Any DINK (Double income no kids) couples out there?

[Jennifer5973]

Date: 8/5/2005 3:41:03 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
widget
believe me,you will never be able to convince the DINKs on here, the good side of having childrens. i don't think they will know if they make the right decision, until they get older. today's DINKs believe in freedom. get up and go anywhere,anytime, when ever they want to. sure...i remember how it was

my friends were out having fun and i had to stay home and change diapers.i'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decide to have kids later on in life.i wouldn't want to trade places with them right now.

DF, what are you talking about?

No one ever said there aren't good sides to having kids...it's just not a choice for everyone. I think the "DINKS" have issues with overbearing, know-it-alls whose philosophy is that if you don't have kids, there is either someththing really wrong with you or your life is less meaningful. I am really happy your choices in life worked out for you. I hope mine do as well, although they are different. Maybe since I am so ambivelent about having kids, I should just have one as an insurance policy...yeah, that's a good idea.

The bottomline for me is I am sick of the self-righteous mommies (and daddies

) and their superior attitude. I don't act superior to those who have kids...so don't act superior to me....believe me, you are NOT in possession of a great and universal truth the DINKS are missing out on...

And Widget, I, for one, think you have shared your thoughts and perspectives in a very respecftful and eloquent manner. We may have different view points but I respect your choices and am truly happy that your children bring you so much joy.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/5/2005 8:40:50 AM
Author: widget
I'm a little surprised people feel the need to 'argue' with my comments.

Argue? Where did I say "No, you're wrong".....heck, I AGREED with a lot of what you said, and I said so. That's arguing? Gee, I thought the point of having a conversation was give and take and sharing of opinions......even opposing ones. When did such discourse become "arguing"?

Silly me. My mistake, obviously.

 

[widget]

Author: aljdewey

I thought the point of having a conversation was give and take and sharing of opinions......even opposing ones. When did such discourse become 'arguing'?

I think such discourse becomes argumentative when a person digresses from sharing his opinions, and starts 'sensing' or 'getting the feeling' about the underlying reasons or motives behind the other guy's opinions.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 8/6/2005 11:43:42 AM
Author: widget

Author: aljdewey

I thought the point of having a conversation was give and take and sharing of opinions......even opposing ones. When did such discourse become ''arguing''?

I think such discourse becomes ''arguing'' when a person digresses from sharing his opinions, and starts ''sensing'' or ''getting the feeling'' about the underlying reasons or motives behind the other guy''s opinions.

Wiget, I respect your perspective. I believe you are pure (obviously) in your belief. It''s not a point to argue with - just a different perspective. We are not arguing with you.

When I read you post, it warmed my heart & something I have given much thought to in terms of the future.

But, it doesn''t negate the fact that I know a few people who have wished they never had kids. And, most likey shouldn''t have had them in the first place. They are estranged from their children. I also have a friend who is estranged from his family. His father''s business was his child and should have stuck with that. Clearly, your connection to your child is a credit to your parenting.

Also, - and I''m not arguing - just pointing out something that jumped out at me. See, with me I see no reason that I won''t be connected to my friends & extended family (niece & nephews). It''s something that I work harder on because I want the connection. I can not see that changing. I can not be sure that would be the case had I had children.

Just my perpective.

 

[widget]

F&I: Oh, dear. I must confess that my original reference to "arguing" was an admittedly oblique response to a couple of things Alj said in her post that I found mildly offensive. I should have taken any "arguments" I had with her to the PM level.

I think that 99.9% of this thread has been about sharing different perspectives...and I think that''s just great.

BTW...I hope I haven''t over-glamorized my personal experiences regarding parenthood. There was indeed some struggle and heartbreak along the way. That it ultimately turned out so well might be a testament to good luck rather than good parenting...

widget

 

[AGBF]

Date: 8/6/2005 7:34:29 AM
Author: Jennifer5973
I think the ''DINKS'' have issues with overbearing, know-it-alls whose philosophy is that if you don''t have kids, there is either someththing really wrong with you or your life is less meaningful.

I am a previous DINK (up to age 41), but one who always wanted a child or children. I am sure that people who are childless by choice do hear a lot of, "what''s wrong with you?". You won''t hear that from me, though! I am one of those people who feel you should have to get a license to have children! In my opinion very few people are qualified to be parents. I had to jump through hoops to adopt, but I don''t think even that screening was thorough enough to allow someone to become a parent. I think the world would be better off if everyone who wanted a child had to go through even more stringent tests than we did when we were adopting!!

In reality, this is unfair. Poor people without education have a right o have children. On the other hand, the world would be a better place if here were some way to implement a parenthood screening process!!

Deborah

 

[Mara]

Oh but Deb that opens up a whole new can of worms. I can guarantee you that most of the parents that I would consider not so great do not perceive themselves that way. They probably think that types like me should 'lighten up' and 'let kids be kids'. Who's right and wrong? (No one by the way..it's all perception). Who makes the decisions? As much as I think it would be fab to have a parent screening process, the ramifications of bad implementation/decision/management are just too great which is probably why it would never happen (not to mention that pesky 'infringing' upon people's rights thing

...).

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/6/2005 7:34:29 AM
Author: Jennifer5973

Date: 8/5/2005 3:41:03 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
widget
believe me,you will never be able to convince the DINKs on here, the good side of having childrens. i don't think they will know if they make the right decision, until they get older. today's DINKs believe in freedom. get up and go anywhere,anytime, when ever they want to. sure...i remember how it was

my friends were out having fun and i had to stay home and change diapers.i'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decide to have kids later on in life.i wouldn't want to trade places with them right now.

DF, what are you talking about?

No one ever said there aren't good sides to having kids...it's just not a choice for everyone. I think the 'DINKS' have issues with overbearing, know-it-alls whose philosophy is that if you don't have kids, there is either someththing really wrong with you or your life is less meaningful. I am really happy your choices in life worked out for you. I hope mine do as well, although they are different. Maybe since I am so ambivelent about having kids, I should just have one as an insurance policy...yeah, that's a good idea.

The bottomline for me is I am sick of the self-righteous mommies (and daddies

) and their superior attitude. I don't act superior to those who have kids...so don't act superior to me....believe me, you are NOT in possession of a great and universal truth the DINKS are missing out on...

only one

don't you want to see 1/2 dozen Jenn's

running around the house.

we too.....have been taking a lot of beating from the DINK's here.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Date: 8/6/2005 6:17:08 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 8/6/2005 7:34:29 AM
Author: Jennifer5973

Date: 8/5/2005 3:41:03 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
widget
believe me,you will never be able to convince the DINKs on here, the good side of having childrens. i don''t think they will know if they make the right decision, until they get older. today''s DINKs believe in freedom. get up and go anywhere,anytime, when ever they want to. sure...i remember how it was

my friends were out having fun and i had to stay home and change diapers.i''m the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decide to have kids later on in life.i wouldn''t want to trade places with them right now.

DF, what are you talking about?

No one ever said there aren''t good sides to having kids...it''s just not a choice for everyone. I think the ''DINKS'' have issues with overbearing, know-it-alls whose philosophy is that if you don''t have kids, there is either someththing really wrong with you or your life is less meaningful. I am really happy your choices in life worked out for you. I hope mine do as well, although they are different. Maybe since I am so ambivelent about having kids, I should just have one as an insurance policy...yeah, that''s a good idea.

The bottomline for me is I am sick of the self-righteous mommies (and daddies

) and their superior attitude. I don''t act superior to those who have kids...so don''t act superior to me....believe me, you are NOT in possession of a great and universal truth the DINKS are missing out on...

only one

don''t you want to see 1/2 dozen Jenn''s

running around the house.

we too.....have been taking a lot of beating from the DINK''s here.

Don''t worry, DF, I still luv ya, even if you''re a self-righteous baby freak.......

 

[kbaker]

Personally, for me, the biggest frustration is the constant "verbal" from people who do have kids. I am confident with my decision and I just want to live a happy and peaceful life, contribute to society thorugh my job etc. Then I get the comments: "You guys would be the perfect parents, I can''t believe you aren''t having kids, you''re going to regret it one day." and that''s when I get frustrated. ............ and the irony of the situation, is that these same people were just complaining about not sleeping or their husband just dosen''t take care of the house/kids..... UGGGGGGGGGG.

I think that''s why we get so frustrated. I would love nothing more than to have everyone be happy with their respective lives/choices and not offer useless advice. I certainly don''t walk around telling people *NOT* to have kids or to become a speech therapist or get a Honda. I''m just content with me.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Jenn

luv ya too, still think you have one of the most beautiful pair eyes

even though you''re a DINK.

 

[Mara]

Last nite we were at a wedding and we sat at a table with 3 other couples with 1-2 kids each. We totally could not relate to their convos about kids, so we talked with another couple (friends of ours actually) until the conversation was pretty much ended. Then BAM. They asked us how long we''d been married, when the kids were coming etc. We did the whole ''oh we aren''t sure'' and from that point on it was like ''Oh you HAVE To have them, you will regret it if you don''t'' and ''you should have them right away instead of waiting too long'' and on and on. The people were really very nice so we didn''t take offense but we were kind of like..okay enough already by the time ~20m or so had passed.

The whole thing made me think of this thread!

 

[kbaker]

My exact point. It get so old!!!!! We''ve been married for nearly 5 years and people say things like " Haven''t you had enough time to be selfish!" Every time I get a comment, I''m like "What did you just say to me?!?!?!?!!?"

I don''t think the main issues of being a DINK or not have anything to do with kids...It has to do with respecing each others opinions and life choices.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Date: 8/7/2005 3:41:26 PM
Author: So.Cal Girl
My exact point. It get so old!!!!! We''ve been married for nearly 5 years and people say things like '' Haven''t you had enough time to be selfish!'' Every time I get a comment, I''m like ''What did you just say to me?!?!?!?!!?''

I don''t think the main issues of being a DINK or not have anything to do with kids...It has to do with respecing each others opinions and life choices.

After five pages, here is the very crux of the matter. Well said.

 

[MrsFrk]

Date: 8/7/2005 10:03:22 PM
Author: Jennifer5973

Date: 8/7/2005 3:41:26 PM

Author: So.Cal Girl

My exact point. It get so old!!!!! We''ve been married for nearly 5 years and people say things like '' Haven''t you had enough time to be selfish!'' Every time I get a comment, I''m like ''What did you just say to me?!?!?!?!!?''


I don''t think the main issues of being a DINK or not have anything to do with kids...It has to do with respecing each others opinions and life choices.

After five pages, here is the very crux of the matter. Well said.

Amen.

 

[websailor]

Date: 8/7/2005 11:21:23 PM
Author: MrsFrk

Date: 8/7/2005 10:03:22 PM
Author: Jennifer5973

Date: 8/7/2005 3:41:26 PM

Author: So.Cal Girl

My exact point. It get so old!!!!! We''ve been married for nearly 5 years and people say things like '' Haven''t you had enough time to be selfish!'' Every time I get a comment, I''m like ''What did you just say to me?!?!?!?!!?''


I don''t think the main issues of being a DINK or not have anything to do with kids...It has to do with respecing each others opinions and life choices.

After five pages, here is the very crux of the matter. Well said.

Amen.

So.Cal Girl,

Ditto, AGREED! Well said!!!

 

[monarch64]

This is my first post...I''ve been "lurking" for a few weeks, and finally got motivated to speak up! I saw this thread and had to respond because I no longer feel alone in my indecisiveness to have children. I''m 28, my husband of 2 years is 35, and we are really on the fence about whether or not to have kids. We are really feeling the pressure from all of our friends and family, but just don''t know if it''s right for us. We love traveling, and buying ourselves presents, and of course children will change all that. So it was great to see similar opinions out there. It''s also great to see all your beautiful jewels!

 

[mrs jam]

Currently, we''re very happy DINKS. So far I''m satisfield just being an aunt to my nephew and niece. I also teach 3rd grade, and let me tell you, it is soooooo lovely to come home to a quiet, child-free house. By the end of the day, I don''t have a very large reserve of patience or nurturing left! I just don''t see things changing, and I don''t hear my clock ticking.

My brother and sister-in-law were married for ten years before they had their first. They swore they were never having kids, either. When they called to tell me I was going to be an aunt, I thought they meant they were getting another dog.

 

[kbaker]

LOL! We are the same way. People are going to just assume that we are going to get another dog, when our siblings are having another child.

 

[jane2006]

it there DINK club around Richmond, VA?

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/19/2005 11:52:57 PM
Author: mrs jam

My brother and sister-in-law were married for ten years before they had their first. They swore they were never having kids, either. When they called to tell me I was going to be an aunt, I thought they meant they were getting another dog.

That is hysterical! ROTFLMAO!

 

[kbaker]

I still think this whole thread is hysterical. It''s a debate that will withstand the test of time.

 

[cshamo]

Date: 8/19/2005 11:39:15 PM
Author: monarch64
This is my first post...I''ve been ''lurking'' for a few weeks, and finally got motivated to speak up! I saw this thread and had to respond because I no longer feel alone in my indecisiveness to have children. I''m 28, my husband of 2 years is 35, and we are really on the fence about whether or not to have kids. We are really feeling the pressure from all of our friends and family, but just don''t know if it''s right for us. We love traveling, and buying ourselves presents, and of course children will change all that. So it was great to see similar opinions out there. It''s also great to see all your beautiful jewels!

I just spent the last hour or so going through all the posts of this thread. I must say how comforting it is to know that there are others out there who feel very similarly with regards to the question of children. Now, I''ll introduce myself: I''m 30 years old, and my husband is 29. I''m currently working an office job that is not very thrilling to me, and my husband is applying for law school. I am undecided whether to have children. My husband is leaning on the "let''s not" side. Here are the arguments (for and against) I am considering:

For:
1. I have a very small family (just my parents and my husband - no siblings; his family resides in Russia) and would like to have more family around.
2. I like the idea of raising people who will not become the unruly creatures I''ve seen in restaurants, theatres, etc.
3. I like kids. I used to be a teacher, and being surrounded by thirty 13 year olds every hour did not phase me too much.
4. I would like to see who they would become, and have a strong bond with them throughout their lives.
5. I would love to introduce the wonders of the world to someone who has never experienced the things I''ve experienced.

Against:
1. Loss of money, time, and spontaneity.
2. Thinking less of my and my husband''s needs and wants - reprioritizing my life.
3. Noise. Messy house. More noise.
4. Worrying.
5. PREGNANCY - oye! I just LOST 20 lbs! I don''t want to ruin my efforts, and possibly have complications.

It seems like I''ve answered my own question, but I feel like I might regret the decision not to go through with it, regardless of everything I''ve listed in the "Against" column. I honestly don''t know what I want.

I''m lucky that no one is pressuring me in my family. My parents say that if I want kids, great. If I don''t, that''s my choice and they''ll respect that. They would love to be grandparents, but they also understand. My husband''s parents, however, have already begun harping on him and I think that is helping to drive him away from wanting kids. I cannot talk to them about this because they only speak Russian (argh!).

My husband says he''s leaning towards not having kids because he admits that he is selfish of his time and how he wants to spend it. He doesn''t know if he''d ever be able to give up anything for a child. I know that I could if I chose to.

I don''t know if there exists any advice for my situation. If you feel you have some, please share. Thanks for listening.

 

[movie zombie]

some ramblings:

i am encouraged that there are couples in this day and age that realize they do not need children to feel ''complete''.

i had a converstion with an 80+ woman at a happy hour in monterey who said to me "i wasn''t a good mother". she believes she should never have had children but......

i have thanked a woman who disciplined her child and did not let him run wild and be disruptive in a grocery store. it was refreshing and as such i thought deserved to be complimented.

i''ve seen too many people who couldn''t take care of their dog/cat who thought they just had to have kids.

it is the responsibility of parents to raise children who will make it in this world ON THEIR OWN. what i see are kids being raised that think the world revolves around them.

some years back i was in a restaurant and there was a group eating at the table directly behind me. one child kept getting up, climbing under his table, under chairs, and then proceeded to try and do the same at my table. i politely asked the mother to get her child to refrain from bumping into me. when they got up to leave she ''thanked'' me for ruining her daughter''s birthday dinner. no thought that her son was ruining my dining experience! i had the nerve to ask her to control her child and i was the one out of line!

so, i thank you all for this thread and discussion. for those that don''t want children, i applaud you. for those that decide to go for it, please remember your job is not to be your child''s friend but to be a parent.

peace, movie zombie

ps and the pressure doesn''t stop once you have a child.....you must, of course, have a 2nd to keep the 1st company.

 

[partgypsy]

at least we agree that having a child is a deeply held personal choice. Hopefully everyone takes bringing a child into this world as seriously as the people on this forum here. I give money every year to Planned Parenthood because I really believe in their aims, that having a child is a CHOICE, that every child in this world be wanted, loved and cared for, not accidental, unintended, or god forbid unwanted. Unfortunately with the current climate there are increasing attacks on sex education, access to reproductive health care services and birth control. Unless we support those things, I cannot blame poor uneducated parents entirely on their bad choices, because it may not have been a choice in the first place.

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

I''m sorry, I had to LMAO at this "ps and the pressure doesn''t stop once you have a child.....you must, of course, have a 2nd to keep the 1st company. "

It is soooooooooo true! Hubby and I get the "when are you having kids" questions ALL the time. My grandmother has 12 children and hubbys deceased grandmother had like 6, all of our aunts, uncles and adult cousins have ATLEAST two kids etc. etc. So it is just unimaginable that we may decide to NOT have them. Then of course there is the "you don''t want to wait too long to have your first because when are you going to have the second"? BOOOO, who said I even wanted a first much less a second? hehe I just feel that the decision to have or not have children is very personal and people should respect a couples'' privacy in that regard.

Reminds me of an incident where a 31 year old co-worker of mine was asked by another co-worker when her and her husband would finally have some children. My co-worker became all teary eyed and excused herself, of course the inquisitive one did not understand why she was so torn up and began to complain about how she needs to calm down, not over-react etc................well, little did she know that this particular co-worker had been trying to have children for 3 years and her and her hubby had spent tens of thousands of dollars on failed fertility treatments etc. Of course I could not tell her this and the sad part is she will never realize the effect her unthoughtful, nosey question truly had.

 

[monarch64]

I have to say "thank God" that we''ve never been harrassed about having children by our families. We both come from small ones (hmm, wonder why), my mother has always been a stay-at-home mom who always tells me not to have a baby unless I''m aching for one, his mother is nearly retired and I think just knows better than to ask. Both our fathers are still working, post-retirement (his dad is still with a company; mine is self-employed). It''s the extended family who has issues with us not having kids yet (after only 2 years of marriage.) Some of our extended familiy have definitely hinted around about the subject, which is quite bothersome to us. I don''t recall ever asking anyone, jeez, are you done yet? Or, wow, why don''t you get a vasectomy?

 

[kbaker]

I think this thread has evolved from a " Do you want kids or not" to the realization that everyone out there is getting so much pressure to reproduce. IT''S SO SAD. It is such a huge life decision to have a child and it seems like getting advice from my next door neighbor, hairdresser, etc. is so unnecessary. And then if you answer honestly, you get MORE advice..."You''re going to change your mind", or "You would be a GREAT parent (Duh) or my favorite "Don''t wait too long or you will be an old parent or won''t be able to get pregnant at all!!" UUGGGG! I am seriously thinking of telling people that I am infertile so that they leave me alone....

 

[coconut]

Our stuation is kind of different I guess...

All his life my husband dreamed of being a dad, playing with his kids doing the whole coaching thing.. etc.
I never really wanted kids, and never really saw the necessity of having them...

In college, my bestfriend got pregnant and we had to support her through abortion because her jerk of an ex went home for a summer internship.
She took the aborting pills but they didn''t get the job done despite excessive bleeding and she had to go through surgery later on..
It really brought things into perspective. We knew then that having kids shouldn''t be something that happens, but something carefullly planned when both partners are 1000% ready.

We will not have any kids until we are happy and satisfied with our careers and mentally ready
and if that day never comes we agreed that we would ner have kids.

My husband and I are not DINKS since we are both in school.

When my in-laws proposed a pre-nuptual agreement, there was a section receiving $ if I have kids and it increased with the number of kids I had..
My DH did not want me to sign a pre-nup so I am not entitled to anything even if I have kids.....
But my sister-in-law, my DH''s older brother''s wife, is 30 and is pregnant with their second child. It will be a boy and she will receive a hefty sum for her efforts.

I am in no way saying she is having kids to get $$ she is so sweet and spoils her daughter rotten...
but I guess I''m trying to say that the compensation for having children are not only for the lower class ppl with welfare...

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 11/3/2005 12:42:57 AM
Author: coconut
When my in-laws proposed a pre-nuptual agreement, there was a section receiving $ if I have kids and it increased with the number of kids I had..
My DH did not want me to sign a pre-nup so I am not entitled to anything even if I have kids.....
But my sister-in-law, my DH's older brother's wife, is 30 and is pregnant with their second child. It will be a boy and she will receive a hefty sum for her efforts.

I am in no way saying she is having kids to get $$ she is so sweet and spoils her daughter rotten...
but I guess I'm trying to say that the compensation for having children are not only for the lower class ppl with welfare...

joanna....are you saying that your ILs tried to bribe you to have kids????

I hope I read that wrong, but it doesn't sound like I did...

I'm glad to hear that your DH didn't want you to sign such a thing...sounds like you have a very supportive DH!! Good for you!!!