Anyone have a friend like this? Need advice

[robbie3982]

I have a friend who''s been one of my best friends since we were 15 (so, it''s been about 8 years now). We''re always on the same page and I can always ask her for advice about everything.

We''re both at the point where we''re waiting for our FF''s to propose and even went shopping together in the beginning while she was home on a vacation (we live in different states now) to make sure that we could perfectly describe to eachother''s FF what she wanted in an Ering.

While we were shopping she mentioned that if I get engaged first she''ll be really mad. She wasn''t joking. I think she wouldn''t just be mad at me, but also at her FF (who happens to be another of my best friends. I had a bit to do with them getting together.). I was kind of hurt when she said this because I know I would be nothing but happy for her when she gets engaged no matter when it is.

Her FF knows that my FF and I have a ring and agreed with me that I can''t tell her or she''ll get mad at both of us (he has a setting ordered for her and is going to pick the stone as soon as the setting comes in, but she doesn''t know it).

I guess I can kind of understand where she''s coming from. They''ve been together a bit over 3 years and my FF and I have only been together about a year. I just wish that I could share with her how excited I was today to see the finished ring or that I could have called her when I found out that FF was going to let me pick the ring.

Now I don''t know what to do if I get engaged first. Should I pretend like I''m not until she gets engaged? Would I ever be able to tell her the truth? Should I ever tell her that we had the ring for a while and I knew about it?

This is the girl who I plan on asking to be my MOH when I officially get engaged. Anyone else have a similar problem?

 

[Fancy605]

No offense, but I think she is being a bit of a brat. Friends are supposed to be happy when good things happen to their other friends, not jealous to the point of anger. I can understand a little jealousy and maybe even a bit of frustration, but anger--not so much. Why does she think that this whole engagement thing is a race? It won't be your fault if your guy proposes to you before hers proposes to her. And it's not her FF's fault either for that matter. In the event that you do get engaged first, instead of being bitter and jealous, she should be happy because a) you are her friend and something amazing has happened to you, and b) she has a guy who loves her, and she can look forward to the same kind of happiness in the near future. Unless her boyfriend decides to propose to you instead of her, I don't see where there is any room for anger if you become engaged.

That being said, it is very big of you to try to be understanding of her behavior, but I personally would not hide your impending engagement from her in the event that you do get engaged first. I would be honest with her, and if she reacts badly, then it might be time to be honest with yourself about whether or not she is the kind of friend you think she is. Now, I am SURE she has great quallities, and your situation is especially tricky since she is probably going to marry one of your close guy friends and you have known her forever, but a Maid of Honor is supposed to be unselfishly there for you...And what if she starts getting jealous of your wedding? What if you have something "better" than she had, or what if you get married first? It's just so draining to always worry about making sure you cater towards that type of person.

 

[aquarius_ser]

I have a friend like that, she is very immature..... she has gotten mad at every friend we have that has gotten engaged. Last time we met for dinner, one of our friends was showing off the ring she had just received (which was huge) and the immature friend become explosive. She actually threw her napkin in the my other friend''s face, called her spoiled (which errupted into an argument in the middle of Outback) and basically stormed out. I sat there in disbelief. Keep in mind we are 30!

Since then, I have not really spoken to her... it''s been 1 1/2 yrs. Now that I''m older I don''t surround myself with people like that. Life is too short.

If you are going to have her as your MOH, you may have a hard road ahead of you... especially if she is the jealous type of all realms. This could lead to jealousy in a lot of other areas... your dress, details of the wedding, etc.

If I were you, I would think twice about her as your MOH... just my .02 though

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 7/22/2006 1:23:47 AM
Author: Fancy605

Friends are supposed to be happy when good things happen to their other friends, not jealous to the point of anger. I can understand a little jealousy and maybe even a bit of frustration, but anger--not so much.

I agree with Fancy... I would totally expect her to be a little jealous and a lot frustrated... especially after 3 years of waiting around while other friends appear to be getting engaged left and right (trust me, I know about that!). But she can feel those emotions towards her situation and still be happy for you...

Maybe her saying she would be "really mad" was meant to imply she'll be angry with her boyfriend, and not necessarily you... which again, is a little more understandable. I think the best thing to do is be open about the fact that you and your BF are in the middle of the "ring-process", and emphasize how excited you are that you and she will be planning weddings around the same time... a gentle reminder that hers is coming too. There is NO need to hide things... just be very sensitive about overloading her with details when you know she's hurting and upset.

Trust me, after being with my boyfriend 3.5 years and talking about rings for almost a year, while watching LITERALLY 5-6 of our friend-couples get engaged in the meantime... some who'd been together barely a year... I was not a happy camper either. When the last couple got engaged before us, I actually CRIED, I was so frustrated... right there on the street outside of Ann Taylor Loft when I heard the news. And honestly, part of that frustration was that I WANTED to be happy for them... it was just so hard to do when it hit so close to home. So I do understand your friend's feelings. It doesn't mean she's an evil, jealous person... just somebody struggling with a sensitive issue in her life right now. Be respectful of that and I'm SURE things will work out fine.

 

[magpye]

Date: 7/22/2006 9:26:38 AM

Trust me, after being with my boyfriend 3.5 years and talking about rings for almost a year, while watching LITERALLY 5-6 of our friend-couples get engaged in the meantime... some who''d been together barely a year... I was not a happy camper either. When the last couple got engaged before us, I actually CRIED, I was so frustrated... right there on the street outside of Ann Taylor Loft when I heard the news. And honestly, part of that frustration was that I WANTED to be happy for them... it was just so hard to do when it hit so close to home. So I do understand your friend''s feelings. It doesn''t mean she''s an evil, jealous person... just somebody struggling with a sensitive issue in her life right now. Be respectful of that and I''m SURE things will work out fine.

Please, we''ve all been there and been upset when people we know have gotten engaged before us. I cried too when my older sister got engaged after 9 months and I knew DH wasn''t ready to propose after 7 YEARS

But did I let my sister know it? Of course not! We are grown women and by this point in our lives we should know how to handle our feelings of frustration, hurt and jealousy and not hurt the ones we love. I was excited for my sister and we talked about her plans and the proposal and how excited she was. Only AFTER I got home did I let my other feelings come out and I had a good cry. I also had 3 close friends get engaged the year before I did. One of them had been with her FH for as long as me and my FH. So it was hard but I never took out my disappointment on them.

When we care about people we don''t sabotage their happiness. You suck it up and put on a happy face for them. Then in the privacy of your own home you express your disappointment with your OWN non-engagement state. Separate the two. They are different. Robbie, I''m sorry about your friend. I wish you didn''t have to have that negativity around you at this exciting point in your lives. I do understand where your friend is coming from but she needs to grow up. Good luck with her and the engagement.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 7/22/2006 9:55:20 AM
Author: magpye

Date: 7/22/2006 9:26:38 AM

Trust me, after being with my boyfriend 3.5 years and talking about rings for almost a year, while watching LITERALLY 5-6 of our friend-couples get engaged in the meantime... some who'd been together barely a year... I was not a happy camper either. When the last couple got engaged before us, I actually CRIED, I was so frustrated... right there on the street outside of Ann Taylor Loft when I heard the news. And honestly, part of that frustration was that I WANTED to be happy for them... it was just so hard to do when it hit so close to home. So I do understand your friend's feelings. It doesn't mean she's an evil, jealous person... just somebody struggling with a sensitive issue in her life right now. Be respectful of that and I'm SURE things will work out fine.

Please, we've all been there and been upset when people we know have gotten engaged before us. I cried too when my older sister got engaged after 9 months and I knew DH wasn't ready to propose after 7 YEARS

But did I let my sister know it? Of course not! We are grown women and by this point in our lives we should know how to handle our feelings of frustration, hurt and jealousy and not hurt the ones we love. I was excited for my sister and we talked about her plans and the proposal and how excited she was. Only AFTER I got home did I let my other feelings come out and I had a good cry. I also had 3 close friends get engaged the year before I did. One of them had been with her FH for as long as me and my FH. So it was hard but I never took out my disappointment on them.

When we care about people we don't sabotage their happiness. You suck it up and put on a happy face for them. Then in the privacy of your own home you express your disappointment with your OWN non-engagement state. Separate the two. They are different. Robbie, I'm sorry about your friend. I wish you didn't have to have that negativity around you at this exciting point in your lives. I do understand where your friend is coming from but she needs to grow up. Good luck with her and the engagement.

Mag, I'm sure you mean well... but my point was simply that we cannot judge Robbie's friend for her emotions because we're not in her shoes. Robbie said she is a great person and they have been friends for years... based on that, I think it's likely that she's not just a "brat" or "needs to grow up". I think she could be somebody who probably feels a lot like I did... happy for her friend but also pretty darn frustrated herself. As I said very clearly in my post above, the two are NOT mutually exclusive.

But friendship goes both ways... if you expect a friend to be happy for you, you need to also respect her own struggles with happiness right now. I think that is exactly what Robbie is doing by posting here... she is concerned for a friend and wants to know how to best proceed. I am sometimes naive in expecting the best of people, I know... but I would still rather do that than expect the worst.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 7/21/2006 10:50:29 PM
Author:robbie3982

Now I don't know what to do if I get engaged first. Should I pretend like I'm not until she gets engaged? Would I ever be able to tell her the truth? Should I ever tell her that we had the ring for a while and I knew about it?

This is the girl who I plan on asking to be my MOH when I officially get engaged. Anyone else have a similar problem?

If your best friend can't be happy for you, she needs an attitude adjustment.

First, what do YOU have to do with whether or not she gets engaged first? NOTHING. Her getting mad at you is ridiculous. Sure, she can be jealous, and I can absolutely see how she might be. But to take that out on you is immature. YOU're not her boyfriend, and YOU're not proposing to her. She should be happy for you because she cares about you. She can save the 'getting mad' for someone else, like her own BF. I would expect that you may realize she's disappointed and jealous. That is understandable. But mad at you? Don't think so.

Now, since you care about her as well, you don't need to rub it in that you had the ring for awhile and you knew about it. That would be insensitive on your part. If you get engaged first, you should tell her. You should not have to keep it a secret to appease her. However, you can be sensitive to her situation nonetheless and not rub it in about how long your engagement has been in the works. That's my 2 cents!!

 

[robbie3982]

Thanks everyone for the advice. My friend has never been like this about anything. She''s never self-centered or bratty. I remember times when I''ve cried w/ her when she was upset about something in her life and she''s done the same with me. I think what''s really bothering me is that I just feel like there are those few friends, your true best friends, that you should be happy for no matter what.

We had some friends get engaged a few years ago (they''ve since gotten married) after dating for about a year. At that time I''d been together with my then bf for over 3 years. Obviously it didn''t work out w/ that bf, but when I found out that one of my best friends was going to propose to his gf I was SOOO happy for them. I think I was seriously as excited as they were. It never occured to me to be jealous or angry. I know that''s how I''ll be when she gets engaged and I just wish that she was going to feel the same thing for me.

I''ve definitely had "friends" get engaged and felt really jealous and upset, but to me that just shows me that I don''t consider them as good friends as I thought I did.

I think I''ll take Firegoddess''s advice and not mention the picking out the ring and knowing about it for a while and tell her when I do get engaged. She knows it''s coming. She just wants hers to come first.

Thanks again! What would I do without PS?

 

[LikeCandy]

I did have a friend like this once. She was having trouble concieving her second child when I got pregnant with my second. She asked me not to talk about the pregnancy which was fine with me because I hated being pregnant and I was sick of talking about it. But when my baby was born and she asked me not to talk about her it was too much. My daughter is a human being and a member of our family, not talking about her seemed like a betrayal. Eventually my friend got pregnant with her second child and I tried to be happy for her and I tried to listen but it was tough. It was strange but even after she had her son she still seemed cool towards my daughter. Our friendship never recovered. Be careful there is such a thing as being too giving.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/22/2006 1:10:28 PM
Author: robbie398


We had some friends get engaged a few years ago (they've since gotten married) after dating for about a year. At that time I'd been together with my then bf for over 3 years. Obviously it didn't work out w/ that bf, but when I found out that one of my best friends was going to propose to his gf I was SOOO happy for them. I think I was seriously as excited as they were. It never occured to me to be jealous or angry. I know that's how I'll be when she gets engaged and I just wish that she was going to feel the same thing for me.

I think I am the SAME way as you. I have been with my b/f for over 4 years, and I still get ridiculously excited when my friends become engaged (which seems to happen at least once a month these days!) It still seems to me like you are being a true friend to someone who is letting her own selfish interest cloud the importance of your friendship. However, since you do say that she has never been like this before, maybe it is just a short phase that she will get over quickly? Maybe you have just grown up more quickly than she has, and she needs to catch up. Maybe you should tell her (very gently, in a non confrontational, non critical way) how her recent talk about your potential enagements is making you feel. You could try expressing that you are concerned that she will be angry with you instead of happy for you if you do end up engaged first and that you would be very hurt if that were the case. Maybe you could let her know that she means so much to you that if you get engaged that it is important that you can have her to celebrate with no matter who it happens to first. Maybe you could point out that in 20 years it won't matter who was asked first. If she is as reasonable as you mentioned, then she will probably be at least a little open to a calm, non-confrontational conversation about the possibillity of you getting engaged before she does. I should hope she would be reasonable about it anyway.

 

[Mara]

i honestly have no patience for drama with friends. life is too short to be around people who don't make you happy or vice versa...and it sounds ridiculous that she JUST wants to be engaged first, even though she knows hers is coming....what is that all about? sure she has been together with him for 3 years and you have only been together 1, but it's not about time you have been dating, of course. some people just take longer and others take less time. in any case, you ARE in a difficult position because she is your best friend even if she is acting silly and i can see you don't want to hurt her or upset her or cause any problems of course, but i don't think you should hide when you get engaged if it is before her...she will just have to deal. and i would hope she really would be happy for you completely separately from knowing that hers is coming too. the two are not related IMO. her happiness over your engagement should not be related to her own engagement status. especially since it sounds like the guy is working on it and it's not like she is trying to get him to consider engagement and he won't even do it. it sounds like hers is just a matter of moments behind yours or it may be even be before. so what's the big deal?

sometimes people are just so baffling!

oh and let me just say she sounds like she could have some bridezilla tendencies when she does get engaged?!? yikes! good luck gal!

 

[magpye]

I do mean well E. I am just a very frank person and I think my post may have come across as harsh. Thanks for the gentle reminder that in cyberspace people might read things a bit harsher than they are meant. I guess I just have very little patience for these types of situations because of what I have recently seen some of my friends go through. A good friend "M" got engaged with a beautiful 1.6 oval with .2rounds on each side (not unlike yours, E!) And our mutual "Friend" lets call her "H" was jealous and acted completely rude to M. H told M that her gorgeous ring was tacky, gross and ugly And also pretty much told her she was a spoiled brat. And similar things have happened to a few of my other friends who have recently gotten engaged.

Robbie, I hope your situation IS completely different from what I have seen. I hope your friend realizes that her jealousy can become destructive and will become more supportive of you and your engagement when it does happen. I agree with Firegoddess. When you do get engaged, share the news, ask your friend to celebrate with you. Tell her you are so excited you can share this experience with her. Maybe that will wake her up. I hope your situation will be better that M''s. H continued to be negative and M started to feel guilty about being engaged and talking about all her upcoming plans. Don''t fell guilty about your own happiness. You deserve it. And you friend will get engaged too and she deserves all the happiness then as well. Good luck!

P.S. doens''t it just suck when women can''t be happy for other women?

 

[RoseAngel04]

I think that this may happen all to often!

If I were you, and let's say that you do become engaged first, tell her the truth. If she is rude etc then sit her down and tell her that you're hurt that she cannot share the joy with you. I think that even if she is upset

inside that she should be mature and try to be as happy for you as she can be. I wouldn't be ANY means keep it from her/wait until her man pops the question.

I have been with my FF for nearly 4 years, and towards the beginning of the year had on of my friends get engaged who hadn't been with her bf for quite as long. The feeling that I had wasn't that I was angry at her or anything but that I just cannot wait to be engaged and walk down that aisle to my prince. When she flashed her ring and said "IM ENGAGED" I had this awful feeling inside me, but I kept that inside and smiled and gushed etc. I honestly am/was happy for her, but at the same time longing for when "my/our" day will come. Ya know?? My friend is having a 2 + year engagement so my honey says "even though she got engaged first, we may be married first!" And it is not a race by any means...but you know how us gals let out emotions get the best of us sometimes.

 

[bee*]

I would let her know if you do get engaged before her. If she takes is bady then definitely talk to her about it. Ive also had it happen to me that a couple who have not been going out as long as D and I have gotten engaged and you do get that feeling of "it should be us instead of them", but I would never say it to the couple-I would be delighted for them but a bit jealous inside

 

[robbie3982]

P.S. doens''t it just suck when women can''t be happy for other women?

Yes! I don''t have very many female friends for this reason. I''m not into the drama. I love all of my guy friends, but with an engagement pending I find myself wondering who I''ll have up at the alter with me. I do have some female friends, but I''m much closer to most of my guy friends. I want to do all of the girly stuff that goes along w/ a wedding, but I know that I would have a lot of fun hanging w/ my boys as well. Sigh. I guess I have some time to figure this one out though.

 

[galeteia]

Robbie, you have my sympathy; this has got to be a tough situation. It''s not your fault that her FF hasn''t proposed yet (who knows-- maybe he''s saving up for the ring, or isn''t ready yet, which could be why it would upset her so) but I think she could easily end up venting her frustration with her FF at you, because she can''t vent at him?

And since she is generally a good friend, it must hurt you to think that she would react this way. You said as much, but I''m just saying that I feel for you.

You''ve gotten some excellent advice already, which I can''t add to; none of my friends are jealous that I''m getting married. Instead, most of them are horrified: "Married? YOU?! YOU MARRIED?! Are you FEELING okay? I can''t believe YOU of all people are doing this-- are you head injured?"

I sincerely hope that you don''t end up bearing the brunt of her disappointment with her own engagement (or lack thereof, as it were). Best of luck!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 7/22/2006 7:34:16 PM
Author: robbie3982

P.S. doens''t it just suck when women can''t be happy for other women?

Yes! I don''t have very many female friends for this reason. I''m not into the drama. I love all of my guy friends, but with an engagement pending I find myself wondering who I''ll have up at the alter with me. I do have some female friends, but I''m much closer to most of my guy friends. I want to do all of the girly stuff that goes along w/ a wedding, but I know that I would have a lot of fun hanging w/ my boys as well. Sigh. I guess I have some time to figure this one out though.

Robbie~
ME TOO!!! For the same reasons you mentioned. Maybe it''s because I''m the only girl in the majority of my extended family, but my best friends have always been guys (still are) and I''m worried I''ll be scrambling for bridesmaids since my FF is so excited to have a whole bunch of groomsmen.
As for your friend, you''ve gotten a lot of great advice. I don''t think you should hide anything from her. If she can''t enjoy your happiness with you when the time comes, maybe you should politely call her on it. I also agree that she''s probably just frustrated with her situation and relaying that onto you, but she needs to separate the issues (a polite way of saying she needs to grow up a little bit.)

Good luck!

 

[bee*]

Im the exact same too-I always seem to hang around with the boys. I have a few girl friends but not ones that I would want to be a bridesmaid or anything. Lucky I have two sisters that can do the job but my best mate is gay and I would love for him to be in the bridal party but I havent seen that happen at all in Ireland yet so not sure how it would work

 

[fisherofmengirly]

A good friend of mine''s best friend is a man, and she had him in her wedding party, as her "maid of honor," only in the program, he was listed as her "best bud of honor." It was a tad humorous, but she was going for that. He didn''t come down with the girls in the party, but was waiting up front like the other groomsmen, but on the bride''s side. When she got up there, he fixed her train, and he held her bouquet while she and her husband said their vows. It was quite precious. Also, I *think* I remember that he wore a flower on his lapel that was the same color and kind as the bridesmaids, while the groomsmen wore a white rose.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/23/2006 1:13:58 PM
Author: bee*
Im the exact same too-I always seem to hang around with the boys. I have a few girl friends but not ones that I would want to be a bridesmaid or anything. Lucky I have two sisters that can do the job but my best mate is gay and I would love for him to be in the bridal party but I havent seen that happen at all in Ireland yet so not sure how it would work

My best friend is a guy, and I''ve asked him to be my MOH (Man of Honour

). I''ve promised him he can wear the dress if he really wants to, but he''s straight and I doubt he will. I''d laugh myself into a pew if he did, though.

I get the impression that the gender-specific ''honour'' positions are becoming more flexible.

 

[robbie3982]

I was actually in a wedding where I was standing up for the groom. I know that my ceremony won''t be very traditional already since neither the FF nor I are very religious and come from different backgrounds (I''m jewish and he''s catholic). I just worry that having boys on my side might make it too non-traditional for some members of our family.

One of the first times I spent with FF''s family they were talking about how some girl they knew got married and had her brother stand up for her. They didn''t exactly seem ok with it. And I know my family all thought it was really weird that I was on the groom''s side in the wedding I was in.

In the end though, it''ll just have to be up to me and the FF.

 

[robbie3982]

It looks like this isn''t going to be an issue! Her bf picked out the stone yesterday and should have the ring by tuesday!!! He plans on proposing by the end of next week! She was just complaining to me that she''s sure he hasn''t even started looking at rings

. She''s going to be so surprised!!!

 

[ephemery1]

I''m so glad things are working out for both you AND your friend!!!

 

[Fancy605]

Well good. Maybe then she''ll be able to get over her self a little bit.

I''m glad that everything is going to work out nicely for both of you, and now you won''t even have to worry about bad reactions. Yay!

 

[RoseAngel04]

Oh Wow!! Looks like the problem fixed itself!! She will be pleasantly surprised!!!