anyone else have diamond guilt issues?

[Fretty Bride]

I love my ring, but can''t get over the guilt of having so much money on my finger. I would never be able to buy something as expensive for my fiance (I''m in college now, start med school next year), and I''m trying desperately to think of some way to compensate. I''m also one of those crazy save-the-world types and spend a lot of my time raising money for hospitals and volunteering and all that -- so every time I look at my ring, I can''t help but think "Oh my god, this could buy so many malaria vaccines."

Anyone else have these issues?

The ring is amazing (I chose the setting), the diamond is amazing (he surprised me with the diamond when he proposed), and I don''t want to part with it either, at least not until after the wedding (maybe "downgrade" to a pretty lab-created sapphire I could wear every day without guilt). If I don''t downgrade, I plan to cope by steadily giving to this particular charity I like until I''ve matched the price of the ring (this will seriously take me forever, since it doesn''t count if my fiance gives the money). I know this is kind of crazy and doesn''t really make sense, since most people, including myself, have a ton of random stuff that we don''t *need* per say, but due to the greatness of capitalism, we have the freedom to buy and enjoy.

HELP! Or at least tell me it''s okay to have so much bling on my finger. Maybe it will act as a reminder to me about how unbelievably lucky I am, and encourage me to be a more charitable better person????

Of course, I''ve been strongly influenced by the fact that none of my peers have rings more than 0.5 carat, if they have rings at all -- makes me feel EXTRA guilty.

The ring is posted here, along with my original fretting about wearing such a honker: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-ring-1-67-ct-vs2-j.80212/

Errrrggggggh.

 

[Fretty Bride]

Also, I''m NOT saying that anyone SHOULD feel guilty. Capitalism (or materialism if you prefer to call it that) makes the world go round.

 

[ringster]

i know how you feel fretty, i went through similar guilt when i was looking for my ering. i also tend to think about charities and how i can help others who aren''t as lucky as myself and have a favorite charity that i donate to and have volunteered my time to. i also feel like others at work don''t have as blingy erings and feel a bit conspicuous sometimes. i find that i try to hide my hand sometimes.

here is my thread
feeling guilty

but i think like the advice i was given, your ering is a gift from your dear FI and you should not feel bad about it. i don''t think you should feel like you need to donate the amount of your ering. would you want your FI to feel guilty about a gift you gave him and do something like that?

but i admit i do get twinges of OMG what have i done but most of the time i love my ering and i know that my FI loves to see that i like it so much (and he could care less about jewelry). it''s combined with the shock and yes, guilt, of how much wedding costs add up

. but i just try to think that we are lucky to be able to afford such things and we do our part to contribute to society.

hope that helps

 

[Madam Bijoux]

The only thing I feel guilty about is not having as many diamonds as I''d like.

 

[iheartscience]

I do think you''re taking the guilt over the top a little bit when you mention that you''re going to start wearing a lab-created sapphire ring after the wedding. Why would you do that? And what does your fiance think about that? You clearly wanted this ring at some point, yes? If you feel so terrible about the ring, why not try to return it and get something smaller?

Also, it seems like you''re extremely influenced by your peers, and worry about what they''ll think of you, which at your age probably isn''t the healthiest thing to still be so concerned about. In your SMTR post I remember that you were also very concerned about what your college classmates would think about you and your ring. Who cares what they think? Really, why does it matter if your ring is bigger than theirs? If they feel jealous or bad about their smaller rings, that''s their problem.

Furthermore, once you graduate you''ll be out in the working world and you''ll see diamonds of all shapes and sizes. And I certainly don''t mean to put your ring down, because it''s absolutely gorgeous, but 1.67 carats isn''t an obscene, over the top size diamond, either.

The only thing I would feel guilty about is letting my gorgeous ring my fiance bought for me sit in a jewelry box while I wore a lab created sapphire ring.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 4/11/2008 8:45:27 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
The only thing I feel guilty about is not having as many diamonds as I''d like.

Oh Madam B...I love you!

 

[LitigatorChick]

If you want to give money to charity or do charitable work to make yourself feel better, I think that is great! But remember, this was a gift from your FI, and you don''t need to "pay back" for gifts. I actually have a neat quote in my daytimer today that kind of speaks to this - "You have not lived a perfect day, even though you have earned your money, unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you."

So if you want, pay it forward, and give to the world a gift that they cannot repay you for. But don''t feel guilty for receiving a lovely gift from your FI.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Guilt is a useless emotion, drains you of your energy and never solves your issues; yet we all experience it and are usually at odds with it.

I had tremendous guilt over my anniversary upgrade, but, thankfully, it was short lived. Since the money came from our discretionary income, my DH reminded me that if we had not spent it on my ring, it would have been spent on something else. I appreciated that perspective.

Enjoy your gift--it came from the heart!

cheers--Sharon

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think this is very common--I know I felt a great deal of guilt. First, I didn''t like the idea of not paying for half of my ring. We''d always paid for things equally and I didn''t feel our engagement should be any different. I felt the tradition of having the man pay a ton of money for a ring was a tad bit sexist. Second, I wanted an eternity band because I thought it was symbolic and economical. DH wanted to go the more traditional route, so we had to compromise. Third, when DH told me his budget, I was NOT okay with the amount he wanted to spend. I realize that it was his money and it was a relatively small percentage of his savings, but I couldn''t get over the figure. I asked him to cut his budget in half and then fell in love with a stone and setting that was under the budget I wanted.

Still, when it was on my hand, I felt a ton of guilt. The source of my guilt was that DH would never spend that much money on himself. I ended up talking to DH about it and he assured me that he was very happy about buying the ring and that he was sad I felt so guilty. The bottom line is that your FI WANTED to buy you the ring, it made him happy and it should make you happy, too.

I still struggle with some guilt--in fact, I most days I don''t wear my e-ring, just a wedding band I bought for myself. But I felt much better about my e-ring after really talking to him about how I felt.

 

[Lorelei]

You wear your ring with pride, as I am sure you will make a really positive difference to this world and those in it, as you obviously care enough to do so. I can imagine you will make a fantastic doctor, best of luck with med school!

 

[movie zombie]

wear the ring everyday for 20 years. divide the cost of the ring by the number of days: won''t be that expensive.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and instead of asking for more jewelry or an upgrade, donate that $ to the causes you''re interested in.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years, you''re out of college, in the work place or wherever and you realize that there are some others out there with larger stones also.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and be reminded of the love this ring represents.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and ENJOY IT!

movie zombie

 

[LegacyGirl]

I wouldn''t feel guilty. The way I look at it is I do so much for the world and other people I''m allowed to have a bit of my own happiness

 

[diamondfan]

Having nice things if you can afford them is great, and if you feel at all guilty I just think you have an awareness of how lucky you are to have such a thing when others do not.

Enjoy your ring. And, keep in mind acts of charity and being sure to do things for others, which also makes the world go round.

I have a lot of jewelry and clothes etc, but we give a lot of our time and money to charity so I feel that one really has nothing to do with the other, because I am not only thinking of myself.

 

[Fretty Bride]

Thanks everyone for the responses! I guess I''m still getting used to having so much bling.

Movie zombie, I really like the "20 years" reasoning...seems to make more sense that way! And thanks ringster for sharing your post as well -- nice to know that others have gone through the same phase!

And, Madam B, that comment made me giggle and brightened up my day.

And I guess I''m young and in a peer group that''s making me worry too much. I''m going out to dinner with some of my fiance''s hedgefund friends today, and my fiance pointed out that admiring their 3-carat beauties will make me feel more, err, normal. Talking to him helped -- he pointed out that he''s planning to buy a corvette, which is (a) more expensive, (b) more dangerous, (c) crazy considering gas prices, and (d) unnecessary. But, it will make him happy -- just like my ring makes me happy. So I should be happy with my ring, and he should be happy with his corvette, guilt free! I also talked to my mom -- and she agrees with Madam B

I think being a bride makes everyone feel a little crazy.

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 4/11/2008 9:50:10 AM
Author: movie zombie
wear the ring everyday for 20 years. divide the cost of the ring by the number of days: won''t be that expensive.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and instead of asking for more jewelry or an upgrade, donate that $ to the causes you''re interested in.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years, you''re out of college, in the work place or wherever and you realize that there are some others out there with larger stones also.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and be reminded of the love this ring represents.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and ENJOY IT!

movie zombie

Heck, wear it every day for 33 years!!!

Enjoy that beautiful ring. And, it''s fine to wear something simpler at times. Just wear your ring as much as you can, and enjoy it when you do.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I applaud your concern for the welfare of others, but it doesn''t need to be either/or... you can volunteer and donate money whether or not you wear a beautiful ring!

Wear that beauty. Give to charity. Keep volunteering. Everyone wins.

DD

 

[swingirl]

I am confused. You picked out the setting and the setting has a lot of added bling--stones on the band, side stones, secret stones. You didn't choose a simple plain setting. Did you have an opportunity before it was set to return it for something smaller?

However, an engagement ring is a gift from your fiance. How do you think he feels about you not wanting to wear the ring? And how was it that he didn't know this size would make you uncomfortable? Will you also need to donate an equal amount of money that your car or house or wedding will cost?

Think of it as creating a family heirloom. Don't worry about what your peers are wearing. And remember it's a gift from someone you love who put a lot of thought and effort into it.

 

[CrownJewel]

Haha...I have buyers'' remorse about everything that I buy. It sucks. Sharon is totally right though, guilt is a useless emotion. Your FI chose that ring for a reason. And it was probably tough to make the decision to buy it in the first place. In the end, he made the decision to buy you a diamond, and he chose that specific diamond sitting on your hand. We should respect their decisions. I helped him pick it out, so I try to respect the fact that we chose it together. Sometimes I think about trading it in for something smaller or a different gem altogether. But honestly? I love the way this ring looks on my finger.

For my wedding band, I''m probably going to get something without any diamonds at all. Sometimes I think my ring is too blingy for the gym, or for certain outdoor activities. So I''d like the option of wearing just a gold band on my ring finger.

 

[togal]

I like to think of it this way.....whenever we purchase something or spend a good deal of money, we are giving our money away to someone who will in turn spend money, and in the process will give it away to someone else who will in turn spend money, and so on and so on and so on.....there really is a trickle down effect whenever we spend money. It keeps the economy going....and everyone benefits from it. You can have nice things AND be socially conscious.....Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the late Princess Diana, and all of the Royals for that matter are but a few examples......they all do wonderful things to assist the less fortunate and to bring awareness to the world about various issues....but they still live a life of privilege....and I don''t see any of them giving it up any time soon...

 

[isaku5]

Your ring is beautiful and it looks lovely on your hand!!

Don''t feel guilty at all. Your DF chose it for you to wear with pride

Enjoy wearing it so that he can see your pleasure.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 4/11/2008 9:50:10 AM
Author: movie zombie
wear the ring everyday for 20 years. divide the cost of the ring by the number of days: won''t be that expensive.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and instead of asking for more jewelry or an upgrade, donate that $ to the causes you''re interested in.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years, you''re out of college, in the work place or wherever and you realize that there are some others out there with larger stones also.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and be reminded of the love this ring represents.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and ENJOY IT!

movie zombie

That is how I justify everything. The $100 shoes I wear once because they suck are WAY more expensive than the $600 shoes I wear a bizilion times. (yes, I am now justifying the 2 pairs of shoes I bought last month).

 

[coatimundi_org]

Date: 4/11/2008 8:45:27 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
The only thing I feel guilty about is not having as many diamonds as I'd like.

Heh heh Me too!

Author: movie zombie
wear the ring everyday for 20 years. divide the cost of the ring by the number of days: won't be that expensive.

I do this with most purchases!

Guilt? NAH! Life's too short for that!

 

[Elmorton]

I suggest getting a plain band to wear when you''re in situations where you feel self-conscious about your bling.

I think the only time to feel guilty about bling is when you''re spending money that you don''t have or are making your partner make extreme sacrifices to feed the bling monster. Clearly, your situation is not like that.

There''s a chapter in "I Do But I Don''t" (forget the author) where the author addresses feeling like her ring is "too big." In the end, she locks in away in a safe and purchases a ruby and gold band to wear that is more understated. Gotta be honest, after that chapter, I could barely finish the book. Her reasoning was much like your initial feeling (guilt, money could be spent better, afraid of reactions to the size), but I think what she did in the end was hurtful. I would never lock away a gift that DH gave me - and it''s a waste of his time, energy, and money to not appreciate the gift.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 4/11/2008 10:42:38 AM
Author: Fretty Bride
Thanks everyone for the responses! I guess I''m still getting used to having so much bling.

Movie zombie, I really like the ''20 years'' reasoning...seems to make more sense that way! And thanks ringster for sharing your post as well -- nice to know that others have gone through the same phase!

And, Madam B, that comment made me giggle and brightened up my day.

And I guess I''m young and in a peer group that''s making me worry too much. I''m going out to dinner with some of my fiance''s hedgefund friends today, and my fiance pointed out that admiring their 3-carat beauties will make me feel more, err, normal. Talking to him helped -- he pointed out that he''s planning to buy a corvette, which is (a) more expensive, (b) more dangerous, (c) crazy considering gas prices, and (d) unnecessary. But, it will make him happy -- just like my ring makes me happy. So I should be happy with my ring, and he should be happy with his corvette, guilt free! I also talked to my mom -- and she agrees with Madam B

I think being a bride makes everyone feel a little crazy.

Heck, if he''s willing to splurge on himself and buy a sports car (an asset that depreciates quickly), then I don''t think you should feel bad at all about the ring!

 

[Miranda]

Date: 4/11/2008 9:50:10 AM
Author: movie zombie
wear the ring everyday for 20 years. divide the cost of the ring by the number of days: won''t be that expensive.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and instead of asking for more jewelry or an upgrade, donate that $ to the causes you''re interested in.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years, you''re out of college, in the work place or wherever and you realize that there are some others out there with larger stones also.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and be reminded of the love this ring represents.

wear the ring everyday for 20 years and ENJOY IT!

movie zombie

What a lovely way of looking at it!

 

[dianne]

Date: 4/11/2008 12:46:11 AM
Author:Fretty Bride
I love my ring, but can''t get over the guilt of having so much money on my finger. I would never be able to buy something as expensive for my fiance (I''m in college now, start med school next year), and I''m trying desperately to think of some way to compensate. I''m also one of those crazy save-the-world types and spend a lot of my time raising money for hospitals and volunteering and all that -- so every time I look at my ring, I can''t help but think ''Oh my god, this could buy so many malaria vaccines.''

I don''t think people like you are crazy...I think people like you are necessary to balance out the ones that aren''t especially interested in saving the world.

With that said, I''m sure you have been a blessing to so many people with your volunteering....
and I''m sure it makes you feel good to give, right?...
Well, I''m sure it made your finace feel good to give something so beautiful to you...
see where I''m going with this?.....
In other words, honey, don''t block your blessing!

 

[Fretty Bride]

Date: 4/11/2008 11:29:25 AM
Author: swingirl
I am confused. You picked out the setting and the setting has a lot of added bling--stones on the band, side stones, secret stones. You didn''t choose a simple plain setting. Did you have an opportunity before it was set to return it for something smaller?


However, an engagement ring is a gift from your fiance. How do you think he feels about you not wanting to wear the ring? And how was it that he didn''t know this size would make you uncomfortable? Will you also need to donate an equal amount of money that your car or house or wedding will cost?


Think of it as creating a family heirloom. Don''t worry about what your peers are wearing. And remember it''s a gift from someone you love who put a lot of thought and effort into it.

Yep, I''m to blame for picking out a setting with maximum bling

When I picked out the setting, I basically went by what I thought was the prettiest, and I absolutely love how it looks. The guilt came later...I still have a chance to change it for a simpler setting at any point,but think I''ve been going through such massive fretting cycles lately, so I probably shouldn''t do anything now, just take time to think things through and enjoy the ring and stop fretting.

My fiance knew that I didn''t want a diamond that was "too big", and he knew I liked RBs, but as he explained to me, in his friends'' circle, "too big" meant above 3 carats! He actually ordered the diamond from work, and his coworkers thought I would think it would be too SMALL!

Also, I have been wearing the ring...I think it would be super mean to him if I didn''t. I think the most helpful thing was talking to him and having him convince me that the ring was a reasonable price considering what he makes, and that if I think it''s beautiful, I should wear it with pride. And I do think it''s beautiful and amazing and the most sparkly thing I have ever seen (well, at least in my mind it seems that way!). For every time I''ve stared at it feeling guilty, there have been times when I''ve sat in class staring at it thinking "wow, soooo sparkly."

Long story short, I just think I''m a little crazy.

 

[Fretty Bride]

Someone really needs to invent some sort of medicine to calm down brides-to-be. The first ingredient would be chocolate.

 

[Haven]

I bet it would help if you focused on changing the way you think about your ring.

It sounds like your e-ring currently represents "money" and "status" to you rather than the love and commitment that your FI intended it to mean when he proposed. If you take it as a token of his love and your future marriage, it will come to mean something very different to you.

My e-ring is a 2 ct cushion on a full diamond eternity band. It's very blingy and noticeable. I work at a public high school in a suburb with a significant low-income population, and I've never once been concerned about its size or what other people think. Yes, my students and colleagues have made comments about its size because it is far bigger than the average e-ring that they see, but their opinions won't change the way I look at my own ring. And really, they've been mostly nice things anyway.

Also, I'd say that charitable organization need our time as much as they need our money. I'm sure you already devote some time to philanthropy because it sounds like you're involved, but if not, you can always contribute in that way, too. In fact, I'd recommend it.

And when you're out in the working world, I think you'll find that your ring isn't so outrageous, after all, and hopefully that will help assuage your anxieties about its size.

Good luck with med school! Thank you for pursuing a career in a helping field, the rest of us appreciate it!

 

[surfgirl]

Fretty, I do understand where you''re coming from. I work in developing countries (I''m in Uganda right now in fact) and I would never wear my rings when traveling for work, not only for safety reasons but mainly because I feel it would be very inappropriate for me to be wearing even my tiny eternity band in a country where married people are lucky to even have a wedding band most of the time (many times I see people with copper rings because they''re cheaper than gold). I am very conscious of my rings when I''m overseas, even when my rings are sitting at home in a safe or safe deposit box. Mostly, I look at other people''s rings here and I dont feel "guilty", rather, I try to feel "grateful" that I was born where I was, into a family that was comfortable. I try to appreciate what I have when I''m in places where most people dont have a fraction of what we have at home. I think perhaps if you can turn your "guilt" into "appreciation and gratefulness" for what you do have, then it empowers you with the energy to take your gratefulness and turn it into action. As someone already said, it''s not only about the money when giving to charities or organizations that help a worthy cause. Indeed, oftentimes such organizations are far more in need of your TIME, rather than your money. Perhaps you can think about a charity or organization where you live, where you can volunteer in an ongoing basis, to help a worthy cause. I''ll give you an example - years ago I was the Community Development officer for our local Children''s Hospital. At Christmas time, people would come out of the woodwork, more or less "demanding" to help out by reading to the kids in hospital. I had to explain to them that we had enough readers and that those jobs went to our full-time volunteers because they were with us in an ongoing basis, not just at Xmas. People would get really annoyed and I had to explain the concept of "true giving", giving that was selfless, vs. selfish giving, which was all about the person who was giving. Most of the people calling at Xmas didn''t really want to give for the right reasons, they wanted to give so they could feel good about themselves. But the volunteers who were with us weekly, year round, those were the people who we could depend on, who needed no accolades and were simply giving of their precious time because they felt it was the right thing to do for others. So...if your owning an expensive ring bothers you, I would recommend that you try to shift your thinking from that of guilt, to that of appreciation, and then take some of your extra time, and develop a long term volunteer relationship with a cause that you find worthy.

Good luck!