Are marriage proposals dead?

[trillionaire]

Are marriage proposals dead?
By Wendy Atterberry
November 30, 2009 12:50 p.m. EST

On the season finale of "Entourage," one of the characters, Eric, proposes to his girlfriend, Sloan, only it wasn''t a romantic get-down-on-one-knee proposal, so much as it was a seemingly spur-of-the-moment declaration of his commitment to her.

"You''re never going to be able to commit -- not to anyone," Sloan accuses during a heated argument. "I''ll get in that car right now, drive to Vegas, and commit to you for the rest of my life," Eric shoots back before pulling an engagement ring out of his pocket.

It''s not exactly the kind of grand proposal women dream of, but I can''t help but wonder if it''s more than most of us get these days ... and if maybe that''s OK.

Marriage is such a huge, life-altering decision, it''s only natural that it be a choice two people make together, after much discussion and personal soul-searching. And if the decision is made mutually, is there really any need for a proposal to be made -- a question to be asked -- for which both parties already know the answer?

For a lot of people, the answer is "no." They make the decision, perhaps they go ring-shopping together (that way, the woman''s sure to get something she likes), they make the announcement to their friends and family, and then they change their relationship status on Facebook. Done and done.

For the rest of us, an official proposal -- even if we''ve already decided with our partners to get hitched -- is the act that seals the deal. For the record, I fall into this camp.

My now-husband and I first started seriously talking marriage a little over a year ago. We''d been together 2 ½ years, had lived together almost a year, felt committed to each other, and knew we wanted to start a family in the not-so-distant future. At some point, I think I made some comment about getting married in the summer when my parents, who live in Europe, would be in the States.

My boyfriend nodded and said that that sounded fine and I said, "This coming summer," making sure to drive home the point. "But I want a proposal!" I told him, adding: "And I want it to be romantic. You don''t get off the hook that easily." He laughed and said he''d do what he could.

When I was home for Christmas a few weeks later, my mother gave me the engagement ring she inherited from my great-grandmother who got married in 1928. I brought it home after the holidays, gave it to my boyfriend and said, "Here''s my engagement ring. I wear a size 5. Get it sized and give it back to me when you''re ready."

In retrospect it sounds a little bossy, but remember, we''d already decided to get married, we both knew I wanted to wear my great-grandmother''s engagement ring, and I figured Drew, being the romantic guy that he is, would want a chance at taking some ownership in the process.

For my part, I''m not a traditionalist, but there was something about forgoing an official proposal that seemed incomplete to me. I never doubted my boyfriend''s love and commitment to me, nor his desire to be my husband, but knowing he had to put some thought into the "where, when and how" of asking for my hand in marriage made things more special for me.

Drew ended up proposing on a bridge in Central Park, a week after I gave him my great-grandmother''s ring. He lured me on a walk one cold February afternoon with a promise of a drink at my favorite fancy hotel bar afterward. As we crossed the bridge, Drew said, "Oh, what''s that?" as he pointed to the ground below. I peered over the edge and saw "Wendy, Will you marry me?" written in big sidewalk chalk.

I turned back around and Drew was on his knee, holding my ring. Time stood still (Drew would say it stood still for a very long time) and I said, "Yes! Yes!" We hugged and kissed and then went for that now-celebratory drink at the fancy hotel bar (Drew even surprised me with a room there for the night). It''s a memory I''ll always cherish and one I''m sure we''ll share with our kids and grandkids some day.

Would I feel any less married now if Drew hadn''t proposed? Of course not. But it was something that was important and meaningful to us. For others, I imagine, a proposal is an unnecessary formality that''s easy to forgo. What camp do you fall into? Is an official proposal something you feel you need? Do you want your man to ask for your father''s permission or blessing? Does he have to get down on one knee?

link to article

 

[tlh]

my husband''s propasal was simple and sweet. it was WONDERFUL. HONESTLY WONDERFUL.

We went to dinner and between dinner and dessert he left and brought in my birthday present- this HUGE box. He filled up a giant decorative box with ring pops - and at the bottom, was my ring in its box. Apparantly the ring was supposed to be on top - but it had shifted. One ring for every time I asked where my ring was... I couldn''t imagine another way to propose- it may not have been the beach, the eifel tower, or a huge delcaration of devotion on the big screen- but it was 100% him... and as I sifted through the ring pops and got to my ring, he got to one knee and proposed, and then put the ring on my finger...

I couldn''t imagine a - hey baby- you can''t do any better- and you know you''re not gonna leave - so eh- what do you say? sorta proposal... but that is just me.

Thanks for the article Trill!!!

 

[lilyfoot]

I was actually thinking about this the other day. Yes, I do think what used to be the "traditional" way for a proposal to happen is dead. And personally, I''m quite happy about it.

I''m very glad that couples are now taking more time to talk about the future, and make a joint decision about engagement/marriage. I think these discussions really help people see if they''re with the right person. I''d rather break up with a boyfriend, or split with a fiancee than go through a divorce

Although I can understand the "romantic" aspect behind the completely surprise proposal, for me, it is more romantic, more intimate, more special that my BF can and does talk to me about anything and everything, including our future. A marriage takes two people to make it work, and IMO, that team-mentality should start before/at the proposal stage.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/2/2009 11:42:56 AM
Author: lilyfoot
I was actually thinking about this the other day. Yes, I do think what used to be the ''traditional'' way for a proposal to happen is dead. And personally, I''m quite happy about it.

I''m very glad that couples are now taking more time to talk about the future, and make a joint decision about engagement/marriage. I think these discussions really help people see if they''re with the right person. I''d rather break up with a boyfriend, or split with a fiancee than go through a divorce

Although I can understand the ''romantic'' aspect behind the completely surprise proposal, for me, it is more romantic, more intimate, more special that my BF can and does talk to me about anything and everything, including our future. A marriage takes two people to make it work, and IMO, that team-mentality should start before/at the proposal stage.

Lily, you always have a way of saying exactly what I''m feeling, and better than I ever could, by the time I respond to a thread!

This is EXACTLY how I feel! I''m glad A and I can talk so openly about getting married, etc, but I''m also happy he wants to give *me* the proposal moment and ring of my dreams!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/2/2009 12:28:41 PM
Author: vc10um

Date: 12/2/2009 11:42:56 AM
Author: lilyfoot
I was actually thinking about this the other day. Yes, I do think what used to be the ''traditional'' way for a proposal to happen is dead. And personally, I''m quite happy about it.

I''m very glad that couples are now taking more time to talk about the future, and make a joint decision about engagement/marriage. I think these discussions really help people see if they''re with the right person. I''d rather break up with a boyfriend, or split with a fiancee than go through a divorce

Although I can understand the ''romantic'' aspect behind the completely surprise proposal, for me, it is more romantic, more intimate, more special that my BF can and does talk to me about anything and everything, including our future. A marriage takes two people to make it work, and IMO, that team-mentality should start before/at the proposal stage.

Lily, you always have a way of saying exactly what I''m feeling, and better than I ever could, by the time I respond to a thread!

This is EXACTLY how I feel! I''m glad A and I can talk so openly about getting married, etc, but I''m also happy he wants to give *me* the proposal moment and ring of my dreams!

Aw you made me blush

Next time, I''ll wait for you to reply before I do, lol!

 

[4ever]

BF and I have had the marrige talk many times, agreed we want to do it and it''s the right thing etc but does that mean we''re now engaged? Hell no! I want a proposal.

For me it''s not about being wowed or surprised or being the center of attention, instead it means he''s thought about marrige and he want''s it enough that he''s put alot of effort and time into planning a particular event or surprise.

It''s no less of a joint desision, it''s just one where we get an engagment story out of it rather than just an engagment agreement.

 

[fuzzers]

My bf and I have been together almost 5 years, so we''ve talked about marriage a lot. We know what each other''s views are and know we want to marry each other. But I don''t consider us engaged. To me, a proposal is important. I don''t care that he gets down on one knee or makes a big scene of it, but I do want a proposal (preferably one that I don''t see coming

). After being with him for 7 years, which might be how long until it happens, moving across the country for him, etc. I think I deserve a little thought to be put into the proposal.

 

[wsu12]

Gosh, this thread makes me a bit sad. Marriage proposals are alive and well in my life. My husband planned a romantic weekend proposal that included staying at a 5* hotel, lots of champagne, and a gourmet dinner. Regardless if the proposal takes place in your home or on a vacation it should be romantic...or at least that is the way I feel.

 

[turboflgrl]

Oh Lord...I hope they''re not dead! I don''t need anything extravagant, but something personal with sweet words would do the trick

 

[MermaidKelly]

I would NOT say that proposals are dead, but I would say that the 100% surprise thing is kind of gone. Like others have said, most if not all know that a proposal is coming eventually and that they are going to spend their lives with their significant other. Therefore the "OH MY GOD! YOU WANT TO MARRY ME???" surprise is not really there for most situations. That said, a proposal is still a wonderful thing (and I want mine more than ANYTHING

)

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

But here is the question:

If you are involved in choosing your diamond, and pick out your setting too (with your BF of course), does that automatically kind of kill the romantic proposal? Since you know it is coming? And the surprise factor is significantly diminished? Even if there is a romantic ''on one knee'' proposal, does it count if the ring isn''t a surprise?

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/3/2009 10:48:12 AM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
But here is the question:

If you are involved in choosing your diamond, and pick out your setting too (with your BF of course), does that automatically kind of kill the romantic proposal? Since you know it is coming? And the surprise factor is significantly diminished? Even if there is a romantic ''on one knee'' proposal, does it count if the ring isn''t a surprise?

Absolutely! If he had to think about the where, when, and how he asked you to marry him and make that moment special and perfect, it''s still incredibly romantic!!!

 

[fuzzers]

Date: 12/3/2009 10:48:12 AM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
But here is the question:

If you are involved in choosing your diamond, and pick out your setting too (with your BF of course), does that automatically kind of kill the romantic proposal? Since you know it is coming? And the surprise factor is significantly diminished? Even if there is a romantic ''on one knee'' proposal, does it count if the ring isn''t a surprise?

That''s why I''m gonna try to keep the surprise element a little. My plan is to educate him a little on diamonds and suggest what stats to get with his budget, then give him an idea of settings I like, then set him loose.

 

[4ever]

Date: 12/3/2009 10:48:12 AM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
But here is the question:

If you are involved in choosing your diamond, and pick out your setting too (with your BF of course), does that automatically kind of kill the romantic proposal? Since you know it is coming? And the surprise factor is significantly diminished? Even if there is a romantic ''on one knee'' proposal, does it count if the ring isn''t a surprise?

So your saying if we know the proposals coming it dosn''t "count" as a proposal? What if the guy proposes with out a ring? does that proposal not count?

If it''s the surprise factor that is important (I don''t see why but aparently if is for some women) then there is plenty left to be surprised about, the where, the when, the how, what he says etc. I don''t think I''d want a peice of jewlery I have to wear for the rest of my life to be a "surprise", nor would I want to be "surprised" that my BF wanted to marry me.

Maybe people are loosing perspective here, the important part of a proposal is not a peice of jewlery but some one asking to spend their lives with some one else. The romance is in the act, not the ring.

 

[bobbin]

I thought I would add my perspective here.

I have been engaged for two weeks and my proposal feels a bit *empty*. It was sweet and lovely and all, but it was something I had been wanting for 18 months and it had taken this place of extreme importance to me. But, NOTHING has changed.

Before he proposed I knew he had the ring and we had essentially set a date for the wedding. I guess because of this I essentially felt engaged as far as commitment etc goes. The only difference now is that we are able to be public about getting engaged. The proposal seems now like a fictional formality.

 

[jewelz617]

I said this before in a thread I posted. I think most girls want the proposal, but they end up being the ones that plan it! I want THIS ring, I want THIS place, I want him to say THIS and do it by (*insert anniversary/holiday/birthday here*)

Honestly, if I had to jump through all those hoops and had already gone ring shopping and we''d made a mutual agreement that yes we want to get married, I wouldn''t sit around waiting for a formal proposal. But some people for whatever reason, need it. They want the big gesture and the perfect setting. I just think sometimes it gets silly. Some girls even ask their guys to propose again the "right way"!

Bottom line, no proposals aren''t dead. But in today''s "He''s Just not that into You" mentality, girls are led to believe it means something if he''s not re-enacting a scene from The Notebook. And that''s sad. Marriage is sooooo much more than that. If you love each other and you need each other''s love like you need oxygen, then it won''t matter. You could wear a rubber band ring and decide to get married standing in a mud puddle and it would mean just as much as if you were standing under the Eiffel tower.

 

[crossmyfingers]

I have been sort of dwelling on this for a while now. In my mind, I feel like I shouldn''t be stressing out about the future and that everything should just fall into place naturally. So then I wonder if I''m going about it all wrong and if I''m screwing things up. But honestly I think that''s just because of how movies show proposals - a couple meets, dates for a little while, then the guy blindsides the girl with a dream proposal. I don''t even want that! I''d rather have already discussed marriage and have an idea that he wants to marry me, not just have him decide we are ready for that.

But I don''t think proposals are dead. I think the movie type ones like I just tried to describe might be outdated nowadays, but I think romantic proposals are still going strong. Just look at the ones we see on here!

I don''t think a surprise is necessarily ''ruined'' if you have an input in the ring. Even if you picked out the ring and know he has it, you might not know when/where/how he will propose. I hope I get to have a lot of input on my own ring, but I still want the proposal to be a bit of a surprise, and I think that is possible.

 

[ts44]

My fiance proposed in a bar. That''s what I always tell people when they ask how he proposed. It was much sweeter and more romantic than it sounds, it was a wine bar with personal significance to us, and our friends were there and it was really lovely.

...Buuuut he still couldn''t get down on one knee because it was a bar and the floor was gross. So I kind of wish that part was a teeny bit different.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 12/3/2009 10:48:12 AM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
But here is the question:

If you are involved in choosing your diamond, and pick out your setting too (with your BF of course), does that automatically kind of kill the romantic proposal? Since you know it is coming? And the surprise factor is significantly diminished? Even if there is a romantic ''on one knee'' proposal, does it count if the ring isn''t a surprise?

I chose my diamond, picked the setting, and we had set the wedding date before we got engaged. I was still *shocked* and *so* surprised when he proposed because I wasn''t expecting the ring to be ready for another month, and I thought he was planning on proposing two or three months later. I had always been convinced he wouldn''t be able to surprise me, but he totally did. He put so much thought and planning into the proposal and it really was so special and perfect and one of the best days of my life (but of course the wedding was really the best.

)