Another scenario for LIW about input on having children

[pyramid]

I know that a lot of you LIW are waiting on the engagement ring and I know this is a normal function of a relationship and not just on this board.

A question came to my mind the other day though.

Do any of you ladies in waiting or any other ladies can comment here to, think that when you decide to actually have children you will have to go through something of the same again then. I mean would some of you feel you are the one deciding to have the child and he is just accepting or would you be waiting for him to propose this to you at that time? I know you would probably have mentioned prior to engagement about whether you want children or not but when it comes time (presuming you were going to have them) will it be the same sort of scenario as waiting for an engagement? I know in previous times this would not have occurred but with birth control now, the decision has to be made sometimes. So how do you come around it in a romantic sort of way.

 

[poptart]

Personally, I really don''t think that there will be any issues with having children when the time comes. Of course, there were no engagement delays either... I think that most people have probably talked these things through with their SOs and so they are on the same timeline. We had a little scare a couple months back though, and he didn''t even skip a beat. Just said, oh... ok. Luckily it didn''t turn out that way though. The more I think about it, the more I do see how this can turn in to an issue. Good question... ya got me thinking!!

Marisa

 

[JulieN]

you can always use the biological clock argument

 

[anchor31]

Good question! Although I''m no longer a LIW, I''d like to answer.

When I met my FI almost 4 years ago, he was 21 and he already knew he wanted 3 children. Once in the past four years he mentioned that he''d like to have his first before 30. I''m over 3 years younger than him, so I''d have to be 26 or less, so I told him I wasn''t sure I''d be ready to have a child by 26... If he was to have his children with me, he might have to push back that timeframe a little. Of course, only time will tell, but it''s definitely not going to be an issue for me. It might even be the other way around and he''ll be getting impatient!

I''m very curious to see what others have to say about this aspect as well...

 

[Julian]

Usually it''s when you are around a baby...really cute baby. And you both look at each other with eyes shining and full of excitement for "one day!"

Maybe you could both spend time with a couple who has really adorable children. We always get really excited around our cousins, who have babies. After we play with them, the talk on the drive home is always about how exciting it will be when we have babies, too.

I''m so excited, but not quiiiiiiiiiite ready. Maybe in a year or two! But it''s fun to imagine. So my advice would be to spend time with his friends who have kids. It really is quite romantic to talk about your dreams for a family together. More love to go around.

 

[partyjewels]

Well like Anchor, my bf has mentioned not wanting to wait very long to have children, I'm looking forward to having children with him, but not right now. Of course we have a 6 year difference, and he's nearly 30, so maybe he has a clock ticking himself, a lot of his friends have either been getting engaged, married and some are already starting to have kids, he gets all cute and excited and starts making comments about our kids to which I'm like oh shoot! I left them in the car again?! So he's already excited about it happening in the future but I know he's not ready right now, and that's fine because I know that I couldn't handle a baby right now, I'm trying to go back to school and I still work my full time job and at only 21, I know I couldn't deal with it all. I'm not as strong as some of the other women I know.

But on the flip side of him wanting to wait still for a while...I also know that he wants to have a baby right away after we get married... whenever that is..(I actually asked him last night when he wanted to start having kids and he held up two fingers, so maybe I'm not in for much of a wait after all considering..) but I'd like to have some time in-between getting married and having kids, and I've made that very clear, so we'll probably compromise a little on the time frame. I guess we'll see what happens when we're there, but since we've already talked about it a lot it I don't think it should be too much of a waiting game as far as both of us wanting to make it happen

Julian is right though, every time someone at work brings in their little kids, I send the bf an e-mail, 'can we have a baby now?!' lol. But all I have to do is spend the evening with my nephews and I'm back to being able to wait a few years

Just realized I didn't answer about going about it in a romantic way....I think that when you know both of you want it, it can be very romantic, all you have to do is turn to them one night and whisper in their ear something about lets make a baby! Of course if you're on the pill or another form of bc that you have to actively decide to stop taking it so you can start trying, it could be a little trickier. One of my friends is recently pregnant (yay!) and she had been wanting to try again for a while, so she went about it in a.... "oh look, it's my last pack of pills... maybe now would be a good time to start trying again?" and her hubby sort of just shrugged and said "ok" is basically how she said it went down, but now that she's about a month, he's really excited about it as well, he told us all the other day, did you know our baby is the size of a lime right now?! It was adorable!! He had the proudest smile on his face

So once you get that part out of the way, I think anyway you go about it can be very romantic (you're starting a family together!) as long as you're not making it into a chore!

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m not sure about how to make the subject romantic, although it is somewhat inherently romantic just like engagement.

IMO, the roles are totally reversed when it comes to deciding when to have kids. This is in the woman''s court, not the guy''s. The fact that A) we''re the ones to physically have the kid, and B) we''re the ones with the biological clock, makes the timing of childbirth more our decision than his. Of course he has to want kids in general, but quite frankly you should know if you''re on the same page long before you''re engaged let alone married.

Of course age does play a factor in this. I''m 34 and will be a few months from 35 when we''re married, despite that I''ve already told my fi that (if we decide to have them) I would want to wait until we were married a few years before starting a family. He seems perfectly fine with this since he''s younger than me and appears to be under the happy illusion that it''s just as easy for a woman to have a kid at 40 as it is at 30!

Why do I have the feeling that my mother and I may be taking a trip to China in the future?

So in summary, the one who has to wait for the other to decide on when is the guy! The simple fact of the matter is that you don''t have to be in your thirties to have your biological clock be the deciding factor. It''s a whole lot easier to be pregnant at 26 than 36!

 

[anacgarcia]

Date: 10/30/2006 10:41:55 AM
Author: IndieJones
IMO, the roles are totally reversed when it comes to deciding when to have kids. This is in the woman''s court, not the guy''s. The fact that A) we''re the ones to physically have the kid, and B) we''re the ones with the biological clock, makes the timing of childbirth more our decision than his. Of course he has to want kids in general, but quite frankly you should know if you''re on the same page long before you''re engaged let alone married.

I think it''s not just the woman''s decision, i think it''s couple''s decision, because even if you have to have in mind the biological clock you also have yo be financially and emotionally stable to decide to have kids. In my case we want babies right away, we''ll wait just like 3 months because we have new year''s vacations planned and i want to be able to enjoy, but i know some couples that have decided to wait because their relationship is not so good, or because they think they don''t have enough money to spend on hospital and stuff..

 

[partyjewels]

Date: 10/30/2006 12:07:16 PM
Author: anacgarcia

Date: 10/30/2006 10:41:55 AM
Author: IndieJones
IMO, the roles are totally reversed when it comes to deciding when to have kids. This is in the woman's court, not the guy's. The fact that A) we're the ones to physically have the kid, and B) we're the ones with the biological clock, makes the timing of childbirth more our decision than his. Of course he has to want kids in general, but quite frankly you should know if you're on the same page long before you're engaged let alone married.

I think it's not just the woman's decision, i think it's couple's decision, because even if you have to have in mind the biological clock you also have yo be financially and emotionally stable to decide to have kids. In my case we want babies right away, we'll wait just like 3 months because we have new year's vacations planned and i want to be able to enjoy, but i know some couples that have decided to wait because their relationship is not so good, or because they think they don't have enough money to spend on hospital and stuff..

I agree that it's not just the womans choice here. It's your child together, and if one of you isn't ready, sure, you could go ahead and have a baby, but you'll get very stressed out if the other partner isn't fully on board once that little bundle of joy comes into the world, at least I would think so!

I know some couples like that as well that waited for those reasons or others, and definately I think that if your relationship is rocky you should wait. Especially because alot of times if your relationship isn't 100% you'll have more problems when you have your first child (at least thats what all the articles say!). A new addition to a family can cause alot of stress even when you are at 100% to begin with, so you don't want to risk weakening your relationship more by pushing to have a baby before both parties are really ready. Also, if you don't think you have enough money to spend on the hospital and all that jazz, thats a good reason to wait too. It's not like getting engaged where you can wait as long as you want to have the wedding, and kids are expensive!!! Of course, if you feel like you can't wait, but your partner still needs a few years, that's definately something you should discuss long before engagement, which I think someone else said before as well. A while after M and I started dating we got serious pretty quickly and he made it clear that he wanted children and if I wasn't able to give them to him, he couldn't stay with me. Because no matter how much he loved me, he knows he wants children and he would never be fully happy if he had to give that up for me. Maybe it sounds a little harsh, but I was glad he was upfront about his wants.

ETA: I just realized that IndieJones didn't say it was entirely up to the woman, and maybe the ball is a tiny bit more in our court, because after all, it is the womans body that has to endure the phsyical changes that happen during pregnancy.

 

[Tigerbear]

In my experience they are not the same at all. My DH and I had a major hurdle to cross before we got married (mostly culturally related). We then concieved two weeks after the wedding. He is every bit as excited as me! I''m 35 years old and he really wants three children so we knew we wanted to start trying right away. Now I just want this little one to get here.

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, I was reading the question to mean that do we sit around and wait for the guy to say 'Let's have kids now!' like so many of us have had to sit and wait for the guy to propose marriage. I know my fi felt very strongly that the proposal/engagment was solely in the man's domain.

I was making a few assumptions. For us we had discussed marriage and both really want to be married, we had also disscussed a general timeframe. The exact time within that was his decision.

So in carrying over the analogy, I was assuming that those things would be true even more so regarding the question of children. That it would already be mutually agreeed upon wether or not to have kids and that the general time frame would also have been mutually agreed upon through several discussions. I was also assuming that the relationship would be very strong and happy.
Obviously the decision to have kids and generally when is one both of you have to make together. I meant that the more precise time to start trying within that time frame is more the woman's decision than the man's, and in no way is it up to just the guy to bring it up. Of course it's not a unilateral decision, I'm sorry if I made it sound like it was.

 

[njc]

We have always known we wanted kids and knew we wanted to wait and at some point 30 was agreed upon as a nice age. Anytime the topic would come up, DH would get nervous and jokingly say “no kids” and I would always tell him, I’m the one in control of the birth control and that I had a lot more restraint than he did Fast forward to last v-day and he tells me that next year we would start trying… HUH??? That’s a whole 2-3 years ahead of the plan! Needless to say I panicked a little and got him to agree to pushing it back one more year, but now we are back to his original plan…

So for us, I kinda pushed the engagement and he kinda pushed the kids (eventually), so its funny how things happen. We were both ready to get married, he just needed that little push and now we are ready to have kids, but I just need the little push!

 

[Larissa]

Not so much for children, neither of us want them, but any other life decisions, yes, I think that one party can be ready before the other party.

I''m ready to buy a home right now. He isn''t. We barely have the money, but could make it work. He wants to wait another 1-3 years.

I''m from the US, he''s from the UK. We chose to settle in the UK with a chance to move back to the US in the future. I think, when the time comes, we will have differing opinions on when the "right" time is.

Every relationship is compromise, give and take, and a chance for someone to wait if the other person in the relationship isn''t quite there yet.

 

[musey]

I don't think so... like others have said, engagment is a big "hurdle" (mostly because of our age and my expensive taste in rings

) but he's said many times that he wants two kids and wants them before he's 30 (we both do). If anything, I think he'll be the one saying "so... is it time yet?"


"...is it time yet?"

Man, that guy loves babies. He and my mom are the only two people I know who get legitimatly distracted from conversation whenever they spot one!


Edited to add that while it won't be a hurdle like engagement for my guy, I'm sure for MANY men it will be a very similar situation!!

 

[ljmorgan]

I''m engaged now, and me and the fiance have talked about when we''ll have kids. I don''t think you have to bring it up in a "romantic" way -- to me it''s just a normal discussion. Sometimes when we see babies we''ll talk about "wonder when we''ll have kids" but other times we''re like "man, so glad we don''t have kids!" I asked him recently when he wanted to have kids and he said "whenever you want, after the wedding!" which is in two months. Haha... I''m thinking in two years or so we might be ready.

 

[anacgarcia]

Date: 10/30/2006 2:02:22 PM
Author: IndieJones
Well, I was reading the question to mean that do we sit around and wait for the guy to say ''Let''s have kids now!'' like so many of us have had to sit and wait for the guy to propose marriage. I know my fi felt very strongly that the proposal/engagment was solely in the man''s domain.


I was making a few assumptions. For us we had discussed marriage and both really want to be married, we had also disscussed a general timeframe. The exact time within that was his decision.


So in carrying over the analogy, I was assuming that those things would be true even more so regarding the question of children. That it would already be mutually agreeed upon wether or not to have kids and that the general time frame would also have been mutually agreed upon through several discussions. I was also assuming that the relationship would be very strong and happy.

Obviously the decision to have kids and generally when is one both of you have to make together. I meant that the more precise time to start trying within that time frame is more the woman''s decision than the man''s, and in no way is it up to just the guy to bring it up. Of course it''s not a unilateral decision, I''m sorry if I made it sound like it was.

I think i missunderstood

anyways.. what I''m thinking.. it''s kinda strange, I really don''t like kids, I mean I''m not like all excited when I see one, but I really want to have MY babies!!!! I can''t wait

only 8 months more...

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 10/31/2006 9:12:46 PM
Author: anacgarcia

Date: 10/30/2006 2:02:22 PM
Author: IndieJones
Well, I was reading the question to mean that do we sit around and wait for the guy to say ''Let''s have kids now!'' like so many of us have had to sit and wait for the guy to propose marriage. I know my fi felt very strongly that the proposal/engagment was solely in the man''s domain.


I was making a few assumptions. For us we had discussed marriage and both really want to be married, we had also disscussed a general timeframe. The exact time within that was his decision.


So in carrying over the analogy, I was assuming that those things would be true even more so regarding the question of children. That it would already be mutually agreeed upon wether or not to have kids and that the general time frame would also have been mutually agreed upon through several discussions. I was also assuming that the relationship would be very strong and happy.

Obviously the decision to have kids and generally when is one both of you have to make together. I meant that the more precise time to start trying within that time frame is more the woman''s decision than the man''s, and in no way is it up to just the guy to bring it up. Of course it''s not a unilateral decision, I''m sorry if I made it sound like it was.

I think i missunderstood

anyways.. what I''m thinking.. it''s kinda strange, I really don''t like kids, I mean I''m not like all excited when I see one, but I really want to have MY babies!!!! I can''t wait

only 8 months more...

Anny, are you pg?? Congratulations!!

 

[anacgarcia]

Date: 10/31/2006 10:28:30 PM
Author: gailrmv

Date: 10/31/2006 9:12:46 PM

Author: anacgarcia

Date: 10/30/2006 2:02:22 PM

Author: IndieJones

Well, I was reading the question to mean that do we sit around and wait for the guy to say ''Let''s have kids now!'' like so many of us have had to sit and wait for the guy to propose marriage. I know my fi felt very strongly that the proposal/engagment was solely in the man''s domain.



I was making a few assumptions. For us we had discussed marriage and both really want to be married, we had also disscussed a general timeframe. The exact time within that was his decision.



So in carrying over the analogy, I was assuming that those things would be true even more so regarding the question of children. That it would already be mutually agreeed upon wether or not to have kids and that the general time frame would also have been mutually agreed upon through several discussions. I was also assuming that the relationship would be very strong and happy.


Obviously the decision to have kids and generally when is one both of you have to make together. I meant that the more precise time to start trying within that time frame is more the woman''s decision than the man''s, and in no way is it up to just the guy to bring it up. Of course it''s not a unilateral decision, I''m sorry if I made it sound like it was.

I think i missunderstood

anyways.. what I''m thinking.. it''s kinda strange, I really don''t like kids, I mean I''m not like all excited when I see one, but I really want to have MY babies!!!! I can''t wait

only 8 months more...

Anny, are you pg?? Congratulations!!

not yet!

, I''ll get married in 8 months

 

[goldenstar]

i think this is one of the things that premarital counseling is good for. its a time to lay all your cards out on the table so that you go into the marriage with eyes wide open.