Anybody in a similar situation??

[fuzzers]

So I know threads about living together have been played out quite a lot the past few months on the LIW board, but I wanted to know if anyone is or was in a situation similar to mine... long term relationship (5+ yrs), in school, no concrete timeline for engagement/marriage... and not living together. The last part of this is pretty frustrating for me because while I have enjoyed living by myself and am currently enjoying living with three of my friends, ultimately I want to live together with him. However I have conflicting views on how this will affect our future... will living together make him more eager to marry me (I know this is a common trap LIW fall into...) or will it prolong this "limbo" phase before marriage. I read, on average, it can prolong it about a year. Will I be resentful playing the role of wife without actually being a wife? Or will we love "playing house"??

I used to be pretty against living together before marriage, but my views are slowly changing because engagement seems to be in some nebulous time in our future, and moving in together seems to be the only way to "move forward" right now. I've made a pros/cons list and so far it is coming out 50/50. If you were in a similar situation to mine, how did you decide what was best? And how has your decision worked out for you?

Thanks so much!!

 

[RhubarbPie]

My situation isn't exactly similar to yours, but I can comment on the living together thing.

My now-FI and I met in college. I graduated (I'm older than he is) and went to grad school in another city. A year later, he transferred to a school in that city to join me. We were excited to live together, but we primarily did it for financial reasons (we lived right in the middle of the downtown area of the city and two apartments in that area were just not feasible). Because we lived in different cities prior to that, when we visited (which was every weekend pretty much plus holidays) he stayed with me or I stayed with him. So we got a taste of living together (and it was great). When we moved in, it was definitely a step in our relationship. We've been living together for over 2 years now and honestly its been amazing. Its 100 percent made us closer. Plus, its important to know what irks me about him (and what irks him about me) before we get married. Anyways, I love waking up next to him and it makes it difficult to get up and go to work as I'd rather be snuggling with him in the morning than anything. I'm a huge advocate of living together before marriage. And we love "playing house". I really want to be his wife, so I don't mind playing wife now until its official. Good luck with your decision - its a big one!

 

[iota15]

So I know threads about living together have been played out quite a lot the past few months on the LIW board, but I wanted to know if anyone is or was in a situation similar to mine... long term relationship (5+ yrs), in school, no concrete timeline for engagement/marriage... and not living together. The last part of this is pretty frustrating for me because while I have enjoyed living by myself and am currently enjoying living with three of my friends, ultimately I want to live together with him. However I have conflicting views on how this will affect our future... will living together make him more eager to marry me (I know this is a common trap LIW fall into...) or will it prolong this "limbo" phase before marriage. I read, on average, it can prolong it about a year. Will I be resentful playing the role of wife without actually being a wife? Or will we love "playing house"??

I used to be pretty against living together before marriage, but my views are slowly changing because engagement seems to be in some nebulous time in our future, and moving in together seems to be the only way to "move forward" right now. I've made a pros/cons list and so far it is coming out 50/50. If you were in a similar situation to mine, how did you decide what was best? And how has your decision worked out for you?

Thanks so much!!

Even if that nebulous statistic were true, I think whether he proposes a year earlier or later really depends on him, you and your relationship together (rather than what "usually" happens).

If you're just trying to move in together to get him to "hurry up", then I think you shouldn't do it. How much longer are you both in school for? I think finishing school is a larger determinator as to when you will get engaged than moving in together. I used to be in your shoes (long term, both in school, not living together). I'm not engaged yet but once we finished our schooling and settled into our careers, the talks about what to do next started to flow. We know we're getting married, we even bought the stone already (I still need to pick a setting). We also just bought a place and moved in together.

Once you're finished school and things settle, people seem to make a pretty quick decision about whether you are the one or not. Then it's just a matter of putting it altogether.

Given that you enjoy your roommates and living by yourself, my suggestion would be to continue this. Once you're married or living together - you don't go back (barring unfortunate events in your relationship) - so enjoy what you have now, you have plenty of time to live with him.

I also don't think it'll speed up your timeline. You'll get to live together (if that's what you really want at this time) but I think once he sets up his career and finishes school, you'll see the true results of what will happen - regardless of whether you are in the same household or not.

 

[smiles]

Hi Fuzzers!

I am in your shoes completely with the added *bonus* that we both live at home with our parents. I especially wanted to respond to you because in addition to being able to relate to you I did my undergrad thesis on cohabiting and since you were asking about a "stat" I thought I'd chime in.

Firstly I think you really need to figure out how you feel about "playing house" and the role of "wife" as you say without it being 'official'. Noone can determine this but you. I have never heard this idea that living together prolongs engagement by a year but I can say that most research shows that couples who have the highest rates of successful/positive cohabitation leading to marriage are those who discussed marriage before moving in and had some sort of formal timeline for when the actual wedding would occur. Without getting statistic-y and causing arguments because YES every couple is different and there are always exceptions to the rule, I would say that moving in together as a next step is only a good idea if both people are on the same page that this is a step on the way towards marriage which is the ultimate goal by approximately XXX time. Going in to it hoping that it will make him feel like he wants to marry you sooner or that it may speed up an engagement seem more likely to me to end badly. I also totally agree with Iota that finishing school would be a determining factor in this whole scenario.

I think if I were you and had already had some conversations with my SO about the future I would want to have this conversation with him before making any decisions and seeing how he views living together in the scheme of your relationship... but again I would go into that know how YOU feel and where you are willing to be flexible and where you are not.... GOOD LUCK keep us updated!! (sorry for being so long-winded!)

 

[fuzzers]

First of all, thank you sooo much to all who replied.

Second, I have to say that we did discuss this today after I posted this thread and unfortunately some of what he said caught me by surprise. One of the things was that he said himself that he's afraid living together could stall the marriage process. Wow, at least he's honest! So we weighed the pros and cons together for a good 30 minutes and he just doesn't seem too enthused about the idea. See, I'm in it for mostly emotional reasons (with some valid practical reasons as well), and he is all practical. He doesn't really view it as a "step forward" for us so much as it will just make things more convenient. So we view this in vastly different ways it seems. Perhaps I am over-romanticizing this, but I would rather not live together unless his whole heart was in it as well, and it's pretty clear that it's not at this point.

Without going into too much more detail, I'll just end this post by saying I am pretty bummed.

 

[Indylady]

I'm sorry to hear you're bummed, Fuzzers!

I encourage you to enjoy and appreciate your time in life now. It sounds like (and I may be wrong! please don't take offense if I am) that you're more ready for engagement than he is. If that's the case, I think you might resent living together if engagement doesn't come soon after your living arrangements are made, especially since you used to be against living together before marriage. Lots of hugs and dust to you! I hope you feel better. Enjoy your time with your roomies while you've got them.

My recipe for a beautiful evening with the roomies:
1 tub ice cream per person, must have some kind of "bits" in it. Cookie dough, chocolate chips, etc.
metal spoons for all
couches comfy enough to veg out on; throws and pillows optional
tv or laptops if wanted

*Note that this activity is best done is jammies.

 

[fuzzers]

IndyLady that sounds wonderful!! I may have to run to the store and get some with cookie dough bits. Haha. Actually all this gives me an excuse to spend some money and download another book to my Kindle (my newfound gadget), you know, to occupy my mind and all...

 

[slg47]

My situation was not exact but I will add my opinions...

FI and I met when he was in grad school and I was a senior in college (we were at the same school). I stayed at school another year doing research and lived in a separate apartment from him but we were only a 1-minute walk away (different buildings but right across the parking lot from one another). Then I moved across coasts to go to grad school and we were apart for a year. He found a job where I am now and moved in with me because apartments are expensive and we basically knew we were going down the road to engagement/marriage. Plus, we just wanted to live together, and I think for us it was a good idea to live together before marriage, not that we needed to 'decide' but I think we are more confident that we can live together and it just works now that we have been doing it for a year.

Lots of people say that moving in together is a huge deal...for us it was not. It really just was smooth and easy from the get-go. I can't imagine NOT living with FI...we just have a lot of fun together and enjoy hanging out. But I think every couple has to work out what is best for them.

I don't see why your BF said moving in could delay the marriage...it's up to him to propose anyway (right?) so he theoretically can propose whenever he wants to, regardless of whether or not you live together...

I also wouldn't worry too much about him not being romantic about these things, some guys just aren't wired that way

 

[Magpie09]

Hi Fuzzers

I'm not in your exact situations as I just graduated from college this year but I also want to move in with my BF and he is hesitant. Actually he is waiting for 'the right time' which is frustrating for me as I am the more practical of us and the right time can be anywhere from tomorrow to 10 years from now . For comparison recently in school, dating 2.5 years, no concrete (or any other) plans for engagement, living together or marriage.

Answering your question I also went through the stage of deciding what moving in together would mean for me and whether I would be resentful playing wife without it being official. I came to the conclusion that I don't have to act like a wife just because we live together. My BF is still more than capable of cleaning his dishes, doing his laundry and helping out to keep the place tidy. You make your own rules and only do what you feel comfortable doing.

As for prolonging the engagement there really isn't a correct answer for that question nor will any statistic identify when your BF will or will not propose. He may do it after a month or after a year, there is no way of knowing if the situation would have been the same if you had not lived together in the first place.

I've decided to enjoy the current dating phase of our relationship as we will have decades to live together and be married but only a short time to enjoy the fun of going on dates without feeling guilty about leaving the kids at home or a mortgage to pay off (or whatever the sitaution may be). Then again in 2.5 years time I may feel a little more antsy

 

[amc80]

Not really a scientific study, but I'm just thinking about my friends...

Almost all of my friends who lived with their boyfriends PRIOR to seriously discussing marriage (as far as having a time line) were together 5+ years before getting engaged.

On the other hand...My friend who just got married moved in with her bf after 6 months or so (relocated with him), but she told him from the very beginning that the was dating for marriage and wouldn't be a forever girlfriend (they were engaged after a year of dating). Another friend- her now husband bought the ring before they moved in together (she helped pick it out), so there was definitely a time line there...they were engaged after less than two years of dating.

So, I would agree that it does delay marriage when marriage isn't discussed seriously before moving in...at least based on what I have witnessed. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it definitely is true with my friends.