Any DINK (Double income no kids) couples out there?

[treysar]

This thread makes the KNOT look good.

 

[Nadeen]

Hello!
I wonder if anyone can reassure me that my fiancé and I ( 29 and 30 years old) are not the only ones that do not want children.
We had a hard time to find each other and we just want to spend our time enjoying the fact that we are both happy at last!
Is that so terrible? Why people just cannot accept this and be happy for us instead of wiiling to question our happiness by sillly remarks: "Oh, you say that now but you will change your mind".
I am happy for the people that want and have kids. Why can''t they do the same for us and accept the fact that we can be happy in so many different ways!
We feel really alone, especially me cause here in Ireland I don''t know anybody who do not want kids and have our age.
It would help me a lot if other people could tell me what they think and maybe if some of you are in Ireland, maybe we could meet or something...

Thank you for your time !

 

[Lorelei]

Nadeen welcome

I completely understand how you feel, also I am in England. Right from when I was a young child I knew I wasn''t meant to be a mother. My Husband and I have been together almost 20 years, he feels the same way I do, that children would not play a part in our lives. Even after all this time we are still very happy with our decision. My advice is to ignore those who think you are abnormal, selfish or roll their eyes " knowingly" and say you will change your mind. It is your life and your marriage and your choice whether or not to bring children into this world, no business of anyones except you and your Husband - and that includes immediate family

. Stick to your guns and follow your heart, I always found that as reply such as " it hasn''t happened yet" then change the subject will generally throw the nosey folk for a loop - as then they change their tune by thinking maybe you CAN''T have kids or can''t get pregnant - then you watch them avoid the subject - it works! Enjoy your lives together and feel good that you have made the right decision for you both - and if anyone else doesn''t like it - they should mind their own beeswax

! Hope this helps.

 

[blodthecat]

Wow...lots of posts for this thread.

Every single one of us is absolutely unique. We experience different things, have different goals and different ambitions.

It would be so bloody boaring if we all wanted the same things in life.

We should celebrate our diversity!!!!

Blod

BTW...I have to say that people who ask 'why are you not having children' are extremely rude. It's a very personal decision made between a couple. And as Lorelei quite rightly said 'they should mind their own beeswax'

 

[Nadeen]

Thank you very much for your replies. I really appreciate it.

I don''t feel alone anymore and I am conforted in our decision.
It''s funny the way when I pass by a woman with her baby, or another person with a kitty or a dog, I will sistematically turn around to see the pets and cuddle them if I can, but babies just don''t make me feel that way at all!!!
I want a kitty whenever I can get one and I will call it "Coin"... and I am very proud of it!

Thank you again for your nice supportive messages

 

[Lorelei]

Blimey Nadeen you have come to the right place! Blod and I am animal and cat maniacs as are many of us here! Feel good about your decision and I am glad we helped a bit

I would cuddle a kitty in preference to a baby anyday too

 

[Gracie1]

I'm in total agreement with you So.Cal and WTNLVR. My husband and I completely enjoy the freedom we have. We have been together for 9 years and thoroughly enjoy spending quality time together and with friends. However, I often get asked when I am having children, as if I am abnormal for choosing not to have a child. I am still not sure whether or not I will at some point have a child, but for now don't see it in the forseeable future. I truly enjoy my life and find if very fulfilling.

P.S. My husband and I just got a puppy (he's my avatar) and I have discovered I am in no way ready for the responsibility of a child...the puppy is enough work!

Edited: Didn't realize how long this thread was and the posts I am responding to are way back on the first page. Anyway, just wanted to say after reading through all the posts that I am in total agreement and am glad that there are so many others out there making the same decision.

 

[kbaker]

Gracie1, your puppy is so cute!! Much cuter than any kid I''ve seen this week

. LOL Enjoy!
This thread is surprisingly active after all this time, every once in a while, someone new will come across it, read the entire content and just have to post! It''s pretty entertaining, because there are so many of us out there now.

 

[jewelgal]

What a great topic!! Bravo!!!!

I wish I had those "maternal instincts" - but I don''t. Years ago I did and I couldn''t wait to have a baby and buy the clothes and decorate, etc., but they went away when I Had to become responsible and start paying my way, buy a home, etc..
Children are a huge responsibility. Maybe because I don''t have a lot of children to be around?? Maybe because I love my dog like a child?

People ask, "Don''t you want a BABY?" and I''m like, Sure everyone wants a BABY. They''re cute and fun to dress up and go shopping and tote around..........BUT the question should be, "Do you want a 12 year old?" etc.? I think about the future a lot and wonder if I will get old and regret it if I don''t have any kids. I get tired quickly and not sure if i would not have enough energy or peppiness to be a cheerleader for my children - you know? I don''t want to be a parent that is like that - and I love time to myself, but I always wonder - am I missing out???

Should one have a child WITHOUT having those maternal instincts??

It stinks and it''s a matter of being indecisive and trying to figure out the why''s of Why I don''t feel like it.

If anyone can help, pls chime in!

 

[lmurden]

Hi All,

This is a great thread! I really respect everyone for being so honest and I would be curious to see which DINK ends up having kids.

I know for sure that I have always wanted kids every since I could remember but I never wanted them before thirty. I''m so glad that I went to college, traveled a bit, partied til I''ve drop, and whatever else, because now I feel like I haven''t missed out on anything. Since I''ve been in my thirties I have been very conscious of when I''m ready to have kid because I know that I don''t want to have any kids after forty. My finance and I talk about having kids on a regular basis and we are definitely on the same page. We are a little scared of the financial aspects and certainly the sacrifices that we will have to make but in the end we think it will be worth it! Just wanted to share.

 

[DonaBella]

Interesting and valid thread...I respect those who know themselves well enough to refrain from becoming parents. Parenthood is NOT for everyone. I have family members who have had a child and have had a difficult time adapting. They gave way to pressure and it has been most devastating for the child.

My husband''s aunt from his mom''s side is a perfect poster person as an example why one should not have kids. She has told me directly that it just wasn''t part of what she wanted in this life. She is well into her 80''s and does not regret not having kids. In all frankness, despite how well educated or prepared one thinks you can be, parenthood is not a ''one size, fits all'' concept.

I am a mother---of 9 kids. Does anyone ever think of how awkward and persecuting it is when you have several kids and people keep asking you if you know how that happened? Please! No--I did NOT plan on 9 kids. In all honesty, I thought 4 kids was fine. I came from a family of 4 kids. Hubby did, too. The next question is usually ''than how did you end up with 9 kids if you didn''t plan on it?''

There is many ways to handle any question of a personal nature, so I have learned how to do so without being arrogant or b*tchy and still answering it. Three of our kids were conceived while I was on the pill. Yep, the pill. Was I thrilled? Eh...no, but I was relieved they were fine and healthy when they were born. Hubby had a vasectomy while I was pregnant with the last one. Tried on several occasions to arrange this(hubby has held upper exec. type positions with a-hole type bosses who would not allow him time off for such a thing...jerks!)

When someone starts to pry as to the size of my family, especially if they are a bit arrogant--and boy, have I met quite a few--I tell them that I had a few "bonus babies." Bonus babies are ones that you don''t plan for(like the bonus from work that you get but didn''t count on planning for) but in the end, you adapt to. Does this mean I didn''t love or want them? Well, yes...and no.

Yes, I wanted a healthy child each time, but no, I wasn''t always thrilled to be pregnant. Hubby even less so. As much as it has been alot of work, and it has, I keep thinking, if I had to choose, who would I have not had? My hubby is a great provider, hard working, diligent and tries very hard to do whats right....but if I was to do it again, I first of all do not think I would have married him and had kids with him. He had a detached father, who was a total ass and treated his wife horrible, his kids, he hardly went to anything they were in. Because of that, my husband has had a hard time being the all around fab dad who lives and breathes his kids. That is SO not him.

Don''t get me wrong...he can be and is a good father, when he can. Its just not something that comes naturally to him.

So, basically, I just wanted to comment that yes, being a couple who has deliberately decided to not have kids is fine by me. You know what you want included in your life and what not. There is enough people like me who are. I hate, I detest reading about those who mistreat little ones because ''it happened so fast(to be a parent) and they were so not ready''.

Being a mom of a lot of kids, I have been socially penalized as well and it sucks. I don''t dump on those like yourselves and I wish there wasn''t those who feel inclined to shake their heads at me. I am a young 46 year old who adores--most of the time--being a mom. I know for me, I would not have enjoyed life as much without my kids. I see in them alot of myself and am in awe to discover who they are. They forced me to grow up in a way that would not have happened for my personality. Some people do not need to tread down that path to reach their potential. No problem. I love forward to enjoying them as young adults with families of their own and grandkids for me to spoil. That is richness to me...

Sorry to go on and on, but this is a juicy topic and I felt it approp. to state my opinion...

 

[leeenie]

Date: 3/25/2006 4:15:56 PM
Author: DeannaBana
Interesting and valid thread...I respect those who know themselves well enough to refrain from becoming parents. Parenthood is NOT for everyone. I have family members who have had a child and have had a difficult time adapting. They gave way to pressure and it has been most devastating for the child.

My husband''s aunt from his mom''s side is a perfect poster person as an example why one should not have kids. She has told me directly that it just wasn''t part of what she wanted in this life. She is well into her 80''s and does not regret not having kids. In all frankness, despite how well educated or prepared one thinks you can be, parenthood is not a ''one size, fits all'' concept.

I am a mother---of 9 kids. Does anyone ever think of how awkward and persecuting it is when you have several kids and people keep asking you if you know how that happened? Please! No--I did NOT plan on 9 kids. In all honesty, I thought 4 kids was fine. I came from a family of 4 kids. Hubby did, too. The next question is usually ''than how did you end up with 9 kids if you didn''t plan on it?''

There is many ways to handle any question of a personal nature, so I have learned how to do so without being arrogant or b*tchy and still answering it. Three of our kids were conceived while I was on the pill. Yep, the pill. Was I thrilled? Eh...no, but I was relieved they were fine and healthy when they were born. Hubby had a vasectomy while I was pregnant with the last one. Tried on several occasions to arrange this(hubby has held upper exec. type positions with a-hole type bosses who would not allow him time off for such a thing...jerks!)

When someone starts to pry as to the size of my family, especially if they are a bit arrogant--and boy, have I met quite a few--I tell them that I had a few ''bonus babies.'' Bonus babies are ones that you don''t plan for(like the bonus from work that you get but didn''t count on planning for) but in the end, you adapt to. Does this mean I didn''t love or want them? Well, yes...and no.

Yes, I wanted a healthy child each time, but no, I wasn''t always thrilled to be pregnant. Hubby even less so. As much as it has been alot of work, and it has, I keep thinking, if I had to choose, who would I have not had? My hubby is a great provider, hard working, diligent and tries very hard to do whats right....but if I was to do it again, I first of all do not think I would have married him and had kids with him. He had a detached father, who was a total ass and treated his wife horrible, his kids, he hardly went to anything they were in. Because of that, my husband has had a hard time being the all around fab dad who lives and breathes his kids. That is SO not him.

Don''t get me wrong...he can be and is a good father, when he can. Its just not something that comes naturally to him.

So, basically, I just wanted to comment that yes, being a couple who has deliberately decided to not have kids is fine by me. You know what you want included in your life and what not. There is enough people like me who are. I hate, I detest reading about those who mistreat little ones because ''it happened so fast(to be a parent) and they were so not ready''.

Being a mom of a lot of kids, I have been socially penalized as well and it sucks. I don''t dump on those like yourselves and I wish there wasn''t those who feel inclined to shake their heads at me. I am a young 46 year old who adores--most of the time--being a mom. I know for me, I would not have enjoyed life as much without my kids. I see in them alot of myself and am in awe to discover who they are. They forced me to grow up in a way that would not have happened for my personality. Some people do not need to tread down that path to reach their potential. No problem. I love forward to enjoying them as young adults with families of their own and grandkids for me to spoil. That is richness to me...

Sorry to go on and on, but this is a juicy topic and I felt it approp. to state my opinion...

Wow 9 kids - that must take a LOT of patience (and energy)! I saw this show on TLC w/this couple who have 17 kids (they don'' t believe in birth control, and started when she was in her early 20''s, so she has basically been pregnant for almost 20 years). It was astounding.

It''s refreshing to me that while you enjoy your life and obviously love your kids, that you still reflect on how things have turned out and have an open mind...it kind of bothers me when people delude themselves into thinking that their life is the best way to do things just because that''s how it turned out for them and lord it over you...so thanks.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 3/25/2006 4:42:18 PM
Author: teagreen

Date: 3/25/2006 4:15:56 PM
Author: DeannaBana
Interesting and valid thread...I respect those who know themselves well enough to refrain from becoming parents. Parenthood is NOT for everyone. I have family members who have had a child and have had a difficult time adapting. They gave way to pressure and it has been most devastating for the child.

My husband''s aunt from his mom''s side is a perfect poster person as an example why one should not have kids. She has told me directly that it just wasn''t part of what she wanted in this life. She is well into her 80''s and does not regret not having kids. In all frankness, despite how well educated or prepared one thinks you can be, parenthood is not a ''one size, fits all'' concept.

I am a mother---of 9 kids. Does anyone ever think of how awkward and persecuting it is when you have several kids and people keep asking you if you know how that happened? Please! No--I did NOT plan on 9 kids. In all honesty, I thought 4 kids was fine. I came from a family of 4 kids. Hubby did, too. The next question is usually ''than how did you end up with 9 kids if you didn''t plan on it?''

There is many ways to handle any question of a personal nature, so I have learned how to do so without being arrogant or b*tchy and still answering it. Three of our kids were conceived while I was on the pill. Yep, the pill. Was I thrilled? Eh...no, but I was relieved they were fine and healthy when they were born. Hubby had a vasectomy while I was pregnant with the last one. Tried on several occasions to arrange this(hubby has held upper exec. type positions with a-hole type bosses who would not allow him time off for such a thing...jerks!)

When someone starts to pry as to the size of my family, especially if they are a bit arrogant--and boy, have I met quite a few--I tell them that I had a few ''bonus babies.'' Bonus babies are ones that you don''t plan for(like the bonus from work that you get but didn''t count on planning for) but in the end, you adapt to. Does this mean I didn''t love or want them? Well, yes...and no.

Yes, I wanted a healthy child each time, but no, I wasn''t always thrilled to be pregnant. Hubby even less so. As much as it has been alot of work, and it has, I keep thinking, if I had to choose, who would I have not had? My hubby is a great provider, hard working, diligent and tries very hard to do whats right....but if I was to do it again, I first of all do not think I would have married him and had kids with him. He had a detached father, who was a total ass and treated his wife horrible, his kids, he hardly went to anything they were in. Because of that, my husband has had a hard time being the all around fab dad who lives and breathes his kids. That is SO not him.

Don''t get me wrong...he can be and is a good father, when he can. Its just not something that comes naturally to him.

So, basically, I just wanted to comment that yes, being a couple who has deliberately decided to not have kids is fine by me. You know what you want included in your life and what not. There is enough people like me who are. I hate, I detest reading about those who mistreat little ones because ''it happened so fast(to be a parent) and they were so not ready''.

Being a mom of a lot of kids, I have been socially penalized as well and it sucks. I don''t dump on those like yourselves and I wish there wasn''t those who feel inclined to shake their heads at me. I am a young 46 year old who adores--most of the time--being a mom. I know for me, I would not have enjoyed life as much without my kids. I see in them alot of myself and am in awe to discover who they are. They forced me to grow up in a way that would not have happened for my personality. Some people do not need to tread down that path to reach their potential. No problem. I love forward to enjoying them as young adults with families of their own and grandkids for me to spoil. That is richness to me...

Sorry to go on and on, but this is a juicy topic and I felt it approp. to state my opinion...

Wow 9 kids - that must take a LOT of patience (and energy)! I saw this show on TLC w/this couple who have 17 kids (they don'' t believe in birth control, and started when she was in her early 20''s, so she has basically been pregnant for almost 20 years). It was astounding.

It''s refreshing to me that while you enjoy your life and obviously love your kids, that you still reflect on how things have turned out and have an open mind...it kind of bothers me when people delude themselves into thinking that their life is the best way to do things just because that''s how it turned out for them and lord it over you...so thanks.

Thanks...I didn''t mean to go on and on, honestly. When it comes to personal issues like this, I get a bit assertive and wish people would just mind their own freakin business!

Oh and patience? I wouldn''t say I am majorly patient, but since my husband is definitely not, than yes, I guess I am. Oh and not believing in birth control is just plain careless and insulting to everyone. I grew up with people who felt this way and I just couldn''t stand to be around them. It incensed me and made me want to corner them and ask to please get educated!!! I know that may sound weird coming from me, a mom with 9 kids, nine seperate pregnancies, but seriously...

Yes, I love my kids...very, very much, but I do caution them to not ''do as I have done'' so to say. If you are not geared to be a parent, then don''t. If you want to have kids, fine...but have the quantity that you and you partner have agreed on then take care of things so you don''t get ''bonus babies''. I am pretty straight up with my kids about sex, about birth control, about most anything that we can discuss.

I figure if they can''t talk to me about it, for criminy''s sake, who are they going to talk to?! It comes with the package of being a parent...the talks, the secrets that I am asked to keep--like when someone likes someone in their class or like when someone has their first Heineken and was freaked out to tell me...I am so far from perfect, but at least most of my kids have given me a chance to show them over and over again that I am there for the long haul...

 

[Mara]

Gosh this thread is so old!! It''s funny to read through all of it!

We are still torn about kids and most other kids still irritate me and I still see so many ill-behaved ones out there or parents bringing them to inappropriate places...but I will say that I have been thinking here and there that it would be really nice to have a little person that we had some hand in creating...Portia is great and all but.......well that''s as far as I have gotten so far. We still have years to think about it because we want to travel and do some other things before even thinking further about it. In the meantime, we have some friends who have kids that we can live vicariously through while we do our own thing.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 8/2/2005 12:37:30 PM
Author: widget
I''ve been reading this thread with interest....and wonder....are there any much older DINKs out there who could contribute? As one approaches the end of his life, is there ever regret over not having had children?

I''m in my sixties. Unlike today''s couples, we didn''t really think much about whether or not to have kids...we just had em. And I am so thankful that we did! I''m blown away by the pleasure and satisfaction I get watching my adult children raise their children (and do a better job of it, I might add..) They are remarkable young people and they enrich my life.

When I go, I''ll be leaving behind much much more than a nice jewelry collection or +3600 sq. ft. of living space.

JM2cts..
widget

Thank you, widget, for responding the way you did...I live VERY well in a large home(4200 sq. feet--6 bedrooms, a retreat for me, an office for him, a huge pool, a nice backyard, 4 baths), but woopee! I also am rich in children...9 kids to be exact. No, it hasn''t been easy, but yes, it sure as hell has been worth it. I am a young, vivacious 46 year old who is young enough to appreciate my kids and old enough to still have a heavy hand when needed.

I may not have an enviable amount of jewels by the world''s standards, but my life''s jewels are my kids. You can''t exactly put a price tag on that. Watching them grow up, enjoying their triumphs and being there to lessen the blow of defeats is just what I should be doing. Is it easy? Hell, no! But nothing worth having is easily attained.

As I age and my kids go off to live their lives, I will have the kind of riches that a bank vault could never hold. I have had my share of moments in restaurants, but nothing drastic...and with all 9 kids! Am I stern and drill sergent like? At times, but anytime one wants ANYONE to understand boundaries, you must be firm and mean it...even with another adult...so there is not much difference. Oh...and my kids know that school, scholarships, federal grants for college is the way things happen...not from dear ole mom and dad footing the bill. I had to make it on my own for college and I came from a family with 4 kids, me being the oldest.

I have no issue with those who want to parent "furry kids" rather than procreate. That is not my place to say that I approve or not. I have said it before...if you are not parent material, that is good that you know know before you have a child. Not everyone is meant to be.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 8/2/2005 3:23:14 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 8/2/2005 2:49:54 PM

I guess I take issue with the attitude of ''having kids is THE greatest thing in the world and if you don''t do it, well, then there is something seriously wrong with YOU.'' I just get that a lot.

I can tell you that I get it a lot, too.....and my response is always ''My choice may not be right for everyone, but it''s right for me. Just as your choice may not be right for everyone, and it''s not right for me, but it''s right for you.''

I find it really amusing that people will ask why we don''t want children, and then proceed to tell us why our reasons aren''t valid.

I think it is amazing that I get this same thing happening to me! I, too have to respond almost verbatim with words like you said here!

I guess I am just not into the whole judging thing...I really don''t care if someone is having a baby or wants to or not...its not my place to say anything...y''know?

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 8/2/2005 6:29:58 PM
Author: fire&ice

Date: 8/2/2005 5:12:53 PM
Author: MrsFrk
you are damned if you do, damned if you don''t. The working moms judge the stay at home moms, the stay at home moms judge the working moms, and all the moms get on their horse and judge us childless by choicers.

I loved all of your post - but this made me chuckle out loud. How true about soooo many things in life.

I''m been thinking. This is my thought

Having children is not a selfless act
Not having children is not a selfless act
Having children is not a selfish act
Not having children is not a selfish act

What is all comes down to = good parents to your children = selfless act. Notwithstanding the payback of a great grown kid.

This totally nailed it! Thank you for this...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 8/2/2005 7:06:15 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 8/1/2005 8:46:54 PM
Author: WTNLVR
o.k., here goes. No kids, comfortable bank account, house worth more than that of any of our friends abutting a golf course and +3600 sf of living space (for 2 people). Home theatre complete with theatre seating and wet bar. New motorcycle, 2 beatiful wheaten terriers, and lots of gorgeous jewels. Now, that''s what not having kids gets you. Oh, yeh- no college tuition bills.

and no childs to kiss you every night, saying....i love you mommy.

Good one....and more true than one could write...I LIVE for those "I love you mommy" times!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 8/2/2005 8:40:33 PM
Author: MrsFrk
Did you read any of my previous musings? I have no bone to pick with parents. I respect their choices. However, we childless women are far, far more persecuted for our choices.

And I would NEVER say something to you or another in that predicament that wasn''t asked for first...mutual respect is boundaryless...I hope I haven''t offended anyone...