approaching the topic of timeline with BF

[mthebee]

How did many of you go about approaching the topic of a timeline? I want to, and I"m sure there is a timeline, but I don''t want to approach it the wrong way?
Thanks!
Anxiously waiting..............

 

[largirl]

I''m trying to figure out exactly what to say too. I wrote him a letter that basically tried to sum up why it was so important to me that we get married, and he got it and thanked me for it and said he really does understand and knowing how we could pay for it made it much easier for him to think about in real terms, but I''m not sure how to say that it has to be done by XX date. Especially because I don''t want it to come off sounding like an ultimatium. I''m debating whether it should just be an internal timeline or if I should say something to him. I was considering something like, "So...do do a fall wedding like we talked about do you think we could get engaged by the end of this year?".

 

[CrookedRock]

As someone who has had the talk and set the timeline date, I can vouch that it is not an easy convo. I know that none of us want it to sound like an ultimatium, but in the end why are we setting it if it isn''t an ultimatium. I can tell you without a doubt in the world that my BF of 7 years is who I want to spend the next 67 years with... Having said that, I really do want to be married. I want to know that we have made the exact same commitment to one another and that we are on the same page so that we can go forward and start a family. So yes, he is the one, but if what I really want is to get married and he didn''t want to, is he really the one? (I hope this is making sense)

I guess I would need more details about you guys and the situation to really help. How long have you been together? How old are you? Have either of you been married before?

I don''t mean to pry, but I think it all matters, you need ammunition to go into this convo really knowing what you want to get out of it.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''m curious--and I don''t want this to come off as being snarky in any way, because I''m not trying to be at all--but what is the difference between a deadline and an ultimatum? What happens if the deadline you''ve set comes and goes, but you''re not ready to leave? Do you have another conversation about it? Does it mean that he will take you less seriously if you set another deadline?

 

[Laurenj915]

I don''t think a timeline is automatically an ultimatum or deadline. "I want to get an idea of when we will be getting engaged. Do you think you could at least give me and idea if it''s going to be by the end of the year or this coming summer or..." That''s getting a timeline.

Asking that question and then saying "and if it''s not by then I will be leaving you" is an ultimatum even if you say it alot gentler than that. I think guys are very sensitive to anything sounding like an ultimatum. Or maybe just my boyfriend. He gets so defensive that he can''t even listen when he feels backed into a corner. He just starts swinging (figuratively).

I would love to hear how other people here went about it. I''m sure there is a way to do it without making your man defensive since so many ladies in waiting here have a deadline.

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Here’s my two cents. I hope it helps.

First, I would recommend getting clear as to what your personal timeline is before ever talking to him. Write your timeline down. Then list the reasons your timeline makes sense to you. I’m sure you already have a mental timeline and you have very good reasons for your timeline.

Your boyfriend needs to know your reasons. Do not try to guess what your boyfriend’s timeline is and alter your timeline to what you think he would like. Get your own timeline.

As far as the setting for talking about the timeline, do not bring it up when he is hungry, tired, or in the middle of something else, such as driving, watching TV or some other activity he does to unwind.

You need his full attention. I really recommend bringing the timeline up halfway through dinner some night, when you know he has not had a really stressful day. In fact, you could take him out to dinner then you know you will have his full attention.

Start off the conversation, by telling him that you love him

and have been thinking about a future with him. List the specific reasons he is a good partner for you. Then tell him what you need timelinewise and why. After you’ve said your peace, let him talk without interrupting him. If he has nothing to say, don’t make a big deal about it. He will probably need some time to think things over. The point of the timeline talk is to tell him YOUR wants and needs, not to get an instant agreement. You don’t want him to agree to something he doesn’t really agree to just to appease you.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months and we recently had a timeline discussion. It went something like this. I told him straight out that I would not move in with him until after he proposed. He said that was fine with him and agreed that we will be engaged when I move in with him. I know it’s kind a of crude but I actually told my boyfriend that he has to buy this “cow” if he wants “the milk”.

He then told me he wants to date me for at least 1.5 yrs before we are engaged. 1.5 yrs for us will be May 23, 2008. I told him that was fine with me.

I then told him that after May 23rd, I didn''t want to be waiting around for him to propose. So he and I agreed that the first week of June we will sit down and make a mutual decision to get engaged/married or not. It might seem unromantic to sit down together and make a mutual decision to get engaged, but I didn''t want to go through the emotional torture of waiting for him to propose and I told him this too. My boyfriend said he does not want me to go though the emotional agony that some of the ladies in this forum are going through.

Good luck with your timeline talk. The only chance you have of getting what you want is to ask for it.

Get clear about what you want and why you want it. Don’t let him dismiss or minimize your needs. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, it is a legal financial contract that can protect a women from getting taken advantage of and it is VERY IMPORTANT! Every woman on this forum is rooting for you! You Go Girl!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree, Lauren, a timeline is very different. I think asking if asking if a certain time is feasible (next spring, summer, etc.) is a good idea and can really get the ball rolling when discussing marriage. I think creating a "deadline" is where it gets dicey. I''m not against deadlines--I just think they are healthier if they are internal.

I also agree that bringing it up in a very non-confrontational and loving way (as Seattle said, talking about how excited you are for your future together, etc.) creates the kind of environment that makes it easy to discuss something like a timeline.

 

[musey]

I didn't read the other responses, so I apologize in advance if I'm repeating anything!

We didn't have a timeline, per se. However, our most successful pre-engagement conversation about what would come when went a bit like this:

Me: "How old would you like to be when we begin having children?"
Him: "Assuming we're financially ready, about 28 or 29. I'd like to be a relatively young dad."
Me: "About how long do you want to be married before having kids?"
Him: "4 years, maybe 5."
Me: "So, you'd like to be married around 24?"
Him: "Wow, I guess so, yeah."
Me: "...and your 23rd birthday is in 6 months."
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "...and a wedding takes about a year to plan."
Him: "So, I guess we should be engaged by... last month?"

We purchased the ring about a month later

It was all very playful, and that sort of took the edge off of a potentially heated topic.

For us, working backwards really helped. I do that in general with my own life, so it was kind of obvious to me, but he hadn't though (or talked) about it in that way. Once we (and when I say we, I mean he

) put it in that perspective, it seemed less like such a big and immediate life change... just a step on the path we'd already chosen.

Hope that helps

 

[musey]

I should clarify that by the time that conversation rolled around, we'd already had MANY talks about our future. Even not-so-successful "when when when?" conversations, at my most impatient moments (which FI was always a saint through). I don't know if it would work nearly as well if your life goals haven't already been fully discussed together, though I do sort of wish I'd thought to put it that way to him MUCH earlier than I did. It would have saved a me from a lot of borderline bratty moments

(Who, me? Bratty? Nev-ah!)

 

[bee*]

Well D and I were in NY in Jan of last year and we had a talk over dinner about coming back to buy a ring here on another trip. So that got us talking about when to do it and that was it. We went back in July of this year and he had said that he wanted to do it by the end of this year. I would just bring it up and see when he is thinking. D said soon last year when we were talking about it but his soon meant 2-3 years, so if they say soon, just ask when that soon is

 

[tberube]

maybe the answer is not in fixing a "deadline" for him to follow, as much as just talking about roughly when you hope to do things (other than get a ring). For example if you both want an autumn wedding, which was the case for me and my FH, and you want a year to plan it, then you''ll probably "want to start planning" next Sept-Oct. Or if you want to get a house in the spring of ''09, how nice would it be if your bridal shower falls around the time you get your house, so you can have fun with the registry and making sure the items match your house - and fill it right away!

Things like that might get him to rationalize when would be the best time to get engaged, based on other things in your life. Then it feels more like a planning you''re both doing, not just you begging and him figuring out when he can get the money together for the ring.