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Are we being unreasonable?!

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nessvan12

nessvan12

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 15, 2007
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312
Since we are all LIW, I know we all experience feelings of slight sadness when someone else gets married. Well this weekend my brother is getting married. Of course I am very happy for him, but wish it was me...my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. All the family coming into town have been saying, - we were sure we''d be coming to your wedding first! My brother & his fiance have been together for 1.5 years, so of course they were all surprised when the invitation in the mail was for their wedding & not mine. Anyway, I am very happy for them.

However, my other 2 sibilings, (1 sister & 1 other brother), are all a bit sad/confused/angry/having mixed emotions because NONE of us are involved in the wedding at all. We are a close set of sibilings. There are 2 years seperating each of us from the oldest to youngest so we are somewhat close in age. We all live in the same city and talk weekly if not daily. I actually work at the same place as my brother (the one getting married). My mom was also upset about this but nobody has mentioned it because we don''t want to put a damper on their celebration at all or cause drama. As we get closer, we all are getting a little angrier i think. I know the wedding is for the bride & groom and they can''t please everybody, but it just seems odd to not have your sibiling involved in any way.

What do you all think? Anyone experienced this?
 
My FI has 3 brothers, one a year older who is getting married this autumn and two younger who have serious girlfriends. I also have 2 sisters (one married) and a brother all younger than me. We all get on with each other pretty well - I'm very close to my brother and youngest sister.

FI has 5 Best Men for our wedding and none of them are his brothers. I have 5 BM's and none are my sisters. To be honest all our siblings are relieved. FBIL also has none of his brothers in the wedding party.

I would look on it as being let off the hook - you get to have fun with your boyfriend and not work all day! Personally I've always found it a bit odd when people have their siblings rather than their close friends.
 
If siblings aren''t involved in the wedding party, who is?

When my sister got married the first time, I was 6 and my younger sister 4, so we were obviously very adorable and in the wedding party.

When my sister got remarried two years ago, neither of us were asked to be involved at all.

I''ll admit I was a little surprised but just being a guest at the wedding wasn''t such a bad deal either (except for the fact that they didn''t have even one table set aside for their immediate family so we were almost forced to split up and sit at seperate tables since most of the tables were gone by the time we finished with photos but I digress heeh).

Have you been given a reason why you weren''t invited to be a part of the wedding (ie perhaps they didn''t want to burden you with the responsibility/cost or they wanted a small wedding party and didn''t want to play favorites by inviting some siblings in and leaving others out?)?

Since it''s too late to really do anything about this decision I''d just try to make the best of it. Since you''re not in the wedding party, you''ll be able to relax and enjoy the festivities without the added stress/work that would go along with being IN the wedding party. That may be a blessing in disguise. :)

~Heidi
 
Hmmmm. First of all, it might be a blessing in disguise NOT to be involved in your brother's wedding .. since you're a bit sad ALREADY about it not being your time.

Yes, I've had the experience of feeling "iced out" of a close family wedding. And, yes, I've done it myself.

Therefore I have a couple of guesses about what might be going on ...

1) The GROOM, your brother, doesn't have much involvement HIMSELF. The BRIDE and her family have taken over and "involving" your family is just too much of an additional inconvenience.

2) Your brother SUSPECTS that you (and possibly your siblings) wish it was their times to be getting married and he's trying not to "rub your faces in it" by asking too much of you - beyond attendance & congratulations.

3) Your brother is using this opportunity to create his own space/family AWAY from a close-knit birth family. All living in the same town & working at the same place (you) is too close for comfort for a lot of folks!! He might just want something of HIS OWN. NOT to have to share the responsibility & details of this day. To forge this adventure with his FIANCE.

FWIW -- you're not responsible for how your mother & siblings feel. Please don't take the burden of THEIR feelings onto your OWN mixed feelings about this. Realize that you MAY actually be angry at your Future Fiance, not your brother ... but that the feelings of hurt & anger are being displaced on someone "safer" ... someone who is happy & getting what you want ... instead of the person who is dangerous to have ill feelings toward and is the very person NOT giving you what you want.

Personally, I think you should chill out & just enjoy the lack of responsibility in your brother's wedding!
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I hear you all and appreciate your responses. I guess the main reason we''ve been hurt is that his fiance''s brother is one of his groomsmen and they are not even close. So that''s where my brother is coming from. My 2 brothers are 2 years apart and have done everything together. It just seemed natural that he would be a groomsman. My sister and I understand somewhat because we are not really that close to his fiance so I wouldn''t expect her to ask me to be a bridesmaid. And while it is natural to ask friends to be in the wedding and maybe not sibilings, the thing is that we are also friends...good friends. Maybe I am just a bit jealous that it''s not my time. Oh, well, the great part of all of this is that I have tons of family coming in from out of the country that I haven''t seen in YEARS. So I''m excited to get to spend some time with them. Thanks for your responses.
 
I understand totally people that want to have their friends rather than their family, and I would get it if her sister was her bridesmaid, but it does seem odd and a sure thing to provoke upset feelings that her brother is a groomsman.
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For my wedding I got to pick the BM''s and FI got to pick the Best Men. We then chose the people to do readings together, based more on who we felt would be good at it and went with the reading rather than emotional links.

Have you thought of asking your brother what is going on (in a kind of interested rather than accusatory way). I asked my sister if she desperately wanted to be a BM and she said hell no!
 
My brother (younger by 5 years) got married on 7-7-07. He and his now wife had been dating about 2 yrs when they got engaged. I''ve known my bf for almost 10 yrs and have been dating almost 5. They essentially forced my sister and I to be in the wedding b/c we were the sisters of the groom - even tho it made the wedding party 6 or 7 ppl on each side! Although I was very happy to be able to stand up there for my brother on his big day, I really wish they had let my sister and I just attend the wedding. I was an emotional wreck on the day of the wedding. Of course, everyone thought that I was just so moved by seeing the happy couple get married, so I played it that way, but deep inside, I was just wishing it was me walking down the aisle. Not to mention that after dress, hair, nails, bachelorette party, showers, etc, etc, etc, it ended up costing me almost $1,500 to be a part of my brother''s special day.

I know right now you may be a little upset that you''re not involved, but really, it could be worse! From the way they had the bridal party lined up, I couldn''t even see my brother when he was saying his vows. I wish I could have just been allowed to be his sister, sit in the front row and relax and enjoy the day rather than be stressed out and emotional all day.

Also, whoever made the point about the fact that the BRIDE''s family probably took over on all the planning is probably 100% correct! I bet your brother never even realized that he was supposed to choose who his groomsmen were... I say, just enjoy the wedding, be glad you didn''t have to spend the time or money on some ugly dress that you''ll never wear again!
 
Whether the bride or groom did the planning, I think it''s still a bit insensitive to include the brother of the bride but not the brother of the groom. I can understand why your brother would feel left out. Maybe you should ask your brother (the one getting married) about it, even casually...just to find out why.
 
My SIL got married over the weekend and only her sister (my other SIL) was in the wedding out of her 5 siblings. I viewed it as a blessing in disguise. No hair, nails, dress, parties, showers, etc. None of her brothers went to the bachelor party either. She was in my wedding but did some pretty flaky things so I was sort of hoping that I wouldn''t have to be involved in hers. I wish you the best!

Jess
 
Just found out that that my brother''s finace is having a bridal shower/bachelorette party tomorrow evening and my sister and I are not even invited. We were told that it''s because the bride is not "comfortable" around us. Her bridesmaids and other women will be there. This is really starting to piss me off... I have never been anything but nice to her. I don''t understand what is going on...
 
Since the wedding is next weekend and things prob wont change by then, look at the brightside. Easier said than done, I know.
I am in my brothers wedding next weekend and I am already $650 in the hole....not including wedding gift, hair,nails and make-up.

I can relate though. My brother and his girlfriend have been together for 2 years. I''ve been with my boyfriend for 5.5.
I don''t know what it is that makes people feel the need to say obnoxious things....but your time will come and it will be WONDERFUL!!! (and sparkly!)
 
WHAT?!?!?!?!

I''d be glad not to be one of her maids.
 
Trust me, I am now very glad to not be in this wedding...
 
Wow....time to have a talk with your brother!!!

His fiance sounds like a little wench!
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Oh, Ness, hun, you and your siblings need to take this opportunity for the reprieve it is and run with it!

After being in 11 *^%*% weddings, I would love to be "just" a guest.

Think of the money you all can save and put toward your own weddings when the time comes...I could probably have paid for my own wedding if I had NOT been in so many expensive weddings because family or friends felt the need to include everyone and their brother, sister, etc...

I know it is hard to understand, but stressing out about it all now won''t do you any good. Maybe after the wedding you can talk with your new SIL and let her know how much you welcome her to the family, blah, blah, blah. It sounds like you are going to have to be the ones to extend that olive branch and see what comes of it.

I don''t know if you said if there was a history of not getting along, etc..., but she may just be an odd duck and you''ll have to put on a good face and be the bigger person in this situation. Don''t stress about the Bachelorette Party, etc..., it''s just not worth it. Try to enjoy yourself and just be happy for your brother...you don''t want to bring him down on his special day.

Just my thoughts and ramblings...
 
I hate to say this, but this kind of behaviour on the part of your FSIL does not bode well for their future together.

Does your brother know what he''s doing? Does he really know this girl? I''d understand if you and she had been sworn enemies - but you''re not and this is a perfect way to get of on the wrong foot.

My brother has often dated girls who were very jealous of his relationship with his 3 sisters and have tried to do everything to make him break off contact with us. One of them told him I spread horrible stories about her (I had always really, really liked her up till then) and it ended up with a huge showdown between me and my brother - because I wouldn''t send her a written apology for things I had never said. I was even more angry because my mother chose to believe her and not me. Luckily the night my brother and I got together to sort things out he suddenly saw the truth of what was going on and walked out on her that night. Sadly the new gf is not a whole lot better!

How old is his fiancee just out of interest?
 
Ness, after reading this thread I''m glad you''re happy to not be involved in the wedding. I have to agree with Pandora though...this doesn''t look good. If she doesn''t feel comfortable around you, will you not be invited to family functions? Will she not go to parties because you''re there? Please. I''d be more worried about your brother than anything right now, but we can''t choose who we love. I just hope he realizes how ridiculous this sounds...and I really hope she doesn''t expect him to ''choose'' between his family and her. Yikes.
 
Well the wedding is over...and things worked out fine. Turns out, my brother''s fiance didn''t even know we weren''t being invited to the party on Friday night. One of her bridesmaids was planning it and took it upon herself to not invite us. My now SIL was horrified and upset when she found out on Thurs. Anyway the wedding was very nice and I was fine until....the bouquet toss.

Someone took it upon themselves to single me out when I didn''t go up to catch the bouquet. She announced loudly, "Not only single girls who are looking for Mr. Right need to be up here. You also need to be up here if you''ve found Mr. Right but he won''t put a ring on your finger yet. You know who I''m talking to...don''t make me call you out! Yes, you sitting over there in the black and silver dress acting like you don''t hear me." I was sooooo embarrased. I couldn''t believe she went to all that trouble to single me out. As if that wasn''t bad enough, once she did that it was like everyone''s memory was jogged that my baby brother & his fiance beat me & my BF to the altar and we''ve been together a lot longer. So after that comment, everyone kept coming up to me asking if I was ok. Asking if I was taking this wedding hard and if I was even happy for my brother. I was livid! I guess they meant well, but some things just should not be asked. And that was definetly not the appropriate time to discuss my future marriage plans. Nonetheless, I smiled and diverted the attention off of me and back to where it should be, my brother, his bride and their beatutiful celebration.

The wedding was beautiful, they did alot on a pretty small budget and was very emotional for them. They saved their wedding night to be their "first time" with each other. So all in all, it was a grand day!
 
Oh, ness...

I am so glad to hear your SIL didn''t know you weren''t invited to the party and that she felt horrible about it...I think that is a good sign for the future.

I am sorry to hear about the bouquet toss, which was handled entirely inappropriately, but I am proud of you for being the bigger person and returning the focus to the bride and groom...that was very classy of you!

So happy to hear that things went smoothly...your turn will be here soon, too, I hope!
 
Well, Ness...I think I have been stumped, I cannot imagine someone being THAT OBNOXIOUS. Well, you learn something new every day I guess...YUCK. I would love to have given her a piece of my mind. BAD, and not appropriate at all...
 
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