things. They loved it, and they kept out of everyone''s hair, so their parents loved it, too.

 

[caribqueen]

I did a lot of research on this and found that etiquette dictates that you should be consistent. So we cut it off with bridal party kids. But I don''t see anything wrong with immediate nieces and nephews if it''s important to you for them to be there. In the end it is your wedding, so I say do whatever feels right, without being mean. I don''t know how close you are to your co-workers, but they''re not family and in my mind it''s not the same thing. I''m guessing you''re probably more acquainted with the kids in your family then the kids of your co-workers. I think if you choose not to invite the children of your friends and co-workers, you shouldn''t have to explain to them why their kids aren''t invited. One thing I found and am trying to do with this whole planning process, is to not sweat over the small stuff. When you make a decision, stick to it and move onto to the next challenge.

 

[meresal]

We only invited family children and those of very close friends.

Actually most of our friends were looking forward to a reason to get out and have a good time and wanted to leave their kids at home. We knew this ahead of time, and so we weren't expecting their kids anyway.

The people we had trouble with were my IL's friends, and them wanting to being their adult kids and their gf/bf's.

However, I have a feeling that MIL had ALOT to do with this...

 

[iheartscience]

We only invited the children of our family members. I had my 8 nieces and nephews come and my husband''s cousin brought their kid from out of state. They were all very well behaved at the wedding and reception, and their ages ranged from 8 months-8 years. (My two oldest nieces were my flower girls.)

My angelic (8 months old at the time) nephew who NEVER cries actually started crying right before I was about to walk down the aisle, and my SIL left with him immediately so there was no disruption at all. I knew my family would make sure the kids were well-behaved, so I really wasn''t worried about it.

For the invites I didn''t do anything special-I just wrote the names of the people who were invited on the invitations and luckily they got the hint!

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 12/2/2009 10:03:05 PM
Author: caribqueen
I did a lot of research on this and found that etiquette dictates that you should be consistent. So we cut it off with bridal party kids. But I don''t see anything wrong with immediate nieces and nephews if it''s important to you for them to be there. In the end it is your wedding, so I say do whatever feels right, without being mean. I don''t know how close you are to your co-workers, but they''re not family and in my mind it''s not the same thing. I''m guessing you''re probably more acquainted with the kids in your family then the kids of your co-workers. I think if you choose not to invite the children of your friends and co-workers, you shouldn''t have to explain to them why their kids aren''t invited. One thing I found and am trying to do with this whole planning process, is to not sweat over the small stuff. When you make a decision, stick to it and move onto to the next challenge.

I agree with caribqueen on this one - you do need to be consistent, or else it''s rude. When I planned my wedding, I only invited the people with I was happy to host their children as well - that included family and friends.

I just replied to another post with this story, and my reaction to this type of wedding:

The only time that I was really annoyed was when I attended the wedding of one of my best friends who did not specify whether or not children were invited on the invitation. None of us with kids knew whether they were invited (it was an 11 am outdoor casual ceremony, and the reception was from 12 - 3 pm at a farmhouse). Not wanting to be inappropriate, I sent my friend an email to ask her if children were allowed to attend - no answer. Then I called and left her a message, letting her know that I needed to know either way for child care arrangements. Still no response. So, we decided not to bring our son, just in case it was a no kids allowed affair (even though I thought that was kind of hippocritical since the bride was 6 months pregnant - if she gets to bring her kid ... )

Anyway, so we get to the wedding, and as it turns out, she allowed some children, but only children of family members, not friends. I had a problem with the way she handled it for two reasons - first of all, since I had inquired twice what the child policy was, I thought that it was really rude that she never called back to let me know. Secondly, I think that it''s really crappy to say that half the guests can bring kids, and the other half have to shell out for babysitters. It should have been either all or none. Talking to other guests with kids, we were not the only ones irritated by how the bride handled it.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Date: 12/2/2009 9:59:47 PM
Author: Haven
You may invite whomever you please, and you don''t owe any of your guests explanations as to why you didn''t invite their children. In fact, it would be rude of them to confront you about it and demand an explanation, anyway.


We invited only the children of family and very close friends. If we invited all of our friends'' children that would have added a lot of tables to our reception, and we just plain couldn''t fit it into the budget. I loved having kids there, I made them colorful little buckets of fun things to do, and we set up a table for the kids with the buckets and coloring things. They loved it, and they kept out of everyone''s hair, so their parents loved it, too.

I was hoping you''d show up in this thread, Haven! You''re like the resident etiquette guru.

I think I will just invite whole families of those who are related to us and just couples for everyone else. Our venue only holds 200 so I just really can''t invite everyone''s children without drastically cutting our invites. My parents are footing the bill and when I tested the waters and said something to my mother about having an adults only reception, and it met with a firm "that would be a mistake." If any friends or co-workers want an explanation, I''ll just tell them that due to the size of the ballroom, we are only able to accommodate children we are related to.

 

[zoebartlett]

We just invited children of family members only, and it worked really well. I spoke to friends before sending out invitations and let them know that as much as I''d love to see their children, it wouldn''t be possible for us to include them. We did have two babies there who weren''t family, but they needed their moms during the reception for feeding purposes. Everyone understood.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 12/3/2009 6:31:35 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 12/2/2009 10:03:05 PM

Author: caribqueen

I did a lot of research on this and found that etiquette dictates that you should be consistent. So we cut it off with bridal party kids. But I don't see anything wrong with immediate nieces and nephews if it's important to you for them to be there. In the end it is your wedding, so I say do whatever feels right, without being mean. I don't know how close you are to your co-workers, but they're not family and in my mind it's not the same thing. I'm guessing you're probably more acquainted with the kids in your family then the kids of your co-workers. I think if you choose not to invite the children of your friends and co-workers, you shouldn't have to explain to them why their kids aren't invited. One thing I found and am trying to do with this whole planning process, is to not sweat over the small stuff. When you make a decision, stick to it and move onto to the next challenge.

I agree with caribqueen on this one - you do need to be consistent, or else it's rude. When I planned my wedding, I only invited the people with I was happy to host their children as well - that included family and friends.


I just replied to another post with this story, and my reaction to this type of wedding:


The only time that I was really annoyed was when I attended the wedding of one of my best friends who did not specify whether or not children were invited on the invitation. None of us with kids knew whether they were invited (it was an 11 am outdoor casual ceremony, and the reception was from 12 - 3 pm at a farmhouse). Not wanting to be inappropriate, I sent my friend an email to ask her if children were allowed to attend - no answer. Then I called and left her a message, letting her know that I needed to know either way for child care arrangements. Still no response. So, we decided not to bring our son, just in case it was a no kids allowed affair (even though I thought that was kind of hippocritical since the bride was 6 months pregnant - if she gets to bring her kid ... )

Anyway, so we get to the wedding, and as it turns out, she allowed some children, but only children of family members, not friends. I had a problem with the way she handled it for two reasons - first of all, since I had inquired twice what the child policy was, I thought that it was really rude that she never called back to let me know. Secondly, I think that it's really crappy to say that half the guests can bring kids, and the other half have to shell out for babysitters. It should have been either all or none. Talking to other guests with kids, we were not the only ones irritated by how the bride handled it.

This should have been a non-issue. If the invitation does not say "...& Family", the children are not invited. It is actually quite rude to pester the bride by emailing and calling to ask if you could bring your children. Brides are under enough pressure from family members and financial constraints. To have a friend begging (and I am not saying you Vesper...I'm having an issue with someone who's supposed to be in our bridal party)to bring their children to the wedding is not a fun thing to have to handle.

 

[zoebartlett]

Vesper -- I don''t think it was rude at all that you tried to get in touch with your friend. You needed to make arrangements, and I think that''s acceptable.

The only thing I disagree with is what you said about it being rude that some kids are allowed to weddings/receptions and some aren''t. I think for many people, it comes down to a budgeting issue (for us it did). We would have loved to invite all of our friends'' children to our wedding, but we couldn''t afford to. We kept it to family members (cousins'' children) because our family is from out of state, and it would have been too hard for them to travel such a long way without their kids. I did feel terrible about having a cut off point, but it was essential for us. I expressed that to a few close friends before the wedding, and they were actually psyched to get away for a few days without their kids.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 12/4/2009 6:05:07 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 12/3/2009 6:31:35 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 12/2/2009 10:03:05 PM

Author: caribqueen

I did a lot of research on this and found that etiquette dictates that you should be consistent. So we cut it off with bridal party kids. But I don''t see anything wrong with immediate nieces and nephews if it''s important to you for them to be there. In the end it is your wedding, so I say do whatever feels right, without being mean. I don''t know how close you are to your co-workers, but they''re not family and in my mind it''s not the same thing. I''m guessing you''re probably more acquainted with the kids in your family then the kids of your co-workers. I think if you choose not to invite the children of your friends and co-workers, you shouldn''t have to explain to them why their kids aren''t invited. One thing I found and am trying to do with this whole planning process, is to not sweat over the small stuff. When you make a decision, stick to it and move onto to the next challenge.

I agree with caribqueen on this one - you do need to be consistent, or else it''s rude. When I planned my wedding, I only invited the people with I was happy to host their children as well - that included family and friends.


I just replied to another post with this story, and my reaction to this type of wedding:


The only time that I was really annoyed was when I attended the wedding of one of my best friends who did not specify whether or not children were invited on the invitation. None of us with kids knew whether they were invited (it was an 11 am outdoor casual ceremony, and the reception was from 12 - 3 pm at a farmhouse). Not wanting to be inappropriate, I sent my friend an email to ask her if children were allowed to attend - no answer. Then I called and left her a message, letting her know that I needed to know either way for child care arrangements. Still no response. So, we decided not to bring our son, just in case it was a no kids allowed affair (even though I thought that was kind of hippocritical since the bride was 6 months pregnant - if she gets to bring her kid ... )

Anyway, so we get to the wedding, and as it turns out, she allowed some children, but only children of family members, not friends. I had a problem with the way she handled it for two reasons - first of all, since I had inquired twice what the child policy was, I thought that it was really rude that she never called back to let me know. Secondly, I think that it''s really crappy to say that half the guests can bring kids, and the other half have to shell out for babysitters. It should have been either all or none. Talking to other guests with kids, we were not the only ones irritated by how the bride handled it.

This should have been a non-issue. If the invitation does not say ''...& Family'', the children are not invited. It is actually quite rude to pester the bride by emailing and calling to ask if you could bring your children. Brides are under enough pressure from family members and financial constraints. To have a friend begging (and I am not saying you Vesper...I''m having an issue with someone who''s supposed to be in our bridal party)to bring their children to the wedding is not a fun thing to have to handle.

I completely agree. It really bothers me how some parent''s have this sense of entitlement when it comes to their kids. THey have this attitude that since their world revolves around their kids, so should everyone else''s. If the bride and groom want 10 kids at their wedding and that does not include your kid, too bad. If you don''t like it don''t go.

My former BM and best friend basically went psycho on me b/c I told her she could not bring her kids. She was furious and said she woudln''t come to the wedding without them so I said "if you feel that way, don''t come" It sounds harsh but she said some pretty crazy things to me. I don''t know her kids (I''ve met them twice) so I don''t want them there.

 

[noelwr]

Date: 12/2/2009 9:59:47 PM
Author: Haven
You may invite whomever you please, and you don''t owe any of your guests explanations as to why you didn''t invite their children. In fact, it would be rude of them to confront you about it and demand an explanation, anyway.

amen

 

[mayachel]

Date: 12/7/2009 5:49:10 AM
Author: noelwr

Date: 12/2/2009 9:59:47 PM

Author: Haven

You may invite whomever you please, and you don''t owe any of your guests explanations as to why you didn''t invite their children. In fact, it would be rude of them to confront you about it and demand an explanation, anyway.

amen

Agreed. And, I think that it is a completely different thing to not invite coworker''s children as it is my understanding that they are the one exception to mandatory spouse/SO/date inclusion (as long as it is uniform). It is likely they wouldn''t expect to bring their children unless you are involved in their children''s lives beyond the occasional fundraiser at the office.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/3/2009 9:51:09 PM
Author: Travel Goddess

Date: 12/2/2009 9:59:47 PM
Author: Haven
You may invite whomever you please, and you don''t owe any of your guests explanations as to why you didn''t invite their children. In fact, it would be rude of them to confront you about it and demand an explanation, anyway.

We invited only the children of family and very close friends. If we invited all of our friends'' children that would have added a lot of tables to our reception, and we just plain couldn''t fit it into the budget. I loved having kids there, I made them colorful little buckets of fun things to do, and we set up a table for the kids with the buckets and coloring things. They loved it, and they kept out of everyone''s hair, so their parents loved it, too.

I was hoping you''d show up in this thread, Haven! You''re like the resident etiquette guru.

I think I will just invite whole families of those who are related to us and just couples for everyone else. Our venue only holds 200 so I just really can''t invite everyone''s children without drastically cutting our invites. My parents are footing the bill and when I tested the waters and said something to my mother about having an adults only reception, and it met with a firm ''that would be a mistake.'' If any friends or co-workers want an explanation, I''ll just tell them that due to the size of the ballroom, we are only able to accommodate children we are related to.

Ha ha! I just have a nerdy interest in all things etiquette.

I think your plan sounds perfect. You absolutely do not have to either invite all children or no children, that suggestion is neither realistic nor would any etiquette maven worth her salt advise such a policy. Your guests should understand that your family is hosting this celebration, and as the hosts you crafted the guest list with everyone''s best interest in mind.

Enjoy the rest of your wedding planning!