Anxiety and frustration over my shower.....(long)

[So_happy]

I just got word from my sister/moh today that the invites to my shower went out. I wanted to be very excited and relish in this moment but then I read her last paragraph where she noted that the guest list I gave her was "on the small side" since she had secured a place that has space for 110 (the list my FI and I put together consisted of 51 of the 100 people that are invited to the actual wedding so I really don''t know how much she was expecting TBH). To remedy this and also because she wants everyone to get "a little crazy if they want to" (her words!) she took the liberty of inviting 14 "and guests" for those who previously did not have a guest name next to thiers

.

And now I''m having a bit of an internal tantrum and need to vent.

First, she''s gone and invited 14 people who are not invited to the wedding. And I specifically told her that it was very important to me to uphold this rule of etiquette. (Actually, it''s more than that to me..........it just doesn''t feel right to me to have 14 people who are not invited to the wedding socializing and possibly feeling second-rate because they are talking to 36 people who are). This also poses possible problems later when my wedding invites go out and my guests notice that thier shower guest was not invited to the wedding. I''m freaking out that they will assume I meant to invite them and bring them anyway!

Second, she''s ignored repeatedly my needs and desires for this thing. I understand that some want more lively parties because they''ve been to dozens of the traditional kinds and perhaps want something a little different. But I''ve never even been to a shower! I wanted the traditional stuff! I wanted good ole boring!! Finger foods, cake, and punch even!

And when she suggested I might want a co-ed shower I felt like I was being all untraditional in that sense but I still felt content in that my sweetie could enjoy that day, too! But I still wanted the similar format (2 hrs on a sat or sun afternoon around family adn friends, a few snacks and drinks, and lovely chatting), albeit perhaps a bbq or something. But apparently she''s ignored me because she''s rented out a VFW in a town that is 3 hrs away from me (I had expressed my wishes for a location somewhat equidistant from my hometown and my new town so my new friends could make it and it is now actually 1/2 hour further away than my hometown) for a Saturday night and is having a cash bar from 7p-1am!!!!!

Lastly, I just feel un-listened to. I feel like she is throwing a party SHE''D like. I want to party just fine for my b-rette!! But I really wanted to keep it conservative and traditional for the shower. It''s just what I wanted. And everytime I voice my concerns I swear we reach an understanding but then the next email or phone call reflects the exact opposite of understanding!!!

My only solace for the 14 "and guests", if in fact 14 extras do even come, is that they hopefully will be cognizant of the fact that I did not throw the party. I hope I hope I hope. And my only solace for the VFW thing w/cash bar (

) is that I''ll just loosen up and have a few before going in (

) and have a great time in spite of it not being the way I wanted it to be, see half of my wedding guests before the wedding and reminicse etc (

) and leave feeling glad it worked out the way it did.

Despite the overal tone (whiny, anyone??) of this note, I am not a spoiled brat who has to have everything her way. I simply just don''t get why she even asked about my "vision" and hopes for my bridal shower if she ignored them in the end. I know this may have had to do with her planning abilities and budget and that stuff I do not know about and this is why I am venting to YOU GUYS and not her.

Thank you for reading this far. If you have any words of support or just commiseration right now, I''d love to hear it. I am always open to a verbal kick in the whiny butt, too, if support or commiseration fail you

 

[MustangFan]

First of all you''re not whiny, you have a right to say on how YOUR shower is planned, but also if she''s paying for it, she also has a say...
I don''t agree with her inviting 14 extra people without your consent, I would be mad as well. Try to enjoy the day and make the most of it, sorry I''m not much of a help.

 

[sumbride]

I totally get why you''re upset but stop for a second here...

You aren''t throwing the shower, so it''s technically not your guest list anyway. The extras will be ok.

and isn''t it nice that she''s throwing you a shower at all?


My Texas shower is from 10-noon in the church parlor, thrown by 15 of my mom''s closest friends. I think 2 hours is a bit short for a shower with 15 hosts... makes me wonder how big the guest list is if they need 15 hosts... and the church parlor is the LAST place I would willingly have my shower... but apparently that''s where it will be. I''m guessing champagne is out of the question. But I''m thinking "how nice that they care that much about me to throw this party for me" and leaving it at that.

We have so much else to plan... showers are the one thing you as a bride have no control over... let go!!! It will be ok!!!

 

[monarch64]

I agree with Sumbride, it''s nice that she''s throwing you a shower, period, and girl you just gotta let go in cases like this and enjoy!

also, try not to drink too much before the shower, it''s no fun to watch a bride-to-be stagger around her own shower, lol!

 

[E B]

I agree with sumbride.

Date: 5/30/2007 8:42:41 AM
Author: MustangFan
First of all you're not whiny, you have a right to say on how YOUR shower is planned

I'm not trying to be rude, but I thought that if a party's being thrown for you, you're generally not expected to have much of a say as to how things are planned?

I just got word that a shower is being thrown for me this summer, and I have no idea where it'll be or what will be involved. The only thing my FMIL/FSIL have asked for is a list of foods I'm allergic to and a guest list, but I'm just going to let them know that anyone on the guest list for the wedding is fine with me. I'm thrilled about the surprise element, and I know they'll do a fantastic job of planning.

 

[surfgirl]

So_happy, I understand from your post, WHY you are upset. It sounds like your sister is confusing ''bachelorette party'' for ''bridal shower''. Sorry for that. Have you pointed the difference out to her? Other than that, you cant really do anything about this at this point so just let it go. Dont go into "Bridezilla" territory over this because honestly, there is no excuse for anyone to act like a Bridezilla just because they''re/we''re getting married. It''s not the end of the world. Just go and have a nice time and be happy.

This would probably be a good time to remember that there are more women than you know, throughout the world, who get married off to awful men who keep them like slaves. Cultures where awful things are done to women to keep them at home, popping out babies their entire lives. They dont have the niceties we have like choosing who they marry. Or having a bridal shower. Or having any money for even a plain old metal ring. So if it helps, remember how lucky you/we are to live where we do, have what we have, etc. Just let it go and enjoy it for what it is. If you have to, have someone else throw you a traditional shower if it''ll make you feel better and dont do the bach party (since this sounds like that anyway).

 

[TravelingGal]

Hey understandable. I pretty much agree with the others that if someone is throwing you a party, you should let it go and enjoy. However, I do get that even though this person gets to throw the party, you don''t get to choose whether or not you want to attend, and moreover, you are the star and have to show that you are ENJOYING it. Kind of a tough place to be in if you aren''t happy about it.

But the way I see it, the bridesmaids get to throw the party the way they''d like because the bride gets to throw the wedding the way she''d like and makes girls wear matching dresses. Payback''s a b*tch.

 

[So_happy]

Thank you for your responses thus far

I really do feel fortunate to have these kinds of worries; as one poster mentioned, there are far worse things to have to be worried about. And a night''s rest has cleared my head a bit so I''m not AS stressed as I was last night.

I gave some more thought to why I was as upset as I was about this last night and I think I figured it out. See, when I discussed wedding plans with my sister many months ago (I have since stopped because she has always been sort of this critical/negative voice that I just needed to get away from) we did touch upon our guest list for the wedding. This is when she mentioned to me that one of my bms was bringing a third guest (a guest for her guest basically

) and that she''d like to do the same. I was a bit shocked that people would even think to do this (new at the time to this whole wedding planning thing) and her and I ended up having a bit of a heated discussion about why I needed to be so controlling when it comes to my guests'' enjoyment (

). The premise here is that she feels I would be saying "no third guest, please" due to personal control issues and not budget or just plain courtesy to the bride/groom issues!

Fast forward to now and I have this feeling that this IS (as a pp mentioned) her chance to throw a party the way SHE''D like it done. She feels it''s wrong to not let all guests have guests. Apparently that even extends to guests having guests for thier guests (

). I just fear the ramifications of her choice....and they will probably fall on FI''s and my head.

But I digress........I''m upset because I feel this is her way of showing me that I may be able to control my own wedding but I can not control this party. Hence the complete diversion from my requests and suggestions (that she asked for!!). But I honestly do not want to control it......I just thought that if someone is gracious enough to throw us brides and grooms a party of any sort, and asks for our input, it is because they want to throw a party that the bride and groom will love and always remember fondly. Y''know....as in this is thier first and last shower and let''s make it as fantastic as I can logistically and financially swing???? Said another way, if I were throwing a party for my sister one day I would NOT go the quiet route for her because I know she''d like something a bit more upbeat. I just wouldn''t subject her to that ESPECIALLY if I had first asked her what she''d like for her shower and she had explicitly stated that she''s always envisioned a 100-person more-party-than-shower at the VFW with a stocked cash bar!!!!!! It just wouldn''t make sense to me to do the opposite.

Travelingal: Your point was too funny

!! In fact, when I ordered her dress I had asked her to give me her measurements as I wanted to order them all at once from the same place in the end (saved on shipping for them actually). Well, the numbers she gave me put her in a size 10 top (actually, she was one inch in the waist from being a 12 so she was totally on the cusp and probably should''ve ordered a 12 but I figured a 10 would be okay if she didn''t mind it being perhaps a touch tight) but she insisted an 8 should do fine. We got into it over this as I didn''t want her ordering something too small because I know in my head that it''s always better to order a bit larger and then have it taken in. She was probably feeling a bit sensitive over the sizes etc (I don''t blame her it IS a personal thing for lots of women!!) but she got unreasonable with me and it got to the point where I just gave in and figured it''d all work out in the end. I ordered the 8. She stopped sulking after 2 weeks. But I figure there may be more truth to your cute post than you know

 

[So_happy]

Date: 5/30/2007 12:29:56 PM
Author: EBree
I agree with sumbride.

Date: 5/30/2007 8:42:41 AM
Author: MustangFan
First of all you''re not whiny, you have a right to say on how YOUR shower is planned

I''m not trying to be rude, but I thought that if a party''s being thrown for you, you''re generally not expected to have much of a say as to how things are planned?

I just got word that a shower is being thrown for me this summer, and I have no idea where it''ll be or what will be involved. The only thing my FMIL/FSIL have asked for is a list of foods I''m allergic to and a guest list, but I''m just going to let them know that anyone on the guest list for the wedding is fine with me. I''m thrilled about the surprise element, and I know they''ll do a fantastic job of planning.

Ebree~ SOOOO not being rude there!!!

I thought this was the case as well but when she came right out and asked me what I wanted for a shower I was very pleased, I must admit I have heard that getting the bride''s initial input on overal style etc is common these days and maybe more practical as you can coordinate the best time to have it as well.

Anyhow, I thought it was great that she involved me minimally. I told her I pictured something really laid back but classy like cool drinks (iced tea, lemonade, sangria even) and a couple party platters from BJs outside at my FMIL''s house on a pretty summer afternoon for a few hours. If she cared to plan a larger thing and involve the guys, too, I said a bbq at the best man''s house (he offered his home prior to this) would be fantastic. I also let her know (4 times) that only those invited to the wedding would be invited so since my entire wedding guestlist consists of 100, for her to expect no more than 20 if just women and 60 if coed. I also told her that if she found a place she loved that only held 5 people, that I would GLADLY condense to whatever she needed (I like small and quaint better anyway!).

I feel I was pretty descriptive and I handed out a few helpful options to help with cost (best man''s home, FMIL home etc) as ths is my sister here and I know she doesn''t have that much money. Guess she interpreted differently than what I intended.

 

[E B]

so_happy,

No worries, I was just addressing mustangfan's comment. I completely agree with being disappointed with certain aspects of the party (such as the fact that you feel it's turning into more of a bachelorette party than a shower!) but in the end, I wouldn't stress too much. It might turn out to be a great shower, but if it doesn't, it'll be a fun story to share with, well, NEW friends.

Just kidding!

If it makes you feel any better, if my girlfriends (all in their mid-twenties) were throwing my shower, it'd probably involve quite a bit of booze and dancing too. I think the key to getting the traditional shower is to pray that your future mother in law or older relative will throw it! And if you've got your heart set on one, it might be something to mention to your mom or close female relative so that they might be able to give your friend a few pointers.

 

[luckystar112]

I don''t think it''s rude or whiny at all to want to have SOME say in your shower.
For those that are saying you should sit back and be quiet because the party is being thrown for you, if your parents were paying for your wedding reception would you sit back and let them do all the planning? Probably not. And I mean, a party is a party, and you would be the guest of honor at both, and whether you like it or not the lack of etiquette will be reflected on you. So, I don''t think its unreasonable to try and come up with a compromise.

 

[So_happy]

Date: 5/30/2007 2:32:42 PM
Author: luckystar112
I don''t think it''s rude or whiny at all to want to have SOME say in your shower.
For those that are saying you should sit back and be quiet because the party is being thrown for you, if your parents were paying for your wedding reception would you sit back and let them do all the planning? Probably not. And I mean, a party is a party, and you would be the guest of honor at both, and whether you like it or not the lack of etiquette will be reflected on you. So, I don''t think its unreasonable to try and come up with a compromise.

You make some good points! I think my confusion here is that I DID have a say in the shower.........it just wasn''t taken seriously

or, worse, was completely ignored

I am starting to find the positives in this by the hour! For one, I''m sure a party of this sort will really make my Fiance happy!!! I''ll get a kick outta seeing him get excited over our first wedding-related event And I really love the fact that I get to see, literally, half of my wedding guests a couple months before the wedding!! THAT''S pretty special

So it''s at a VFW (sorry, I don''t mean any disrespect to those that use them, I really don''t.....but ours are just really dark and dingy places where I just can''t see an event being happily held inside I guess), it could be no where at all and I could not be having a shower at all. So it''s a cash bar.....my sister probably couldn''t afford to buy alcohol as well as whatever other costs she''s enduring. So she invited guests not on the wedding guest list just to fill up her space a bit more.......well, this one there IS no positive. LOL. This is where I just hope they realize I didn''t do it!!!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Girlfriend- this is YOUR day! Reminds me of the song "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to..." If you want traditional then that is what you should get even if someone else is throwing the shindig... after all these are memories of YOUR day that will stick with you forever.

When my bestmate (bridezilla) got married she wanted a Fajita Rita (margarita) couples shower. The 'friend' she inlisted this feat to decided to change the theme to "camo n' ammo", when I got the invite I flipped and I knew my reaction was probably HALF what my bestfriends would be...so I politely called the lady and told her what I thought. She was less than helpful so I called the bride and she flipped...needless to say we had fajitas and ritas all the way home.

One last note...don't look a gifthorse in the mouth. If you don't have to plan it or worry about it and you get free stuff from those that love ya then you are blessed.

REMEMBER....THIS IS YOUR TIME!

oh and SMILE IT'S HUMP DAY!!!! WOOOOOOO

 

[So_happy]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 238px">Date: 5/30/2007 3:31:40 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Girlfriend- this is YOUR day! Reminds me of the song ''it''s my party and I''ll cry if I want to...'' If you want traditional then that is what you should get even if someone else is throwing the shindig... after all these are memories of YOUR day that will stick with you forever.

When my bestmate (bridezilla) got married she wanted a Fajita Rita (margarita) couples shower. The ''friend'' she inlisted this feat to decided to change the theme to ''camo n'' ammo'', when I got the invite I flipped and I knew my reaction was probably HALF what my bestfriends would be...so I politely called the lady and told her what I thought. She was less than helpful so I called the bride and she flipped...needless to say we had fajitas and ritas all the way home.

One last note...don''t look a gifthorse in the mouth. If you don''t have to plan it or worry about it and you get free stuff from those that love ya then you are blessed.

REMEMBER....THIS IS YOUR TIME!

oh and SMILE IT''S HUMP DAY!!!! WOOOOOOO

LOL, thank you for your uplifting post I am working hard on not taking this for granted and I do believe I''m pretty much there I just need to stop reading into my sister''s choice of party. However, she knows me very well and knows my style. I can''t help but think she did some of these things to spite me........given how difficult she''s been so far with the wedding related stuff. A few of my friends have suggested that she is "acting out" because she''s jealous. Not of me, per se. But of my life right now. I hate that that sounds true to me....but she goes back and forth with telling me how much grad school must and my impending married life is going to "suck" to how much she wishes she''d gone to college and has a serious relationship right now.

I don''t even want to bring up the (very very exciting) fact that FI and I plan to start trying for a baby very soon (after the wedding) for fear of possibly more acting out. I know what I''ll get from her is a surface reaction of happiness for me and then her subsequent behavior will show me her true feelings.

In retrospect, I remember her reaction to my engagement news not being very excited. Her words sounded nice........but her voice sounded.......bored...or annoyed, and strained. I can''t place it but it gave me pause. And when I asked her to be my MOH, she actually hesitated and then said......''oh, no!....really?" (with a very put-out voice) and then finally a tense minute later....."sure.". I figured this was just her stunned reaction..........afterall I''d never asked anyone that question before so didn''t know what was standard lol.

Okay, so I''m not poor-me-ing about the party anymore......but I AM poor-me-ing about my relationship with my baby (she''s 27) sister

in general.

 

[akw94]

SoHappy, I''m glad you''re feeling a bit better about the shower but am really sorry it''s not happening the way you''d like. When I read your post initially, I completely related to your feelings. Personally, your idea of a shower sounds more like the kind of shower I''d like than your sisters. But I get what everyone else is saying. I think that b/c it''s her throwing the shower, you don''t have to feel obligated to alter your wedding guest list. I would feel the same way and would probably be very upset about that too. I worked very hard on my guestlist and cutting it down so it would be hard to feel like I now have to add all these people. But you don''t have to! Don''t let them guide your wedding. This is just the shower and if people ask you questions about the shower, I''d definitely defer to your sister.
I would just try to have fun at the shower and the jist (is it jist or gist..can''t remember?)of the shower is still there... you, friends and family getting together to celebrate and hang out together. It''s not day-time or at the location of your choice, but you still have the most important parts.
Maybe if she asks you any other questions about what you want, you just don''t answer and leave it to her discretion. That way you won''t feel as if she''s ignoring you and you can just sit back and enjoy whatever she puts together. I know, easier said than done...
But I completely feel that you have a right to all the feelings that you have! I''d try to think of it as a party that she''s throwing for you vs your bridal shower.

 

[So_happy]

Date: 5/31/2007 11:38:21 AM
Author: dixie94
SoHappy, I''m glad you''re feeling a bit better about the shower but am really sorry it''s not happening the way you''d like. When I read your post initially, I completely related to your feelings. Personally, your idea of a shower sounds more like the kind of shower I''d like than your sisters. But I get what everyone else is saying. I think that b/c it''s her throwing the shower, you don''t have to feel obligated to alter your wedding guest list. I would feel the same way and would probably be very upset about that too. I worked very hard on my guestlist and cutting it down so it would be hard to feel like I now have to add all these people. But you don''t have to! Don''t let them guide your wedding. This is just the shower and if people ask you questions about the shower, I''d definitely defer to your sister.
I would just try to have fun at the shower and the jist (is it jist or gist..can''t remember?)of the shower is still there... you, friends and family getting together to celebrate and hang out together. It''s not day-time or at the location of your choice, but you still have the most important parts.
Maybe if she asks you any other questions about what you want, you just don''t answer and leave it to her discretion. That way you won''t feel as if she''s ignoring you and you can just sit back and enjoy whatever she puts together. I know, easier said than done...
But I completely feel that you have a right to all the feelings that you have! I''d try to think of it as a party that she''s throwing for you vs your bridal shower.

Hugs to you, Dixie We all know that validation is supposed to feel pretty nice but DANG does it when ya get it

I actually got the invite in the mail yesterday and I couldn''t help but think they were precious so I think I''m coming around a bit. The initial "shock" of it all only took 2 days so that''s not too shabby

Besides, I''ll get my afternoon fancy-schmancy white linen thing for a baby shower or something

(minus the sangria of course lol). My sis couldn''t possibly confuse baby shower with the VFW all-nighter again.........could she?

And R and I ARE excited to see so many of our friends and family before the wedding. It''s been a looonnnnngggg time since we saw them all together in one place and we consider this a real treat