Any other "not size 6" brides out there?

[chickflick]

Hello! I''m getting married in four months and have put off dress shopping because I just know it''s going to be frustrating. I''m currently a size 16, and while I''ve been losing weight and expect to be a 12 by my wedding I know I will never look the way brides are expected to look. it just feels like all the wedding dresses are made for thin women- everything is strapless, and the few dresses with sleeves look old-fashioned or matronly to me.

So not to complain, because I know weight is something within my control and I have chosen not to starve myself to fit society''s ideals, but I just wondered if anyone else feels this way?

And does anyone have any great tips for toning arms?

 

[Mara]

arms are very hard....you can't tone up 'fat'...it needs to go away, so you could have muscle under there, but it won't peek out til the fat is gone. (not that i think you are fat, but just in general for any body part, aka a six pack may be hiding under my stomach but if it's not flat then i won't know!!). my arms are the LAST THING to get good looking unfortunately, so i would just keep working out with small weights, aka 5 or 10 lbs and do repetitions with various exercises and see if it makes a difference. but as i lose weight elsewhere, i see it in my arms last.

persistence can pay off but you have to stick with it. it could take a while to see results.

i thought most bridal stores had a few sizes in stock of dresses? i am not a size 6 either and i didn't have problems trying on dresses. there were also all shapes of girls when i went in the few times. it may not be as bad as you think it will be, just go into a store and check it out! it should be fun! good luck!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don''t think you should put it off any longer! Depending on where you go a dress can take 4 months to come in. I got my dress from David''s. I love they have the different sizes IN STOCK so you can really tell what you will look like. We took home my dress the day I bought it but I know some people had to order it for various reasons.

I feel your pain about loosing weight. Dieting sucks. Working out sucks but being unhappy with my body is worse. I don''t think it''s about starving yourself to fit in society''s ideal. I think it is about being happy and feeling beautiful whether you need to drop 10 lbs or 50 lbs. I have a personal weight goal (5 lb range). I have been this weight before so I know it is realistic. I feel bad when I have friends who have really unrealistic goals and get disappointed and frusterated.

Mara is right about the arms. I use 5 lb weights in various exercises (Bridal Boot Camp has great pictures with different exercises and they are easy to follow) I can''t tell if my arms look different

but I do feel stronger.

Good luck with everything!

 

[E B]

chickflick,

I know what you mean about arms...they're definitely one of the hardest body areas to tone! I third what Mara and Tacori said about the weights...the latest InStyle Weddings (with Nikki Cox on the cover) actually has an article about toning arms.

With a wedding in only 4 months, I wouldn't wait any longer to dress shop. Have you tried any strapless gowns on before? You might love the way you look, toned arms or not! Then, you'll have the time to work on them. Also, if you're not completely happy with the way your arms look come wedding day, maybe consider a lace jacket (a la Monique Lhuillier?):

http://www.mcbridal.com/itemdetailgowns31.htm

http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridal_gowns_detail.jsp?stid=2293&prodgroup=10

It's all about your feeling comfortable on your wedding day, as it's obvious that you're going to look beautiful. Brides have that certain glow.

 

[firebirdgold]

I found these arm hoop thingys at Target. These things. When I actually use them they do wonders for my upper arms, and I have heavy arms.

Quick and easy to use in front of the tv in the morning or night. A small tip though... when you first learn to use them make sure all breakables are put away. I had a few times where they kinda.. flew. Now my dog hides when I get them out.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 4/2/2006 7:36:23 PM
Author: Wren
I found these arm hoop thingys at Target. These things. When I actually use them they do wonders for my upper arms, and I have heavy arms.

Quick and easy to use in front of the tv in the morning or night. A small tip though... when you first learn to use them make sure all breakables are put away. I had a few times where they kinda.. flew. Now my dog hides when I get them out.

those arm things look interesting. can you explain them?

 

[MissAva]

I am your size as well, and I am with you...I am not trying on dresses anytime soon. As for arms I really like Bridal Bootcamp, my lower arms are not changing much, but my upper arms are changing in a nice way.

 

[XChick03]

Wow, four months? You know, it can a few weeks just to get a dress in and a few more to get it altered, so you should really start looking. I''ve heard its a lot easier to get a dress taken in than taken out, so even if you lose weight, you can still get it altered to fit.

You know, I''ve had a similar problem. I wanted to go try on a few gowns today, but they had next to nothing in my size. Everything seemed to be either a size 4 or a 24.

 

[nicolejrx]

ME! I am also a size 16, I am 6 feet tall. That is great that you are trying to lose weight! Me too, I am hoping to be down to a size 14 for my wedding day. Which I know doesn''t sound like that big of a drop but for my body that means losing around 30 pounds. Grr...
Nicole

 

[Selkie]

I''m dreading wedding dress shopping for the same reasons...I''m 5''9" and wear a 16 or 18 in street clothes. It''s HARD trying to find styles that I like and might actually look good on me. I''m hoping to lose at least 20 pounds in the next 16 months, which feels like an extremely reasonable goal. I just bought an elliptical machine (on sale for $380, not a real fancy one, but good enough) for the apartment, and am actually being quite good about using it at least three times a week. A pilates class might be something to look into, combined with a good aerobic workout of some kind, for both fat-burning and toning your arms.

 

[chickflick]

Thanks, everyone. Sounds like I''m not alone, which is nice to know. I have a friend who got engaged and married in two months (she was pregnant) so I didn''t think I was cutting it that close with four months- we''ve only been officially engaged for two weeks and I didn''t want to dress shop until we were official. My mother and SIL are going with me this Saturday- going to Alfred Angelo and David''s Bridal, although I may end up trying eBay.

And I''m going to go try to find some of those hoopy things at Target!!

 

[nytemist]

Chickflick- I''m having my dress made (simply because I want a different color) but I tried on dresses at David''s. I''m a 12/14 and tried on a 16 dress (since wedding dresses ALL RUN SMALL) and it looked FAB on me! And it was strapless. I''m 5''3" and 50-30-42. Trust me, I''ve always hated dressing rooms, they tell me bad things, but if you try on the right dress for you, it will be a knockout on a woman with curves. My BM''s were there to look at BM dresses and I wanted to just humor them with how I would look in a normal wedding dress. Their mouths fell open.

ROCK your curves, ladies!!

Oh, and for arms? I''m in the gym 4 days a week, 5 if I''m good and every other day have a routine: 4 sets of tricep pull downs, bicep curls and extending the arms out to the sides with weights for the deltoids. If not at the gym, push-ups do wonders. Do 3 sets to start, aim for 6 reps and work your way up.

 

[InLuvWithMrH]

Date: 4/2/2006 5:47:59 PM
Author:chickflick
it just feels like all the wedding dresses are made for thin women- everything is strapless, and the few dresses with sleeves look old-fashioned or matronly to me.

I feel the same way, and I''m a size 8-10! I am dreading going shopping because it does seem everything is strapless, and I don''t really want a strapless look. I did see some pretty dresses that are off the shoulder....perhaps this is the way to go? Good luck with the weights...I may try that myself! It''s just the motivation part....argh!

 

[Caribou]

Chick, I''m not a 6 either. In regular clothes I wear a 8/10, but when I went to David''s I fit into a 12. I was disappointed at first because I''ve always been told that formal wear runs big...in HS I was a size 6, but I fit into a size 3 Jessica McClintock prom dress (how geeked was I

). My friend who is ''petite'' in size and frame told me that her wedding dress was a size 10 from David''s...so I felt better....I guess maybe formal wear doesn''t run big.

 

[lillei]

The way to lose fat is to build muscle, because muscle burns fat. In turn, the more muscle you build, the less noticeable cellulite is. Toning arms is definitely not impossible; it just takes discipline. Take 20 minutes out of your day, nearly every day to do simple arm exercises, and I''m sure you will be impressed with the results.

Some simple suggestions...the key to all of these is going to be focus. Other muscles in our bodies want to naturallly take over to help the weaker muscles out. Just make sure that whatever body part you are excersizing, is the only body part doing the work.
Try it for about 10-15 reps, or start off with WHATEVER you can do. If if you can only comfortably do 5, your body will adjust within a few days and you''ll have already bumped up to 10.

Wall push-ups: Face your body towards a wall. Put your hands flat against the wall, shoulder width apart, and only about an inch higher than your shoulders, so that you don''t damage your delicate muscles within your shoulders. Put your feet further behind you, (so that you make an angle, like a right triangle between yourself an the wall). Keep your abs tight, and focus...you want to ensure that the only muscles that you are using to push yourself towards the wall....slowly, and away from the wall....slowly, are your arms. With each push in, hold the position with your arms tight for 2 seconds, and do the same with each push out. Try it for about 10-15 reps, or start off with WHATEVER you can do. If if you can only comfortably do 5, your body will adjust within a few days and you''ll have already bumped up to 10.

Modified floor push ups:
keep your legs flat on the floor...spread your arms shoulder width apart, and align your wrists directly below your shoulders with your hands facing forward. Using only your arms, push yourself up, without completely straightening your arms. Hold that position for two seconds, and SLOWLY, so that you feel resistence, lower yourself down, but not all the way. Again, hold the down position for 2 seconds, and push yourself back up again. Make sure that the rest of your body is dead weight. For example you don''t want to use the muscles in your legs to help push yourself off the floor. You don''t want to lock your elbows when you push yourself up (straightening your arms completely) because then your arms aren''t doing much of the work.

Next for your triceps, (the bye-bye arm that jiggles when we girls wave), lay yourself flat on the floor again. Place your hands in a triangle formation. Your thumbs in a straight line facing each other and your index fingers touching each other. Place your hands on the floor in this formation, directly in front of your chest. Your elbows should be facing out to the sides. Whatever you do, dont place your arms higher than your shoulders...you will damage your shoulder muscles from the strain. Push yourself up, without going all the way up, and hold for 2 sec. Slowly let yourself down without going all the way to the ground, and hold yourself there for 2 seconds, and repeat. Even if you can only do 2 of them, I promise, with in a few days will work yourself up a few more and so on. Just make sure that you focus on your arms only, letting them do the work.

Another great way to build arm tone is to walk with weights on your arms. You can buy some soft wrist weights at sports stores for pretty cheap that vary between 1/2 lb and up.

I hope these help. Don''t get frustrated with the number of reps you can do. Remember that whatever amount you can do comfortably is building muscle, and soon you will be able to do more. After all, something is better than nothing.

Of course, if you start having chest pain, palpitations, difficulty breathing, dizziness, etc...STOP! I''m not a doctor, just a nurse, and by no means can actually give you a reccomendation for exercise without knowing your medical background. It''s just that I have found these particular ones to show great results, as long as you are doing them properly and your doctor has medically cleared you for exercise of this type. Good luck!!!!

 

[blodthecat]

Hi Chickflick,

God, every woman on the planet knows how you feel.

BUT...your partner didn''t choose a size 6 girl, who looks like she needs a good meal inside her. He chose you!!!

Time to buy a dress, and enjoy the process.

BTW...if you partner gained 10LBS before the wedding, would you love him less!

EXACTLY!

Blod

 

[Tybee]

Oh,

I love BlodtheCat''s answer!

Good luck sweet heart! You should go out there and try on dresses! It''s YOU your fiance proposed to,
not a size 6 bride.

And there''s nothing wrong with trying to get fit, I''m all for it, and addicted to running, myself. The
only danger is in disappointing yourself. Our darn society has messed up a lot of girls and women,
myself included, trying to fit the PERFECT size model.

I recommend trying to get fit, but for fitness''s sake, not for fitting into a smaller size.

Good luck,
I''m sure you''lll find dresses that show off just how beautiful you are!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

RIGHT HERE!

I hear ya hun! I've had wieght issues all my life. I lost about 30 pounds 3 years ago, and was a size 6-8. I've gained close to 20 pounds over the last year and a half, and I'm now a 12

. I've been lazy about losing the weight, but am slowly getting back in the swing of things.

I got engaged in December, and planned to go dress shopping around April, to give me some time to firm up a bit. I was leaning towards a JCrew wedding dress with a v-neckline, very simple. I was just gonna order it, and call it a day (foolish, I know). My gals talked me into actually visiting a bridal shop and trying dresses on. I know others have had good experiences, but mine at Davids was a disaster. Everything looked awful on me- these were dresses I had picked out, and thought would be flattering. OH NO!!! Bumps and bulges everywhere! The salesperson had no clue.

My second attempt was at a Alfred Angelo Company store, which had racks and racks of dresses. The wedding dress specialist that helped me knew her stuff. She humored me, and let me try on what I thought I wanted (halter, v-neck), and then brought me dresses she recommended. Let me tell you, she nailed almost each one. I ended up with a simple, a-line strapless- nothing like I originally wanted. It's a size 16, and fits me a teeny bit big. Not a bad thing, as I was gonna get it taken in anyway. So, I bought it off the rack and took it home! I'm hoping to lose 20 pounds in the next 6 months, but am not going to stress about it.

Bottom line, GO TRY DRESSES ON! You never know what you'll find. My other recommendation is to go to a store that has a huge selection, so that you'll be able to try dresses on in your own size.

GOOD LUCK!!

 

[eks6426]

I think the media images make us believe that the majority of women out there are really thin, but the reality is that they''re not. I just read the other day that the average bride is a size 12-14 in real life clothes. I got married last year and didn''t have much of a problem. Buying a wedding dress was sort of like buying jeans--you just have to try on a whole bunch to find the right one...and don''t get too hung up on a certain style because you close yourself off to options that might look better.

I stress about my size 12 figure--up from a 10 a couple of years ago but it makes my husband crazy when I started getting into diets & exercise so much. So, I''ve decided he loves me the way and I am and I need to learn to love myself too. Not that I wouldn''t like to be smaller--but it really strains the relationship when I''m thinking "if only I could loose 10 pounds etc."

Here''s an article from Ladies Home Journal that I found inspiring:

Making Peace with Food
What''s worth more to you: fitting into size 6 jeans and measuring every morsel you eat, or eating what you love and being a stable size 12? Two friends tell how they finally found happiness at the table.
By Lily Collett* and Laura Fraser

LAURA: "I eat for pleasure."
My friend Lily and I are just finishing a scrumptious seven-course meal, complete with paired wines. I inhale the aroma of my warm, oozing, dark-chocolate fondant, as Lily dips into her vanilla creme brulee, breaking the caramel crust that is as thin and fragile as autumn ice. She takes a bite, closes her eyes, and sighs with melting pleasure.
More From LHJ.com
§ Wishing Well for Your Friends
§ Be Your Own Woman
§ Is She a Toxic Friend?
Alas, that meal is only a fantasy, because creme brulee -- not to mention Bordeaux wine, gorgonzola cheese, wild mushroom risotto, and hazelnut gelato -- is not on Lily''s diet. She proclaims herself a food addict, calls her sponsor daily when the urge to put half-and-half in her decaf hits, and weighs every morsel of the simple, unvarying food she is allowed to ingest. It makes me sad, because even though Lily seems content with how she is managing her lifelong eating issues and has winnowed herself down to a willowy 123 pounds, I know she adores creme brulee. She won''t let herself indulge -- not even on her birthday!
On the other hand, Lily would like to invite me to one of her meetings for compulsive eaters. Like her, I''ve had a weary history of serial dieting, binge-eating, bulimia, and an obsessively critical attitude toward my body. But I would never stand up at a 12-step meeting and say, "I''m a compulsive eater," because I''m over it.
Opposites Attract
Lily has been a friend, mentor, and soul mate for some 15 years, and we see eye to eye on almost every issue but food. When it comes to eating, we are opposites. Lily has managed her overeating and creeping middle-age spread through strict external control, an unwavering diet, and an almost religious commitment to stick to it. I have done it by completely abandoning all diets, scales, and calculations about calories or carbohydrates in favor of internal control: listening to my body. My stomach tells me whether I''m hungry or full, I respect my appetites and desires, exercise most days, and eat whatever I damn well please. Sure, I''d be 15 pounds thinner if I forbade myself red wine and chocolate, but life is too short.
It may sound as if I''ve given up and let myself go, and perhaps Lily sees me that way. But my eating habits are the result of a long, studied process of learning to feed myself in a way that nurtures my body and soul. I consider my ability to eat moderately and sanely -- and with great pleasure -- one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. With a philosophy of "everything in moderation, including moderation," I''ve managed to stay the same size since I quit dieting 15 years ago. So what if it''s a size 12? Here in my 40s, I''m content with my imperfect body and bored with old neuroses about food and weight.
I''ve finally learned to eat like a grown-up. Eating is a skill that most Americans never learn to master. We don''t sit down and appreciate food at the table and then get on with our lives. When our chaotic eating habits make us fat, we diet, which messes with our sense of how much food our bodies really need. I feel that if you rely on external controls such as diets to eat, you never learn the skills to do it right yourself.
My Battle with Food
I was a chubby child who was on diets from kindergarten, either trying to stay on one to please my parents or rebelling to prove myself independent. Food was associated with anxiety and the constant sense that my body and appetites were out of control and unfeminine. I never learned to judge whether I was hungry, and for which foods, and I rarely ate with outright pleasure. Today, I believe that when parents don''t allow their daughters to make their own choices about something as fundamental as how to feed themselves, they damage their nascent sense of power and self-esteem. As adults, diets have the same effect on us, I think.
Not surprisingly, I always failed on diets, and by college, at 175 pounds, I did indeed have a weight problem. I learned the neat trick of vomiting several times a day and was bulimic well into my 20s. At the height of my eating disorder, I was thin -- you could''ve hung a hat on my hipbone -- but filled with shame and self-loathing. When I finally stopped purging, I gained weight, which was a victory for my health and a failure in the eyes of the culture, which regarded me as less attractive -- and less disciplined. I stopped eating compulsively by allowing myself to eat whatever I pleased as long as I didn''t throw it up. I relearned eating, like a child, trying to tune in to my natural signals of hunger and satiety. I used a book meant for parents as my guide -- How to Get Your Kid to Eat...but Not Too Much, by nutritionist Ellyn Satter. Her idea is simple: Parents should create a healthy food environment and schedule regular meals, and within that framework, children can decide how much or even whether they eat. I had to be both parent and child for myself. I bought high-quality, healthy ingredients and ate regular meals instead of snacking. I stopped eating junk foods and empty sweets, but allowed myself to indulge, occasionally, in foods that were intensely satisfying.
I turned to another source to learn to eat well: Italy. When I first visited that country, I realized Italians eat with full enjoyment, but most don''t get fat. I threw myself into Italian recipes and foods and started sitting down for dinner with cloth napkins and a glass of wine. In short, I became a food snob.
After years of treating myself badly, I began fixing myself delicious meals. It''s amazing what happens when you are kind to yourself. I started to eat more mindfully, paying attention to flavors and textures, as well as presentation on the plate. I developed respect for my food, and for myself as a cook and diner.
I love to eat, but food no longer dominates my life. Gone are my feelings of guilt over something "bad" that I shouldn''t have eaten. Gone are my daily calorie tallies and dull discussions about diets with friends. I no longer binge on handfuls of granola, hunks of cheese, and Hostess fruit pies. Since I allow myself to eat whatever I want, there''s no urgency to finish something now before I go on a diet -- I''ll have the opportunity for another piece of dark chocolate tomorrow.
I don''t weigh myself, but if my jeans start feeling tight, I cut back on starches and ride my bicycle more. I used to be self-conscious about weighing 20 pounds more than the cultural ideal, but over the years, I have come to realize that my friends (and boyfriends) love me the way I am. I enjoy eating and exercising, I''m generous and hedonistic, and my body expresses it all.
Lily''s Way of Life
Ironically, Lily, for all her worries about her own weight, was always one of my most supportive friends when I used to feel anxious about being heavy. Several years ago, I hiked with her to a mountain lake, where we went skinny-dipping. As I came out of the water, she appraised me. "You''re always so worried about being fat," she said, "but you have a beautiful body." It confuses me: How can she be so understanding and forgiving about my body but so harsh with herself when she gains a few pounds?
Lily has lost weight, and there are times when I envy her slenderness. But at what price? When I was writing a book exposing the diet industry (okay, I traded one obsession for another), a well-known obesity researcher told me that it''s possible to lose weight and keep it off -- but it requires developing a mild obsessive-compulsive disorder. That''s how I view Lily''s food regimen. But strangely, she has found a sense of freedom through her control, the same nonchalance about food and eating that I''ve achieved through my anti-diet, pro-Italian approach.
It turns out that what I eat day to day doesn''t vary much from Lily''s diet. We both usually have oatmeal or yogurt with fruit for breakfast. We can go out to dinner and enjoy the same salad nicoise with grilled ahi tuna (though I''ll have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, please). It turns out that my sense of what I should eat has led me to a diet that is mainly composed of fresh fruits and vegetables, high-quality proteins, whole grains, and olive oil -- it''s simple and delicious.
My Way
The difference in how we eat is expressed most dramatically with company. If I''m at a dinner party or traveling, I''m almost always happy to eat what the hostess puts in front of me and view what''s on offer as a gift. In contrast, Lily''s eating plan is individual -- and to my way of thinking, selfish. It''s hard to have her to a dinner party, because as much as I love Lily, I''m not going to put her damned salad on a scale. To me, eating is a social activity, and it is partly that socialization that teaches us to eat properly. Eating with others -- the foods they have cooked out of love -- is one of life''s greatest pleasures.
How I would love to cook a Babette''s Feast or just one simple, creamy, perfect dessert for Lily. Her approach to eating works for her -- but it makes me want to cry to think of her living without creme brulee. Or a luscious Cabernet. Or fresh, warm, homemade bread with melting butter. Or bittersweet chocolate....
LILY: "I eat by the rules."
I am a member of one of the toughest, fastest-growing 12-step food programs out there -- Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, also known as FA. I''m slim and 22 pounds lighter than I was when I went through its door.
To understand why I do what I do -- and it''s a lot, when you count the weekly meetings, the daily phone calls to my sponsor, the meal-by-meal weighing and measuring, the avoidance of bread, alcohol, flour, and sugar -- you have to understand what it was like before, especially the year the full-o-meter in my stomach broke.
Almost every Monday and Wednesday afternoon when I was in eighth grade, you could find me all alone in Brigham''s ice cream shop, near where I was taking the piano and music theory lessons that my parents, recent immigrants from Europe, had forced on me.
With money accumulated by lying about the cost of my school field trips and bus tickets, I''d order up a sugar cone of mocha-almond ice cream dipped in chocolate jimmies. Then I''d turn to the chocolate creams, gleaming like jewels in their glass case. The woman behind the counter nestled my choices into a little white box and took my money. I would finish my ice cream and, while riding the bus home to dinner, eat the chocolates. Delicate and pretty, clearly made with care and attention, the chocolates were everything that I -- in my loneliness, my sullen fury, my boy''s oxfords and my sacklike corduroy jumper sewn from a Butterick pattern -- was not.
Painful Memories
At school, kids laughed at my funny clothes and my funny accent. Food was the nest I made, the place I hid. By spring, I could no longer bend down to tie my oxfords or fit into my jumper or run around the school track without stopping to catch my breath. At the PE weigh-in at the end of the year, word went down the line that I had gained 15 pounds.
Every fat and once-fat man or woman has a version of what came next: the dance parties sat out; the handsome brother of a pretty girl saying I''d be beautiful if only I lost weight. The magazine diets, the three-day fasts that lasted till lunchtime, the diet books, the Weight Watchers meetings, the cigarettes, the flirtations with bulimia, and the daily swims across the lake.
Finally, the summer I turned 17, I learned self-hypnosis from a self-help book. I taught myself to keep my eyes on the prize and not give in to impulse; I stopped eating sweets and cut back on carbs. The weight came off, I dropped to 118, and lo and behold, I was pretty. Once purely a priestess of excess, I had now become, like so many American women, adept at periodic self-deprivation as well. I lost the intuitive ability to simply nourish this human body: giving it just enough -- no more, no less.
Over the Years
Throughout my 20s, 30s, and 40s, my weight would slowly rise over the course of a couple of years by 15 or 20 pounds. Then I would panic, buy a pair of size 14 jeans, weigh myself a dozen times a day, strip the house of cookies and ice cream, eliminate fats and starches, become vegetarian, or start swimming a mile every morning.
After the weight came off, I''d throw out the big jeans, buy new clothes in an 8 or a 6 or a 4, get a new boyfriend who liked slim women and go back to eating whenever I was hungry, or bored, or anxious, or angry, or shy, or lonely, or at loose ends or couldn''t find the cap to the soy sauce.
The insufficiency of this didn''t hit home until I turned 50 and it stopped working at all. I moved in with a man whom I loved, whose cupboards and refrigerator and counters were stocked with the sugar-rush white foods I''d pretty much banished from my own kitchen: ice cream, sticky buns, Cozy Shack rice pudding, butter-laden mashed potatoes, boxed stuffing, cheesecake, chocolate chip cookies. I ate standing up at the counter, as though food eaten standing up didn''t count. I threw things in the garbage and fished them out again. I took one chocolate-topped Petit Ecolier cookie and ended up eating the whole box. I put six toasted walnuts atop a little sliced fruit and cottage cheese for lunch and in the evening ate all the walnuts I''d stored in a liter jar. I was dieting all day and bingeing at night.
That was three years ago. One day, in the midst of the worst of it, I took a hike with Laura, who has found her own, more spontaneous way to food peace. She told me she enjoys what she eats, has no forbidden foods, stops when she''s full, weighs a stable 20 or 30 pounds more than me, and isn''t horrified about not conforming to prevalent norms of thinness. That day I was sweating. I couldn''t breathe. My stomach bulged above and below the waistband of my shorts. "I''ve gained all this weight since I moved in with Jack," I moaned. "I''ve got to do something about it."
"Oh, Lily," said Laura, who was sweating a bit herself in her size 14 clamdiggers. "You''re getting older. Relax. It''s natural to get a little -- softer and rounder."
"No, Laura," I thought. "The word is fatter. The road of excess may have led you to wisdom, but it will never get me there. You''re a romantic; you trust the wisdom of your body. I''m a classicist; I need discipline and structure."
Recognition Is the First Step...
That Sunday I took myself to a Food Addicts meeting. Sitting on a folding chair in a church hall, I heard a svelte, well-dressed woman read a slightly modified version of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that began, "We recognized we were powerless over food, and our lives had become unmanageable." On a table in the back was a sort of informal charity clothes swap, where now slim people left gorgeous larger-size jackets and suits for others still on their way down.
Most of the old-timers were well turned out. Their eyes were glowing -- or was it the glint of fanaticism? "I came for the vanity and stayed for the sanity," another lithe woman said as she passed around pictures of herself at a bloated, improbable 220 pounds.
When it was over, I asked a young woman to be my sponsor. She told me to call her at 6:15 the next morning, and I did. "Our eyes are broken," she said, telling me to go out that day and buy an electronic food scale accurate to the quarter-ounce. "We eat in black and white so we can live in color."
And so I began moving down a path that goes against every fiber of Laura''s being, that periodically makes her want to bite her tongue or shake me -- just as I sometimes want to do with her. It is based on a set of rules so clear that I know at any moment whether I''m following them.
Every morning I call my sponsor and read her exactly what I plan to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don''t trust my spontaneity and intuition. Even when I don''t feel hungry, and even when I feel ravenous, I eat everything in those three weighed and measured meals. Every day, I''m supposed to take an hour of quiet time and to call three other members to check in.
The Magical Solution
The magic doesn''t lie in the food. But if you''re curious, breakfast is oatmeal, yogurt, and a piece of fruit. Lunch is 4 ounces of chicken or other protein, 6 ounces of plain steamed vegetables, 4 ounces of plain rice or other grain, and another piece of fruit. Dinner is the same, plus a salad as big as a house with two tablespoons of pure olive oil. That''s it. I eat nothing between meals and nothing made with flour or sugar, which pretty much eliminates every food advertised on television or displayed in boxes and cans on supermarket aisles, and everything that makes eating out fun. No cookies, no creme brulee, no ice cream, no toast, no chips, no juice, no wine, no concoctions, no sauces, no soups, no snacks, no wedding cake -- no exceptions.
At the start, I ate the same foods, minus the grains, and I lost 20 pounds fairly fast. And by staying in this frustrating, highly structured, rigid food program, I didn''t gain it back. That''s the vanity part. Now for the sanity. Less obsessed with food, I learn to get in touch with my true appetites. I thirst for beauty and go to a museum. I hunger for solitude and take a walk. I''m tired, and I take a rest. I get lonely and, instead of opening the refrigerator, I make a phone call. ("Don''t bother to try to get in touch with your emotions," I once heard someone in an FA meeting say. "If you put down the food, your emotions will get in touch with you.") As I weigh and measure my food, I learn to weigh and measure my life -- to allot my time and choose my activities consciously, rather than deciding by impulse.
Not long ago, I went to Laura''s birthday party and watched her and her friends, smiling and laughing, fling dough around in her kitchen, nestle it in pans, drizzle it with olive oil and scatter it with homemade toppings -- a pizza I would not eat. Sometimes, when I hear her complain about someone who''s tactlessly suggested liposuction, I pity Laura. But that night, I felt envy, as if I were the eternal outsider. Although when I went home to my closet and saw my size 6 jeans lined up, jeans I''ve fit into the past year or so, it was a different story.
Ironically, FA has brought the pleasure of eating back to me, pleasure that I haven''t felt since the summer I read that book on self-hypnosis and lay on my back in a darkened room. Because I no longer worry that I''ll eat too much, I''m no longer afraid to savor what I do eat. My evening salad sparkles with sunflower sprouts and glistens with olive oil. My yogurt rolls off my tongue in the mornings, cool and smooth and sweet and tangy. I lift a slice of peach to my lips, fragrant and dripping. I sit. I take. I eat.

 

[jorman]

Chickflick-
A friend of mine is a fuller figred woman, and she found a strapless dress she liked and had cap sleeves added to it and she looked beautiful. I think you should definitely start looking because as some of the others have said it can take months for your dress to come in especially if you want anything special done to it for you to make it personal.

You are going to look beautiful and most importantly you are going to look beautiful to your future husband!!!!!
Let us know what you find!!!

Best of luck!
-Janna

 

[Mara]

ID do you have a link to that article, I totally couldn't follow the reading the way it was pasted.

Making peace with your body is definitely true, but it's different strokes for different folks. I know that I have the potential to be thinner or maybe it's not even thinner but just less bumpy in all the wrong places, and I don't mind showing a bit of self-discipline to get there. I don't believe in deprivation but I also don't believe in over-indulgence. Everything in moderation. The funny thing is that I am probably about a size 10 but I don't think that I look like it. I don't have a problem with sizing, I go by how I feel about how I *look*. Sizing doesn't matter esp because at Jcrew I am a 6 and at Banana I wear a size 10 pant and a SMALL top and I am a 36C. Nothing makes SENSE with American sizing. If you feel good about how you look naked then I think you are doing okay. I'm not just there yet but am getting there slowly.

I have my own model that works for me that I follow, I don't feel guilt very often, I exercise when I get the urge or when I know I *have* to get out and do something, I indulge when it's appropriate (aka when we go out with friends, when we go out by ourselves, or when friends come over etc) and I am more disciplined when appropriate as well (aka when we are home alone during the week or when I eat alone at lunch etc) and it just seems to work out. I think that if people were just more 'aware' of what goes into their mouths and more 'aware' of how much they need to move their body (whatever it is that you like to do), then everyone would be more healthy.

This is not really pointed at anyone in particular by any means, just a hodgepodge of thoughts re: what I have learned as I grew up and into my adult body and watching my metabolism slow a bit and how I have dealt with it. I'm only 31 but my body is different than when I was 21 or 25. It only gets harder from here!!

 

[MissAva]

Chickflick...
When you go to try on dress bring a good strapless bra. Last year when I got my dress for the AFBall it had to be white/cream and full length. If you are my size then you proably have large breasts too. I am a 36DD I wear a 14/16 in the Polo Slim fit button downs and a 12 in their pants, so I know what a pain it is to try and find things that fit properly. Wearing a bra with straps, or no bra will make a huge diffrence in how you look in clothing, or at least it does for me.
I hope you find a dress you love soon!

 

[eks6426]

Mara--I wish I had a link to the article. I copied it into a Word document when I first read it and that''s what I posted. It looked fine in the Word document, but the tabs and paragraphs changed when I copied and pasted....

I am 34 and my body is definitely different now than at 25 and 28 and 31......

 

[TravelingGal]

I''m with the 30 something ladies...I eat so much better than I did in my twenties, and I STILL have to work to not balloon up. I am 33 now, and it is just getting harder and harder to fend off the pounds.

I''m Korean, and I have been told if you are not a size 4, you are overweight!

When my cousin got married, we went to "american" dress shops and Korean ones. American wedding dress stores carried a size 10 for the sample...Korean samples were in a size 4...I couldn''t believe it. And there were plenty of girls who were smaller than size 4, so that was probably average.

I''m an 8 now...having gained 20 pounds over the last couple of years. I lost 30 pounds when I turned 30 and did get down to a 4 (it actually seemed pretty effortless...I just followed the European way of eating after I came back from my trip, and walked everywhere). But then my boyfriend moved in with me last year, and it''s all gone to pot.

 

[glaucomflecken]

im 5''4" and on the larger side of 10 and I HATE clothes shopping. I dreaded wedding dress shopping too. And I found that the sizes were crazy. I was in an 8 in one designer and 14 in another. Im pretty busty and curvy. So I have had issues all my life, but when I started trying on wedding dresses I felt REALLY pretty. AND I found a majority of styles flattering and made me look/feel thinner. As long as it wasnt skin tight or anything I also lost some weight in the few months before the wedding and my dress was able to be taken in, and then I felt even better. Please do not worry about not being "size 6 cookie cutter" bride Everyone will be seeing how radiant you are and how in love you guys are that that''s what really matters, and your family friends and most of all FI love you for you and the person you are.

Also my dress was strapless. I did wear the optional spagetti straps but I vowed I would never wear a dress like that and there I was. You may find that certain styles will be very flattering although in theory they sound dreadful.

enjoy this time in your life and get shoppin girlie!

 

[cpster]

Chickflick...get out there and find your dream dress! I had similar feelings when shopping for my dress but was pleasantly surprised that even "designer" gowns could be specially ordered to fit my curves. I think it was considered a "custom cut", but I think I may have actually saved money since once the dress arrived it fit almost perfectly...I just had to have the top tightened a little bit...the length was perfect.

Please do go and try on at least one strapless gown and you may be pleasantly surprised. The key is to have great undergarments. The Goddess line is awesome.

Longline bras.

One thing you may want to try to do is to go dress shopping during the week at off peak hours. The bridal salons are crazy on the weekends. I remember one salon I went to had only a few large private rooms and the rest of the dressing rooms were super tiny, barely enough room for you and the saleswoman. If you go during off peak hours then hopefully you will get a private room. Good luck!

 

[BeaudryBabe]

Ladies, I feel your pain...

I have struggled with my weight as long as I can remember....it took a long time to "make peace" with my body, rather than beating myself up constantly. When I arrived at this better place, I actually started to understand and grasp the moderation concept and the urge to binge/overeat vanished. While I have periods where I still struggle, they are infrequent. I am still not as thin as I would like, but I can live in my skin.

Ya gotta love yourself...LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

 

[selflove]

Yeah, our society''s messed up. Dr. 90210 and crap like that just makes it worse.

Anyhoo...

For the arms, I read some really good advice several months ago in a fitness mag (for a while that was my only motivator to keep going on the god-forsaken treadmill at that gym). The fastest way to give your arms tone and definition, or at least the "illusion" of it, is to work out the SHOULDERS! Who knew?! So I started doing all the shoulder machines at the gym and the magazine was right--I had never worked out my shoulders, focusing instead on only the biceps and triceps and when I started focusing on the shoulders I could see tone and definition.

The other arm advice my very toned/buff girlfriend told me is PUSHUPS! Do the "girl" kind, or I think someone else called them "modified", where you are on your knees.

I know you are going to find a dress that you will love and feel beautiful in!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/6/2006 12:38:02 AM
Author: selflove

The other arm advice my very toned/buff girlfriend told me is PUSHUPS! Do the ''girl'' kind, or I think someone else called them ''modified'', where you are on your knees.

I call them my weak man pushups

They are the only kind I can do (well, I could probably do 3 regular ones but that wouldn''t do much good) but you are so right. My arms get sore and they really do help.

 

[snow_happy]

Hello

I think almost every person has some sort of body issue. Mine is that I''m short with short legs (even some petite length pants are too long!) and too fat to fit in the pants that are short enough. ARGH!

I wanted to chime in because of your comment about the strapless dress trend. I tried a corset strapless dress and I looked like @&^#%@. I think I''m a size 4 or 6 but just looked completely and totally awful in the strapless dresses - so I think it can happen to people of all size ranges!

I did find a dress that looked good on me and actually made me look taller! The right dress is out there for you - don''t worry or get down. I''m sure that I could walk out in a bathrobe and my fiancee would still be happy to marry me and the same goes for your fiancee!