Anxiety about Bridesmaids already and I just got engaged 5 days ago!

[Courtneylub]

I have a friend of mine who is so different from all my other friends. She is wacky, dramatic, seems to have ADD, makes me feel like I have ADD, and just exhausting to be around too much! I love this girl and would consider her a good friend. I have my best friends that I can count on one hand and honestly, she isn''t one of them. I was not in her wedding and I think that had a lot to do with the fact that she wasn''t in mine (my first obviously). She now tells me she wishes I had been in her wedding. I know she wants to be in mine. Problem is, I am already going to have SEVERAL girls. I had 7 the first time around (3 cousins in there). I would use the same exact 7 PLUS 2 more that I''m very close to now. My fiance (so weird to say!) feels uncomfortable around her at times because of her dramatic personality. He also doesn''t feel comfortable with her being in the wedding because of some past issues involving my ex husband and myself. I know I have plenty of time to think about this and figure out how to handle it, but I thought I''d get some opinions on the matter. This friend is quite pushy and sensitive. I''m can definitely be a pushover and I have that about myself. I like to make everyone happy...I know that''s impossible.

 

[meresal]

I have 3 sisters, and they all got married in their later twenties. Having siad this, many girls that each of them became friends with later on in life,(ie, not the lifelong--- always count on friends) conveniently said "they wished she had been one of their bridesmaids". These comments all started right around the time it looked like engagement was coming. I don't mean to assume she's doing it for this reason, but from what I hear, every new bide-to-be gets these comments. Does she seem overly anxious about being a bridesmaid?

You can always make her a greeter... unless you're worried guests might be scared when she runs up to them at the door? (A little ADD joke... I was diagnosed in 6th grade!!!)

LOL

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Sounds like a sticky situation, but the fact that you already have 7 bridesmaids is a great reason to not have anymore.

Also, bridesmaids ideally do not add stress to the planning of a wedding, and it sounds like this friend would really add stress if she were a bridesmaid.

I''m sure you can include her in other ways in the planning. If she is a good friend she will understand and be supportive, even if her feelings are a little hurt.

As a bride you will have to make a lot of hard choices and this will not be the hardest one.

You sound like a good friend to be so concerned about your friend''s feelings.

Good luck in your planning and Congratulations!

 

[CrownJewel]

I think you should choose the people that will help to make your wedding day go as smoothly as possible and definitely as stress free as possible. It is not your responsibility to use your wedding as an opportunity to help your friend feel more accepted. Your wedding day may be stressful enough, and it sounds like this friend will only add to it!

Just because someone is not one of your bridesmaids does not mean that she is not a good friend. Don''t stress, just stick with the 9 bridesmaids that you actually want in your wedding.

 

[Courtneylub]

Another thing to point out. With this being my 2nd wedding (fiance''s first), i want it to be as simple as can be. He doesn''t even want a best man or groomsmen. I decided not to have my bridesmaids even stand up there with me. I wanted to pick a theme (ie: pastel colors, fall colors, red) and have the girls pick a dress in that category...any color or style. They would walk down the aisle, but not stand at the alter with us. It would be so easy to include this friend. It would solve the problem of hurting her feelings, but if fiance isn''t comfortable with even that, I will have to exclude her.

 

[laine]

Ok, I'm really glad to hear that you aren't having 9 girls stand up with you. Thats a lot!! Your solution of pseudo-bridesmaids sounds like a great way to recognize them and have them involved, but with less expense on their part (if they can pick any dress). I believe Indy Gal is also doing something similar, by having her special girls all get ready with her, but not be actual bridesmaids. I love the idea, and may well use it when its my turn.

Now, all that said, the informal, low key nature of the role makes it much harder to exclude people. Part of what I like about it is that it can be an all inclusive thing (and at 9, whats one more?). So, if it were me, I'd include her. If she's invited to your wedding, she'll be walking up the aisle and sitting and watching anyway. The only difference is, shes wearing a dress of a certain color, walking in a little later, and sitting a little closer.

But on the other hand, it sounds like there is something you aren't going into that is making FI uncomfortable, and may be worth considering. Is he ok with her being at the wedding and just not in it, or does he not want her there at all? Because if he's ok with her attending, I don't see much difference with her being in it (whats the difference really?), but if he doesn't want her there at all, then thats a whole different issue to consider.

 

[musey]

Never include someone as a bridesmaid just because they hint that they want to.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 12/12/2007 12:28:32 PM
Author: laine
Ok, I''m really glad to hear that you aren''t having 9 girls stand up with you. Thats a lot!! Your solution of pseudo-bridesmaids sounds like a great way to recognize them and have them involved, but with less expense on their part (if they can pick any dress). I believe Indy Gal is also doing something similar, by having her special girls all get ready with her, but not be actual bridesmaids. I love the idea, and may well use it when its my turn.

I did this for my wedding, as I REALLY only wanted my MOH to "stand up" with me. My two close gals wore the same color, got ready with me, and did most of the bridesmaidy traditional things. They were totally cool with the plan, and were actually thrilled NOT to be 30-something bridesmaids.

I would just re-consider the having them walk down the aisle thing. Kinda wierd that they would do that but not stand up there with you. Just my two cents.

I would also re-consider having your special friend be a pseudo-bridesmaid if you REALLY don''t want her to. A good lesson to learn at this early stage in planning is that nope, you will not be able to make everyone happy.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 12/12/2007 1:27:41 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl

Date: 12/12/2007 12:28:32 PM
Author: laine
Ok, I''m really glad to hear that you aren''t having 9 girls stand up with you. Thats a lot!! Your solution of pseudo-bridesmaids sounds like a great way to recognize them and have them involved, but with less expense on their part (if they can pick any dress). I believe Indy Gal is also doing something similar, by having her special girls all get ready with her, but not be actual bridesmaids. I love the idea, and may well use it when its my turn.

I did this for my wedding, as I REALLY only wanted my MOH to ''stand up'' with me. My two close gals wore the same color, got ready with me, and did most of the bridesmaidy traditional things. They were totally cool with the plan, and were actually thrilled NOT to be 30-something bridesmaids.

I would just re-consider the having them walk down the aisle thing. Kinda wierd that they would do that but not stand up there with you. Just my two cents.

I would also re-consider having your special friend be a pseudo-bridesmaid if you REALLY don''t want her to. A good lesson to learn at this early stage in planning is that nope, you will not be able to make everyone happy.

GOOD LUCK!

Problem solved! After hearing all your great advice and talking to fiance, I decided against bridesmaids. I all of a sudden feel a weight lifted off my shoulders! I will pick a few to get ready with me and feel like a part of the day, as well as get them each a little gift.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 12/13/2007 7:09:46 AM
Author: Courtneylub

Date: 12/12/2007 1:27:41 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl

Date: 12/12/2007 12:28:32 PM
Author: laine
Ok, I''m really glad to hear that you aren''t having 9 girls stand up with you. Thats a lot!! Your solution of pseudo-bridesmaids sounds like a great way to recognize them and have them involved, but with less expense on their part (if they can pick any dress). I believe Indy Gal is also doing something similar, by having her special girls all get ready with her, but not be actual bridesmaids. I love the idea, and may well use it when its my turn.

I did this for my wedding, as I REALLY only wanted my MOH to ''stand up'' with me. My two close gals wore the same color, got ready with me, and did most of the bridesmaidy traditional things. They were totally cool with the plan, and were actually thrilled NOT to be 30-something bridesmaids.

I would just re-consider the having them walk down the aisle thing. Kinda wierd that they would do that but not stand up there with you. Just my two cents.

I would also re-consider having your special friend be a pseudo-bridesmaid if you REALLY don''t want her to. A good lesson to learn at this early stage in planning is that nope, you will not be able to make everyone happy.

GOOD LUCK!

Problem solved! After hearing all your great advice and talking to fiance, I decided against bridesmaids. I all of a sudden feel a weight lifted off my shoulders! I will pick a few to get ready with me and feel like a part of the day, as well as get them each a little gift.

Oh, I''m sooo glad to hear that. Good for you for talking it through with your FI and figuring out what works for you BOTH.

I must sound like I''m anti-bridesmaid. I''m really just anti-drama.

Let the wedding planning begin!

 

[gtn]

since you mentioned alter.... I''m guessing that you will be in a church. Ask her to read one of the readings for you.