Any way to make V-Day easier on a dude who hates it?

[gwendolyn]

J told me last night that he really hates Valentine''s Day. This came out after I told him how much it annoyed me that people asked me all day if was getting flowers, if J was driving 200 miles so we could go out to eat (bwa?!), if he was planning on proposing for V-Day, if he was buying me diamond jewelry for V-Day---all after I told him the holiday wasn''t that big a deal to me and that we needed to save our money for when we move in together. It got kind of old, explaining to nosy people who seemed disappointed for me when I said we weren''t doing anything, and one person even suggested (after I said, "No, we don''t celebrate it") that he might have sent me flowers if I put out more!!

Anyway, we''d had a clear talk beforehand about how we weren''t going to do anything, but he saw his best friend last night, who confused him more by telling him that if a woman ever says not to do anything for a holiday, the day you are SURE to ignore her is for Valentine''s Day!

I ended up being in a bad mood about all the pushy people, so I told him why, and then he told me about what his best friend said, and ended up saying, "No, I should have still done something. Makes me feel stupid--I really detest Valentine''s Day!!"

Poor guy! I don''t want him to hate it--I don''t especially love it, so there''s no issue there, but I don''t want him to dread it either. I think next year will probably be easier since we''ll be together, but does anyone have any suggestions on how I could''ve made it a bit easier on us? I am bad at dealing with people who intrude in my personal life because if someone asks me a question directly, I can''t lie, which annoys me because they don''t need to know anything about it!

I told him about the people today because it upset me and because we tell each other everything, but I didn''t want for him to feel like I was blaming him for not doing anything for V-Day--that''s what we agreed on! Maybe I''ll mention to him that we should celebrate a "Yay, we''re an awesome couple" day on Feb. 18th or something, so we can buy each other discount chocolates and not have to worry about overcrowded restaurants?

 

[honey22]

Well said

Our little solution to these "Hallmark Days". We go to the local supermarket or newsagent and look at cards. We each pick out one for the other and hand it to the other one. We then read them, exchange a little kiss, put the cards back and we''re off. We still show each other the card we wanted to buy, but didn''t spend a cent to do it! We did this for Christmas too, it has become our little tradition. Try it yourself and save 10 bucks!

We don''t do anything for VDay either, besides our little tradition of getting take-away chinese in front of the telly and ''not doing anything''. There is heaps of pressure for guys to cough up mega bucks for overpriced flowers and chocolates, and we have gone to dinner before on VDay and it was horrible. The place was set up in lines of tables for two, it looked like exam time at Uni. Not romantic.

I made it clear to him that I don''t expect anything, especially since he just dropped the $$$ on the ering (yet to arrive!).

He has always insisted that he doesn''t need a special day to tell me he loves me. He is always bringing me home roses and flowers - I can honestly say I don''t know another woman that gets flowers as often as I do, but he is dead against buying the expensive ones on VDay! That''s cool with me.

 

[Pandora II]

I HATE Valentine's Day with a vengeance.

I will never forget how awful it was at boarding school when some people had interflora literally queueing up the drive and other people had nothing at all. It seemed like a day to make single people feel terrible. Even worse was when people ask what you got, or how many cards you received etc - it was like admiting that you weren't popular.

My father used to send me and my sister one every year just in case, so that we could pretend if necessary - I thought that was so lovely of him.

I'm sure it's great if you are the prom queen, super popular type - but I always thought of the girls (and boys) who were feeling desperately uncomfortable.

It's a commercial event to get people to spend money on overpriced roses and meals.

I would hate to have a partner who felt they HAD to give me something because convention says they should. I prefer a man who gives me flowers or presents just because... I am spoilt rotten - FI buys me flowers at least every other week - but never around Valentines.

I have huge glass fishbowl vases which I fill with the dried petals of all the flowers when they are dead and turn into potpouri - I'm currently on the 3rd one, so I've suggested he might like to buy me some of the really good fake flowers instead as I can't bear the idea of throwing the flower heads away, but we really don't have space for any more bowls!

FI and I do give each other something on the 14th February - but that is because it marks the half year points of our relationship - we met on the 14th August.

 

[gwendolyn]

J hasn't ever gotten me flowers, which I can both understand (because the delivery flowers are SO EXPENSIVE!!) and feel a little sad about (because the little bouquets in the supermarkets are only about £3). Last week when we went food shopping together, I didn't nag him or anything about the flowers when we walked by--I just nodded at them, smiled and said, "Someday you will get me flowers." He grinned and said, "Yes, babe, I will, I just want to find a good time." And is fine with me. I want it in HIS time, when HE thinks it is good, not because it's V-Day and it's almost a competition to see who got the biggest, best, most expensive stuff.

Pandora, grad school feels quite a lot like your boarding school experience. I am really very happy for the girls who get all that *stuff* but I hate that I feel like they are judging me and my relationship on my lack of stuff!

Life would be *so* much easier if I didn't care half as much about what other people think. If anyone can help me out with that, I'm all ears (or eyeballs, in this case).

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

My guy feels similar so what we do is go out and buy a very nice dinner for ourselves. Usually we visit the butcher shop the day before and allow ourselves to buy a very nice cut of meat. Then we chose: one cooks dinner, the other does dessert. This year I did dinner (we''ve learned that I am much better at cooking fillet mingon than he is) and for dessert he ordered chocolet dipped strawberries and mini cheesecakes (he is not the baker in the house so he tends to buy desserts).

No cards. No flowers. No candle light. It was just the two of us making a mess of our kitchen which is exactly us: no frills, a little messy but totally worth it in the end

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 2/15/2008 8:40:39 AM
Author: gwendolyn
J hasn't ever gotten me flowers, which I can both understand (because the delivery flowers are SO EXPENSIVE!!) and feel a little sad about (because the little bouquets in the supermarkets are only about £3). Last week when we went food shopping together, I didn't nag him or anything about the flowers when we walked by--I just nodded at them, smiled and said, 'Someday you will get me flowers.' He grinned and said, 'Yes, babe, I will, I just want to find a good time.' And is fine with me. I want it in HIS time, when HE thinks it is good, not because it's V-Day and it's almost a competition to see who got the biggest, best, most expensive stuff.

Pandora, grad school feels quite a lot like your boarding school experience. I am really very happy for the girls who get all that *stuff* but I hate that I feel like they are judging me and my relationship on my lack of stuff!

Life would be *so* much easier if I didn't care half as much about what other people think. If anyone can help me out with that, I'm all ears (or eyeballs, in this case).

I think FI spoils me as I'm his first ever girlfriend - he is always convinced he is a 'terrible boyfriend' as he 'doesn't know how it works' and so tries to make up for it.

He also hasn't gone through the disillusion of a failed relationship and become cynical.

English men are normally pretty crap on romantic gestures. My father has only bought my mother flowers once in 36 years - they were half price in Tescos and my youngest sister made him buy them last year. My mother wondered what he was feeling guilty about!

If any of us were ever sent them, he used to sit and look at them and say - but how much does that cost?? (He's a doctor so it's not like he couldn't afford them). He doesn't mind buying my mother jewellery as that lasts, but flowers are frivolous and anyway, there are lots in the garden...


I think learning not to care is unbelievably hard.

I was talking to FI last night when he said for the first time that the wedding will be fun. I asked if he was coming round to the idea of marriage - he said he didn't think that would ever happen. He was glad to be with me and very happy that it made me happy, but didn't see why a piece of paper and a legal agreement should make a difference to that.

I was trying to explain that it made me happier because it meant that people didn't say things about our relationship - like he was obviously not that into me, or that he was obviously commitment phobic etc. Since I've got engaged, all of that has changed - I don't have to defend us anymore.

He said he didn't understand why I cared so much what other people think.

I was trying to work out why I did, and I still don't know! If you work it out - can you tell me!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Aww I don''t like V-day either... it always makes me feel bad. We didn''t do anything for V-day and I was a little depressed about it. I just have to add that to the pile of things not going right

 

[mjso]

We aren''t big on Valentine''s day either. In fact, it is probably one of my least favorite holidays for sure. Of course, our dating anniversary is Feb 18th, so maybe that''s part of the reason we are able to just smooth over it.

I had the same issue yesterday, we didn''t have any plans, but people kept asking. I guess even moreso since we "just" got engaged. I simply told FI I wanted a box of chocolates (nothing huge/expensive, just the cheap ones in the grocery store) mainly because I was seriously craving some choccie!

FI doesn''t care, and doesn''t seem to be concerned about what other people think. I''m under the impression he''s happy that he has a fiance that doesn''t care about flowers/presents/etc. So he was totally fine with not doing much. We did go out to eat, but we go out a lot, I get lazy and he basically can''t cook. We waited until 8:30 so most of the lovey dovey stuff was over.

What''s worse for me was that my job decided to offer "candy-grams" this year. So for $1 you could buy a candy gram to send to another person at the office. The money goes to help get dental work for kids in need. While I think the cause is great, I felt like I was back in elementary school with "who got who a valentine" and the hoping at least one was brought to my desk so I didn''t have to feel like a complete loser. Our CEO got one for everyone, but those were put in our mailboxes. Thankfully, one of my coworkers did get me one, so I didn''t have to feel bad, but it still kind of stung seeing people with like 5 of them on their desks. That''s what I hate the most, the fact that it has to be a public competition.

I think your bf''s friend probably has some sort of truth to what he was saying. Obviously, your bf should know that you meant you didn''t want anything especially since you''ve been together a while. But I think a lot of girls want their SO''s to have this big romantic plan to surprise them, but they say they don''t want anything. You can see that sentiment right here on the LIW board. Often, girls will convince themselves that really the guy has this big plan and the ring, when he hasn''t even thought about it and then they get disappointed. So I think that''s what the friend was probably talking about. Just confirm to your BF that you really didn''t want anything, I think there are some really great ideas in this thread already that you could maybe talk about doing next year. (love the one about going to pick out cards together without buying them!)

 

[FrekeChild]

I''ve never been big on Valentine''s day, and this one just reminded me that it is any old day but it just has a fancy name on it so that companies can get us to go out and buy more stuff.
No one really asked what I was doing for it, thank goodness, and I ended up living it vicariously through my best guy friend who really struggled with what to get and what to do for my best girl friend. She ruined his first plan and then we managed to fix everything and got a new plan, which apparently she enjoyed.
Anyway, I''ve always been the one to call it Hallmark day, and this year was no better. I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up a card for BF and get something for dinner. I saw SO MANY men rushing about trying to pick out flowers, cards, and chocolates and they looked panicked. I was so happy that we don''t really plan anything because it''s just not worth it. The card that I ended up getting him was 5 dollars. Something that would have been 3 dollars if it were any other holiday.... So I surprised him with a staple-free stapler (that I had meant to get him for Christmas and just happened to come in the mail yesterday), a card and some Reese''s peanut butter cups, but not because it was Valentine''s day (only the card was) but because I wanted to cheer him up. He found out yesterday that he''s got mono, and a nasty bacterial infection in his throat that''s causing a cyst, so he was kind of in the dumps.

I like the idea of looking at cards, but usually what makes the cards special for both of us is what we write in them (I write mini novels), so I don''t think we could do that.

I''ll be very surprised if he ever gets me flowers again, because he thinks they die too fast. I plan on getting lots of jewelry in the future, because that never dies or goes bad.

Honestly, I''m just glad it''s over. Besides, now I can start looking forward to my birthday and our anniversary.

 

[bensbride]

Neither of us are big on Valentines Day. Its nice to have a date on the calendar that reminds you how wonderful love is, but the commercialized stuff is annoying. So, I just made a nice dinner and we exchanged small gifts (flowers from him and a little handmade scrapbook flippbook thing from me) and enjoyed each other''s company. To me, the most expensive meal in the world wouldn''t be any more or less romantic.