Any advice...?

[Ms.Dreamy]

I am hoping to get some of your thoughts and advice for my situation. (men''s opinions very appreciated

)

I am with my BF for 2 years. During all the time I was always asking myself if he is "the one" and if I want to spend the rest of my life with him (because I really want to find the person to spend my life with and don''t want to "waste my time and my feelings" for the wrong man). There are a few things that let me question if I''ll really be able to spend the rest of my life with him - but on the other hand I really love him and I am "old enough" to know that there is not "the perfect person of your dreams" out there. some other guys might be better in SOME aspects but worse in others - so I think it''s always a tradeoff to make when deciding to stay with a person.

So, on the other hand I am thinking very often about the topic of getting engaged (well, let''s call it being obsessed about the topic

) for me it would even be a compromise to get "promise rings" for now (yeah, I know some people think that''s for schoolgirls - but I really think it''s a sign of love and commitment) because I know it would be too early to get engaged (because I really want to be stable in my life and job first - and so thinks he)
But he is really NO jewellery person

and he doesn''t like this idea very much. he says he doesn''t need a ring on his finger to show our commitment to other people - AND HE IS NO JEWELLERY PERSON (

).

So - should I just wait (and wait and wait

) till we are ready for the "real" engagement thing or should I try again to convince him about the promise ring story...
I know it would give me some peace and I would be less obsessed with the engagement thing because we''ve already made a step to show commitment (and I thinks it''s romantic to have something from the other person with you all the time). But on the other hand I would love it if HE would support this idea and be a bit more romantic in that way - it wouldn''t make me happy if I just talk him into it and deep inside i''ll know that he doesn''t really like it.

 

[Erin]

What''s wrong with the scenario of just you wearing a promise ring and not him?

 

[gwendolyn]

If you're still questioning if you'll "really be able to spend the rest of your life with him," I'm confused as to why you're obsessed with getting engaged. If you are looking to get engaged, shouldn't you be sure you want to spend your life with this particular man? I thought that's what it was all about.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/7/2008 10:42:08 AM
Author: Starset Princess
What''s wrong with the scenario of just you wearing a promise ring and not him?

I really don''t like the idea of just me wearing a promise ring. I think it is too one-sided: It''s just me showing commitment while he does''t... and in our culture it is common that promise rings are worn by both, the woman AND the man - and I know about a million of couples doing so

And furthermore it''s not that I don''t have enogh rings to wear

- I want us BOTH to have something of the other one with us and something to show commitment. I even tried once to only offer him a ring (and not having the same matching one for myself)... he was not soooo excited about it because he doesn''t wear any jewellery and he did not know if he would like the feeling of having a piece of jewellery on his finger all the time... ah, guys

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/7/2008 10:53:00 AM
Author: gwendolyn
If you''re still questioning if you''ll ''really be able to spend the rest of your life with him,'' I''m confused as to why you''re obsessed with getting engaged. If you are looking to get engaged, shouldn''t you be sure you want to spend your life with this particular man? I thought that''s what it was all about.

well, I know - that''s what my post is about: being confused

the ring thing is one example: I''d love to have a man who would see that as a symbol of love and would be wearing it with pride instead of saying "I''m not sure if the feeling of a piece of metal would annoy me"

or is this just a guy''s view? (but on the other hand I know men who came up with the suggestion of wearing promise rings to their girlfriends - so there must be some men who like that idea)

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/7/2008 11:03:14 AM
Author: Ms.Dreamy

Date: 6/7/2008 10:53:00 AM

Author: gwendolyn

If you''re still questioning if you''ll ''really be able to spend the rest of your life with him,'' I''m confused as to why you''re obsessed with getting engaged. If you are looking to get engaged, shouldn''t you be sure you want to spend your life with this particular man? I thought that''s what it was all about.

well, I know - that''s what my post is about: being confused

the ring thing is one example: I''d love to have a man who would see that as a symbol of love and would be wearing it with pride instead of saying ''I''m not sure if the feeling of a piece of metal would annoy me''

or is this just a guy''s view? (but on the other hand I know men who came up with the suggestion of wearing promise rings to their girlfriends - so there must be some men who like that idea)

Hahha, oh ok, just so long as it''s not just me who''s confused!

Honestly, I think the importance of a ring is totally personal. I know married people who never wear them but who are (as far as I can tell) absolutely, completely committed to their marriages. I also (sadly) have known people who have worn rings and merely slipped them off in order to cheat on their partners. So, the ring itself to me signifies nothing--it''s the true commitment you feel in your heart that really means something at the end of the day. If you love jewelry, feel free to display your ''taken'' status with a promise ring if you like, but if your boyfriend doesn''t like jewelry, try not to take it as a slight against your relationship--it''s not about you, but about that piece of metal. Some guys will make an exception for a wedding band, but not all will do that. If I were you, I''d save my energy trying to get him to wear a promise ring, and talk with him about the likelihood of him wearing a wedding band. If he says he''s unsure if the feeling would bother him or not, offer to get him a practice ring (aka promise ring?

) so he can try it out on an inexpensive ring. Some guys really warm to it--I know J was against jewelry at the start, but is now looking forward to having a wedding band that matches mine.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/7/2008 11:10:05 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/7/2008 11:03:14 AM

Author: Ms.Dreamy

Date: 6/7/2008 10:53:00 AM


Author: gwendolyn


If you''re still questioning if you''ll ''really be able to spend the rest of your life with him,'' I''m confused as to why you''re obsessed with getting engaged. If you are looking to get engaged, shouldn''t you be sure you want to spend your life with this particular man? I thought that''s what it was all about.

well, I know - that''s what my post is about: being confused

the ring thing is one example: I''d love to have a man who would see that as a symbol of love and would be wearing it with pride instead of saying ''I''m not sure if the feeling of a piece of metal would annoy me''

or is this just a guy''s view? (but on the other hand I know men who came up with the suggestion of wearing promise rings to their girlfriends - so there must be some men who like that idea)

Hahha, oh ok, just so long as it''s not just me who''s confused!

Honestly, I think the importance of a ring is totally personal. I know married people who never wear them but who are (as far as I can tell) absolutely, completely committed to their marriages. I also (sadly) have known people who have worn rings and merely slipped them off in order to cheat on their partners. So, the ring itself to me signifies nothing--it''s the true commitment you feel in your heart that really means something at the end of the day. If you love jewelry, feel free to display your ''taken'' status with a promise ring if you like, but if your boyfriend doesn''t like jewelry, try not to take it as a slight against your relationship--it''s not about you, but about that piece of metal. Some guys will make an exception for a wedding band, but not all will do that. If I were you, I''d save my energy trying to get him to wear a promise ring, and talk with him about the likelihood of him wearing a wedding band. If he says he''s unsure if the feeling would bother him or not, offer to get him a practice ring (aka promise ring?

) so he can try it out on an inexpensive ring. Some guys really warm to it--I know J was against jewelry at the start, but is now looking forward to having a wedding band that matches mine.

you speak me from the heart in some way. it is about real commitment and love - but this is what a ring symbolizes TO ME. (but I know it doesn''t symbolize much for others, or that people just take it off to cheat on their partners

)
I just wish the ring would symbolize the same feelings for him...

about the wedding ring: he would definitely wear one - that''s for sure (we talked about that) and the "practicing ring" (promise ring) I offered him was a very nice cartier piece... I mean how could a man say no to cartier!!!

If I was a man I definitely wouldn''t

 

[purrfectpear]

It sounds like he''s made his wishes clear to you but you''re still wanting your way. Asking a bunch of people on the internet is not going to change how HE feels about it.

You either need to get over it and wait for a real engagement (if and when he''s ready to ask), or find someone who shares your need for outward symbols of "going steady".

A promise ring is really no more than the equivalent of wearing some guys class ring. It just says "hey we''re dating each other and we''re not looking to change partners for the time being". If it was a PROMISE to get married it would be an engagement ring. I mean, how do you "promise to promise" at a later date

I think if you love him you should make every effort to stop trying to manipulate him into something that he doesn''t want

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/7/2008 11:47:21 AM
Author: purrfectpear
It sounds like he''s made his wishes clear to you but you''re still wanting your way. Asking a bunch of people on the internet is not going to change how HE feels about it.


You either need to get over it and wait for a real engagement (if and when he''s ready to ask), or find someone who shares your need for outward symbols of ''going steady''.


A promise ring is really no more than the equivalent of wearing some guys class ring. It just says ''hey we''re dating each other and we''re not looking to change partners for the time being''. If it was a PROMISE to get married it would be an engagement ring. I mean, how do you ''promise to promise'' at a later date

I think if you love him you should make every effort to stop trying to manipulate him into something that he doesn''t want

maybe asking some people is a way of getting over it - because I see that other guys think the same way that he is and it has nothing to do with me or his unwillingness to show commitment to others - maybe most people think like he does: that it''s just a piece of metal with no significance and maybe my sentimental way to think about it is the exeption

but don''t get me wrong: I definitely don''t want to manipulate his thoughts about it - I just wish he would think the same way than I do - which is not the case - So, your right and I have simply to get over it. And I definitely can get over it when I know that it just has to do with the male view on jewellery as an annoying piece of metal on your finger

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/7/2008 10:20:31 AM
Author:Ms.Dreamy
I am hoping to get some of your thoughts and advice for my situation. (men''s opinions very appreciated

)

I am with my BF for 2 years. During all the time I was always asking myself if he is ''the one'' and if I want to spend the rest of my life with him (because I really want to find the person to spend my life with and don''t want to ''waste my time and my feelings'' for the wrong man). There are a few things that let me question if I''ll really be able to spend the rest of my life with him - but on the other hand I really love him and I am ''old enough'' to know that there is not ''the perfect person of your dreams'' out there. some other guys might be better in SOME aspects but worse in others - so I think it''s always a tradeoff to make when deciding to stay with a person.

So, on the other hand I am thinking very often about the topic of getting engaged (well, let''s call it being obsessed about the topic

) for me it would even be a compromise to get ''promise rings'' for now (yeah, I know some people think that''s for schoolgirls - but I really think it''s a sign of love and commitment) because I know it would be too early to get engaged (because I really want to be stable in my life and job first - and so thinks he)
But he is really NO jewellery person

and he doesn''t like this idea very much. he says he doesn''t need a ring on his finger to show our commitment to other people - AND HE IS NO JEWELLERY PERSON (

).

So - should I just wait (and wait and wait

) till we are ready for the ''real'' engagement thing or should I try again to convince him about the promise ring story...
I know it would give me some peace and I would be less obsessed with the engagement thing because we''ve already made a step to show commitment (and I thinks it''s romantic to have something from the other person with you all the time). But on the other hand I would love it if HE would support this idea and be a bit more romantic in that way - it wouldn''t make me happy if I just talk him into it and deep inside i''ll know that he doesn''t really like it.

Not true. I always thought that when I was trying to work out whether I could live with the things I didn''t like about them.

I''m not getting married to the man who is ''perfect for me''. That doesn''t mean that he is perfect but there is nothing that I would wish to change about him.

Sometimes you need to date some frogs to make you realise when you meet the prince!

To be perfectly honest if you are confused as to whether you want to marry him or not, it strikes me that you probably don''t. Love isn''t enough for a successful marriage.

If you''re not even sure about IF you want to marry him, why on earth are you obsessed with getting engaged???

Or are you looking for a some kind of sign of commitment from him? A ring is no sign of commitment unless there are a lot of other signs there long before.

If your BF is a no jewellery man, how would he feel about an engagement ring for you?

His reaction to your suggestion strikes me that he isn''t ready for the next step yet. Two years really isn''t that long you know.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/7/2008 12:15:01 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 6/7/2008 10:20:31 AM

Author:Ms.Dreamy

I am hoping to get some of your thoughts and advice for my situation. (men''s opinions very appreciated

)


I am with my BF for 2 years. During all the time I was always asking myself if he is ''the one'' and if I want to spend the rest of my life with him (because I really want to find the person to spend my life with and don''t want to ''waste my time and my feelings'' for the wrong man). There are a few things that let me question if I''ll really be able to spend the rest of my life with him - but on the other hand I really love him and I am ''old enough'' to know that there is not ''the perfect person of your dreams'' out there. some other guys might be better in SOME aspects but worse in others - so I think it''s always a tradeoff to make when deciding to stay with a person.


So, on the other hand I am thinking very often about the topic of getting engaged (well, let''s call it being obsessed about the topic

) for me it would even be a compromise to get ''promise rings'' for now (yeah, I know some people think that''s for schoolgirls - but I really think it''s a sign of love and commitment) because I know it would be too early to get engaged (because I really want to be stable in my life and job first - and so thinks he)

But he is really NO jewellery person

and he doesn''t like this idea very much. he says he doesn''t need a ring on his finger to show our commitment to other people - AND HE IS NO JEWELLERY PERSON (

).


So - should I just wait (and wait and wait

) till we are ready for the ''real'' engagement thing or should I try again to convince him about the promise ring story...

I know it would give me some peace and I would be less obsessed with the engagement thing because we''ve already made a step to show commitment (and I thinks it''s romantic to have something from the other person with you all the time). But on the other hand I would love it if HE would support this idea and be a bit more romantic in that way - it wouldn''t make me happy if I just talk him into it and deep inside i''ll know that he doesn''t really like it.

Not true. I always thought that when I was trying to work out whether I could live with the things I didn''t like about them.


I''m not getting married to the man who is ''perfect for me''. That doesn''t mean that he is perfect but there is nothing that I would wish to change about him.


Sometimes you need to date some frogs to make you realise when you meet the prince!


To be perfectly honest if you are confused as to whether you want to marry him or not, it strikes me that you probably don''t. Love isn''t enough for a successful marriage.


If you''re not even sure about IF you want to marry him, why on earth are you obsessed with getting engaged???

Or are you looking for a some kind of sign of commitment from him? A ring is no sign of commitment unless there are a lot of other signs there long before.


If your BF is a no jewellery man, how would he feel about an engagement ring for you?


His reaction to your suggestion strikes me that he isn''t ready for the next step yet. Two years really isn''t that long you know.

That are all things I am thinking about too. I think only time will tell - because we love each other and there is much commitment between us but you never know it it will work forever. You are right with the frogs

but I won''t leave a man who has a lot of great things about him unless I really know if he is a "frog" because maybe he''s already on it''s way to the metamorphosos to a price

good relationships are based on hard work together. maybe you never find a "perfect" man (and maybe I am no perfect woman too!) - but the key to a good relationship and a future together is to give your best for the relationship: talking to your partner about your expectations and giving your best to fulfill them.

about the engagement ring: oh, he really knows about my love to jewellery (how could he miss that!

) and I am sure that when the day comes he''ll surprise me with a beautiful ring. as some of our friends and relatives married and got engaged recently we had enough possibilities to talk about this topic

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/7/2008 12:15:01 PM
Author: Pandora II

Not true. I always thought that when I was trying to work out whether I could live with the things I didn''t like about past boyfriends.

I''m now getting married to the man who is ''perfect for me''. That doesn''t mean that he is perfect but there is nothing that I would wish to change about him.

Sometimes you need to date some frogs to make you realise when you meet the prince!

To be perfectly honest if you are confused as to whether you want to marry him or not, it strikes me that you probably don''t. Love isn''t enough for a successful marriage.

If you''re not even sure about IF you want to marry him, why on earth are you obsessed with getting engaged???

Or are you looking for a some kind of sign of commitment from him? A ring is no sign of commitment unless there are a lot of other signs there long before.

If your BF is a no jewellery man, how would he feel about an engagement ring for you?

His reaction to your suggestion strikes me that he isn''t ready for the next step yet. Two years really isn''t that long you know.

Ooops, meant to say the highlighted bits! My bad for not reading through properly!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

thanks PandoraII - I knew that there must have been a typo

I am so happy for you that you found the perfect man for you - and I agree with your definition of "personal perfection": that is when you don''t want to change anything...
You are a very lucky person that you found such a person!!! - I think many people don''t find such a person in their whole life...

 

[Pandora II]

I am very lucky.

My parents have a wonderful marriage. They were engaged 2 weeks after they met, married within 6 months and celebrate 37 years in July.

They are each others best friends and are still besotted with each other.

I decided many years ago that if I couldn''t have a marriage like theirs I didn''t want one at all. I measured all my relationships up against it and until FI they never come close.

That probably explains why I''m getting married at 36!

Whatever decision you make, make sure you don''t sell yourself short.

I found ''Are You The One For Me'' to be very useful. I had a history of picking very unsuitable and often toxic men. I used the book to find out the patterns amongst my relationships - and discovered that I tended to go for men who needed to be ''saved'', who I could run their lives for and who had addictive personalities.

I then used the exercises in the book to find out what was actually important to me and what I really wanted. Then I applied previous relationships to it and found out some quite startling things.

It really helped me see what my needs really were and how important it was for a man to have cetain characteristics and personality traits for me to be happy with him. (Not to say that they couldn''t have all those and not be a good match for other reasons - like me not being what they wanted!

)

If you have doubts at all, I would reall recommend the book and doing the exercises quite seriously. It could clarify things for you.

On the ring thing, FI didn''t want a wedding band at all, fine by me. Then I showed him some mokume gane ones... he wanted one of them like made. Samurai sword technique bling really appealed to him - if not my bank manager!

 

[vslover]

Date: 6/7/2008 12:03:35 PM
Author: Ms.Dreamy

Date: 6/7/2008 11:47:21 A


I think if you love him you should make every effort to stop trying to manipulate him into something that he doesn''t want

maybe asking some people is a way of getting over it - because I see that other guys think the same way that he is and it has nothing to do with me or his unwillingness to show commitment to others - maybe most people think like he does: that it''s just a piece of metal with no significance and maybe my sentimental way to think about it is the exeption

but don''t get me wrong: I definitely don''t want to manipulate his thoughts about it - I just wish he would think the same way than I do - which is not the case - So, your right and I have simply to get over it. And I definitely can get over it when I know that it just has to do with the male view on jewellery as an annoying piece of metal on your finger



Are you sure it''s just that it''s a "piece of metal"? Because if you''re not sure about him...how do you know he''s sure about you? I don''t get this at all...

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

thanks, pandora for the book recommendation. I''ll buy that book and if I like it I could even show it to my BF - we have an open relationship where wo discuss about that topic quite often.

anyway, I think that the fact that we discuss about everything is a good sign and shows me how important it is to us BOTH and that we are on the same page.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/7/2008 10:38:57 PM
Author: vslover

Are you sure it''s just that it''s a ''piece of metal''? Because if you''re not sure about him...how do you know he''s sure about you? I don''t get this at all...

For me it is a symbol, but I wanted to say that for OTHER people a ring is just a piece of metal - they don''t see it so much in a symbolic way and have other ways to show their love and don''t have the need to wear a ring as a sign of commitment.