Anyone out there who has NEVER discussed getting married, but hint at it ALL the time??

[MissDee]

Hi ladies!

I''m a long time lurker here and couldn''t wait any longer to register. Hi!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, have lived together for two, and have never (and by never, I mean the word has never been brought up - with regards to us anyway) discussed marriage. I won''t bring it up, mainly because I''m old fashioned and want him to. We always talk about our future, when we''re old, how we''ll be together forevaa, so on & so forth, so I''m totally stumped. We''re perfect together, and I''m positive we''ll get hitched some day, but... ahh! The M word just seems to be so... off limits.

Oh, We''re both in our late 20''s so it''s not teenage angst

Anyone out there in a similar situation? Any advice?

Thanks!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Hello and welcome!

My advice would be to talk to him about it, whether you're old-fashioned or not. It's kind of a big subject to just leave out there, and some people may talk about spending their lives with someone *without* feeling the need to ever get married. So, yeah, I'd definitely talk to him. I don't think marriage is one of those things that should be shrouded in mystery: the proposal for some people, maybe, but marriage itself? No, I'd want to make sure I was on the same page as my boyfriend in a number of areas before planning on being with him forever, no matter how much I love him.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

WELCOME!

Gotta agree with Gwendoly on this one. Talk. Talk. Talk.

Communication is key! I''m pretty old fashioned with a lot of things but I never hesitated to bring up marriage with my SO. It''s something that is entirely too important to push aside IMHO.

 

[CNOS128]

A friend of mine had been dating her BF for about a year and a half when she finally decided it was time to bring up the marriage issue. She asked, "Have you ever though about us getting married?" And he said, "Of course I''ve thought about it, but I don''t want to talk about it."
(Which, personally, would have made me angry...)
So my friend told her guy that when he was ready, she''d like to discuss it. Slowly, he''s been talking to her about where they might like to live, what their kids might look like, etc. And his brother is getting married, so this gives my friend a good opportunity to talk about marriage in the abstract -- and her boyfriend has been pretty open to this sort of talk.
She''s also said that she feels like he might propose to her someday out of the blue without having had any discussion.


It really depends on the nature of your relationship, I suppose. If you''re okay without verbal confirmation that a marriage is in the future, then it''s your call. But if you want to have that conversation, you deserve to have it. If he''s not ready, you can ask him to talk to you when he is (but don''t give up as easily as my friend did!!).

Good luck!

 

[MissDee]

Thanks Ladies - I think I may just say something but wouldn''t it be nice if he grew some & talked about it first?

Maybe I''ll beat around the bush a little to see where his head''s at. Or maybe we can just coexist like Kurt & Goldie. OR maybe I''ll just propose myself, but does that mean I have to buy my own ring? Hehe, ohboy.

Again, thanks for the advice!

 

[decodelighted]

I just wanted to say that I don't think it's "old-fashioned" to wait for the man to bring it up ... SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME women have had to, um, facilitate the process. Though I think its important to marry someone who is ultimately as excited as you are to be getting married -- I don't think its common AT ALL for men to bring it up *first*. You could be waiting a long time for that dream scenario. (Just being realistic).

Also -- don't shoot me but I think the dudes that DO bring it up first, are sometimes the LOONEY ones. The people you meet online & propose before you ever lay eyes on each other. The ones who are controlling and want to "own" you as quickly as possible.

The ones who want to land you before you find out too much about them ...

FWIW, dunno if you watch Dr. Phil but I remember an episode where he described his wife Robin laying down the law about getting hitched EARLY on in their relationship. I think it's actually more "old fashioned" to be all ... "I am the type of girl who wants to get married, it's very important to me so tell me if you have any doubts and we'll go our sep. ways."

ETA: What you're describing as "old-fashioned" ... I'd describe as "idealistic".

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 3/7/2008 12:27:50 PM
Author: decodelighted


Also -- don''t shoot me but I think the dudes that DO bring it up first, are sometimes the LOONEY ones. The people you meet online & propose before you ever lay eyes on each other. The ones who are controlling and want to ''own'' you as quickly as possible.

The ones who want to land you before you find out too much about them ...

Deco...I think you may have met one of my friends! He was the crazy internet dude who moved in with his internet girlfriend after 1 week of seeing each other for the first time and proposed a little before the 4 month mark. You made me smile real big because for the longest time I thought I was the only person who felt this type of behavior was...well...odd at best.

 

[musey]

I can't imagine not having discussed it after that length of time! We started discussing it as a possibility about 6 months in, as a probability after about a year, and as an inevitability after 2 years. Come to think of it, I think he was the first to bring it up. I can't remember for sure though. I guess that's how important it was to me that one person or the other be the first to broach the topic

There would be so many unknowns without a discussion... plans for kids? How you'll handle finances? Career vs. family plans?? You might be sitting there for YEARS thinking your relationship is comfortably headed one direction--while your SO is headed somewhere completely different!

Do whatever feels best for you, but it's not old fashioned not to talk about it... it's ANTIQUATED! Besides, you can't be all that old fashioned if you're living together before the wedding

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 3/7/2008 12:27:50 PM
Author: decodelighted

I just wanted to say that I don''t think it''s ''old-fashioned'' to wait for the man to bring it up ... SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME women have had to, um, facilitate the process. Though I think its important to marry someone who is ultimately as excited as you are to be getting married -- I don''t think its common AT ALL for men to bring it up *first*. You could be waiting a long time for that dream scenario. (Just being realistic).

Also -- don''t shoot me but I think the dudes that DO bring it up first, are sometimes the LOONEY ones. The people you meet online & propose before you ever lay eyes on each other. The ones who are controlling and want to ''own'' you as quickly as possible.

The ones who want to land you before you find out too much about them ...

You''re dead-on with the first comment. The thing with men is that I think they get comfortable. I don''t want to generalize, but the majority of them will gladly coast in a dating or cohabitating relationship forever.....because I think they think, "Things are good now - why mess them up?" Men are also particularly bad with having children. Even the guys that say they want kids will make excuses as to why "now is not a good time." I had my son before I got married (not my ideal situation, but that''s how it happened), but in talking to girlfriends of mine who are married and who planned their kids, only one said that her husband was "ready" to have kids when she was. The rest had to be cajoled, wheedled or threatened. Case in point: I have a girlfriend who was 25 when she got married. She and her husband agreed that they''d like to have at least one child "someday." In her mind, "someday" meant "in two to five years, once we''ve bought a house, adjusted to married life, had some time with just us, etc." She was only 25, so she wasn''t in any immediate rush. WELL, five years went by and everytime she brought up the "starting a family" subject, her husband would have an excuse. "Oh, when I get the promotion at work," or, "Next year," etc. etc. She suspected he was changing his mind, and she asked him if he was and he''d say "no" and then fall back on whatever excuse he used. He continued stalling and making excuses for another five years. By this time, my friend was 36 and frustrated. Finally, one day, she said to him, "Look. I am not getting any younger here. Either we start trying for a baby NOW - as in TODAY - or I am leaving. Leaving NOW - as in TODAY." So, they had a baby. And what did her husband do/say? He was enchanted with their daughter and would brag to anyone who would listen, "If I knew that being a father would be this cool and amazing, I would have had kids sooner." The only thing is, having had her first baby at 37, my friend is now on the fence about having another. She ideally wanted to space her kids 2 or so years apart if she had more than one...which would make her close to 40. So it''s her husband who now is pressing for another baby and she''s the one who''s saying, "You know, I''m the one that has to be pregnant and I really don''t dig the idea of being 40 and pregnant...." Sheesh! MEN!

Ditto on the crazy men. I dated two like that. One of them - the more sinister of the two - wanted to be immediately exclusive and was pressuring me to marry him after only 4 months of dating. Thing is, he was possessive, jealous for no reason (I work mostly with men and he would get offended if I got a business-related e-mail or call at home about work) and asked tons of questions about nonsense stuff to the point of grilling me. I gave him a key to my apartment because he was going to put a new CD burner into my computer. Turns out that he installed A KEYLOGGER, which tracks all activity on the computer and e-mails it to a specified address (his Gmail). I only found out about it because my brother was installing some software on the computer for me, found the keylogger, and it was date stamped the same day the BF installed the CD burner. I had nothing to hide -- but I IMMEDIATELY dumped him, blocked his number from my phone and changed the lock on my apartment (wouldn''t put it past him to have made a copy of the key). I get a creeped-out feeling when I think of what would have happened if I dated him longer or even married him. If someone comes on too strong, too soon, RUN! That''s worse than commitment-phobes, IMO.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 3/7/2008 12:42:55 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

Deco...I think you may have met one of my friends! He was the crazy internet dude who moved in with his internet girlfriend after 1 week of seeing each other for the first time and proposed a little before the 4 month mark. You made me smile real big because for the longest time I thought I was the only person who felt this type of behavior was...well...odd at best.

His name isn''t Tim, is it? If so, one of my friends is the internet girlfriend!

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[bee*]

I totally agree with the other girls-definitely talk to him about it. I think that you should be able to bring up all of these issues with a future husband, so definitely sit down and have a chat. Best of luck!