Anyone ever give their guy a deadline to propose?

[Junkenpo]

....but I don''t mean a deadline as in "propose by such-and-such a date or I''ll leave"...... more like... if you want to propose on your own terms due to some "guy ethic" (ie, the guy proposes, wants to leave a mark, do it fancy/romantic, etc) then you should propose by ____ date....

I ask, bc BF and i have been together ..oh... 3.5 years... and he brought up the fact he has a ring to trade in way back in january... and the one time i brought up getting engaged & then maybe getting a ring "later", he nixed the idea bc he didn''t want to come across like that scene from the movie "knocked up" where the guy proposes with an empty ring box.

I''ve seen him toss $$ around on incidentals that could''ve EASILY been money toward a nice ering...and i''ve given him the diamond specs i''d like g/vs2/excellent (i''m not asking for a big ring, a half carat would make me grin ear to ear) and even pics of a couple different settings.

i''m thinking of telling him if he doesn''t pop the question by the end of the year, then he loses his proposing privileges & he should expect one from me. LOL!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I was with my FI for about 7 years before he proposed and I had a deadline.

But my deadline was internal. I''d had many conversations with him about the "future" and we had created a timeline together (before moving in) and had looked at rings. Long story short, he wasn''t ready and when my internal deadline came and went, I moved out. In fact, I moved half way across the nation and did no contact.

I think in order for an internal deadline to work, you have to be completely ready to move on with your life. Once you start to feel "overcooked" in your relationship, then it seems like each day gets tougher and tougher. When you''ve already had the conversations, what else can you do?

Once I left it hit my fiance really hard. He did quite a bit of soul searching and a couple months after I left, he called and told me he was 100% ready to propose and had planned a trip for the proposal if I''d still like to be his wife. I honestly thought about it for a couple of days, I wanted to make sure he wasn''t doing it just to get me back, I needed to know he really was ready for marriage and everything that came with it. He was. We left to go on our trip a week later. That was 7 months ago and we''ll be getting married in about four weeks. And the past seven months have been the best of our relationship in my opinion. It''s very strange to think that this time last year I was packing up to leave.

So my advice is that there is nothing wrong with deadlines, but I think it''s better if you don''t vocalize them. If he feels pressure to propose by a certain date, then it will probably only make him more apprehensive. And if he didn''t pull through, you''d have to leave. The issue with deadlines is that you have to be prepared to walk if the deadline comes and goes without a proposal.

 

[neatfreak]

An acquaintance of mine gave her then BF a deadline and basically forced him to propose. One day they had a fight, he said "you''re really going to make me do this aren''t you?", and stalked off, pulled out the ring (it was given to him, NOT bought), and gave it to her.

He is now the most miserable engaged man I have ever seen and honestly, I think he will feel resentful about it for their entire marriage regardless of how long it lasts.

But that is just my .02 on the subject...

 

[mimzy]

hahaha!

i love it. exxxcceeeppptttt.....


i have a feeling that if he wouldn't consider proposing without a ring, then he is a little too traditional to take kindly to the idea of accepting your proposal! i've told my boyfriend on an occasion or two that i was ring shopping for him myself and that if i beat him too it, well, then that's how it was going to be. but....i was never serious.and i know that if i ever did propose to him that he would never accept. would you really consider doing this if your BF wasn't thrilled with the idea? (cause it think most guys would either love it, or hate it).

but go for it - see what his reaction is. but be careful....some guys don't take nicely to threats, no matter how cute the threat may be!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

neatfreak, that''s really sad. I had a friend who did something similar and they were divorced within a couple of years. I don''t think men who might have cold feet respond well to pressure. The resentment on both ends (she''s tired of waiting and he''s tired of feeling pressure) just eats at the relationship.

Several of my friends have been ready before their men. And all of them say they''d wished they''d relaxed and enjoyed the time before the proposal. I agree, I wish I''d just tried to relax. At the time I was frustrated that I was waiting on another person to determine my future and didn''t want to wait anymore. It worked out for the best in the end, but it wasn''t easy by any means.

Mimsy, do you feel that he is going to pull through? I mean in your gut, do you think he''s trying to avoid proposing by spending on other things and dragging his feet? Or do you think he''s just tyring to do it in his own time?

You''ve given him all the info. he needs, so at this point I think it''s best to just drop it for at least a couple of months, then revisit what you want to do.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 9/2/2007 10:16:55 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
neatfreak, that''s really sad. I had a friend who did something similar and they were divorced within a couple of years. I don''t think men who might have cold feet respond well to pressure. The resentment on both ends (she''s tired of waiting and he''s tired of feeling pressure) just eats at the relationship.


Several of my friends have been ready before their men. And all of them say they''d wished they''d relaxed and enjoyed the time before the proposal. I agree, I wish I''d just tried to relax. At the time I was frustrated that I was waiting on another person to determine my future and didn''t want to wait anymore. It worked out for the best in the end, but it wasn''t easy by any means.


Mimsy, do you feel that he is going to pull through? I mean in your gut, do you think he''s trying to avoid proposing by spending on other things and dragging his feet? Or do you think he''s just tyring to do it in his own time?


You''ve given him all the info. he needs, so at this point I think it''s best to just drop it for at least a couple of months, then revisit what you want to do.

umm, did you mean this for Junkenpo?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Oops, haha, yes I looked up and saw your name and didn''t scroll up to the top of the page. Sorry about that. Mimsy!

 

[ice_princess]

Speaking from experience, I would say don''t give him a deadline. He obviously wants to do the asking and with a proper ring so maybe give him a little more time. I pressured my boyfriend into getting engaged and it made me miserable actually because once we were engaged I felt like he maybe didn''t want to do it yet and he was a bit resentful. We were together for 4 years at the time. We since broke of the engagement but are still seeing each other.
(I know, it sounds weird but I decided to move into a new flat on my own and finish my degree first. I wanted to be independent and grow up a bit before I did what my mother did. She''s never lived alone, moved from her dad''s house to her husband''s house. There''s nothing wrong with it but I decided I never want to be that dependant on a man. I honestly do not know what she would do if something happened to him. She actually told me that I shold make sure to live alone for a bit before I get married. I don''t know if she regrets marrying very young.)
We definitely still plan to get married because he''s wonderful and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but this time I''m going to let him choose the time etc seeing as he is going to spend so much money on the ring it seems only fair.
Although saying that it doesn''t mean I''m not still completely obsessed about how it should look etc.

He knows that so when the time comes he''ll allow me to choose the ring but know nothing about the proposal ....

 

[musey]

I think deadlines are useful in two forms.

The first is internal deadlines. i.e. "Marriage is important to me. I love this man, but I expect us to be on the road to marriage by XX/XX/XXXX. If we're not, I'm walking." I know few women who would actually follow through for this, but for those who need it, all the more power to them.

The second, more common (and relevant) form is a formal, shared deadline. I DO NOT think that it's useful, in 95% of cases, to say "Propose to me by _______ date." The ONLY way I think it can help is in this type of situation:

"Honey, we've been together 3.5 years. I know how I feel about you and this relationship. I'm ready. If you're not, I understand, but I feel that 3.5 years is enough to have figured that out.

So, take 6 months, think about it, and evaluate where you want this relationship to go. I need to know at the end of those 6 months whether or not your intentions line up with mine, because if not, then we're wasting time."

It is not a propose-to-me-in-6-months deadline. It's an I-need-to-know-where-this-is-going deadline. I think the former is pushy and the latter is necessary. You know what you want from the relationship, you have every right to request that he figure it out, too.

Another PSer once said that by telling your SO you want to marry them, you are effectively proposing. A proposal, or lack of, is his answer to your proposal. How long are you willing to let him say "no" before you take action? It's an extreme example, but completely valid nonetheless.



ETA: For reference, my FI and I had a sort of combination of the latter-mentioned deadline and that PSer's advice. I told him early-ish (relative to the proposal) in our relationship that I wanted to marry him someday. 2 years later, we were still "just dating." After reading that PSer's post, I asked him: "you know, I told you I wanted to marry you a long time ago. We're still not engaged. Does that mean you reject my proposal? I feel as though you've had enough time. Wanna take 2 months, think about it, then give me your answer?" I was halfway joking, but he really got the message. Neither of us had thought about it in those terms before. He took 5 minutes to "give me my answer," telling me of course he wanted to get engaged, he just hadn't felt like the timing was right yet.

Ring shopping began that weekend, and my custom ring was on my finger 3 months later (and 4 days after it arrived). He didn't and doesn't begrudge the "nudge" I gave him, it was just a necessary step to help us both put the relationship in perspective.

Worked like a charm for us!

*I should mention, that I did wait until the timing was otherwise right (financially stable, out of college, emotionally stable in the relationship). Had I brought up the concept earlier, it probably would not have hit home.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I didn''t give HIM a deadline, but he gave me a deadline. he promised he would do it this year. That was good enough for me!

 

[luckystar112]

Yikes! Neatfreak''s story is sad.

I gave my boyfriend a "get back to me in 4 months and tell me if we''re on the same page" type deadline, and it worked fine. But I think with any type of "dealine" (even the non-threatening one) you feel like you shouldn''t have HAD to do it. At least I did. But I''m engaged now so at least it worked. lol.

 

[Sha]

I also don''t think you should propose to him. How would that work? Would you ask him and then expect him to follow up with a ring? I think that would make him feel pressured, and perhaps take all of the excitement out of the ring-buying process for him.

 

[Independent Gal]

I gave my guy a STARTING line (as in ''please don''t propose before X'') but not a deadline.

I think Musey gives great advice.

 

[Haven]

I think the internal deadline is a very important thing for you to have for yourself, but only if you plan on taking it seriously, as NewEnglandLady did.

Sadly, I know a couple similar to Neatfreak''s story--she gave him a deadline, he didn''t propose. She was livid, but they were already living together and she didn''t move out, she just made him miserable. Then, he asked for an extension, she gave him another month, and when he did propose it was much more of a "FINALLY!" situation than a "Yay we''re so excited!" situation. During their year-long engagement he confided in my boyfriend that he wasn''t ready and they would still be dating but not yet engaged if it was up to him. They''ve been married for a little over a year, so hopefully things will work out, but that is not the way I''d like to start off my own marriage.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[luckystar112]

Ahhhh oh my goodness these stories are sad.

If I had my way, my FI would have proposed without me mentioning it to him even once. That's rarely the case though.


Here's my sad story:
A friend of FI's dates multiple women. He was seeing one pretty steady, and when she confronted him on the future, he was honest with her and told her that he was not looking to marry her, and in fact, doesn't think he'll ever get married.
She moved out--found out two week later she was pregnant.
He proposed when she was six months pregnant, they got married a month later in his backyard, and she just gave birth to the baby a week ago. I just don't know what that girl is thinking. She's obviously in denial. She KNOWS he's marrying her because of the baby and not because he loves her. I wonder if that keeps her up at night.

 

[Junkenpo]

Wow!

Lots of advice, thanks ladies! ..and also thank you for sharing your stories!


I guess I should clarify... BF and I are on same page as far as marriage goes.... we both want it! We''re a little backwards in that we''re agreed we''ll wind up married at some point in the next 1-2 years. We''ve discussed bills, cleaning house, having kids (how many, how to disicpline, etc), and we''re set to move in together when his lease is up next spring.

All that''s left is to make the leap to "officially engaged"...which is the whole ring/proposal thing. I can''t tell my folks & friends I''m "engaged" until one of us actually asks & the other accepts, right? And right now, the burden is on him! LOL

Like I mentioned, he did tell me he''s got a ring to trade in/up for me...which made me content to wait...except now it''s 8months later & I''d like to share my happiness with the rest of the world!

So yeah...he''s been busy & I''ve been busy, and I know in his heart, he really wants to do right by me & make the proposal a romantic, memorable moment.... and that''s so sweet of him....but I kind of want the go ahead to tell my family I''m engaged & permission to start planning an actually wedding w/o looking like a doofus!

Which is why I''m playing with the idea of the deadline & me proposing to him. More than likely it''d bring his attention to the difference in "boy soon" versus "girl soon".... and i''d get the proposal before the year is done.... and even if it didn''t, and he let the year pass, he''d say YES if I had to do the deed...and probably wind up enjoying telling the story in years to come....

 

[musey]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:09:03 AM
Author: Junkenpo

I guess I should clarify... BF and I are on same page as far as marriage goes.... we both want it! We're a little backwards in that we're agreed we'll wind up married at some point in the next 1-2 years. We've discussed bills, cleaning house, having kids (how many, how to discipline, etc), and we're set to move in together when his lease is up next spring.

All that's left is to make the leap to 'officially engaged'...which is the whole ring/proposal thing.

How is that backwards? I'd say that's about in line with the vast majority of other couples out there... most everyone discusses all that stuff (and much, much more) pre-engagement, right? Now to mention cohabiting pre-marriage (not to open up a debate, just stating that it's "normal"). And, correct me if I'm wrong, but most people also have that limbo period between deciding they're going to get married/engaged and then making it official (I know we did!).

I guess I don't see what the "backwards" element is! You are by no means weird or out of the ordinary. Take comfort that you're right on track with most every other marriage-minded couple out there

Anyway, if you already know that a proposal is in your immediate future, why steal his thunder? He obviously has the intention of proposing, and you know the general timeline he has in mind, why push it? If you're just anxious to share the news, or if you've got some event (holidays, a birthday, family/school reunion(s)) that you want to be engaged for, just tell him that. There's not really much sense in cramping the engagement process just so you can meet a "sell by" date, if you two are really on the same page.

That said, you are the only one who knows if your deadline plan suits your relationship. Think about what you're suggesting... is it how you want to remember your engagement? Is it the story you want to tell when people ask "how did it happen?"? If so, then go for it.

Otherwise, just relax, and let him do his thing.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Musey not only has fantastic taste in jewelry, but gives fantastic advice. I couldn''t agree more. Being on the same page is the most important element of getting engaged, waiting for him to get the ring/plan something is the part that should be exciting! Trust me, you don''t want to be so anxious right now that it makes you unhappy. Once he proposes you''ll definitely wish you had just enjoyed this time! So try to relax (I know it''s hard) and just enjoy the rest of the summer!

 

[HollyS]

Um - no. Never give an ultimatum; it will backfire. Even if they rise to the occasion - and few men will - you will always wonder if he did it because you insisted or if he really wanted to make the commitment. You may get the ring, but at what cost?

I can speak from experience here - I''m getting married after 13 years of dating my FI. I''ve waited, sometimes not patiently, for several years for him to be as sure of this relationship as I was. Don''t get me wrong; these years have been good years between us. But after about 5-6 years, an elephant (future, marriage) took up residence in the corner of the room. I chose not to drive him away by harping, cajoling, begging, or threatening. And when he started talking about our future, I didn''t jump on it like a cat on a cricket. I let him talk himself into this commitment, and when we got engaged, it was the right time -- for both of us. He had tossed aside his own baggage; and he had realized that, unlike his first wife, I wouldn''t just leave when things weren''t my idea of perfect. You have no idea of how much that has increased his love and respect for me; he would move heaven and earth for me if it were possible.

Now, could I have left him at some point, and been justified in doing so? Sure, I guess I could have. But I had dated 20+ years when I met him; I knew I had a gem of a man. If you have a gem, wait patiently. Just be darn sure he''s worth the wait.

 

[blingergrrrl]

I agree with some of the comments above, as in setting your own internal deadline, and I love the comment about how if he's stalling after you said that you wanted to marry him it was his way of declining. I also think that you should just take a step back which is hard, but you do actually have a timeline so you do know it will be coming!

 

[musey]

Date: 9/4/2007 9:52:38 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Musey not only has fantastic taste in jewelry, but gives fantastic advice. I couldn't agree more. Being on the same page is the most important element of getting engaged, waiting for him to get the ring/plan something is the part that should be exciting! Trust me, you don't want to be so anxious right now that it makes you unhappy. Once he proposes you'll definitely wish you had just enjoyed this time! So try to relax (I know it's hard) and just enjoy the rest of the summer!

LOL NEL! Thank you for the fantastic compliment!

A lot of that came from past advice I've seen on here. Well, my interpretation of (and experience with) it, anyway. PS is a great place to learn--and not just about diamonds!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I had a deadline and made that clear to the BF not in terms of an ultimatum but in terms of what I want to acheive in my life, kids, hubby etc by certain ages. He in turn did the same and our time lines were not terribly different. When we bought our house I said 2yrs (2.5 years ago)...I figured if we still liked each other after that then why not? In my mind I was planning on researching alternate living situation for after this New Year, but that is obviously not necessary

.

I also saw my FI spend ridicolous amounts of money on things, but I didn''t realize there was a "RING" savings account. I am SOOOOOO glad I didn''t push him though, I know he proposed because he wanted to and not cause I was hounding him.

One thing I do know though, is ALWAYS stick by your guns when it is something you are serious about. If you make the decision to move out by the end of the year etc make sure you are gutsy enough to pull it off otherwise it will be like crying wolf.

Hang in there and GOOD LUCK!

 

[anchor31]

I didn''t, because I believe these things should be discussed and decided jointly. FI and I talked about engagement, rings and marriage extensively, honestly and with no secrets for 9 months before he proposed. The surprise thing may seem romantic to some, but it was very important for me to be involved in the process and the decisions. Of course I got to say yes, but I also got to participate in the timeline decisions, in the sense that we talked and decided together when we would get engaged (2006) and married (200.

If we hadn''t had this kind of discussions, I know that things would have been different. I certainly did not force him to marry me, but I did get him to understand hom important marriage is for me. I live in an area where most couples don''t marry, and if they do, they often do after 10+ years together and a child or two. FI has always wanted marriage, but would have been fine with waiting longer and living together for a few years beforehand, like a lot of people around us do(although he preferred to be married before having children)... But this way to do things people around us have doesn''t really suit me. I prefer commitment before cohabitation and a few years of marriage before the children. So I told him that and told him what I was hoping for. He thought about it. At one point he was driving me insane with hints and I asked him what his intentions were, and he gave me his own deadline that he had set for himself. So in the end we set our timeframes for engagement and marriage together.

I did have an internal deadline for myself. I had told myself that if he hadn''t proposed by the time I graduated, I''d have The Talk with him. Lucky me, I didn''t have to wait for that... We''re getting married right after I graduate.

 

[KimberlyH]

DH and I set "deadlines" together, like anchor and her hubby.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 9/4/2007 4:32:59 PM
Author: KimberlyH
DH and I set ''deadlines'' together, like anchor and her hubby.

Us too. I think that is what Musey is getting at as well and I think is very sound advice.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/4/2007 5:36:51 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 9/4/2007 4:32:59 PM
Author: KimberlyH
DH and I set ''deadlines'' together, like anchor and her hubby.

Us too. I think that is what Musey is getting at as well and I think is very sound advice.

Haha, I wish he was my hubby already! 333 days to go...

Anyway, junkenpoo, to finish what I was saying (sorry, had to go to class), I strongly recommend you have The Talk with him. Tell him how you feel, what your hopes are from the future, and ask him to do the same. Negociate timelines and don''t set them too tight or precise. Be open and patient. It''s good practice for the future!

Good luck!

 

[jakesgirl2]

I completely understand! I was with my ex for 9 years! I had set an internal deadline and he knew what I wanted. I was patient but we hardly ever had the "one day..." and "when we are married..." talks and it bothered me that he always had an excuse. He would have moved heaven and earth for me but he never seemed to care about taking things to the next level. So when my internal deadline came, I moved out. It was the hardest thing I have ever done! He did not come running back to me and he did not do anything you see in the movies.

Looking back, I am glad I did it even though at the time it felt so wrong. I have now met the most amazing man and are planning on getting engaged very soon so in the end it was worth it and I am proud of myself for having the strength to do what I did.

You have to look at your situation and listen to everyone''s advice and decide what YOU want to do.

 

[prncessang228]

hello there!!

i''m new to this forum and feel a little strange giving advise to others when i''m seeking so much advise myself LOL. but i''ll do my best...

about 6 months ago my bf and i had a big talk. I told him i felt like we were spinning our wheels (we''ve had some issues that have slowed us down-i posted my story earlier if you''d like to read it for insight-but be warned, it''s painfully long!!

) i told him that i felt 2 years was long enough to decide if he wanted to stay with me and my kids for life. he asked me what kind of timeframe i was looking for w/enagement. i told him by this christmas-this seemed reasonable to him but at the same time, i was scared that he figured he had another 6 months to worry about it and blew it off.

now whether or not he took me seriously is up for grabs and to be honest-at the time, i was scared to put that kind of pressure on him so I''m not entirely sure I will stick to it. In addition, SO much has happened in our relationship since then (i was diagnose with PMDD 4 months ago and it was a steep climb trying to overcome it). But I still feel that in all honesty, that by the 3rd year mark (Feb 0 that he needs to have his mind made up or I''m going to have to pull back ALOT. I love him too much to walk away just yet.

I feel that sometimes guys just need that gentle push to get them going in the right direction. with my bf-he''s had his parents'' divorce (when he was 11) and his only long-term relationship (besides me) fall apart b/c his high school sweetheart left him after 3 years. this tends to make me want to give him a little more time than most situations.

i feel that by 4 years-i need to absolutely have that ring or it''s done. but that could change b/c i''m dying inside right now just waiting and i haven''t even reached the 3 year mark!!

i don''t feel that giving your man a timeline is unreasonable IF you''ve been together for a least a year OR if you are already living together.

hope this helps!!

 

[Picos]

My sister gave her now fiance an ultimatium of a date; I think it was the end of this year. She always says that girls and guys have different timelines & you have to push them a bit.


With my fiance & I, we had always talked about marriage. He wanted it sooner (we''ve been together for 3 and 5 months); other things were in the way (college, etc). Then, before last Christmas we had a talk...nothing too serious just more "yes we both still want marriage". When he asked what I wanted for Christmas I (half jokingly) showed him my favourite ring settings. Christmas came (no ring), 3 year anniversery came (no ring) and I started to pout a bit. I then decided that it was kinda silly to pout, because I knew for a fact that I didn''t want to get married rightnow!!! and that, hey our relationship is great. So then, a few months later, he proposed! Total shock!! He was waiting to catch me off guard.

I often mentioned to him that I would''ve proposed if he never did because I had a really good idea for a proposal but I knew he wouldn''t have liked it.